It's all about you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Topeka, Ks
Posts: 7
It's all about you!
Living with an active alcoholic is the most difficult thing to tolerate and still live (I think) There are things the average person assumes about his or her day....that your spouse will be home for dinner, you know how much money you have in the bank, no one will have taken your car, no one will have pawned or stolen things from your home, your spouse will tell you the truth when you ask a question....
My boyfriend lies to me everyday, his lying has become such an itegral part of his personality that he will and does lie about anything, even small things that would be just as easy to tell the truth about.
He has stolen money from my checking account, stolen checks from the middle of my checkbook, pawned my possesions, cheated on me....
Catherine Knapp writes in her book, Drinking a Love Story...that alcohol was not involved when EVERY bad thing happened, but when Alcohol was involved bad things happend.
My boyfriend is a chaos creator, he drinks everyday sometimes just enough to be slightly sloppy and sleepy (which are good days) and other times until he is staggering and belligerant.
I want to make this about me and not the alcoholic so I want to tell you how it feels to be wth an alcoholic. It is the most hopeless lonely feeling I could ever describe. Somtimes I am afraid, (when he is raging) and I worry for my safety and the safety of my dear little pets. I worry that he will lash out at us.
It seems that nothing is about me anymore, my needs worries and desires have been completely eclipsed by his alcoholism. No one will ask me if I am sad or happy today, no one really cares anyway. Nothing is a given. I do not know if my boyfriend will be here for dinner or what condition he will be in when I see him. I am anxious and depressed everyday, I have a very hard time focussing on the things I need to do to better myself. I am currently unemployed (was a copywriter). I am constantly recovering from the events of the day before.
When he is sober he is delightful, charming bright..we enjoy many of the same hobbies and endevours.
In his opinion I make a big deal out of everything. He says he doesn't think the things that happen in our household are worthy of getting upset about and we should just move on.
He actually asked me a question that left me dumbfounded today (and that has not happened in a long while). I told him that being in the company of a staggering slurring sloppy drunk was disgusting. He asked me "why". I did not know what to say.
I think that for we who are witnessing and not drinking the most upsetting thing is the lack of normal we face everyday. Nothing can be taken for granted. It's like slipping and falling...brushing yourself off and thinking you will not fall again...only to fall again and make yet another vow that the last fall was the last time...and on and on and on.
If I were a truly magnanimous being I would be able to see him for the hurt child or the damaged soul he truly is all the time...but I am human as well....I have fears, and doubts, I am falable, and I have needs of my own..and when you are with an alcoholic your needs are never fullfiled.
I am as close to hopeless as I have ever been. My boyfriend says he cannot afford treatment. I myself do not know if AA or Al Anon would be helpful for us...he is opposed to AA...I tried Al Anon and hated it. He was in outpatient treatment this year....it did nothing. (probably because he did not want help). He is currently in lawschool and I would like to help him get himself together....but I do not know how to help someone who does not want my help. I do not see how it is possible to help someone against their will. As I said I am unemployed and without going to a shelter I have no where else to go.
I just do not understand the selfishness involved in alcoholism. If I thought my actions were hurting someone else I would stop...or try damn hard to everyday. The complacent attitude and ambivelance toward the hurtful things he has done to me make me want to shut down and withdraw from my life...I do not even want to get dressed most days. I am being eclipsed...soon I will not be here at all.
My boyfriend lies to me everyday, his lying has become such an itegral part of his personality that he will and does lie about anything, even small things that would be just as easy to tell the truth about.
He has stolen money from my checking account, stolen checks from the middle of my checkbook, pawned my possesions, cheated on me....
Catherine Knapp writes in her book, Drinking a Love Story...that alcohol was not involved when EVERY bad thing happened, but when Alcohol was involved bad things happend.
My boyfriend is a chaos creator, he drinks everyday sometimes just enough to be slightly sloppy and sleepy (which are good days) and other times until he is staggering and belligerant.
I want to make this about me and not the alcoholic so I want to tell you how it feels to be wth an alcoholic. It is the most hopeless lonely feeling I could ever describe. Somtimes I am afraid, (when he is raging) and I worry for my safety and the safety of my dear little pets. I worry that he will lash out at us.
