Bipodrunk

I'm new here. I don't even really know what to say. All I know is I need help. I'm bipolar. I'm the mother of a fantastic, beautiful genius of a son. I also have a very supportive (but at a loss of how to help me) fiance. Man, I really messed up. I've made some bad decisions lately and alienated myself from my friends, except for one. But now SHE'S carrying the weight of my issues, as well. The most hilarious thing about all of this is that I received my certificate as a Certified Chemical Dependency Counselor about 15 years ago. I KNOW I'm not bad, I just have an illness. I KNOW what rock bottom is, I'm at it. I've started therapy recently and will be entering intensive outpatient treatment starting early June. I just don't know what to do until then. I'm a mess. I can't forgive myself for the things I've done. I've taken my son to the liquor store with me before taking him to school. I DON'T drink and drive with him in the car, though, thank God. But he knows what's going on. And his father is starting to get wind of something going on. Who am I kidding? EVERYONE knows what's going on. My mother died a year and a half ago and I can't seem to get over it. she was the only one that understood my bipolarity and addictive personality. Oh Lord, I'm rambling. I'm sorry.

Bipodrunk

Have you ever NOT been suicidal but just wished you were dead?

bananagrrrl

Hey there, welcome! I am bipolar also. I am on medication that I get through my psychiatrist. We have spent a over a year changing it over and over it and it is finally right. It will take some time, but your doctor should know what is going on with you. Who diagnosed you as bipolar?

In the mean time, have you thought of trying AA and not drinking one day at a time? It has helped me immensely.

Good luck with your treatment and keep us updated on your progress!

artsoul

This is a great place, banannagrrl, so just ramble on! :ghug3 Don't know what I'd do without these folks right now. I know I've disappointed myself many, many times over a period of 20 years. Had good sobriety time, only to think I was now "strong enough" to drink. Had to prove myself wrong one more time and I know this is it for me. It's hard with a dual diagnosis, I know (OCD/depression for me). But I'm discovering that things are SO much more manageable without the insanity of chasing that drink all over town.

Congratulations on reaching out (come over and get to know the people in our May class, too!) p.s. don't be too hard on yourself.

Bipodrunk

Thank you. I've been trying to be "strong enough" myself for a long time. I was in treatment a long time ago (for IV drug use) and did the whole AA/NA thing. I must think I'm smarter than I am. I didn't "get it" fully back then, apparently. Time to try again. Just getting over the shame and self-hatred is hardest.

Bamboozle

Yeah.


Hi, Bipod. Welcome to SR. You've come to a mighty good place. There are several posters who have bipolar disorder as well...plus some depressed people like me.

Hang in there.

Stayinfree

Hi Bipodrunk, welcome!

There has been many a time I've felt like that...I know where you're at.

I hope you get the support you need, coming here'a a good start.

Dean62

The quickest way to get over the shame and self-hatred is to get your tail back into meetings right now. When having those kinds of thoughts remember they are "perceived or real".....most of them are perceived.

That stuff is in our heads, we need to get out our heads in order to get that stuff out with help from others who have been there.

No need to wait for your treatment to start, you can take action now.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

sailorjohn

JME, I 'got it' for a long time, I just never accepted it.

Acceptance was the only thing that ever worked for me.

Anna

I think you are absolutely right that the shame and the guilt are very hard to deal with. Those emotions kept me drinking much longer than I should have. I got caught up in the horrible cycle of drinking/feeling horrible/being unable to cope with my emotions/drinking again.

Try to not let your emotions overwhelm you and know that you can do this.

Kmber2010

I do understand the whole beating yourself up over past decisions. I regretted choices I made and went down an alcoholic path of self-destruction. I drank to somehow relieve the pain, to forget, to just not care. When I had panic attacks/anxiety well....I would drink to the point of oblivion just to get through the day.

I also understand to well how it feels to not see any light at the end of the tunnel and it took a very frightening "It's a miracle I am here" sorta moment to say that I am willing to try anything to make the pain stop. I chose sobriety. Not sure how I made it through....I was all alone, felt alienated (you can read my initial posts) but I knew I had to change my ways.

I am glad you are on SR, you have our support so even at those odd hours of the day/night someone is here so you are not alone. You have your program starting shortly so its a matter of being as strong as you can and focusing on getting through each day. You have a son who needs you and once you can move beyond this time in your life you will see that there is so much greatness.

I personally found alcohol to be my demon. Added to my depression/anxiety and made me feel like I was the worst of the worst. Now that I am sober and have been doing counseling....I am more then I have thought I could be in years.

Keep with your therapy and know that many of us have traveled rough roads. We have to forgive ourselves and that comes in time. I am just starting to come to terms with some really tough things in my past.

God Bless my friend. Stay strong.

Rev

I've had nights like that, when my depression was really bad. Sometimes, my anxiety gets to a point where I look forward to not being alive anymore, too. I think having doubts about life goes hand in hand with carrying a great burden, especially an emotional one.

I had a realization the other day that everything that's bad that's ever landed in my lap, has turned out to be a good thing as part of the bigger picture. My depression and anxiety, for example, have pointed me along a spiritual path that has transformed my world. My drinking problem has taught me the difference between a personal flaw and a personal burden.

This test you have been given is huge. But I believe that working through it will bestow gifts on you in life that, when all is said and done, were worth the struggle. Of course, that doesn't make the test any less of an ordeal.

Rev

Dee74

like many others here, I've felt like you do, bipodrunk.
There was a time I couldn't remember feeling any different, and didn't expect I would ever not feel that way.

But there is another way to live - with help and support and a little work from you I know you can do - cos I did it.

Just take it a day at a time for now - investigate as many avenues of support as you can - and keep posting here

You're among friends

D

blackstrat6

Welcome to SR Bipo!! Glad your here.. I am a bipolar recovering alcoholic as well. I have been on meds for long time but they didn't help until I stopped drinking, that is essential! The best thing I can say is be completely honest with your doctor and he will be able to help. Trust me, he/she probably knows already and you are not the first they have seen with these issues, it just feels like it! Meeting really help me also, we have great meetings here in the chatroom and face to face meetings really help me as well..

You can do it! there are a lot of bp people here because self medication is soo common. Please keep us posted on your progress!

artsoul

stupid me..... I met bipodrunk. Sorry!

least

Welcome to the SR family! I'm bipolar too, and an alcoholic. Been sober for five months now and I notice my meds are working a lot better. I hope we can help you. There's a lot of support here. It's tremendous.

Hevyn

Welcome bipodrunk - it's wonderful you found us. For me, this place was a miracle. I had struggled all alone for many years, never having anyone to talk to about my addiction. There was no reason for me to numb myself, but I did it to handle any & every emotion I had. I was afraid to face life without a buffer, and in trying to make things easier for myself, I turned my life into chaos.

You are already armed with alot of knowledge about addictions, and that's probably helpful. It's important that you stop being ashamed and remorseful. A little of that is ok, but you must allow yourself to move past it. Guilt kept me drinking for years longer than I should have - I just couldn't face the shambles I'd made out of my life. It sounds like you are ready for a new day to dawn - one with hope and joy in it. You can do this!

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community.....

I guess around 1/3 of my AA home group
take various meds for their bi polar condition.

Sounds as tho you are ready for AA Step 1..

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol
that our lives had become unmanageable"

Keep sharing with us....we do understand


BB quote-1st Edition