Decision made
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: where the hell am i and what am i doing here?
Posts: 19
Decision made
So, as I mentioned in my previous 2 threads, I'm now 2 months (to the day) into the 6 month timeframe I've given myself to decide if I will stay or go. And well...we talked tonight and we are separating.
These past several months I've been trying to take the focus off my AH and his drinking and focus on me. Go to al anon meetings when I can, read and learn, read this board, detach, set boundaries, etc. And since I've set this timeframe for myself, I've watched things go from bad (AH sneaking a few drinks a few times a week and me turning into medusa on him at the sight of a single beer) to worse (AH drinking/getting drunk more nights of the week than not...me being livid inside, but fighting the urge to engage and instead, when I smell alcohol, just going to bed early or avoiding him). Well, last week, I slipped and engaged him when he was drinking and of course it turned into a huge argument ending as it always does with him saying he's done, he wants a divorce. And for the first time, instead of sadness and fear, what I felt was relief. Relief that (although he was drunk and ended up going back on what he said within the hour) the decision was made and I didn't have to struggle with it anymore. Relief that it was the decision I knew I had to make, but was afraid to. I don't want to break up my family. I don't want to go back on my vows. I am an idealist and want the perfectly lovely life I know we can have if only....
So, fast forward to tonight. I still cannot be a pleasant person when I smell alcohol on him...even if he's only had 1 drink. Long story short, we decided to have our 'talk'. He was relatively sober, so I figured that was the best I was going to get if we were to have our talk when our little boy was sleeping. When he asked me what I wanted I told him what I wanted was for him not to drink anymore, for us to work towards repairing our marriage and to live a happy, positive life. But that in reality, that was never going to happen, so the best option at this point was for us to separate. So he said what he wanted was for me to not be a hermit that only thinks about work, our son and his drinking and never leaves our farm. (I work from home) That he's sick of everything being about his drinking. That it wasn't long ago (pre-pregnancy) that I could loosen up and smoke and have a drink and we'd be dancing around the house together. And like always (another longstanding issue with our relationship), I froze up and didn't really say all I was feeling and thinking. I thought if I wrote something here, I would be able to get what I'm feeling out, or at least get some perspective.
I have tried to accept the fact that I married an alcoholic and that as much as I want to be able to live a stable, happy, healthy life with him, I can't stand the fact that he drinks. Or worse, I can't stand all the behavior and dishonesty that goes along with it. And as a result, I hold a lot of anger and resentment from the 12+ years we've been together. Granted, his drinking has gotten better in some ways over the past year (he's not out at the bars til some odd hour in the morning or regularly disappearing for hours on end without answering my calls), in many ways, it's gotten, or I've become aware of worse...hiding, lying, not being able to depend on him to care for our son at night, mental breakdowns). But, in the end, I don't want my son growing up thinking that avoiding the family and drinking beers on the front porch all night is normal, productive behavior. That stashing vodka bottles here and there around the house is what you're supposed to do so mommy won't know you're drinking. I always told myself that I chose this and though I lived many years in denial...hoping for the dream, I knew the reality in my heart of hearts. I chose this for myself...but my little boy didn't and he deserves better. The sad reality is that I LOVED my rose colored glasses. I loved looking at the world and seeing rainbows and butterflies, always seeing the silver lining first, or the good in people. Either I've become jaded as a result of all of this...or I was living in a dillusional world!
Anyway, I know I'm rambling...thank you if you've gotten this far reading it. I guess what I'm looking for is just some validation that no matter how this moves forward tomorrow, that I'm going to be ok. That this is just one step in my journey for a better, healthier, more stable life.
