Does 'your' A tries to make you responsible for him/her

Old 05-07-2010, 06:14 AM
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Does 'your' A tries to make you responsible for him/her

I've started to notice that my AH is always trying to get me to fix things for him and I was wondering if this is something other people have experienced. Apart from when he is having technical problems at work if he has a problem he calls me.

Just this morning he cycled into work for the first time. For the last week he has been messing about with the bike, raising the saddle and handlebars, checking the battery (it's an electric bike), testing it out. I've been helping him with it as I'm the more mechanical of us but after a while he was fiddling with it too much so I decided to let him to it. Half way to work the saddle fell off. Did he slot it back in place and get the spanner from the bike kit to tighten the bolts? No, he pulled over and phoned me. I mean seriously, what sort of magic did he think I have access to that I could reach through the bloody phone and fix the saddle.

Another example is last week when I got something from his bag one night I noticed he had a days medication in there. I asked was it a spare day's worth and he said actually he'd forgotten to take his pills that day. When I told him he needed to prioritise taking his tablets he told me it was my fault as I didn't ring him each time he was due to take them. I just laughed at him and told him I wasn't getting involved in such obvious codie behaviour. He's a grown man and can govern his own tablet taking. He looked really crestfallen.

The other recent event that springs to mind was 3 weeks ago while I was in the middle of moving house and he was in rehab he called me to say his dentist had changed his appointment. He was upset because that meant he couldn't have his broken tooth pulled before we moved so would have to find a new dentist and it was too stressful to him as he hates dentists. I eventually had to ask him what the hell he thought I could do about it and to sort it out himself.

I'm actually getting really weirded out by this behaviour. I have no problem with helping him out in some things, doing jobs together, having him help me with things. We all have our strengths and it's normal for married people to rely on each other at times. But he seems to be trying to shift responsibility for a huge amount of his life onto me. Worst of all I can't honestly remember if I've been doing this for him for years or if this is new behaviour from him. Maybe a bit of both. But either way I really need to make him realise he can't shift his responsibility this way.
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Old 05-07-2010, 06:59 AM
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Yes. Definately yes. It didn't do either of us any good - as a matter of fact it did a bucket of harm to both of us.

It was so co-dependent and led to so many negative feelings for me and negative interactions in our relationship.

I guess I can't speak for him but how terrible it must feel to be a grown adult and think one must depend on someone else for every small thing - so powerless. I can't even imagine. I feel a little sick thinking I enabled that.

That entire interaction is one of the deadliest parts of the co-dependent dance I think.
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Old 05-07-2010, 07:21 AM
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I'm actually relieved it's not just my A. I heard a lot about non-A partners who try to take control and fix their partners but not about A's who try really hard to hand that control over to their partners who don't want it.

The thing is that he works in a high pressure job. He has lots of tight deadlines and needs to be artistically and technically on top of things while handling big egos and their unreasonable demands. (He works in tv/film). And he's very successful and capable at what he does. He handles all that pressure and succeeds at it. He works in an industry that very few people have any success at all at and he is well regarded.

I just can't believe that someone so capable in such a tough arena thinks that the best thing to do when the saddle falls of his bike is to call his wife. It's just utterly unbelievable.
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Old 05-07-2010, 07:37 AM
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Oh most definitely! My XABF told me I was responsible for his bad behavior, because I should have KNOW BETTER than to take him out on NYE. I should have known HE couldn't handle it, so it was all my fault I didn't take responsibility for his actions!

How lame. I sure don't miss that!
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Old 05-07-2010, 08:25 AM
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"Yours" isn't the only one: I was responsible for everything and it was all my fault. Even when it was a joking voice, it was at least 50% serious.
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Old 05-07-2010, 09:16 AM
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There are many relationships where one party is the adult and the other one is the child. That dynamic is not specific to A's. It is a dynamic that evolves over time if you let it.

Your AH probably didn't just start wanting you to help him, right? If you have historically done things for him, then that is what he is used to. You both created that dynamic. Are you just noticing now?

If either of you changes, then the dynamic changes.
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Old 05-07-2010, 09:35 AM
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Yep. I went to work everyday, came home, cooked, helped out with as much cleaning etc as possible, and all mine did was laundry, sit on the couch, and surf the 'net. Then baby came......