It seems that nothing is about me anymore, my needs worries and desires have been completely eclipsed by his alcoholism. No one will ask me if I am sad or happy today, no one really cares anyway. Nothing is a given. I do not know if my boyfriend will be here for dinner or what condition he will be in when I see him. I am anxious and depressed everyday, I have a very hard time focussing on the things I need to do to better myself. I am currently unemployed (was a copywriter). I am constantly recovering from the events of the day before.
When he is sober he is delightful, charming bright..we enjoy many of the same hobbies and endevours.
In his opinion I make a big deal out of everything. He says he doesn't think the things that happen in our household are worthy of getting upset about and we should just move on.
He actually asked me a question that left me dumbfounded today (and that has not happened in a long while). I told him that being in the company of a staggering slurring sloppy drunk was disgusting. He asked me "why". I did not know what to say.
I think that for we who are witnessing and not drinking the most upsetting thing is the lack of normal we face everyday. Nothing can be taken for granted. It's like slipping and falling...brushing yourself off and thinking you will not fall again...only to fall again and make yet another vow that the last fall was the last time...and on and on and on.
If I were a truly magnanimous being I would be able to see him for the hurt child or the damaged soul he truly is all the time...but I am human as well....I have fears, and doubts, I am falable, and I have needs of my own..and when you are with an alcoholic your needs are never fullfiled.
I am as close to hopeless as I have ever been. My boyfriend says he cannot afford treatment. I myself do not know if AA or Al Anon would be helpful for us...he is opposed to AA...I tried Al Anon and hated it. He was in outpatient treatment this year....it did nothing. (probably because he did not want help). He is currently in lawschool and I would like to help him get himself together....but I do not know how to help someone who does not want my help. I do not see how it is possible to help someone against their will. As I said I am unemployed and without going to a shelter I have no where else to go.
I just do not understand the selfishness involved in alcoholism. If I thought my actions were hurting someone else I would stop...or try damn hard to everyday. The complacent attitude and ambivelance toward the hurtful things he has done to me make me want to shut down and withdraw from my life...I do not even want to get dressed most days. I am being eclipsed...soon I will not be here at all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Hi LeaA, so sorry to hear you're going through this.
I know how it feels to be where you are right now. I know it's hard. You had me nodding all the time while reading your post. You even had me laughing at the WHY question, only because quite a few times I've been asked similar questions by my AH. Really, how is normal person supposed to respond to it?
You had me worried by your last sentance. So I want to say this: It can get better. It can be better for you. There is always a way out. You have to start looking after youself. This is your precious life we are talking about. Can you get counselling for yourself?
Please, stick around this forum, and read other people stories, it's been a tremendous help for me.
And please remember: There is nothing you can do for him, but there is so much you can do for yourself.
Educate yourself on alcoholism, it sounds like you've figured few things allready, but now maybe it's time to educate yourself on what you can do for yourself.
You sound like a very smart and strong person, you are just at the bad place NOW. And NOW is ever changing category.
I wish you all the best and hope to see you here more working your way up to the better life.
I know how it feels to be where you are right now. I know it's hard. You had me nodding all the time while reading your post. You even had me laughing at the WHY question, only because quite a few times I've been asked similar questions by my AH. Really, how is normal person supposed to respond to it?
You had me worried by your last sentance. So I want to say this: It can get better. It can be better for you. There is always a way out. You have to start looking after youself. This is your precious life we are talking about. Can you get counselling for yourself?
Please, stick around this forum, and read other people stories, it's been a tremendous help for me.
And please remember: There is nothing you can do for him, but there is so much you can do for yourself.
Educate yourself on alcoholism, it sounds like you've figured few things allready, but now maybe it's time to educate yourself on what you can do for yourself.
You sound like a very smart and strong person, you are just at the bad place NOW. And NOW is ever changing category.
I wish you all the best and hope to see you here more working your way up to the better life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Welcome Lea,
I second what Sesh has said, that where you are today - emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually... in any aspect - does not have to be where you will be in the future.
You always have options and choices, but you must make decisions in your best interest and take an active, not passive, role in creating a life and a place where you want to be.