These past several months I've been trying to take the focus off my AH and his drinking and focus on me. Go to al anon meetings when I can, read and learn, read this board, detach, set boundaries, etc. And since I've set this timeframe for myself, I've watched things go from bad (AH sneaking a few drinks a few times a week and me turning into medusa on him at the sight of a single beer) to worse (AH drinking/getting drunk more nights of the week than not...me being livid inside, but fighting the urge to engage and instead, when I smell alcohol, just going to bed early or avoiding him). Well, last week, I slipped and engaged him when he was drinking and of course it turned into a huge argument ending as it always does with him saying he's done, he wants a divorce. And for the first time, instead of sadness and fear, what I felt was relief. Relief that (although he was drunk and ended up going back on what he said within the hour) the decision was made and I didn't have to struggle with it anymore. Relief that it was the decision I knew I had to make, but was afraid to. I don't want to break up my family. I don't want to go back on my vows. I am an idealist and want the perfectly lovely life I know we can have if only....
So, fast forward to tonight. I still cannot be a pleasant person when I smell alcohol on him...even if he's only had 1 drink. Long story short, we decided to have our 'talk'. He was relatively sober, so I figured that was the best I was going to get if we were to have our talk when our little boy was sleeping. When he asked me what I wanted I told him what I wanted was for him not to drink anymore, for us to work towards repairing our marriage and to live a happy, positive life. But that in reality, that was never going to happen, so the best option at this point was for us to separate. So he said what he wanted was for me to not be a hermit that only thinks about work, our son and his drinking and never leaves our farm. (I work from home) That he's sick of everything being about his drinking. That it wasn't long ago (pre-pregnancy) that I could loosen up and smoke and have a drink and we'd be dancing around the house together. And like always (another longstanding issue with our relationship), I froze up and didn't really say all I was feeling and thinking. I thought if I wrote something here, I would be able to get what I'm feeling out, or at least get some perspective.
I have tried to accept the fact that I married an alcoholic and that as much as I want to be able to live a stable, happy, healthy life with him, I can't stand the fact that he drinks. Or worse, I can't stand all the behavior and dishonesty that goes along with it. And as a result, I hold a lot of anger and resentment from the 12+ years we've been together. Granted, his drinking has gotten better in some ways over the past year (he's not out at the bars til some odd hour in the morning or regularly disappearing for hours on end without answering my calls), in many ways, it's gotten, or I've become aware of worse...hiding, lying, not being able to depend on him to care for our son at night, mental breakdowns). But, in the end, I don't want my son growing up thinking that avoiding the family and drinking beers on the front porch all night is normal, productive behavior. That stashing vodka bottles here and there around the house is what you're supposed to do so mommy won't know you're drinking. I always told myself that I chose this and though I lived many years in denial...hoping for the dream, I knew the reality in my heart of hearts. I chose this for myself...but my little boy didn't and he deserves better. The sad reality is that I LOVED my rose colored glasses. I loved looking at the world and seeing rainbows and butterflies, always seeing the silver lining first, or the good in people. Either I've become jaded as a result of all of this...or I was living in a dillusional world!
Anyway, I know I'm rambling...thank you if you've gotten this far reading it. I guess what I'm looking for is just some validation that no matter how this moves forward tomorrow, that I'm going to be ok. That this is just one step in my journey for a better, healthier, more stable life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi someone else-
i think that once you get a bit of time and space away from AH, that you will return to yourself and rediscover your joy.
i do understand becoming tense at just the smell of alcohol on their breath. and perhaps it is true that it's only one drink but after years of being lied to, who can blame us for not believing anymore?
and as for him accusing you of the fun being gone in you, one can have fun without alcohol. they always turn it around and blame us. really, how much fun is it to always be the responsible parent and not be able to count on our partner?
i hope you do get your separation.
what's the plan?
naive
i think that once you get a bit of time and space away from AH, that you will return to yourself and rediscover your joy.
i do understand becoming tense at just the smell of alcohol on their breath. and perhaps it is true that it's only one drink but after years of being lied to, who can blame us for not believing anymore?
and as for him accusing you of the fun being gone in you, one can have fun without alcohol. they always turn it around and blame us. really, how much fun is it to always be the responsible parent and not be able to count on our partner?
i hope you do get your separation.
what's the plan?
naive
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
It's tough to throw away the "happy ending" isn't it. We always want to believe in the good, Personally, I think the universe is good and it's our choices that our not so good.
