Making other people happy
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
Making other people happy
My sober husband (married 9 years, he has been sober for a year and a half) told me recently that the secret to happiness, is to make other people happy. He then said that Al-Anon teaches you (me) to be selfish. BTW he isn't a 12 stepper.
What! I tried for 8 years to make my husband happy and put down the bottle. It never happened until I gave up trying to make him happy. I now put myself first, even before my children. If they don't want to nap and I want to rest, I don't get angry. Instead I lie down and sleep. Sometimes they sleep too, but sometimes they don't. It doesn't matter because even if they are cranky by the end of the day, at least I am well rested and I don't get angry too. If I'm hungry and it is dinnertime and they don't want to come to the dinnertable, I sit down and start eating first. They usually join me.
It isn't selfish to make me a priority, it is healthy. I can only think this must be a stage in his recovery from alcohol abuse. Like it is a big revelation for him to realise he shouldn't be such a selfish #$%^. "Wow, other people matter too. It isn't all me!" I love him dearly and I am very happy in our relationship. I can't be too harsh because basically he probably is where I was a few years back - trying to people please. It doesn't work and I have to trust that he will figure that out for himself.
What! I tried for 8 years to make my husband happy and put down the bottle. It never happened until I gave up trying to make him happy. I now put myself first, even before my children. If they don't want to nap and I want to rest, I don't get angry. Instead I lie down and sleep. Sometimes they sleep too, but sometimes they don't. It doesn't matter because even if they are cranky by the end of the day, at least I am well rested and I don't get angry too. If I'm hungry and it is dinnertime and they don't want to come to the dinnertable, I sit down and start eating first. They usually join me.
It isn't selfish to make me a priority, it is healthy. I can only think this must be a stage in his recovery from alcohol abuse. Like it is a big revelation for him to realise he shouldn't be such a selfish #$%^. "Wow, other people matter too. It isn't all me!" I love him dearly and I am very happy in our relationship. I can't be too harsh because basically he probably is where I was a few years back - trying to people please. It doesn't work and I have to trust that he will figure that out for himself.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Boston, MA (Mattapan) Legit ghetto but I love it
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This is ironic because I just posted about this in a reply to another thread.
For as long as I can remember my happiness depended on another persons. And when my ex boyfriend got PTSD, I could no longer make him happy. And I've been miserable because of that. I can't let someone else happiness dictate my own but it does. Because nothing else makes me happier than making someone else happy and that's not always a good way to live life because most of the time we have to be the ones to makes ourselves happy... because in the end the only person you can *really* depend on is yourself.
I am having a very hard time accepting this and I honestly thing a *huge* amount of my issues are because of that. I think it's great that you have such a good attitude about this. You are a happy and healthier person for living your life this way and I both admire and envy that.
And yes you're right about him having to figure it out on his own. Maybe it comes with being an alcoholic, I don't know. I think deep down a lot of alcoholics hate themselves for what they're doing. And maybe we feel like if we make other people happy we can make ourselves happy. I really don't know but I'm still stuck where your husband is, in that place where my own happiness depends on how happy I can make other people.
For as long as I can remember my happiness depended on another persons. And when my ex boyfriend got PTSD, I could no longer make him happy. And I've been miserable because of that. I can't let someone else happiness dictate my own but it does. Because nothing else makes me happier than making someone else happy and that's not always a good way to live life because most of the time we have to be the ones to makes ourselves happy... because in the end the only person you can *really* depend on is yourself.
I am having a very hard time accepting this and I honestly thing a *huge* amount of my issues are because of that. I think it's great that you have such a good attitude about this. You are a happy and healthier person for living your life this way and I both admire and envy that.
And yes you're right about him having to figure it out on his own. Maybe it comes with being an alcoholic, I don't know. I think deep down a lot of alcoholics hate themselves for what they're doing. And maybe we feel like if we make other people happy we can make ourselves happy. I really don't know but I'm still stuck where your husband is, in that place where my own happiness depends on how happy I can make other people.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I just love the analogy of the oxygen masks on an airplane relating to recovery.
I grew up believing that you had to do for others to have self worth and that by doing something for yourself before doing for others you were selfish and self indulgent.
