Krys

I know I am probably not alone in this, I think I mostly just ranting. Sometimes it is so hard to focus on what is going on right in front of me when I think about what it was like before drugs. Just wishing I could go back in time...not helpful I know, but there it is.

Jenny1232

I'm sorry you're having a rough day. They come and go. Is there anything you can do that will make you smile! Can you reach out to an old friend that you haven't spoken to in a while? Take a walk outside on this gorgeous day (well, gorgeous here in VA).

I don't know too much about your situation.. but it will pass. Hugs to you!

aasharon90

Going back in time id like to have
the wisdom and knowledge that
ive acquired over the yrs.

Looking back has been stepping
stones to get me where I am today.

Everything that has happened to
me hasnt happened by mistake.


Ive had to remember in recovery
that yesterday is gone, tomorrow
has arrived, so all i have is today.

It keeps me from feeling sorry for
myself and getting anxious for what
may or may not lie ahead.

Pity pots is what i hear often from
others in meetings. Ive sat on them
a many a times. Today i inch towards
them but can use my program to help
avoid long sits on them.

Getting out of myself and focusing
on another or something else.

Seeing that my problems arent as big
as i thought they were in comparison
to others with huge ones makes me
get into gratefulness.

There r situation that r far worse than
ours as i came to see.

Today is a lovely day and being sober
makes it even more awesome.

Time heals one step at a time.

Krys

thanks guys. I think I just need to mourn the life I thought we had and the future I had planned out. Not to say I am giving up, but the life we were living was not all I thought it was and thats really hard to come to terms with. He has been struggling all along and I did not know it. It sucks. Every time I see a photo of us (which are everywhere) I burst into tears. That happy couple does not exist right now, and the smiling guy in the photo is obviously struggling and suffering right now. The future we were planning now includes an addiction that can ruin everything at any given moment and will crush us both in the process. He does not deserve this any more than I do and it hurts to see him struggle. It also hurts that he knows that I am questioning our future. The video we made at xmas (the one I referred to yesterday) was a joke that we made for our friends and family. It included a bracelet he had hidden in the tree and me acting pissed that it was "Not a ring!!" it was very funny. He said "If I proposed right now you would say no. Back then you would have said yes." He was obviously sad, and although I know it is his addiction that is responsible, not me, I cannot help but feel awful. We are not breaking up, I am not leaving yet, so why does it feel like someone died?

Krys

Thank you AASharon, I think I will print that and carry it in my wallet.

hello-kitty

One day at a time has a HUGE advantage. I've made it through the last 5 years that way, and I can honestly say that no matter how hard things get or how down I get, it sure beats living any other way.

If you want something to mourn google "Children of the Dump in Nicarauga" or "La Chureca". That always perks me up real quick - when I realize how petty my problems are and how I just need to be grateful for everything - even my pain and difficulties.

In fact, when I'm depressed or bummed or rolling in self-pity because of the choices I have made in my life, It cues me that it's time for me to work on my gratitude list.

PS> Feel better soon. The difference between a good day and a bad day is 24-48 hours.

Jenny1232

I LOVE your posts anvilhead. I wish I could just GET inside your head and think those marvelous thoughts myself!

Krys

LOL, I love that little run for the hills guy! Thanks for the great advice, as always I have much to learn here. I guess a pity party once in a while can't hurt, but man this was a tough one to come out of. Didn't help that when I walked into the house it reeked like weed. I said "So I take it the weed is here?" and he said "Why do you have to ask me stuff like that?" To which I replied "I dunno maybe because the whole house and all my stuff stinks. I figured it was an elephant in the room and chose not to ignore it is all." Sounds sarcastic I know, but the good news is when my sarcasm comes back it means I am feeling better. :-) A me without sarcasm is just not me at all...and not a person I like!