I hope you will find help and support here at SR.
CLMI
I second what Sesh has said, that where you are today - emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually... in any aspect - does not have to be where you will be in the future.
You always have options and choices, but you must make decisions in your best interest and take an active, not passive, role in creating a life and a place where you want to be.
I hope you will find help and support here at SR.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
You can take your life back and be you and not be eclipsed - if that is what you meant. I am 1 month out of asking Ah to leave and it is not easy but I can see light . You can play with your pets without fear of upsetting the A - you can do anything you damn well please. This is your life - it is precious - ENJOY!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
Hi Lea, you are not alone, and you are already doing something positive by joining SR and posting.
I can relate very much. Your post could be one of mine from last year. I married an alcoholic who, to this day, is in deep denial and I feel quite sure that he will never, ever stop using. He happens to be Australian and he insists that it is just a "cultural" thing! His moods change, he can't stop when he starts, and he has blackouts. Total alkie.
Anyway, for 2 years I kept a journal. I wrote in it a lot, to keep track of his insanity and to remind myself what I was living. Day after day I wrote things like "I cannot keep living like this" or "This is IT - I have had it!" but I was paralyzed. I couldn't move, or kick him out, or anything. The "good" times would occur and I would be in love. Then he'd get drunk and snarl at me and my stomach would churn and I would weep, alone in my car or in another room, or in the shower. I finally, finally asked him to move out and 2 months later, he finally did.
I hoped that by having him move out, he would miss me so much and maybe he would be shocked into sobriety or something. Nah, he just started buying pot, now that I was no longer there to get on his back. Oh and he started smoking cigarettes again too. Escaped into vices. And I started going to Al Anon and I read the books and learned that his disease was my disease. His disease had crept in and grabbed hold of sweet little me. I thought of me as a kid, or in high school, or many other points in my life, and I thought "How the hell have I let this alcoholic man, manage to tangle me into his chaos so deeply, that I no longer am even recognizable to myself anymore?!"
I know you said you tried Al Anon and hated it. Why? Were the people annoying? Is there another group you could try? At least try reading up on it...even "Codependent No More" is so good. I really saw how I was squashing my own soul, via staying with this sick individual. And for what? ! He wasn't about to change. He wasn't even trying to attempt to change. Loser!
Al Anon helped me. I was divorced last September and have been working on myself ever since. My life is so much better than it was. My family said that I was even acting more like my old self. I didn't even realize that I wasn't. I was beaten down, tired, depressed, and felt hopeless, for two years with that alcoholic man.
It isn't easy. I know that. I did all the insane things like text, call, cry, weep, even drive over and check in on his apartment to see if there were other cars there. Even when I was the one who chucked him! I was still in my coependent disease. Not really sane.
I hope that you can try some way to get free. Some other place to live. And if you can't right now, I hope that you can at least get some books to read and maybe join a Coda or an Al Anon - maybe you would meet a friend who has "been there."
All my best hopes and wishes for your recovery - you are worth it - you can break free of his insanity and you can have a new lease on life!!
Love,
Soph
I can relate very much. Your post could be one of mine from last year. I married an alcoholic who, to this day, is in deep denial and I feel quite sure that he will never, ever stop using. He happens to be Australian and he insists that it is just a "cultural" thing! His moods change, he can't stop when he starts, and he has blackouts. Total alkie.
Anyway, for 2 years I kept a journal. I wrote in it a lot, to keep track of his insanity and to remind myself what I was living. Day after day I wrote things like "I cannot keep living like this" or "This is IT - I have had it!" but I was paralyzed. I couldn't move, or kick him out, or anything. The "good" times would occur and I would be in love. Then he'd get drunk and snarl at me and my stomach would churn and I would weep, alone in my car or in another room, or in the shower. I finally, finally asked him to move out and 2 months later, he finally did.
I hoped that by having him move out, he would miss me so much and maybe he would be shocked into sobriety or something. Nah, he just started buying pot, now that I was no longer there to get on his back. Oh and he started smoking cigarettes again too. Escaped into vices. And I started going to Al Anon and I read the books and learned that his disease was my disease. His disease had crept in and grabbed hold of sweet little me. I thought of me as a kid, or in high school, or many other points in my life, and I thought "How the hell have I let this alcoholic man, manage to tangle me into his chaos so deeply, that I no longer am even recognizable to myself anymore?!"
