When other friends drink....
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
When other friends drink....
This has been weighing on my mind for a few days now. I hope I can find the right way of putting this.
I have a couple of friends that are drinkers, but not alcoholics by any means. One slow sips a glass of whiskey every once in a blue moon, actually gets drunk once every other blue moon. lol The other has a beer or two one night a month, if that. Both of them are "light weights" so though they don't get falling down, tipsy drunk, it is usually borderline slurred speech and giggly, happy go lucky attitudes.
They mean me no harm and have never said anything negative to me (nor have they said anything to me that ever made me feel uncomfortable--nothing sexually demeaning so to speak).
But because of my own fears behind what I've put up with with xabf over the last couple years, I don't like it. I just get uncomfortable, again, not because of the way they are acting or anything they say or do, just because I have this fear that I've not been able to overcome yet.
My question is, is it wrong of me to set the same boundary with them that I set with xabf (don't call me when you're drinking)? I'd like to leave the option on the table to go out and have a drink together sometime, or even sit in and enjoy a drink. So I'm concerned if I set this boundary I may be throwing that out the window.
I guess my biggest thing is I question what right I have to ask people not to do something that is not directly hurting me because of what someone else did.
Do I make any sense?
I have a couple of friends that are drinkers, but not alcoholics by any means. One slow sips a glass of whiskey every once in a blue moon, actually gets drunk once every other blue moon. lol The other has a beer or two one night a month, if that. Both of them are "light weights" so though they don't get falling down, tipsy drunk, it is usually borderline slurred speech and giggly, happy go lucky attitudes.
They mean me no harm and have never said anything negative to me (nor have they said anything to me that ever made me feel uncomfortable--nothing sexually demeaning so to speak).
But because of my own fears behind what I've put up with with xabf over the last couple years, I don't like it. I just get uncomfortable, again, not because of the way they are acting or anything they say or do, just because I have this fear that I've not been able to overcome yet.
My question is, is it wrong of me to set the same boundary with them that I set with xabf (don't call me when you're drinking)? I'd like to leave the option on the table to go out and have a drink together sometime, or even sit in and enjoy a drink. So I'm concerned if I set this boundary I may be throwing that out the window.
I guess my biggest thing is I question what right I have to ask people not to do something that is not directly hurting me because of what someone else did.
Do I make any sense?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
When it comes to your friends, the only boundary you can set is the one with yourself.
If there are times that you want to go out and have a drink then go do it... it's not a big deal.
I think that many of us have become super sensitive to drinking because of what we have dealt with, understandable.
Most of my friends still drink....not alcoholics by any means. But I don't enjoy going out to the bars so much, or even to the wine festivals, which they all look forward to.
I have a choice to attend or not attend. I don't make a "big deal" out of it to them because just because they enjoy doing it, doesn't mean I have to.
It's easy to project your fears onto them...but really they have nothing to do with it. This is something that you have to work out internally.
This is juts my opinion of course, and simply, just don't put yourselves in situations that make you feel uncomfortable. It's 100% your choice.
If there are times that you want to go out and have a drink then go do it... it's not a big deal.
I think that many of us have become super sensitive to drinking because of what we have dealt with, understandable.
Most of my friends still drink....not alcoholics by any means. But I don't enjoy going out to the bars so much, or even to the wine festivals, which they all look forward to.
I have a choice to attend or not attend. I don't make a "big deal" out of it to them because just because they enjoy doing it, doesn't mean I have to.
It's easy to project your fears onto them...but really they have nothing to do with it. This is something that you have to work out internally.
This is juts my opinion of course, and simply, just don't put yourselves in situations that make you feel uncomfortable. It's 100% your choice.
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Thanks, Kitty. I should have been more specific.....what I'm referring to is when they call me at night on the phone.
A couple nights ago one friend called me, and bragged about how he'd been out drinking. He was high on life, very up beat, giggly, etc. I got uncomfortable, again, not for things he was saying, but simply because he was drinking. Xabf usually started out all lovey dovey, giggly too but one wrong word from me would turn it all around and then he'd turn into the Hyde I got to know so well.
So basically I'm just afraid of saying the wrong thing and it turning into a fight.....not because I think it will but because I'm just paranoid of dealing with it before.
A couple nights ago one friend called me, and bragged about how he'd been out drinking. He was high on life, very up beat, giggly, etc. I got uncomfortable, again, not for things he was saying, but simply because he was drinking. Xabf usually started out all lovey dovey, giggly too but one wrong word from me would turn it all around and then he'd turn into the Hyde I got to know so well.
So basically I'm just afraid of saying the wrong thing and it turning into a fight.....not because I think it will but because I'm just paranoid of dealing with it before.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Yeah, I would agree with Kitty Boo and just not answer the late night calls. I don't think there would be anything wrong with asking them not to call you when they've been drinking, but we all know how well people remember requests like that...
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I get triggered by a "friend" who dumped her GF because he still "loves the party" and got someone sleeping in his apartment right away. He always comes sore to work and goes out and gets drunk and high during work days and weekends...
My solution is to meet him on my own terms.. I invited him to a film festival, and to an Indian restaurant during lunch time. And yes you can ask them not to call you when drunk... if they do then friendship can continue...if they keep calling you while drunk I would consider other friendships for a while.
After some time it wont be a huge thing and maybe you can all enjoy the odd drink again. Well thats what happened to me anyway, couldnt see a beer sign or bar because I got all sad,mad etc and now I can go and enjoy and be safe...... like coming back to the life I had before....
HUGS!
