Redheadsusie

Ah moved out less than 1 month ago. Literally down the street to his parents. He said he still loves me - he wants to work things out- he realizes that he needs to be a better person so that someone can love him - he needs to get himself straight. YADA YADA YADA. We have spoken some nice conversations- when he gets angry- I hang up. Well today - I heard through the grapevine he has a date on my boat. The boat I have paid for mostly that I am not allowed on anymore. I am not jealous at all - poor woman actually - but what the hell? From all I have read it seems many of them do this to make themselves feel better so they don't have to deal with their own crap. I need to heal..period. I need to figure out what I am trying to deal with from my childhood that I keep picking the same jerk of a man! He is so adamant about infidelity being so wrong and his first wife was a cheater and she is going to hell. How is this any different . What a hypocrite. I need to work on me but how do you deal with that except for to say Really - You love me? You want it to work? Are you kidding? He will bring it up - should I ignore it- my true response would be You are pathetic - but what is that solving?

Kittyboo

he realizes that he needs to be a better person so that someone can love him

I'm in quite a mood today....sooooo.... I can only say right now that I am so SICK of hearing crap like this come out of their mouths! My XA would say it all the time..."i'm not a good man, I want to be a better person..."
IMO- this is just them saying sensitive, i'm so aware of myself crap, so that we say "No...you ARE a good man, I know you're trying, I love you, I love you"

Yep, my XA played up the "I never cheat, I don't sleep around, i'm not that kind of guy, my ex was the one who cheated on me, I was so affectionate with her"....yeah, ALL BS.

What a hypocrite is right!! He needs to maintain his "i'm such a good guy" status....and it's all a facade.

I need to figure out what I am trying to deal with from my childhood that I keep picking the same jerk of a man!
This is what I have been working on this past year as well. You sound like you know exactly what you're doing.
As far as what to say to him....goodness, I have always been ruled by emotions. Always calling bs when I saw it. Never did any good...just gave him a chance to deny it, and turn things around on me. I look back and sometimes wish I had just walked away, not speaking another word to him ever again.

I know he's your husband, so it's a little different. I know that telling him he's pathetic would feel good....may not solve anything, but for a moment it would feel good. :ghug3

Kmber2010

As a recovering alcoholic this makes me sad to read. Huggs for having to have dealt with all of this. I read through your posts on your AH and no matter what is his addiction is.....you don't need it. You need to focus on your healing my friend and to move on without him. There is more than addiction going on with him and his behavior and treatment towards you can not soley be marked off to that.

I pray you find the strength to sever ties and remove him from your life. He will certainly look for another person to mooch and use.

I have been there much like you and once my divorce ended the weight of the world was lifted and I was able to start my own healing and recovery. My life started anew.

I have sought counseling with my recovery to understand those years of why I stayed in an that mentally abusive situation.

God Bless. Stay steady and strong.

Babyblue

I agree with Kmber, there is more to this than his addiction issues. Don't use that as an explanation of his crappy behavior. There are plenty of men who act like this who are stone cold sober. And men who don't act like this who are alcoholics. Simple explanation for a complex issue. So think about why you want/need him in your life. I'd wager that if he were completely recovered, he would still be causing you grief and be mentally abusive.

Have you considered counseling for yourself?

Redheadsusie

I agree it is not all alcoholic- He is just a jerk and the alcohol and drugs compound it. Yes- I get counseling and it is helpful. I just need to deal with my own self and how I can live a happier life. Right now I am cursing at the loawn mower. AHHHHHHHGGGG! Start Please!

HealingWillCome

Redheadsusie and kittyboo,

Oh how I read your stories in my own. Last month, my XABF moved a girl into his home within two weeks of our breakup -- the kind of girl he said he never wanted to be with -- he met her in the bar, they drink and drug together, and of course, they appear to be blissfully happy together. For now, anyway. Does it hurt me? Yes, it hurts like h3ll!!!! But...people keep telling me, and I keep telling myself...thank God it is HER WHO GETS TO DEAL WITH HIM NOW AND NOT ME! YAY! YAY! YAY!

Like you, this is really about my childhood issues and what I am trying to learn...so that I know better to say NO TO THE RED FLAGS next time. In between my XAH and XABF, I dated really, really exceptional, wonderful men. So I know they are out there. I just haven't found the right one yet. But what is scary is that breaking up with GOOD men is rarely painful for me. Breaking up with the a$$holes (my divorce from XAH and now my recent XABF) has sent me in to deep, dark places of pain that I didn't know existed. Go figure.

I have been seeing a counselor since this last break up and have finally started to really take an honest look at my childhood and the effects that my AF left on me. He left my mom and 4 kids for another woman when I was seven. He was never there for us emotionally nor was he at home often. He was a drunk and a cheater. I didn't know about the cheating part as a tiny girl but I do remember sensing that the reason he was gone all the time was because he was drinking. He never abused us physically in any way, but to this day he gives me the creeps because I remember the pornographic magazines I found as a 6-year old looking through his dresser drawer one time.

