Who'da thunk...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Who'da thunk...
That getting a dozen beautiful red roses delivered to my house would make me feel so sad?
I've been doing so good. Working so hard, really, at the whole detachment thing...focusing on myself...trying to leave him in God's care. Holding fast and firm to those boudaries.
Doing everything right. Doing everything I know I need to do to reclaim some peace and sanity in my life.
And then he had to go and send roses for mother's day. And I just want to cry.
I know...
I know...
I should view the roses as manipulation. And somewhere deep down I suppose he did send them to manipulate me. To find a way back into my heart. But I also know that my exah loves me a great deal. He'd give his life for me. I'm positive of this fact.
And yet, he has so many problems...so many problems that I cannot fix...Problems I just can't live with anymore.
He doesn't do what he does to hurt me.
I know this.
And I guess this is why the delivery felt like a big old kick in the gut.
I should probably call him to thank him.
I suppose thats the right thing to do.
I just can't believe that a dozen beautiful red roses could take the wind out of my sails like this.
I've been doing so good. Working so hard, really, at the whole detachment thing...focusing on myself...trying to leave him in God's care. Holding fast and firm to those boudaries.
Doing everything right. Doing everything I know I need to do to reclaim some peace and sanity in my life.
And then he had to go and send roses for mother's day. And I just want to cry.
I know...
I know...
I should view the roses as manipulation. And somewhere deep down I suppose he did send them to manipulate me. To find a way back into my heart. But I also know that my exah loves me a great deal. He'd give his life for me. I'm positive of this fact.
And yet, he has so many problems...so many problems that I cannot fix...Problems I just can't live with anymore.
He doesn't do what he does to hurt me.
I know this.
And I guess this is why the delivery felt like a big old kick in the gut.
I should probably call him to thank him.
I suppose thats the right thing to do.
I just can't believe that a dozen beautiful red roses could take the wind out of my sails like this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
Sorry about your day! He probably doesn't do things intentionally to hurt you, but it did. Don't feel you need to call because it's "the right thing to do". Trust your instincts and your heart and do what is best for you. Keep the focus on yourself and just enjoy the beauty of the flowers for what they symbolize. You're a wonderful mom! Happy Mothers' Day!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Ideally, even apart you could remain friends. That doesn't work for some, but just because your life together is over, there was a big part of it you shared and to honour you on Mother's Day might just have been a nice thing to do.
Enjoy the roses, there are no strings attached unless you let there be.
Hugs
Enjoy the roses, there are no strings attached unless you let there be.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by outonalimb 
somewhere deep down I suppose he did send them to manipulate me. To find a way back into my heart. But I also know that my exah loves me a great deal. He'd give his life for me. I'm positive of this fact.
And yet, he has so many problems...so many problems that I cannot fix...Problems I just can't live with anymore.
He doesn't do what he does to hurt me.
I know this.
And yet, he has so many problems...so many problems that I cannot fix...Problems I just can't live with anymore.
He doesn't do what he does to hurt me.
I know this.
i don't even know if any of us can say for sure that the flowers were a manipulation. (i don't know your x)
my exhusband of four years, has twice given me a flowering plant and card on mother's day since we divorced. they were quietly left on my front porch. the card last year simply said, "thanks for being such a great mom". i know the only intention, was to thank me for some of the things i did right.
no guilt, out-on-a
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
He doesn't do what he does to hurt me.
I know this.
Your post totally hit home with me. I know what you mean. I feel exactly the same. My XAH was a MONSTER in his addiction. Now behind bars notsomuch. I wouldn't trust him or have faith in his future, but still... My XAH sent me a card and a POEM! Saying I'm an awesome mom, wife/person whatever. I know that he means it, but I still discard it after everything he's done. The poem totally was misspelled, (
) but still it hit home. Could it be manipulation?... maybe. I'm trying to deem it as that, but still, it's hard.
The only thing that I can say is ACTIONS .... NOT ... WORDS. We've both had a mountain load of WORDS that have gotten us nowhere except thrown into the gutters. Let's focus on their ACTIONS.... 'k?
I know this.
