Trying not to get sucked in

Old 05-07-2010, 06:45 AM
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Trying not to get sucked in

Today I thought about something. And its about my own character defect really. My AH, alghough I love him and pray for his recovery and then reconciliation, has been corresponding with me on email. I am living my life and he commented how happy I seemed the other day. Sad at times but happy. I intend to go no contact but he has to drop something off this weekend But I have so much to do this weekend and he usually tells me last min when he is coming. So I sent him a simple message saying you can drop off and leave it in the garage as I wont be around this weekend. For the first time he didnt respond.
I have to admit it made me feel better realizing he was wondering and thinking there may be someone else or wondering what I am up too. This is called being in his head and I know better. But I had to look at my own reaction to this. I was happy to give him some pain back. I was happy he cared. This is something I need to work on. I dont want to think about what he is thinking about me. Its none of my business and I have a life to lead.
I wanted to post this here because this is almost like my journal and I know folks understand.
Last night I was telling my friend how I dont know how I got sucked into being the submissive one to him like I did something wrong. I mean I know I did things wrong but I didnt ruin our life. Its just weird how someone can know how to manipulate you so well that they change your thinking. And its even scarier that I allowed it.

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Lulu
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Old 05-07-2010, 06:50 AM
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hugs to you, Lulu. You are so introspective and insightful to be so fresh from the chaos. I am really impressed with your clarity.
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Old 05-07-2010, 09:47 AM
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The best thing about my experience with detachment and no contact was my A, for the most part, began mirroring my behaviour after awhile. They give up after awhile.
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Old 05-07-2010, 10:50 AM
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Oh Lulu, you bring me back to the first time I struck out to do my own thing.

I had planned to go see a movie by myself. Something I had done for years before I met XABF but hadn't done for so long. I knew it would occupy my mind and I would enjoy the mental escape of it. I love movies. I also figured it would be less of an impact when it occurred to my XABF where I had gone then say, out to a club or something.

I went so far as to leave a note telling him I was out and when I expected to be back should he actually get home drunk earlier than usual. I didn't say where I had gone but figured he'd search the computer and find I had looked up movie times. I saw it that I wasn't hiding, just not spoon feeding him information.

As I exited the movie theater I heard a voice mail from my XABF. I could tell from his voice and the way he used my name and not sweetie or honey that he was livid. He told me how he had figured out where I was and that he hoped I had a good time without him yada yada yada, I didn't hear the rest because I deleted the message.

I drove home that night with a stew pot of emotions. I was afraid he would be in a rage when I got home, and I was concerned he would retaliate in some way. Understandable in our relationship. I was also exhilirated with the freedom I felt in taking back my life even a small bit. BUT there was also this evil pleasure I took from angering him. I made him go searching after me. I made him annoyed because he was waiting home for me not the other way around. I finally had some kind of effect on him after years of trying to change him and getting no where.

Like you, I came here that night and grounded myself in reality. The fear I had was real and needed to be addressed and the thrill of my focus on me was also healthy and needed care and feeding to grow into big time recovery. BUT still trying to have an affect on him, control him, and (as you put it) get in his head had to go.

I see where you're coming from. It's great recovery work!!! Bravo!!!

Alice
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Old 05-07-2010, 01:44 PM
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Wow...is this how it feels to be free and let go and focus on yourself? Feels like I am on vacation!!
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Old 05-07-2010, 02:46 PM
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Feels like I am on vacation!!

You bet it does!

All the ego stroking, all those eggshells to walk on and walk around, all that dancing around the drunk who swears their not drunk, but we know their drunk...it's madness and it takes an insane amount of energy and stamina to maintain it. It's a never ending biathalon. It's soul sucking and spirit wasting all at the same time.

It has been a blessing to me to learn that the more consistent my focus is on my own health and the more I detach from toxic behavior (addict or otherwise) without needing to get in someone else's head at all about it, the lighter, more free, and energized I feel.

It really is like going on peaceful vacation from the most demanding job you could ever have.

You can find me in my deck chair eyeing the surfer boys from behind my sunglasses. Heehee.

Could someone pass me some sunscreen lotion, we Irish girls tend to burn

Alice
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Old 05-07-2010, 03:15 PM
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Great job of looking at yourself and his behavior.

I catch myself all the time extricating myself from the manipulation. Sometimes it is easy and sometimes not.
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Old 05-07-2010, 03:19 PM
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice View Post
Feels like I am on vacation!!