My counselor has helped me to understand that the two men that have shattered my heart have been just like my dad, except that they WANTED me. They both pursued me. They both fell madly in love with me. They both treated me like the princess my AF never did. I was their princess. Mmmmmmm, did my hurting soul ever need that...someone just like my dad who actually wanted to be with me. Until the alchohol and drugs got in the way...the alcohol and drugs that they BOTH told me they wanted to give up because I was more important than anything to them.

And of course, I was there for them. Until the alcohol and drugs proved to be far more powerful for both of them than even the powerful love I could give them. And I did love them...I gave and gave and gave and gave and gave............. They sucked me dry, both of them.

Even though I know that AF, XAH, and XABF are addicts and that addictions are something I will never fully understand, it is still difficult and painful for me to know that a man could choose drugs, alcohol, and a party life OVER a woman and children and a beautiful family life.

The little girl in me chose XAH and XABF because IF I could get them to choose ME over drugs and alcohol then the wounds of my AF would be healed. Didn't happen, never will. It is now about healing myself through the love of God and trusting that HE will bring me the blessings that HE knows will bring me true joy if I give my problems, my heart, myself, and my trust to HIM.

Redheadsusie

Thank you for your wonderful insight. My parents are both alcoholics too so I really want to figure this wounded child thing out too. Very deep stuff. I have to turn this over to HP. Healingwillcome please explain this to me. I understand a lot and I am currently reading a book about this very thing but......... How would the fact that if they did choose you over drugs and alcohol - how would that heal the wounds of AF? That is the million dollar question I suppose.

HealingWillCome

Redheadsusie, I think it is a million dollar question and I know I can only speak for myself...but, for me, if someone just like AF would only give up the addictions and choose to love me more than the addictions, then finally, my craving for love could be satisfied by someone who was supposed to be the most important man in my life. My AF should have loved me deeply and treated me as a princess as a child, but he never did. There was a deep wound created by my absent AF that sort of got stitched up but never healed and has just festered all my life, quietly. I was relying on men just like AF to heal the wound because AF never did.

Part of it for me, too, is that sense of needing to WIN, if that makes any sense. I still sometimes feel like I need to win the war over drugs and alcohol, like I need to show that LOVE is more powerful than chemicals. And that love is more powerful than the pain that causes humans to choose chemicals to soothe their pain. Losing my XAH and XABF to addictions makes me feel at times, like I lost...like my LOVE should have been more powerful, because it is supposed to be, right? Love is never supposed to fail, right? This is why I have had to finally, finally accept that I have no control over others or their addictions. Their addictions are not about me or my love not being powerful enough. God is in control.

And you will find your healing, redheadsusie!!!!! You are working hard to do so, and your HP will guide you to find your wounds too, and guide you in their healing.

Summerpeach

Healing: that is some great insight you've shared, thanks very much

It was easy for me as well to walk away from the nice guys and tough to leave the jerks, though I don't have any addicts in my family.

And REDHEAD: it doesn't shock me at what your ex did, my ex and my current BF both did the same thing. Both addicts and both pathetic!
My ex told me he was leaving to be a better man so he could come back to me healed. I was so stupid back then and believed him, he left me to go be with another girl the SAME NIGHT he left me to tell me he was trying to be a better man.

These people are truly empty EMPTY souls.

Kittyboo

Healing ...WOW. You verbalize exactly what I am thinking and feeling as well.

It is very true how very true it is. Though I never grew up in an alcoholic environment...I grew up in a completely emotionally dettached environment. And there is the connection.
Constantly looking for someome to give me what I was lacking from my father. And EVERY man I am drawn to is absolutely emotionally unavailable to me. And it's like a drug. And when they leave me, it leaves me absolutely devistated.

I looked online about dealing with abandonment issues last night. It was like reading exactly how I feel right there on the screen.
One great resource I found is at abondonment.net. Just some great info I read. May be useful to anyone else who feels a sense of overwhelming loss when someone you care about ends up leaving.

HUGS

Redheadsusie

Thank you so much for all of your wisdom. Very powerful stuff indeed. My inner child obviously has some wounds that I need to heal . My parents drank more and more as the years went on and were very critical - they loved us but if I brought home 4 A's - they wanted 5 - If something happened where someone was a jerk to me it was my fault. I know I have some work to do. My 2 sisters and I all have handled our childhood or not handled it actually in different ways. I am the only 1 attracted to the addicts though- 1st boyfriend - dies high on cocaine and drunk in accident - First AH - super nice guy but when he binge drank he did very irresponsible things thta affected our family and our financial well being. This Ah - by far the worst. Super Duper abusive Personality - and I put up with it the longest - with no kids between us. I would apologize to him for my making him angry. WTH? I am praying for my healing and his - His is an empty soul and I being severely co dependednt thought I could fix him and make him feel whole. All it left me was feeling empty - he sucked the life out of me. It was like his other high to see how crappy he could make me feel- how I would beg him things would be okay and I could try harder. It was my fault he drank and got vicious with me - you know the drill. I was so afraid he would leave me until I just hit the wall and said this is not living. This is Hell and I choose life. I am going to read abandonment.net . Thanks to all of you!

