Son mad about No contact

Old 05-09-2010, 05:05 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Son mad about No contact

I went 99% no contact with my parents about 18 months ago in light of on-going criticism, largely of my parenting, unreasonable and impossible demands of me and my children, and clear double standards which included telling me it was my own fault and I deserved various bad treatments from people, including my sister screaming at me over a family dinner. I was told my best is not good enough, that my father 'doesn't like the new me' and 'can't stand being around my children.' (Most people think my kids are pretty good.) To prove his point, he told me the kids are LOUD when they (my parents) come for cake and ice cream on the kids' birthdays. (Yeah, there are a whole pack of boys from 18 down to 2, plus parents and sisters, plus a few neighborhood friends.)

My dad's words were the final straw. He's been pretty good since I moved back to his part of the country, but harsh on the kids, to the point we made no effort to take the kids there anyway, except for holidays. But his behavior through my high school and young adult years was verbally abusive, blaming me for insane things (like his marriage problems, never mind that he had been beating up my mother, that was somehow my fault, too), and choking me when I was 23.

So my son asked tonight if they can come over for cake and ice cream tonight. I said he's welcome to go see them tonight or any time, but no, they've made it clear they don't even like coming here and are too critical of me and of the little kids. My son is now angry with me. I asked how he would feel if the criticisms were aimed at him, and he just glared at me and refused to answer. In the past, when I've pressed for answers in this situation, he gives me some response about how he refuses to give me the answer I want and I won't accept his answer. I didn't bother pressing this time. I know my son. He wouldn't sit back for this treatment himself.

I know all my kids are upset with this situation. My dad told them yesterday at someone else's house they are welcome at his cabin any time. Yeah--and I'm stressed out the whole time because my whole family is on top of every move yelling at my kids, often when I'm literally already opening my mouth to take care of them, and then telling me I don't watch my kids. (Funny, after a lifetime of being the only parent on the playground.) My parents have in the past either slapped my youngest boys right in front of me (for not smiling for the camera when he was 3!) or threatened and tried to (when a 2 year old fussed after 24 near-straight hours in his car seat on a cross country trip.) But my kids *want* to go to the cabin. And my parents and sisters keep inviting them when I'm not around, and then I have to deal with this.

What in the world do I do? I have told my children briefly some of the background, but I do NOT want to be like my mother who had a 20 year campaign to try to turn me against my grandmother. I don't want to harp on it. I want to move on with my life and be left in peace. I have not stopped my children having a relationship with them and say nothing critical or negative, except in a situation like this where I am directly challenged to allow them into my home.

How do I keep my boundaries in this situation?
EveningRose is offline  
Old 05-12-2010, 07:47 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
DesertEyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Wow, Rose, your "toxic family" is really behaving in an awful way towards you. You have my sympathies.

When I had little ones at home I did the no contact thing also. I did it _completely_. Banned _all_ the toxic family members from having anything to do with my kids. And yes, it was a major battle with everybody. From your post it sounds like 99% no contact is just not working for you, it sounds to me like you relly need 100%. That's the only thing that worked for my situation.

What I don't see in your post is any mention of what kind of support _you_ have in maintaining your boundaries. Where else can your kids go to keep them busy? I made extensive use of the neighbors. Are you going to meetings of al-anon? Are you taking your kids to al-ateen and al-atot? If there aren't any, have you tried starting some meetings for the kids with other members of al-anon. How about a family therapist?

Whadya think?

Mike
DesertEyes is offline  
Old 05-15-2010, 08:41 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Mike, thanks for your answer. Isn't it funny, you call their behavior 'awful,' while in their eyes, I'm the only problem. Very sad how a lifetime of being told I'm the problem makes me wonder if I've portrayed them unfairly or exaggerated something when someone calls it awful. Makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.

I don't feel like I have much support at all in no contact. My husband more or less goes along with it. He never criticizes it. He says he understands. At the same time, I get the distinct feeling that he'd much prefer I just get over it and agree to go to family gatherings again. My older kids are unhappy with not going to family gatherings and want to invite them for graduations, etc. The younger kids want to go to the cabin and go to their grandparents to get Christmas presents, and are happy to see them around town if we bump into them, but don't ask to go over otherwise. The pressure is mainly around holidays.

