Joy33

My boyfriend abruptly dumped me one night. I was bitter, angry, upset, and blamed myself for three weeks. He claimed I was too emotional for him. Of course I was emotional, he had started to push me away months before! I couldn't even believe he considered it a relationship!! Things had been so good at the start and then they had started to dwindle to the point that we were seeing each other once a week, late at night, and he'd be totally drunk. We didn't get together on the weekends anymore because he chose to stay at his house and drink and play video games. I figured he was loosing interest in me. I confessed that I love him during the last phone call, and he panicked and tried to convince me that I didn't love him, that he's an unloveable a-hole and no way could a good person like me love him. Of course I was emotional!!

I was running through all of the shoulda woulda couldas in my mind one day, and it hit me that he's an alcoholic. He hates his job and drinks every night when he gets home, and drinks until he nearly passes out, barely making it to his bedroom before passing out. He drinks all weekend. If he has to work on the weekend, which is often, he has a bottle at the office. It's always cheap vodka, straight from the bottle. He uses work as an excuse to drink. He's usually late to work because he's either still drunk or hung over, and he's been reprimanded several times because of his tardiness.

I finally felt better about the end of the relationship, because I realized that there was nothing I could have done right or wrong to prevent things from ending. His best friend is the cheap bottle of vodka, and I was getting in between the two of them. However, I still feel so GUILTY!! I know there's nothing I can do for him. He has to make the decision to get better himself. I know that I didn't really push him away with my emotions, he withdrew into his cave of booze and video games. My emotions are all over the place right now. I feel guilty, I feel empathetic, I still get angry. I love him so much. I'd like to get in touch with him, not to beg to get back together or lecture him on his issues, but tell him I'm thinking of him, just to say hi, etc. I'm worried about stressing him out and giving him another lame excuse to drink more. I don't even have the confidence to pick up the phone and call him. I'm normally a very confident, independent woman, but I'm so SCARED that he'll use me as an excuse to make things worse.

I know he might sound like an a-hole to some people, but he has a problem. A very, very bad problem, and I believe it's warping his mind. He's not the same man that I grew to love, but I know that man is still in there. My worry about Al-Anon is the contact issue... he broke it off with me, it was his doing, if I had the choice, I'd be there by his side through his struggles. My biggest concern is: What right do I have to call myself a loved one of an alcoholic? I know I need help sorting through my feelings, and I see a psychiatrist regularly, but I'm not sure if the group support is right for me. She recommended I check out Al-Anon. I really love him, and I'm giving him the space he asked for and resisting contact, but just because he's not in my life anymore and I'm not in his doesn't mean that the empathy is going away any time soon. Everyone tells me just to "screw him" as if it's that easy. I have a pit in my stomach and a hole in my chest thinking about how much pain he is in and how miserable he is.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You will find lots of information and support here. There is wisdom in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum.

Alanon meetings have been helpful to me and I no longer live with my alcoholic. The meetings are also helpful to me in gaining life skills for my relationships at work and with friends. If your therapist also recommends you try some meetings, then I will pass on the advise given to me by an Alanoid (alanon active member)

"Try six meetings before you decide if Alanon is for you."

I tried six meetings (2 different groups) and I liked the support, the sharing, the compassion enough to keep going back.

Redheadsusie

You seem like a smart lady. Concentrate on yourself and time will help ease the pain. You can't beat the Vodka - That is his first love. It sucks but that is the way it is. It is ok to have feelings - you are human. Worry about yourself and how you feel about things- The rest will sort itself out if you turn it over to your HP!

Daisy30

Al-anon is for friends or relatives of an alcoholic...You definately fit that and if you shake anyone's family tree hard enough surely one or two alcoholics will fall out

My thought is this, if you care about an A and there drinking is affecting your life, then you belong. Noone is going to check your membership status at the door.
I recently went to listen to an Al-anon speaker. She has been in the program for 20+ years. We have sat in many, many meetings together, I gained a wealth of knowledge from her. BUT up until she did a speaker meeting a few months ago, I had NO CLUE as to who the A was in her life.
You see we go to the meetings for us

I agree with Pelican, try six meetings out before you decide if it is for you or not.

coffeedrinker

joy,

welcome to soberrecovery!

if your life has been affected by an alcoholic, then yes, you belong.