I think (aside from your H's drinking) your H has some legit concerns. Sometimes we stop listening to what our partner has to say because we keep labelling them the "drunk"
That doesn't mean you need to stay or take the "abuse", but they also have anger and struggle with the inner workings of a relationship.
I've tried and still try to understand my RABF, he lies, blames, yells, verbally abuses and the second he does this, I turn off. When he expresses witih love, peace and maturity (it happens on rare occasions), I listen and he has some concerns that are legit expressing that I have done some things very wrong as well.
Doesn't make me want to stay though. I'm closer than ever now to leaving than staying. I tried, I've tried for many years now and there is no end in sight to this craziness.
You would think when they stop the drink, it gets all better, it doesn't.
I think (aside from your H's drinking) your H has some legit concerns. Sometimes we stop listening to what our partner has to say because we keep labelling them the "drunk"
That doesn't mean you need to stay or take the "abuse", but they also have anger and struggle with the inner workings of a relationship.
I've tried and still try to understand my RABF, he lies, blames, yells, verbally abuses and the second he does this, I turn off. When he expresses witih love, peace and maturity (it happens on rare occasions), I listen and he has some concerns that are legit expressing that I have done some things very wrong as well.
Doesn't make me want to stay though. I'm closer than ever now to leaving than staying. I tried, I've tried for many years now and there is no end in sight to this craziness.
You would think when they stop the drink, it gets all better, it doesn't.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi S,
Got through your post (LOL) You have done much thinking and work to do what you believe is the right thing to do. He hasn't changed as much from what you say. (In other words, despite what regrets he voices, does his behavior show you that he is doing all he can to improve his life and work on the marriage)
Then you have a child to consider and the kind of role modeling you which him to learn. So far you are making a lot of sense. Just wanted to validate what you are considering.
Got through your post (LOL) You have done much thinking and work to do what you believe is the right thing to do. He hasn't changed as much from what you say. (In other words, despite what regrets he voices, does his behavior show you that he is doing all he can to improve his life and work on the marriage)
Then you have a child to consider and the kind of role modeling you which him to learn. So far you are making a lot of sense. Just wanted to validate what you are considering.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Originally Posted by SomeoneElse 
The sad reality is that I LOVED my rose colored glasses. I loved looking at the world and seeing rainbows and butterflies, always seeing the silver lining first, or the good in people.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
There comes a time when the words "I have had enough" shine brightly and we realise that it is true. At that moment, all I wanted was to strike off the manacles on my hands and feet, and be set free.
I am sorry your AH is chained to his DOC, but you are not there, chained up beside him anymore.....you are cutting loose and maybe
even showing him that breaking free can be done by him if he wants it enough.
I admire you so much for this hard decision.
God bless
I am sorry your AH is chained to his DOC, but you are not there, chained up beside him anymore.....you are cutting loose and maybe
even showing him that breaking free can be done by him if he wants it enough.
I admire you so much for this hard decision.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Someone,
I got all teary reading your post. I loved my rose-colored glasses, too. And I have often wondered if I'm forever jaded by my experiences with my exA.
But you know, the thought that has come to me recently is that I'm not jaded, I'm growing up. I no longer have to do what I'm told, accept the parameters that someone else defines, and let that be my world. The next time I fall in love it will be a whole different ballgame because I'll be all grown up and ready to embrace the love I've always known I'm capable of. And I will STILL be able to embrace the miracle of rainbows and butterflies at the same time. It's a win-win!
And I will never, ever, abandon myself like I did in that relationship, because now I've got on my big-girl pants and am ready to take care of business!
Cheering for you,
posie
I got all teary reading your post. I loved my rose-colored glasses, too. And I have often wondered if I'm forever jaded by my experiences with my exA.