Your post totally hit home with me. I know what you mean. I feel exactly the same. My XAH was a MONSTER in his addiction. Now behind bars notsomuch. I wouldn't trust him or have faith in his future, but still... My XAH sent me a card and a POEM! Saying I'm an awesome mom, wife/person whatever. I know that he means it, but I still discard it after everything he's done. The poem totally was misspelled, (
) but still it hit home. Could it be manipulation?... maybe. I'm trying to deem it as that, but still, it's hard. The only thing that I can say is ACTIONS .... NOT ... WORDS. We've both had a mountain load of WORDS that have gotten us nowhere except thrown into the gutters. Let's focus on their ACTIONS.... 'k?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
this is my viewpoint exactly. i know that my xabf would step in front of a bullet for me
My gosh...more true words couldn't be spoken. He knows what I want on my cheeseburger, he knows I don't like ANY fat, he knows what movies I like to watch, he KNOWS to flip the channel for graphic scenes... ( prison crap, a leopard being killed, an alligator killing someone... I'm sooo not a hunter!) He knows how I like my back rubbed, knows how I like my popcorn. He knows everything about me. Except for the fact that I won't deal with drugs. He also knows my belief in God. He KNOWS everything, but yet doesn't follow it.... WORDS mean nothing. ACTION does.
My gosh...more true words couldn't be spoken. He knows what I want on my cheeseburger, he knows I don't like ANY fat, he knows what movies I like to watch, he KNOWS to flip the channel for graphic scenes... ( prison crap, a leopard being killed, an alligator killing someone... I'm sooo not a hunter!) He knows how I like my back rubbed, knows how I like my popcorn. He knows everything about me. Except for the fact that I won't deal with drugs. He also knows my belief in God. He KNOWS everything, but yet doesn't follow it.... WORDS mean nothing. ACTION does.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
gosh - these posts really hit at the heart of it for me. Out - I so get your feelings. The roses seem symbolic of all the parts of your experience with him that were good. Of course they would trigger those feelings.
Roses, tenderness, caring are all of the triggers that hit me the same way that a particular street corner, phone number of a drug dealer, or experience might trigger an addict.
Who knows whether the intent was to manipulate you? Maybe - but just as likely not. What manipulates me are my own emotions.
Sometimes I get tired of being detached, strong, and resilient. Sometimes I just want the feeling of being loved and treasured. Those desires reek havoc on my recovery at times. But with support and putting it "out there" my secrets and my desires won't pull be back into the rabbit hole that pretends that it will bring me happiness instead of pain.
Right now I am going to celebrate you on mother's day. No one ever told us that this would be easy - but no one ever told us that it would be this hard either.
Love and hugs.
Roses, tenderness, caring are all of the triggers that hit me the same way that a particular street corner, phone number of a drug dealer, or experience might trigger an addict.
Who knows whether the intent was to manipulate you? Maybe - but just as likely not. What manipulates me are my own emotions.
Sometimes I get tired of being detached, strong, and resilient. Sometimes I just want the feeling of being loved and treasured. Those desires reek havoc on my recovery at times. But with support and putting it "out there" my secrets and my desires won't pull be back into the rabbit hole that pretends that it will bring me happiness instead of pain.
Right now I am going to celebrate you on mother's day. No one ever told us that this would be easy - but no one ever told us that it would be this hard either.
Love and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
Originally Posted by Callie
this is my viewpoint exactly. i know that my xabf would step in front of a bullet for me
My gosh...more true words couldn't be spoken. He knows what I want on my cheeseburger, he knows I don't like ANY fat, he knows what movies I like to watch, he KNOWS to flip the channel for graphic scenes... ( prison crap, a leopard being killed, an alligator killing someone... I'm sooo not a hunter!) He knows how I like my back rubbed, knows how I like my popcorn. He knows everything about me. Except for the fact that I won't deal with drugs. He also knows my belief in God. He KNOWS everything, but yet doesn't follow it.... WORDS mean nothing. ACTION does.
My gosh...more true words couldn't be spoken. He knows what I want on my cheeseburger, he knows I don't like ANY fat, he knows what movies I like to watch, he KNOWS to flip the channel for graphic scenes... ( prison crap, a leopard being killed, an alligator killing someone... I'm sooo not a hunter!) He knows how I like my back rubbed, knows how I like my popcorn. He knows everything about me. Except for the fact that I won't deal with drugs. He also knows my belief in God. He KNOWS everything, but yet doesn't follow it.... WORDS mean nothing. ACTION does.
yep same here.
i'm using a computer that he bought me to type this right now.
he knows what i like, all the weird stuff. etc.
what does it all mean? where is the action? what is the action?
sigh.
big. deep breaths.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
Originally Posted by cynical one
Ya know, I would send him a thank you note because it's the polite thing to do. And then first thing tomorrow morning, I would take them to a local nursing home and just get so much pleasure from just seeing the faces of the moms who are alone or forgotten and not have that reminder staring at me for the next week.
wow i second this! great call!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Roses, tenderness, caring are all of the triggers that hit me the same way that a particular street corner, phone number of a drug dealer, or experience might trigger an addict.