I have learned that if a plane loses its cabin pressure and oxygen supply and the oxygen masks drop, I have the option of rushing about the plane putting as many oxygen masks on people as I can before I suffocate and die. It's entirely possible that I would also force my assistance upon those who didn't even need it anyway. As a codependent it would be a trait of mine to martyr myself and my dying thought would be the resentment that noone bothered to help me with my mask. How pathetic.
Now that I am in recovery I have learned the better option in this case, and a healther one at that, would be to put my oxygen mask on first. Not only does this give me the chance to save myself, but it also gives those people capable of doing the same the opportunity to do it without my unsolicited assistance. Instead, I can help others who need help, and I stay alive to help more people than I would be able to otherwise. Win-win all around, right?
So why was it so hard to see something so simple??
I've not yet understood it. I guess how I was raised by a codependent mother is the starting point.
I gave this analogy to my mother and she said in theory she understood it, but did not see anything wrong with choosing to sacrifice herself for those on the plane. She argued that it's human nature to do so. Oh well.
Thank you for posting this ICANT. It's definitely something I think about and the more discussion and ideas the merrier, I think.
Blessings!
Alice
I grew up believing that you had to do for others to have self worth and that by doing something for yourself before doing for others you were selfish and self indulgent.
I have learned that if a plane loses its cabin pressure and oxygen supply and the oxygen masks drop, I have the option of rushing about the plane putting as many oxygen masks on people as I can before I suffocate and die. It's entirely possible that I would also force my assistance upon those who didn't even need it anyway. As a codependent it would be a trait of mine to martyr myself and my dying thought would be the resentment that noone bothered to help me with my mask. How pathetic.
Now that I am in recovery I have learned the better option in this case, and a healther one at that, would be to put my oxygen mask on first. Not only does this give me the chance to save myself, but it also gives those people capable of doing the same the opportunity to do it without my unsolicited assistance. Instead, I can help others who need help, and I stay alive to help more people than I would be able to otherwise. Win-win all around, right?
So why was it so hard to see something so simple??
I've not yet understood it. I guess how I was raised by a codependent mother is the starting point.
I gave this analogy to my mother and she said in theory she understood it, but did not see anything wrong with choosing to sacrifice herself for those on the plane. She argued that it's human nature to do so. Oh well.
Thank you for posting this ICANT. It's definitely something I think about and the more discussion and ideas the merrier, I think.
Blessings!
Alice
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
What I have learned in my own recovery is that the secret to happiness is to make _all_ of us happy. Me, you, them, us, etc. etc.
My disease of codie-ism is a disease of extremes. I didn't want to make my ex wife happy, I wanted her life to be insanely perfect. I didn't want our marriage to be happy, I wanted it fantastically wonderful. When things were not perfect, I would do whatever it took to force them perfect, and if that _still_ didn't work, then I just fantasized that they were perfect.
My recovery is based on "balance". I no longer seek to make my relationship with my g/f _perfect_. I try only to make both of us live in balance with one another. I no longer try to make others happy thru my own sacrifice, I simply do for other what they cannot do for themselves.... if it doesn't cause me harm in the process. Many times I just sit back and let others do for each other and I get out of their way.
Not to say that my recovery is easy. I'm a codie to the bone. My first reflex is always to jump in there and fix things the way _I_ think they should be. But I'm making progress. I have even learned to recognize "balance" when I see it.
Balance is that halfway point I zoom thru on my way from one extreme to another
Mike
My disease of codie-ism is a disease of extremes. I didn't want to make my ex wife happy, I wanted her life to be insanely perfect. I didn't want our marriage to be happy, I wanted it fantastically wonderful. When things were not perfect, I would do whatever it took to force them perfect, and if that _still_ didn't work, then I just fantasized that they were perfect.
My recovery is based on "balance". I no longer seek to make my relationship with my g/f _perfect_. I try only to make both of us live in balance with one another. I no longer try to make others happy thru my own sacrifice, I simply do for other what they cannot do for themselves.... if it doesn't cause me harm in the process. Many times I just sit back and let others do for each other and I get out of their way.
Not to say that my recovery is easy. I'm a codie to the bone. My first reflex is always to jump in there and fix things the way _I_ think they should be. But I'm making progress. I have even learned to recognize "balance" when I see it.
Balance is that halfway point I zoom thru on my way from one extreme to another
Mike
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