But you know, the thought that has come to me recently is that I'm not jaded, I'm growing up. I no longer have to do what I'm told, accept the parameters that someone else defines, and let that be my world. The next time I fall in love it will be a whole different ballgame because I'll be all grown up and ready to embrace the love I've always known I'm capable of. And I will STILL be able to embrace the miracle of rainbows and butterflies at the same time. It's a win-win!
And I will never, ever, abandon myself like I did in that relationship, because now I've got on my big-girl pants and am ready to take care of business!
Cheering for you,
posie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: where the hell am i and what am i doing here?
Posts: 19
Thank you for your responses and support. It really means a lot to me and I'm so fortunate to have found this group. You've also asked some very good questions.
As far as a plan goes, I don't really have a good one. He's been sleeping on the couch for months...maybe years. So, we've pretty much been separated in our own home for sometime and now have just said it out loud. For short term, he'll officially move into the guest room and then we'll come up with some sort of plan. We had already decided we're selling our farm since it's very far out in the country/away from civilization and too much to handle with a toddler and both of us working full time. (plus, I think it's jinxed) But it needs a lot of work before it can be put on the market. Besides that, there is a lot we'll need to figure out since We're very tied together not just by marriage/parenting, but by our business, animals and hobbies/sports. I really don't know where to begin and am just letting it sink in at this point. After sobbing for hours last night, today has been a good day. We have been pleasant towards each other and given each other space...and I'm just hoping it's not the calm before the storm. Or even if it is, I'll just be grateful for the quiet time since I don't think I could handle any chaos right now.
@Summerpeach - I know my H has legitimate concerns and you're absolutely right. I have stopped listening to my drunk. All I hear is 'blah blah blah' and all I'm thinking is, "well if he didn't drink, I wouldn't <insert H's gripe here>"...or better yet, "<gripe> is nothing compared to the drinking". I know it's all the anger and resentment bubbling up that prevents me from thinking clearly. All these years, I've silently worried, afraid to make his drinking a big deal. I shrugged it off on the outside while boiling over on the inside. And then I woke up and all of the sudden I was a wretched woman with no patience, afraid to voice my thoughts and feelings b/c I was told I was a crazy person for thinking/feeling that way...or that I chose an inappropriate time to share them. I...well I could list a bunch of negative things I've become...but the point is...I hate the person I've become. And as posie mentioned, I abandoned the person I am. I've recently learned (thanks to this site I think...and by reading Co-dependant No More)...that I have become co-dependant. I allowed myself to become this person I hate by being focused on my AH and continuously compromising my own needs...and I wasn't even aware that it was happening until I reached for tools (patience, clarity, compassion, logical thinking) to deal with <insert major problem of the day>, and they were no longer there. And these are tools I desparately need to be a good mother.
So, this is where I am. Slowly trying to change my focus away from my AH and back on me. I realize I'm responsible for my present condition. But I've also come to realize that in my broken state, I don't feel I can get well while still attached to my AH.
As far as a plan goes, I don't really have a good one. He's been sleeping on the couch for months...maybe years. So, we've pretty much been separated in our own home for sometime and now have just said it out loud. For short term, he'll officially move into the guest room and then we'll come up with some sort of plan. We had already decided we're selling our farm since it's very far out in the country/away from civilization and too much to handle with a toddler and both of us working full time. (plus, I think it's jinxed) But it needs a lot of work before it can be put on the market. Besides that, there is a lot we'll need to figure out since We're very tied together not just by marriage/parenting, but by our business, animals and hobbies/sports. I really don't know where to begin and am just letting it sink in at this point. After sobbing for hours last night, today has been a good day. We have been pleasant towards each other and given each other space...and I'm just hoping it's not the calm before the storm. Or even if it is, I'll just be grateful for the quiet time since I don't think I could handle any chaos right now.