You bet it does!

All the ego stroking, all those eggshells to walk on and walk around, all that dancing around the drunk who swears their not drunk, but we know their drunk...it's madness and it takes an insane amount of energy and stamina to maintain it. It's a never ending biathalon. It's soul sucking and spirit wasting all at the same time.

It has been a blessing to me to learn that the more consistent my focus is on my own health and the more I detach from toxic behavior (addict or otherwise) without needing to get in someone else's head at all about it, the lighter, more free, and energized I feel.

It really is like going on peaceful vacation from the most demanding job you could ever have.

You can find me in my deck chair eyeing the surfer boys from behind my sunglasses. Heehee.

Could someone pass me some sunscreen lotion, we Irish girls tend to burn

Alice
Us Polish girls burn too!!! Loved your post. Thanks so much. Hugs
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Old 05-07-2010, 07:03 PM
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I'm the "A" in the family. It sounds like the non alchohollic partner in the "relationship" plays a game to make the recovery or "A" go through some kind of pain? I'm sober 8 months and it seems that is what my wife is doing. I have tried to acknowledge her precense to get no reaction. So I guess this is the "game",

Question, one of the posts here say the "A" finally gave in, what does giving in mean? Can you give me a hint on the game, because I only play sports games, not mind games.
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Old 05-07-2010, 07:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Catkill23 View Post
I'm the "A" in the family. It sounds like the non alchohollic partner in the "relationship" plays a game to make the recovery or "A" go through some kind of pain? I'm sober 8 months and it seems that is what my wife is doing. I have tried to acknowledge her precense to get no reaction. So I guess this is the "game",

Question, one of the posts here say the "A" finally gave in, what does giving in mean? Can you give me a hint on the game, because I only play sports games, not mind games.
I was going to respond to this and had a whole post but really what you perceive is your own. I think I wont engage but sorry this is how you took it. I hope your wife turns around for you. I am only trying to protect myself if you want to know why I did some of the things I did.

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Lulu
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Old 05-07-2010, 08:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Kassie2 View Post
I catch myself all the time extricating myself from the manipulation. Sometimes it is easy and sometimes not.

the internet makes it harder i think.

twitter, facebook etc. at least that's my experience recently
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Old 05-07-2010, 08:25 PM
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the internet makes it harder i think.

twitter, facebook etc. at least that's my experience recently


Yes and Yes! I was actually triggered this morning. My XA has me blocked, which I should be grateful for, but he has now popped out of the woodwork again and I noticed he left a comment under a mutual friends page who I talk to all of the time...the only way I know is because his name was referred to in the response.
It was a major trigger. And all my own doing. My mind just started to work overtime. Even seeing his name typed out made me cry.
I'm so used to his manipulations that I couldn't help but start reading into the meaning of him starting to communicate with people I know.... I just kept thinking he just still wants to hurt me! May not even be the case at all.

So now instead of reacting, I just want to disappear from facebook again... he can have it all. Gonna lay low for a while and get back to me.
It's amazing how dealing with crazy making behavior, will cause you to go into crazy making thought even when you are away from it.

Where is my private island with my personal cabana boy to give me a back massage and tropical drink!?
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Old 05-07-2010, 08:58 PM
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Catkill,

I think you're missing the meaning of the OP's post. This is about her examining her emotions and motives around getting inside her husband's head and playing the games you reference.

She is looking to end those behaviors but to do so, she has to aknowledge them and own up to them. That's acceptance and taking one's own inventory. She is here to seek understanding from those who have felt those feelings not hear anamosity or repremand for it.

Your wife may be having these same feelings but has not accepted her role in your addict/partner relationship. Your recovery is about you and how you intend to continue your path of sobriety whether she changes or not.

I learned in time to let these feelings go and to stop stiring things up for my XABF's to get a rise out of him. We are here to learn that as part of recovery and Lulu is exploring that lesson here.

Best to you in your continued sobriety.

Alice
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Old 05-07-2010, 09:34 PM
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Originally Posted by lulu1974 View Post
Last night I was telling my friend how I dont know how I got sucked into being the submissive one to him like I did something wrong. I mean I know I did things wrong but....
because you always wanted to please him?

because you were afraid of angering him - he would withdraw his "love" for you?

because you learned how important it is to not make waves?

because your need to be loved trumps all else?
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