My solution is to meet him on my own terms.. I invited him to a film festival, and to an Indian restaurant during lunch time. And yes you can ask them not to call you when drunk... if they do then friendship can continue...if they keep calling you while drunk I would consider other friendships for a while.
After some time it wont be a huge thing and maybe you can all enjoy the odd drink again. Well thats what happened to me anyway, couldnt see a beer sign or bar because I got all sad,mad etc and now I can go and enjoy and be safe...... like coming back to the life I had before....
HUGS!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I think my answers would depend on some factors.
If these that you're referring to are very good friends, then surely a brief but frank discussion would be appropriate.
"I'm not comfortable right now around any kind of drinking, or in atmosphere's in which drinking is a part of the socializing. It just seems to be a painful reminder. I do hope you understand, and I hope it doesn't last too darned long."
If these aren't good friends, then what the heck are they doing calling you? That sounds so 20-year-old, or drunk-after-a-party type behavior. Did you used to party with them so this would seem normal?
You described their drinking as very casual. Once in a blue moon or two kind of thing. If that's the case, then this only comes up very rarely, right? Everyone's blue moon is a little different, but mine is like every year or so.
The bottom line is that you're not weird or wrong - your feelings are understandable, and you have the right to be around certain things, or not be around it as the case may be.
If these that you're referring to are very good friends, then surely a brief but frank discussion would be appropriate.
"I'm not comfortable right now around any kind of drinking, or in atmosphere's in which drinking is a part of the socializing. It just seems to be a painful reminder. I do hope you understand, and I hope it doesn't last too darned long."
If these aren't good friends, then what the heck are they doing calling you? That sounds so 20-year-old, or drunk-after-a-party type behavior. Did you used to party with them so this would seem normal?
You described their drinking as very casual. Once in a blue moon or two kind of thing. If that's the case, then this only comes up very rarely, right? Everyone's blue moon is a little different, but mine is like every year or so.
The bottom line is that you're not weird or wrong - your feelings are understandable, and you have the right to be around certain things, or not be around it as the case may be.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 94
I can totally relate here. I do not like to be around anyone who even talks about drinking... and they're sober when they're doing this. It triggers something in me and I just totally despise it. My husband is the alcoholic and we'll go out with his mom and step dad who drink wine at dinner. My husband says this does not bother him, but it bothers me to no end. In my mind, I'm thinking, if that had respect for their son who is in reccovery, they would not be drinking around him. I know that not everyone feels this way and it's something I have to deal with. Other than going out to eat with my in laws, I do try to pick wisely the places we go and set those boundaries with my friends and my husband has also set boundaries with his friends and other family that he will not be around them if they have more than 2 drinks.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
This is sort of an issue for me--but also from a legal standpoint. stbxah is not allowed to drink or use controlled substances 12 hours before or during his visitation. In order to make things fair the same goes for me. Of course I have the kids 95% of the time so although I would occasionally have a glass of wine I don't now.
Older DS has a huge problem with people drinking--and my friends are aware of this. I am having friends over for dinner tonight and one said she would bring a bottle of wine for the 3 of us to split. Then she said if I thought it was necessary she'd take the bottle with her so older DS would not get upset. He has been a victim of stbxah's verbal abuse when he is drunk and fears I will turn into him.
I think we live in the boundaries that we set (or are set for us eventhough we are not the As) for ourselves-for our own comfort. I know there is such a thing as a responsible drinker and have been around them and not had a problem. But if someone starts on a 3rd drink-I head for the door.
Older DS has a huge problem with people drinking--and my friends are aware of this. I am having friends over for dinner tonight and one said she would bring a bottle of wine for the 3 of us to split. Then she said if I thought it was necessary she'd take the bottle with her so older DS would not get upset. He has been a victim of stbxah's verbal abuse when he is drunk and fears I will turn into him.
I think we live in the boundaries that we set (or are set for us eventhough we are not the As) for ourselves-for our own comfort. I know there is such a thing as a responsible drinker and have been around them and not had a problem. But if someone starts on a 3rd drink-I head for the door.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: VA
Posts: 85
You know - I've really found I have no interest in being around other people drinking. A glass of wine or beer, even two, doesn't really bother me and I actually like having a glass of wine over dinner or hanging out with a friend. I have a friend up the street who is in her late 30's but dating a guy in his mid-20's. He works in another town and comes home on weekends. She, on the one hand, complains that he's going out to bars during the week with his buddies at work - she is well aware of my AH's problem and fears her boyfriend may be going down the same road. I absolutely think he is but don't say anything. However, she just got back from a wedding in the Dominican Republican where they were by her admission drunk the whole time. And, this weekend they want to borrow my van to go to horseracing as they only want to pay for a car load - but at the same time also want to borrow our truck to carry the keg.
I see the road they're going down and know where the road ends. I get invited over to cookouts and parties all the time. Before I might have gone over just for the social aspect - now I just can't stand to be around drunks. I live in a neighborhood where 1-2 times a year there is a block party and everyone gets drunk - even those most of those folks rarely drink more than a glass a wine on other days, I still cannot stand to be around them. So, when I get invited I just make up some excuse not to be there.
I see the road they're going down and know where the road ends. I get invited over to cookouts and parties all the time. Before I might have gone over just for the social aspect - now I just can't stand to be around drunks. I live in a neighborhood where 1-2 times a year there is a block party and everyone gets drunk - even those most of those folks rarely drink more than a glass a wine on other days, I still cannot stand to be around them. So, when I get invited I just make up some excuse not to be there.
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