@Summerpeach - I know my H has legitimate concerns and you're absolutely right. I have stopped listening to my drunk. All I hear is 'blah blah blah' and all I'm thinking is, "well if he didn't drink, I wouldn't <insert H's gripe here>"...or better yet, "<gripe> is nothing compared to the drinking". I know it's all the anger and resentment bubbling up that prevents me from thinking clearly. All these years, I've silently worried, afraid to make his drinking a big deal. I shrugged it off on the outside while boiling over on the inside. And then I woke up and all of the sudden I was a wretched woman with no patience, afraid to voice my thoughts and feelings b/c I was told I was a crazy person for thinking/feeling that way...or that I chose an inappropriate time to share them. I...well I could list a bunch of negative things I've become...but the point is...I hate the person I've become. And as posie mentioned, I abandoned the person I am. I've recently learned (thanks to this site I think...and by reading Co-dependant No More)...that I have become co-dependant. I allowed myself to become this person I hate by being focused on my AH and continuously compromising my own needs...and I wasn't even aware that it was happening until I reached for tools (patience, clarity, compassion, logical thinking) to deal with <insert major problem of the day>, and they were no longer there. And these are tools I desparately need to be a good mother.
So, this is where I am. Slowly trying to change my focus away from my AH and back on me. I realize I'm responsible for my present condition. But I've also come to realize that in my broken state, I don't feel I can get well while still attached to my AH.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Remember you don't have to do it all at once! Untangling your lives will take time - take it one step at a time. I found that my thoughts became clearer every time I took a small step forward.:ghug3
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Exhaustion and Renewal
''Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing Spirit to sustain me.''
Ps. 51 v 12
A positive attitude to life and a cheerful and merry heart is what we desire from GOD. Be enthusiastic about your life.
Let every day be a song of praise for what GOD gives you, especially for HIS wonderful gift of life and health.
GOD intended each of us to have a good and beautiful life. From disapointments to failures, take the good things GOD wants to teach you and then forget about the past.
GOD's healing and renewing strength can neutralize all damage and negative attitudes.
HE created us to live positively and cheerfully in every phase of our lives.
Let us therefore, grasp every moment of every day with gratitude and enter each new day with a prayer in our hearts:
Satisfy us in the morning with YOUR unfailing love that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days...... Amen
Ps 90 v 14
''Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing Spirit to sustain me.''
Ps. 51 v 12
A positive attitude to life and a cheerful and merry heart is what we desire from GOD. Be enthusiastic about your life.
Let every day be a song of praise for what GOD gives you, especially for HIS wonderful gift of life and health.
GOD intended each of us to have a good and beautiful life. From disapointments to failures, take the good things GOD wants to teach you and then forget about the past.
GOD's healing and renewing strength can neutralize all damage and negative attitudes.
HE created us to live positively and cheerfully in every phase of our lives.
Let us therefore, grasp every moment of every day with gratitude and enter each new day with a prayer in our hearts:
Satisfy us in the morning with YOUR unfailing love that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days...... Amen
Ps 90 v 14
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 69
Someone,
I'm with posie on this one. I got teary eyed reading all the way through this as well. So much of what you are saying is what I am feeling at this exact moment. The anger, not listening to the drunk, becoming somebody I do not want to be.... on and on.
You are very courageous in doing this and you sound like your thoughts are very well placed for you and your son. I, also, wanted to validate what you are considering/feeling.
Stay strong. You are doing what you know is right.
((hugs))
I'm with posie on this one. I got teary eyed reading all the way through this as well. So much of what you are saying is what I am feeling at this exact moment. The anger, not listening to the drunk, becoming somebody I do not want to be.... on and on.
You are very courageous in doing this and you sound like your thoughts are very well placed for you and your son. I, also, wanted to validate what you are considering/feeling.
Stay strong. You are doing what you know is right.
((hugs))
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
of course it turned into a huge argument ending as it always does with him saying he's done, he wants a divorce. And for the first time, instead of sadness and fear, what I felt was relief. Relief that (although he was drunk and ended up going back on what he said within the hour)
I love being in control of MYSELF now. Not him, not anyone else. Just me and my boundaries.
You're doing so well. Thank you for posting.
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