HealingWillCome

Kittyboo,

WOW is right -- I just went to abandonment.net. Thanks for sharing!! Reading the information there was almost a little overwhelming. I saw myself in all of it. Wow!! Even some of the same words and phrases I have used to describe myself and circumstances were right there on the screen. Thank you!

HealingWillCome

Yes, Redheadsusie...definitely take a look at abandonment.net. I not only saw myself there, but my recent XABF. He raised himself and two siblings. His two alcoholic parents checked out on him when he was born. So many sad stories out there, so many broken hearts. We can heal and there is hope!!!

Duped

Same here. Mine used to play up the 'I don't cheat' card.

Then comes the 'working on myself' bollocks and the 'I really like what I see looking back in the mirror at me these days'.

I think mine has moved on, keeping my fingers crossed. These people all seem to read from the same script. Then again, so do we as codependents.

iwantcontrol

your stories are quite scary - I worry that if I leave my ABF until he starts recovery, that he will do just that - go off with someone else. Then I think that if he were the sort of person to go and do that then I would be much better off finding that out now.

Duped

Yes - you would be, better a little pain now than a LOT of pain, say, over the next 3 to 5 years, and then having him take off on you, no?

I honestly am at the point that I believe anyone who makes the decision to leave their alcoholic/addict is making the right choice, regardless of the circumstances. It's the smart, healthy choice. Sticking around is only opening yourself up to constant abuse and you will eventually lose your sanity.

tpen

I too am experiencing what you are. I do not have control over her and have recently gained an understanding that perhaps this is necessary - to let the "wind guide their sails". Knowing the wind will bring trials, temptations and even joy for both of us. I am not the wind, HP is!

You see, if I was still in her picture there would be no awareness, understanding and action to become a better person for either one of us. I am improving slowly and trusting HP by exercising my faith like a runner would train for the marathon. I also trust HP is at work in her life and give thanks for that. Let your worries go and give them to HP. Then pray!

TakingCharge999

Lately I have been taking care of my inner child and it has been some WONDERFUL days I've passed.


Went to a nice place and ate Dulce the leche crepes. My favorite dessert!

Have carried my cats around and allowed to feel much love and cuddled with them for a long while! very healing for someone trained NOT to allow any love from the outside.

Went to a concert yesterday night and it was great! I sang my favorite songs and enjoyed the music very much. I saw some women that looked like models and I envied them for a short while then I said "I am enough, and I love my life" and let it go.

I have been having looooooooooong conversations with current BF. We may break up.. but he said he would always be there for me if I needed him and that he cares about me being OK and happy. I recalled what XABF said when we had issues: "if you dont like this f*ck off" (what a great guy ) and I said OK.... still got many lessons to learn... but at least I am picking slightly better people now... progress.

I am losing weight and becoming more "sporty", have received many compliments and feel better in my own skin. Got appointments for doc, stylist, buy flattering stuff. Before I abandoned myself in every aspect.



So bottomline I am loving myself more and showing it with actions TO MYSELF. That is the only 'approval' that I need! such a hard lesson. But once it gets rolling it rules!!!!!!!! I don't know why I resisted so much focusing on me. My world is rich.... I thought it was horrible and empty! that it was going to be hell to look at myself.


Turns out the real hell was in all those years before of replaying abandonment again and again!


Changing topics-

I am not sure why some men act like that. I believe it is a show of weakness and their codieness at work. What would their male friends think if they were dumped? NO! THEY are PERFECT and so very manly!! the woman was not enough so they left and are so desirable they had no time to blink before the next woman!!



I don't miss high school It certainly has a very primitive aspect to it. YUK.





Thank God they got something else to entertain them and keep them away. Its like someone else is willing to go in the Lion's cage as we escape from it. Be my guest. PLEASE distract the lion while I make my Great Escape!


Anyway what happens afterwards doesn't matter, here in SR I learned and keep learning the only thing that matters is how I felt then, what XABFs acts were like with ME, and it all sucked and was horrible and I didn't deserve any of it. I also think whoever gets away from toxic people is taking a wise choice towards health and self love and that is all that matters in the long run.


Hugs!! we are already healing.

Duped

Oh, HP is at work in her life, but that doesn't necessarily mean she is working on herself. Remember, you were her puppet and cut your strings, she likely has a new puppet, I know mine does. Therefore we...you, me....and most others on this board are effectively expendable.

ElegantlyWasted

Sounds like the usual run of the mill active addict behavior. Sounds like you are doing great as far as taking care of yourself. Just figure out a way to laugh at the boat thing. I personally would want some reimbursement/recognition of ownership since you mostly paid for it, but it may be more trouble than it's worth. Keep it real,heal and move on to something better. Sounds like you have a great start.