The best thing I did was leave, now she has to be self sufficient.
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Old 05-07-2010, 09:39 AM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
There are many relationships where one party is the adult and the other one is the child. That dynamic is not specific to A's. It is a dynamic that evolves over time if you let it.

Your AH probably didn't just start wanting you to help him, right? If you have historically done things for him, then that is what he is used to. You both created that dynamic. Are you just noticing now?

If either of you changes, then the dynamic changes.
You're right.

Kind of like going no contact. Once you do that, your A will start reacting to your behaviour, rather than you reacted to your A all the time. It changes the dynamic of the codependent relationship.

Except the A's reactions can become downright sadistic.
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Old 05-07-2010, 10:17 AM
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I have the same dynamics in my home, but I have to be fair and say I'm the one who created it. As I have this idea I know everything the best, and there is no way about it. So poor guy had to learn whatever he does is going to be somehow wrong.
And to think of it my mum is the same.

WOW I've only realized this now. And it's not pretty at all. Ouch!
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Old 05-07-2010, 04:43 PM
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Yes. Sesh, I had a similar revelation last year. We teach people how to treat us.
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Old 05-07-2010, 05:11 PM
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One of the last things my XA said to me was "We were friends and YOU ruined it".

Yep...everything was all my fault. I guess I even caused him to fly his gf out to see him and then lie to me about it. I'm surprised i'm not at fault for the all of the natural disasters.
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Old 05-08-2010, 05:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Kittyboo View Post
One of the last things my XA said to me was "We were friends and YOU ruined it".

Yep...everything was all my fault. I guess I even caused him to fly his gf out to see him and then lie to me about it. I'm surprised i'm not at fault for the all of the natural disasters.
LMAO what a schmuck.

Yeah, mine blamed me only this week for ruining everything.
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Old 05-08-2010, 06:20 AM
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OMG! The other day my AH mentioned a problem they were having with their upload line at work and I thought I'd talk to my brother about it as he works with broadband. Today while we were walking with the dogs AH mentioned something about the problem again and I was just about to say that I'd ask my brother about the alternatives when it hit me.

He has a problem in his professional life, he has his own experience, colleagues, bosses and a production management crew who can also see there is a problem and are paid to deal with it. Yet my first instinct was to see if I could fix it for him. I actually burst out laughing when I realised what I was doing. Then I just said 'I'm sure production can handle it' and changed the subject.

Thanks everyone here as if I hadn't had this thread I'd probably be on the phone to my brother now.
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Old 05-08-2010, 06:40 AM
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i don't know how many times the saying i learned here: "don't do for them what they can do themselves" stopped me in my tracks and gave me the objectivity to step back.
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Old 05-16-2010, 08:10 AM
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My sister has spent her entire adult life (25yrs) allowing people to do everything for her. Her ex-husband was the ultimate enabler and my sister was happily along for the ride until a year ago when the ex finally got a clue and told her he didn't love her anymore, was tired of doing it all and wanted a divorce. I can't tell you how many times my sister has started a conversation with "He always took care of..." I remind her every time that he isn't around anymore and no one else is going to do it for you! My sister won't even check her mail unless someone reminds her...pathetic!
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Old 05-17-2010, 04:35 PM
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Sober RABF is super capable, doing everything for himself, and lots for me and others in this complex....BUT....when in drinking mode....his brain and all ability, other than pouring a beer,....hibernates, just freezes up and he is as useless as teats on a wooden bull.

I have had phone calls from 1000 miles away, asking me "where he was and how to get back to where he was staying?" Overseas and same thing, or some other stupid problem caused by maximum of beer and minimum of brain.....WTF I was expected to do about these things, Heaven only knows....I didn't.

My replies of "don't know, haven't a clue, ask somebody who is there, find a cop", often received a blast of accusation as to me being "unhelpful" or not caring....blah blah.

I may have worried about his safety and health after 1 or more of these dumbo calls, but didn't go nuts or call out the army to find him...I figured he got where he was and could find his own way back somehow. He always did.

God bless
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