Joy33

Wow, thanks everyone! It's nice to find a place where people are understanding and, for lack of a better word, gentle! I've tried a few relationship forums before the pieces fell together for me about my A's real issue, and I got bashing and put-downs. I'm only 23, he's the first man I've ever loved. I really could use some support navigating these rough waters.

Thanks so much for your advice, and I'll be sure to give the meetings a try. I've asked my HP to take this burden from me and carry me through the hard time (footprints in the sand, for those who know it), and I think He's giving me a sign!

Thanks again, I'm sure I'll be fairly active in this forum.

tpen

Please try Al Anon as I believe I was guided there. I have struggled even after going to the meetings and openly voiced my thoughts online here. However, I was drawn to these meetings and have discovered many new opportunities. The biggest - I have no control over alchohol.

Your HP is at work. It's ok to be scared but let him drive for you. He'll let you drive in time and present choices for you.

Beantowngirl

I didn't find SR or attend a Naranon meeting until after my ex and I had broken up. It's good for me to be around people who understand the whirlwind of chaos that I had been through, because the average person doesn't. This is why everyone is telling you to 'screw him', they simply don't understand the tangled web of dating an alcoholic/addict, and how easy it is to get caught up in it. You will find people at those meetings that understand you and what you are going through, those people are also here.

I also have sought out meetings and this place because I know that my ex will be back around at some point and I want to make sure I have my head on straight for when that happens. It's always been too easy for me to take him back and I need to decide once and for all that is not the road for me. And I also need to make sure I'm not substituting another messed up man for him, I need to learn to make good choices about who I date and allow in my life.

tpen

Wow! Preparing yourself for either will be a winning formula. Wonderful statement.

gmc

Hi there, I believe if you have had an alcoholic in your life then you have been affected in ways that you don't yet realize. I also believe that if you are interested in being here, then why not? As long as you want to be here, come on! And welcome to the boards! =-)

Joy33

That's what I'm trying to achieve! Except I'd like to find my way back into his life. He's much to valuable to me to lose forever. However, this time, I want to be a healthy resource. He told me that I was the only person who cared for his well-being, and he thanked me. I want to learn how to do that without enabling him. I do admit, I had bought him alcohol and dip, another addiction of his, on occasion as well showed up at his house late at night whenever he felt like it. I want to gain the confidence to not only be supportive to him in a healthy way, but also take care of myself in the process. I know it will be a long time until I'm ready to do that. Hopefully, he's on the path to recovery. It's so hard not knowing or speaking to him, and as much as I'm trying to have faith and pray and put it in my HP's hands, I still struggle with the uncertainty. I'm not trying to be a martyr to him, but a friend. The only person I can control is myself.

coffeedrinker

the primary addict in my life i have known, and loved, for 16 years. it started out as work buddies, outside work pals, best friend, then lover.

he would sometimes disappear - i was married to someone else during part of this time - once for a couple of years. the next time after that, i heard from him from a treatment facility, letting me know when visiting days were, if i wanted to go. that is when we reconnected in the different, beautiful and intense way.

he went to that place after an overdose attempt and hospitalization. i can't remember when, but he gave me a letter he wrote while in lockdown in the psych unit. the letter was written at a time when we hadn't seen each other for well over a year, but it said, in part:

christine,
you're the only one i feel would understand. i tried to do it, was trying for days, and someone found me.

there was more, but do you know what it did to me to discover that in one of his darkest times, when he was sad and confused, he wanted to reach out to me - he called on me in his mind, even though he didn't actually want me to come and see him in that state.

well powerful stuff when we feel that we are the One, that we are their savior, that we are the only one who truly knows and understands them. we can feel like a panacea.

it's not only too much power, it is false.

keep coming here darlin. you are very young, this is all new to you. there is an awful lot to soak up.

Joy33

Oh my gosh coffeedrinker, your post brought tears to my eyes! This man also started out as a work buddy, then an out of work buddy, then a friend, and then a lover. I've moved on to start my career (my job with him was the crappy just out of college "office butt-girl" job). I know I'm not his savior, but I pray everyday that MY savior, who carried me through so many tough times years ago, will carry him as well.

I contacted Al-Anon yesterday, and they emailed me with a pdf file of all the meetings. Talk about a sign from my HP... there is a meeting for beginners today at the church A BLOCK from my office. I'll be walking there after work!