Another step: cutting the cyberspace ties

Old 05-08-2010, 10:01 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
posiesperson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Another step: cutting the cyberspace ties

This is a hard weekend. This is the 1 year anniversary of the breakup of an emotionally abusive relationship I was in, and then I jumped right into the relationship that I just ended a little over a month ago. Add that to Mother's Day and some conflicting feelings I have toward my Mom, and it's been a little rough. I've been feeling like I'm still hanging onto some tiny little bits of hope for this relationship that just ended (and maybe even for the relationship that ended a year ago) and I need to let it go.

Tonight I was talking with a friend who is also processing a recent breakup, and while we sat together she deleted all of his text messages from her phone. Then we came back to my house and I did what I've been thinking about doing for a while: I deleted ALL of my exA's e-mails, all of my responses, everything--all 700+ messages. Along with hitting the "delete" button went the person I thought I fell in love with. There are no more reminders on the side of my e-mail login screen, the little icon for that folder of saved stuff is gone, gone, gone. And then I went to the trash folder and deleted all again. Just to be sure. And then I deleted the e-mail addresses of both exs.

I admit to reading several of the e-mails before deleting the folder. I can see how, in the beginning, there was hope. There were promises to be loyal, and concerns expressed about disappointing me. I felt so jaded and sad as I read those messages, knowing now what I surely didn't know then. It was hard to read some of those words, knowing what would come next, how I would be hurt and how my codependency would cause pain. Ah, all the things I didn't know then. I'm wiser, but it's a loss, too--those words from me were just plain well-intentioned and innocent belief (denial?) that we could overcome. That was before the lies, the manipulation, being screamed at, compromising myself for the sake of running as fast as I could from my own fear of alone-ness.

And I still have to deal with the FB thing. I haven't deleted my account but I'm seriously thinking about it, just disappearing from there altogether. It's not like I use the thing at all, I haven't been on there in months because I didn't want to spend more time at the computer, and now I don't want to know if I've been unfriended, and don't want to face the choice to unfriend my ex. I just want to wash my hands of the unnecessary pain and move on. I hope it's the right choice for myself. After all, why am I hanging onto this stuff? I've made this whole new intention for my life, and yet I'm still having moments of wanting to make some form of contact, something caring like, "I know it's the anniversary of the passing of your (family member), know that I'm thinking of you and your family..." Ugh. My sponsor and some great friends talked me away from that precipice just last night.

I'm seeking words of experience, strength and hope about this--about getting rid of the electronic ties (and literal ones) and moving on in the midst of the pain... I'm needing a good dose of that nowadays. Thanks.

posie
posiesperson is offline  
Old 05-08-2010, 10:12 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
today4me
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
I can't give you advice, but do know what you have been through. I'm in it and understand time to be the best healing with prayer. Cyberspace is just that. What should matter is real human contact, voices, expressions and feelings. Remember those the most and cherish them. It might take more memory research, but we all have our favorites.

Be strong and be patient for there will be others with helpful advice.
tpen is offline  
Old 05-08-2010, 10:30 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Posie - I needed to read this tonight. I actually read it as I was laying in bed, and you reminded me that I still have pictures of my XA and I on my computer.

I don't know why I kept them, so I just got up and deleted them all. I'm on FB, my XA has me blocked (of course!) but we have mutual friends. I actually stay away from everyone's page right now because I want no glimpse that he was maybe there. I know one day, it won't matter, but right now it does.
I would write more, but I want to go and crawl back into bed. Thank you for the inspiration. Some things deserve to evaporate into tiny cyberspace molecules.
Kittyboo is offline  
Old 05-09-2010, 06:32 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
posiesperson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Tiny cyberspace molecules, yes. I wish it didn't hurt so much. I'm continuing the purge this morning after having discovered old e-mails from my ex that I broke up with a year ago. I had just never taken the time to get rid of this of this extra baggage. With it goes the hope that isn't useful anymore. Ouch. And yet, it feels better, too...

Does anyone think it's useful to keep any of this electronic stuff? And then there's the whole question of how much of the literal stuff to let go of, too. Thoughts?

posie
posiesperson is offline  
Old 05-09-2010, 06:37 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Being Silent so I can Hear
 
Still Waters's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I think it's important not to forget - since we tend to gloss over the bad, and romanticize the good. And for me, I'm saving that stuff until the divorce is final.

But, in your situation, unless you think you need assistance in the form of those cyberspace molecules to help "play the tape forward", then I say get rid of it all.
Still Waters is offline  
Old 05-09-2010, 06:53 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
posiesperson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Thanks StillWaters. You said, "I think it's important not to forget - since we tend to gloss over the bad, and romanticize the good." So, SO true!!

The thing with these e-mails is that they are exactly the romanticized part--we really didn't have anything negative in those e-mails. The only thing I did have was the careful phrasing I could revisit with regard to a few things that my exA would manipulate to say I didn't say, etc. and I could refer back to my carefully phrased e-mails for sanity checks. My friend who was with me while I purged the stuff last night told me some things about my ex that I didn't know--stuff that further confirmed the Jekyll/Hyde thing. Gawd, I feel so stupid on one level, and on another it's further validation of what I already knew...just more so. It's painful and I don't think I need to go there but I've kept my journals so hopefully that will suffice to remind me, and that goes for both of these relationships.

I can understand why you'd keep that stuff, though. What a purging party you'll have after the divorce, yes???!!!!

posie
posiesperson is offline  
Old 05-09-2010, 06:54 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
today4me
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
You could buy a flash drive and save the electronic files to that. That way you can delete them off your PC.
tpen is offline  
Old 05-09-2010, 06:57 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
posiesperson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Good thought, tpen! Thanks for that.

I might have jumped on that idea last night if I'd had it...I think ultimately I would have come to the place of deleting everything anyway to release it on my end, but saving it to a flash drive would have been a great middle step. I'll consider it for the e-mails relationship that ended a year ago, that might be helpful.

There is relief in letting go of the files on my end. Of course I know my exA still has all of that (told me months ago that it's all kept in a temporary folder) but I keep saying to myself that that isn't "my side of the street".

I think I'm going to delete FB account today, too. I hope I don't regret any of this later!!

posie
posiesperson is offline  
Old 05-09-2010, 08:38 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Being Silent so I can Hear
 
Still Waters's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I'm going to be a deleting madwoman when all this is over! All of it will be GONE from my life except the very very valuable lessons I've learned.
Still Waters is offline  
Old 05-09-2010, 09:57 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Still - that's a great line, and I feel the same way!!

I actually decided this morning that I am going to take a much needed break from FB again as well. I'm not going to delete it, I kinda regret deleting my last page.
And though it's a connection to my friends because they are all away from me right now, it's also still such a source of anxiety.
With moving and finals this week I have enough to focus on!

My biggest problem is lack of self-control and feeling like I can't stay away from it. I swear, it's like a worm hole that sucks you in and won't let go! I have got to work on my own strength. "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."
Kittyboo is offline  
Old 05-09-2010, 10:06 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Summerpeach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
I'm going to be a deleting madwoman when all this is over! All of it will be GONE from my life except the very very valuable lessons I've learned.
Same here x a trillion. I keep stuff now so when the day arrives, I can recall the twisted sister psycho babble!
Summerpeach is offline  
Old 05-09-2010, 10:07 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Summerpeach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Nah, don't delete your account. Block him and anyone related to him.
Summerpeach is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:01 AM.