I know you said you tried Al Anon and hated it. Why? Were the people annoying? Is there another group you could try? At least try reading up on it...even "Codependent No More" is so good. I really saw how I was squashing my own soul, via staying with this sick individual. And for what? ! He wasn't about to change. He wasn't even trying to attempt to change. Loser!
Al Anon helped me. I was divorced last September and have been working on myself ever since. My life is so much better than it was. My family said that I was even acting more like my old self. I didn't even realize that I wasn't. I was beaten down, tired, depressed, and felt hopeless, for two years with that alcoholic man.
It isn't easy. I know that. I did all the insane things like text, call, cry, weep, even drive over and check in on his apartment to see if there were other cars there. Even when I was the one who chucked him! I was still in my coependent disease. Not really sane.
I hope that you can try some way to get free. Some other place to live. And if you can't right now, I hope that you can at least get some books to read and maybe join a Coda or an Al Anon - maybe you would meet a friend who has "been there."
All my best hopes and wishes for your recovery - you are worth it - you can break free of his insanity and you can have a new lease on life!!
Love,
Soph
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Treatment for alcoholism is free. There is no other affliction with more available resources for getting help than alcoholism. He's lying.
I was exactly where you are, when I finally got up and left. It was either that or lose myself completely - and the guilt of allowing him to abuse my child finally overcame my paralysis.
You can do it too. I promise.
I just do not understand the selfishness involved in alcoholism. If I thought my actions were hurting someone else I would stop...or try damn hard to everyday. The complacent attitude and ambivelance toward the hurtful things he has done to me make me want to shut down and withdraw from my life...I do not even want to get dressed most days. I am being eclipsed...soon I will not be here at all.
You can do it too. I promise.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
(((LeaA))) - Hugs!
Wow, I could have written this a few months ago.
What I think is scary is that after a while this dysfunctional life becomes normal. For me, I knew it wasn't healthy, but I had forgotten what it felt like to have a normal life. I've been staying with a friend for a little over a month now and it's amazing to me that I'm just now starting to realize how dysfunctional my life had become. I was in constant fight or flight mode - 24/7! Towards the end I would come home and go straight to the bedroom if AH was home/ drinking and lock myself in the room for the rest of the night. Now I come home and my friend and I talk and we ask each other about our day - it shows me how little AH really cared (he never really seemed interested in how my day was - he asked sometimes to be polite but not because he really wanted to listen to me). I now come home to a peaceful place and I'm starting to feel safe and can truly relax.
Counseling helped me sooo much - it helped me focus on myself and think about my own needs and it helped me get bits and pieces of myself back and grow stronger! There might be counselors in your area that offer free service or only charge a minimal fee - maybe a local women's center or a university counseling center? I know it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes (especially if you're in the midst of a depression), but it does get better and there is help out there for you!!!
Hope you will continue posting here! Hugs.
Wow, I could have written this a few months ago.
What I think is scary is that after a while this dysfunctional life becomes normal. For me, I knew it wasn't healthy, but I had forgotten what it felt like to have a normal life. I've been staying with a friend for a little over a month now and it's amazing to me that I'm just now starting to realize how dysfunctional my life had become. I was in constant fight or flight mode - 24/7! Towards the end I would come home and go straight to the bedroom if AH was home/ drinking and lock myself in the room for the rest of the night. Now I come home and my friend and I talk and we ask each other about our day - it shows me how little AH really cared (he never really seemed interested in how my day was - he asked sometimes to be polite but not because he really wanted to listen to me). I now come home to a peaceful place and I'm starting to feel safe and can truly relax.
Counseling helped me sooo much - it helped me focus on myself and think about my own needs and it helped me get bits and pieces of myself back and grow stronger! There might be counselors in your area that offer free service or only charge a minimal fee - maybe a local women's center or a university counseling center? I know it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes (especially if you're in the midst of a depression), but it does get better and there is help out there for you!!!
Hope you will continue posting here! Hugs.
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