ShockedGF

Okay, so I was doing so well with the NC. Been several weeks since we last had any contact at all. So it's Friday and it's been a crappy week at work so I cracked open a few beers and BBQ'd a steak. I just kept stewing and stewing about all the crap that's happened between EXAB and me I blew it. I sent text(s). The first one was a rant -

"Yeah I've had a few beers...so what! What about you? Still sober? Not like I'd know if you lied since I was such an idiot before. So tell me this, how do you look someone in the face, tell them you love them then act like they don't exist? Was I that stupid or were you that much of an ass?"

After 20 minutes without a response, I sent another:

"What a shock, he has nothing to say. Did you do that 4th step yet? Make sure you add liar, user and manipulator to that list of character defects. I'll confess my 'relapse' at my al anon meeting next week but god this feels good right now!"

My phone rang after the 2nd text but I didn't answer and the number was unknown. I feel so good but at the same time, I know I shouldn't have done it.

Anyone wanna smack me and tell me to get back with the program?

Catkill23

I'm 8 months sober, and I wish my wife talked to me like that, at least it's something.

sleepie

It's obvious you're hurting. Sometimes we do things that aren't necessarily effective at getting the results we desire. I don't know the full story regarding you and you or ex BF, however I do wish you the best in your recovery- it sounds like you're going to meetings so you're on the right track.

Kittyboo

Oh Shocked you remind me of me!!!

Hey, I had my relapse a month ago and sent texts telling my XA he was a liar, manipulative and said whatever he needed to say to get what he wants.

I didn't get a phone call back....just texts telling me I was clearly insane and the cause of the downfall of our friendship.

Could I have done without hearing that? Yes. Could I have done without saying what I wanted to say? Yes.
But it's done. And yes, it felt good telling him he was a liar. I never said it before.

You said what you wanted to say in the moment. Whether it was a mistake or not doesn't matter now. It's ok. You had these things bottled up inside and this is how you released them.
When I told my therapist what I had said to my X, she told me she was glad I finally said it. Because he was a liar. (wow, that made me feel really good to type that right now)

Wake up tomorrow...and get back with the program! Sending you hugs!!! It's ok.

ShockedGF

I don't understand what goes on in the addict's head. I want to feel compassion but I can't when he won't speak his truth and let me in. I feel used and manipulated. I love him but I'm so hurt. I'm reading a book called Broken, written by a recovered alcoholic addict. I need to understand how he thinks. I don't want to be so angry with him. I don't know how to do that.

Kittyboo

I would tell my therapist that I didn't want to be so angry either, and she would ask why?
She helped me to realize that I had every right to be angry. It was anger that made me stand up for myself. It was anger that pushed me to understand there are certain ways I do not deserve to be treated in a relationship. It was anger that allowed me see the relationship for what it was...so one sided. Anger is not always a bad thing.
Anger can be very healing.

In the beginning I would come here and read all about alcoholism, the behavior, because it helped me to not feel so bad about myself. It helped me to realize his behavior had nothing to do with me. But what it ended up doing for me was helping me to stop focusing on him and start focusing on myself and realizing that I do not want someone like that in my life.
Yes, there is pain and loss. Loss of the idea of someone. But there is no loss in who he really is.
I don't think that you will ever be able to understand how he is thinking.

I loved him too.....but I love me more

LaTeeDa

And that's something to add to your gratitude list. Because in order to understand what goes on in the addict's head, you would have to be an addict.

L

ShockedGF

You guys are the best!!! I've been doing so well but had a slip tonight. Maybe it's being home alone or maybe it's the 2 beers I've had. I know I deserve more than this and in all honesty, I know HE knows I deserve more than this. I haven't even cried about this in months. I just feel so angry all of a sudden. Then of course I want to kick myself for showing that anger - not being the one that "has it all together". Screw it! I'm human, I'm angry and what is...is. Tomorrow is a new day!

Catkill23

Don't worry if people don't understand you, worry if you don't understand others.

Confucious

ShockedGF

Catkill - can you help me understand?

Catkill23

I'm the "A" in the family, 8 months sober, 8 years married. It sounds like I maybe different from the other AH or XABF's in the threads I read as I don't say anything to my wife, because she seems to not want me too I guess. So for the past 8 months we haven't spoken more then 50 words. She spends all time with friends, spends money we don't have, I cook, clean, work, meetings, take care of kid all week. And I give her her peace and quiet and don't say a word. I was told that it could take 2 years of doing this.

I understand this, and am content with it. I just feel sorry for my son as he probably doesn't understand it though.

ShockedGF

Catkill, I'm sorry your situation is so hard. I can't really relate because I didn't live 8 years with an alcoholic husband. I had a 7 month relationship with an alcoholic who hid it and lied to me the entire time. I feel like I got conned and am pissed off at myself for not seeing it. Your wife, I suspect has dealt with a lot of painful broken promises and fallout from your disease. I'd imagine she is confused, hurt and scared to death. I suspect she wonders what goes through your head as much as you do hers. I think deep down we all just want to be understood. Maybe you could ask her to tell you how she feels and show her the compassion she deserves. I know it must be painful to hear of the pain you may have caused someone you love but until she feels you really "get it", it might be hard to move forward.