We read about the addicts on this forum...we post about the insanity...and the addicts sound like monsters but they aren't. Just like Callie said...
He knows what I want on my cheeseburger, he knows I don't like ANY fat, he knows what movies I like to watch, he KNOWS to flip the channel for graphic scenes... ( prison crap, a leopard being killed, an alligator killing someone... I'm sooo not a hunter!) He knows how I like my back rubbed, knows how I like my popcorn. He knows everything about me. Except for the fact that I won't deal with drugs. He also knows my belief in God. He KNOWS everything, but yet doesn't follow it.... WORDS mean nothing. ACTION does.
My exah went to church with me every sunday. I watched him pray. I know what he prayed for. And yet, he hasn't been able to do what he needs to do to deal with his addiction and the problems underlying it.
I felt really dumb coming here to post about the fact that i received flowers. Seems like a stupid thing to post about. Thanks for reaching out with so much understanding and empathy. What a blessing this place and all of you are.
Cynical one, I REALLY love your suggestion about the nursing home. Thats just what I'm going to do. I'm going to ask the nursing home to deliver them to a mom who could use them today and have them be from a secret admirer. What a great idea.
My exah always told me I'm a great mom. I really think he just wanted to do something on mother's day to thank me for that. And I'm going to try to remember that what makes me a great mom (among other things) is that I'm doing what I need to do to raise my son in a peaceful, secure home that is free of addiction. I'm going to let the roses be a reminder of this fact so they reinforce what I'm doing here instead of undermining it.
Happy mother's day to all of you...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by outonalimb
I'm going to try to remember that what makes me a great mom (among other things) is that I'm doing what I need to do to raise my son in a peaceful, secure home that is free of addiction. I'm going to let the roses be a reminder of this fact so they reinforce what I'm doing here instead of undermining it.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
My exah always told me I'm a great mom. I really think he just wanted to do something on mother's day to thank me for that. And I'm going to try to remember that what makes me a great mom (among other things) is that I'm doing what I need to do to raise my son in a peaceful, secure home that is free of addiction. I'm going to let the roses be a reminder of this fact so they reinforce what I'm doing here instead of undermining it.
So, so true! My XAH has always said I'm a good mom. Always. You are right, part of being a good mom is removing myself and my children from the tornado of addiction. We are protecting them no matter how painful it is! Thank you for reminding me of this out...
Today I woke up to breakfast in bed. It consisted of toast, strawberries, yogurt and pretzels! It was very nicely plated and waiting for me when I woke up. I woke up to a slew of cards, poems, drawings etc. It made me feel so good and also made me know that I'm at least doing something right...
Happy Mothers Day everyone!
So, so true! My XAH has always said I'm a good mom. Always. You are right, part of being a good mom is removing myself and my children from the tornado of addiction. We are protecting them no matter how painful it is! Thank you for reminding me of this out...
Today I woke up to breakfast in bed. It consisted of toast, strawberries, yogurt and pretzels!
It was very nicely plated and waiting for me when I woke up. I woke up to a slew of cards, poems, drawings etc. It made me feel so good and also made me know that I'm at least doing something right...Happy Mothers Day everyone!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 118
Do men think we're this easily bought?
My mother taught me to buy my own jewelry and chocolates and flowers and I love her again today for those lessons.
Mere flowers do not impress me. Some guy is gonna have to try a lot harder than buying me a bunch of roses to get to me. I can buy my own roses.
cb
But do keep them around, they are always so lovely. I might just see them in a different light.
My mother taught me to buy my own jewelry and chocolates and flowers and I love her again today for those lessons.
Mere flowers do not impress me. Some guy is gonna have to try a lot harder than buying me a bunch of roses to get to me. I can buy my own roses.
cb
But do keep them around, they are always so lovely. I might just see them in a different light.
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