SadButHopeful

So stbxah has been sober for 2 months now, and going to outpatient rehab. Why couldn't he do this before??? Why did he have to drive the family apart, THEN decide to sober up???? Why is it ok to drink when you live with a wife and kids, but when you are single, THEN you become responsible?????

Kittyboo

I wish I could answer this. But so many times I read that an A must hit a rock bottom, a true devistating rock bottom to turn his/her life around.
I don't know your entire history, but maybe losing you and his family was his rock bottom?

Daisy30

Remember we are living life on life's terms

He may be sober, he may stay sober or he may not. It doesn't change any decision you have made. Even if he has been sober for 2 months, think about how long it took you to get to the point you are now, all that you have learned. Who's to say that years in future you won't remarry? it has happened before. BUT you should not second guess yourself for the decisions you have made. You used all of the information you had availble. You chose to keep your family safe and healthy.

No one knows what an A's bottom will be not even the A. For some it's a DUI, others it the loss of a family, and still others it's death.
I understand your fustration (((hugs)))

Kmber2010

As a recovering alcoholic, sometimes you must hit that rock bottom and lose it all before you find the courage to quit drinking. Alcohol for me became a crutch to get through the days. I was on self-destruct and there was not one thing anyone could do for me. Alcohol is beyond anything that I ever could have imagined. It controlled me and I kept feeding it. I knew it was wrong but I was helpless over it. Alcohol turned me into a person who didn't care about anything.

I am glad he is in recovery but the pain of living with an alcoholic can not be erased.

I would suggest counseling for yourself or Al-Anon.

All the best my friend.

ChildrenB4AW

SadButHopeful - You made a decision based on the current situation. Your STBXAH may have finally gotten the message that he would never have received if you did not take the action that you did. I would recommend that you stay the course. In a few years, you can remarry, but two months of "white knuckled" sobriety does not a recovery make. My wife has been sober for a period of 18 months in the past three years, and then went back to drinking and driving with our 4 little girls. This was after a car accident with the children - she blew a .33bac. After she was sober for 12 months, we invited her to move back home. After a 3 month binge, I told her that I was proceeding with the divorce, she drank for three more days, but has been stone cold sober since then. Maybe the divorce has gotten through to her, maybe she'll keep it together long enough to have a chance for custody in court - who knows? Certainly not me and not her either. As I've told my wife's family - if she stays sober maybe the divorce and the loss of her children helped get her there. If she keeps drinking, then we're fortunate to have the children protected. In either case, I made the right decision. I've wondered many times - how can she stay sober now? The truth is that if it's really important to the alcoholic, they can stay sober for an extended period of time. Unfortunately, what's importnant to an alcoholic is typically different that a rational person.

Remember - "I have a right to free myself from any situation that interferes with my having a decent life and pleasant experiences. Every human being is entitled to live without fear, uncertainty, discomfort. I should take a firm stand and hold fast to whatever decision I make, to help not only myself and my family, but the suffering alcoholic as well. Constant wavering can only hinder me from breaking out of my present thinking patterns"

Here's what I say each day when I meditate - "God guide me to make the right decision and give me the fortitude to cling to it against all pressures and persuasions.

One Day at a Time - January 13th

Good luck - you had many good reasons to make the decision that you did - your STBXAH's actions should not change your perspective. Just be thankful that maybe he's on a path to sobriety, and you are on a path to live without fear, discomfort and the uncertainty casued by alcoholism.

LaTeeDa

I am also on the list of ex-wives whose husband got sober after I left him. We tried to reconcile, but either I had changed too much, or it was just too late. One thing I am really glad about is that we didn't jump back in too soon. I knew how hard it was on the kids that we split up in the first place and I didn't want to risk doing it again if things didn't work out.

Keep moving forward with your life. If it's meant to be, it will.

L

gmc

Sounds like it happened according to someone else's schedule, instead of yours. I can understand your feelings about it, but it is his own recovery so just keep on keeping on with your own recovery and letting your higher power guide you! =-)

tpen

I pray to HP for this to happen to my XAGF and know your situation is different with marriage. Just try to accept it.

Kassie2

Think of it as he had to lose everything in order to see what was happening. When I realized my husband wasn't able to stop while living with me I asked him to leave. It was a long time before he saw he his own behavior and problem. It seemed that as long as we were together he had someone to blame for everything.

We tried to reconcile and he relapsed before the move. Just showed us that he wasn't ready. Just because they get sober doesn't exclude the ability to suddenly know how to cope with life. Be patient. Focus on you and the kids moving forward. If he wants to join you he will do what he needs to do for that. There are people who recover and reconcile with their families.

Be grateful that he is sober regardless of the circumstances. It means his life.

Freedom1990

Just because he hasn't drank for 2 months, and is attending outpatient rehab doesn't mean he's now Mr. Responsibility.

At 2 months sober, I was still stark raving bananas. Yes, I had a full-time job and I supported myself and an 8 year old daughter. However, I was far from well.

Time will tell whether he's serious about recovery and if he will stick with it when the rough spots come up (and they will, guaranteed).

I've been around the rooms of AA since 1986, and I have seen very few even make it to a year, let alone multiples of years.

Summerpeach

ChildrenB4, great post. You're a great addiction to SR :-)

SAD: he decided because more than likely, the pain of being alone was too much and he realized his options.
Life is funny this way, where we want it, it never happens, when we let go, it finally does
Well I've decided to let go of my need to win the lottery so........;-)

SadButHopeful

Thank you.

I am really grateful that he is sober. I do still love him and I want him to be healthy. I know that it is early days, who knows what the future holds.

You are all very encouraging. Thank you for helping me to understand.

Kassie2

i think it is hard for us on this side to understand what the A goes through and what or what does not go through their mind.

Focusing on gratitude for what is good and loving and protective in life are key ingredients for well being.

Your question is an understandable one. It brings up the whole gamut of emotions that this "illness" and the "dance" it brings up between us. Let go of the"dance" and put one foot in front of the other.

Enjoy your day with your special ones.