I've started making other plans for holidays.

Unfortunately, I don't think a family counselor would help because I think the kids pretty much get the impression from everyone else that I am the problem. They're unhappy with the situation, and that's pretty much that in their minds. I think the older ones sort of get it, yet wish it would just go away, and everyone knows it would, if I would just agree to go back.

I guess I don't understand how these situations come around, where they could as easily say to my parents, "Maybe the situation would resolve if you would stop this stuff and have more reasonable expectations and a little patience."

Supposedly, my sister has told my dad he needs to apologize to me, but since everyone knows he'll never do any such thing, my sister at the same time has informed me that I also need to do something to fix this.
EveningRose is offline  
Old 05-15-2010, 09:08 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
DesertEyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
... Isn't it funny, you call their behavior 'awful,' while in their eyes, I'm the only problem....
That's one of the sympromts of ACoA-ism. We are the only healthy ones, but we get labeled crazy. It does make some weird kind of sense in a backwards sort of way. In a famliy of black sheep, it's the white one that looks out of place

Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
... makes me wonder if I've portrayed them unfairly or exaggerated something when someone calls it awful. ...
nope, you have not. My own biological family is quite similar, so I have the personal experience from which to say that is awful.

Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
... I don't feel like I have much support at all in no contact. ...
support from whom? Your children don't get to vote until they are adults _and_ have experience enough life to fairly understand the situation. Your toxic relatives don't count cuz they're nutz. So the only one that counts is your hubby.

Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
... I've started making other plans for holidays....
good for you !!!!

Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
... I don't think a family counselor would help because I think the kids pretty much get the impression from everyone else that I am the problem. ...
You are not the problem, you are the victim. And if you want to go see a specialist to get healed, what business is it of anybody else what _you_ do for your self?

Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
... I guess I don't understand how these situations come around...
Very slowly, one day at a time. That is also how they heal, with a lot of time.

Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
... my sister at the same time has informed me that I also need to do something to fix this....
nah, her vote doesn't count either. You _are_ doing the right thing to fix it. You're just not doing a lazy, half-done, unprofessional job. You're going to get the job done _right_, for the best of you, your family and eventually for your grand-children when the time comes.

Mike
DesertEyes is offline  
Old 05-16-2010, 10:19 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
dothi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
I totally agree with Mike - 100% no contact. These people are SO toxic that even <1% is still managing to poison your family.

Honestly, EveningRose, I maintain 0% with my alcoholic father, because even <1% can potentially send me into an emotional tailspin. I can't imagine the damage that <1% has on the mind of a developing child.

You're on the right track with new holiday plans. IMHO it sounds to me like your children are scared of this change, and the toxic things they're hearing from their relatives aren't going to help (oh man do I remember how PERFECT a toxic relative could make christmas sound, EVEN THOUGH you knew and experienced the same old sh*t show every year). Let your relatives play it up. It's a fascade; not something they'll be able to maintain for long.

Have more faith in yourself, EveningRose. You're climbing a steep learning curve with your family; it's going to be even steeper for your children. I say maintain your boundaries (no more in-your-house visits from toxic relatives), and let your children learn for themselves. Easier said than done, but hang in there.

A toxic family needs a scapegoat. They need a target for all their nastiness. With you out of the picture, the dynamics will be altered. It may be altered in such a way that it might only take one more christmas with grandma and grandpa for your sons to realize on their own that something's not right. The worst part is though, coming from a toxic family, you have to learn it on your own.

In the meantime, continue to build with your actual family the loving, supportive home you all deserve to have. The healthier your family gets, the more your wayward sons will be attracted back. I know you may be scared that you're going to lose your sons forever, but believe me when I say this too: the more learning they can accomplish about how to draw boundaries and assert their indentities with their toxic families NOW, the better off they will be as adults. By drawing your own boundaries, you are giving them a FAIR chance to learn what is healthy in an open environment.

Unfortunately the hard part is that they're all going to learn at their own pace, and when they're ready. So even though you're working hard, your progress will probably be way out of sync with theirs most of the time.
dothi is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:08 AM.