Notices

New and in need of insight

Old 05-07-2010, 06:02 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 3
Unhappy New and in need of insight

Hi all, I'm new to this site. I need advice and was hoping I could find some here...
Here's my deal. I'm in my mid 40's, mother of 2 young ones, unhappily married, working over 50 hours a week. I do nothing recreational or for entertainment - I see my one friend perhaps twice a year. My life is about work at work and work at home (cleaning/cooking/etc).
I fell into a bad habit of drinking a bottle of wine a night a long time ago. I drink even when I don't want to. It's not the taste of the alcohol, but after much thinking this is what I believe.
I drink because from the time I get hom from work to the time it's time for bed (4 hours) unless I simply do chores there is nothing else for me to do that I want to do. Too tired to exercise, I don't watch TV, I don't have hobbies,...so I drink because I know that the drinking does this for me:

1 - makes time go by
2 - calms my anxieties
3 - numbs my feelings so I can continue just working (doing chores)

But equally as important I hate the drinking because iT MAKES ME GAIN WEIGHT! And I am a weight control freak about myself. The second that waist line is detectably getting tight....that's it, my day is totally ruined no matter what.

So, I think it's the habit I need to focus on. Replace it. I don't mind going to a substance abuse counselor but my insurance has a high deductible before they'll help pay for services.

I'd like to find a support group but no luck on the internet.

I can't talk to my husband about it because he doesn't drink at all, is very judgmental, and given the fact that we are pretty "uninvolved" in each other's life I don't feel safe talking to him about something so personal and upsetting to me.

Any thoughts? I hate that my life has become like this, I have a lot of great things in my life (namely my children and a career I really enjoy), but I hate that I feel like I need/have to drink when ever I am home.
jadebaringer is offline  
Old 05-07-2010, 06:16 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Persevere, Never give up!
 
Starburst's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Hi, welcome to SR, you will find plenty of support and advice here. I am not sure how to react to what you say, it sounds to me as if you need to find some type of hobby that you are passionate about, just don't buy the wine, maybe try a different new non alcoholic beverage that appeals to you or make new funveggie/fruit smoothies. Your children really need you right now, try to be more involved with them. I am also mid 40 and have two pre teens, but i am unable to find work, so I have many, many hours that are empty. Perhaps you can get addicted to posting and spending time with us on this site and change your focus. Please keep posting and let us know how you doing. Hugs
Starburst is offline  
Old 05-07-2010, 08:56 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Heathen
 
smacked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I think there are some online AA groups..
smacked is offline  
Old 05-07-2010, 09:04 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
SR Fan
 
artsoul's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I'd like to find a support group but no luck on the internet.
Well, look no further! This place is my lifeline right now and I'm so glad you found us! There's a ton of support here!

I could have written your story. From the boredom and discontent to the bottle of wine every day (or beer, when I was trying to get off the wine). It was my only escape, my only reward, my cure for insomnia, my entertainment, my medicine for anxiety, etc..... The problem is that (as I am finding out now) alot of the feelings/anxieties were actually created or fueled by alcohol. So I was "fixing" the problem with the problem. Of course, my attempts to stop/control it, got more desperate as time went on. Now I now it's impossible to have any hope at all as long as I continue to take that first drink.

Hang out here as much as you can. Come over and join the Class of May 2010. We're all new there and dealing with the same stuff. Hang in there -- you can do it too!
artsoul is offline  
Old 05-07-2010, 10:32 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Adjusting my Sails
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
Hi Jade. Real simple insight here. You mention your a weight control freak. Your reasons for drinking, like mine are also about control. You use it to control time (make it go faster) anxiety (calm it down) and feelings (numb them). For many of us alcohol is a about controlling our moods or feelings until the day comes when we start losing control.

Staying in an unhappy marriage and working long hours as well as doing the house cleaning all yourself are other signs of control issues. For me, control issues stem from an inability to trust.

Willingness to learn acceptance, letting go and trust may be a direction for you to look and as Smacked said, I'm sure there are AA meetings in your area. Lots of people waiting to be your friend at those meetings.

Your in the prime of your life, time to start enjoying it.
Dean62 is offline  
Old 05-07-2010, 04:37 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
Hi jadebaringer


So many of us fell into that trap of using booze to pas the time, or unwind, or stop being bored...and then so many of us crossed that line into alcoholism.

Obviously like I was, you're clearly unhappy in some areas of your life.

The thing I found is nothing changed until I made it change.
I needed to look at my life holistically and work out what was going on.

I needed to think about some changes to my life - stopping drinking being a primary one, but not just that.

I also needed to let go a bit, and reach out.

That counsellor may be a good start for you...and maybe checking out a recovery group like AA or some other would be a better use of that down time?

I know you'll find a lot of support and ideas here.
Welcome
D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 05-07-2010, 04:52 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,328
Hi Jade,

Welcome and I'm glad you want to stop drinking.

I was caught up in the work at work/work at home thing too. By the time my kids were teenagers, I had completely, totally lost myself. I did nothing for me and honestly believed that I should always sacrifice for my family. What I didn't get, was that I would burn out, would run myself into the ground. And, I did, and I became depressed, anxious and had insomnia. I began using alcohol to help me relax in the evening and sleep. Before I knew it, I was hooked and my drinking turned into a horrible habit that almost cost me my family.

I wish I had known the importance of taking care of me, so that I had renewed energy to take care of my family.
Anna is online now  
Old 05-07-2010, 05:32 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,671
Your general health will improve if you stop drinking. Your body and mind will relearn how to function normally. It's so nice to never feel numb or sick or both. Your life doesn't sound too happy, but drinking can only make things worse. As far as counseling, I go to one and it's a big help in staying sober and being able to live life on life's terms.

Have you given any thought to trying some AA meetings? Might be a good place to start. The people there have been thru hell due to drinking and they understand how you feel. Give it a good try, can't hurt.

Welcome to SR! I hope we can help you with information and support.
least is offline  
Old 05-07-2010, 06:19 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,411
Welcome Jade! This is a great place that helped me get sober after a lifetime of drinking. I hope you'll stay awhile and continue to talk about your concerns.

As you said, your life is not happy right now - and you probably realize getting numb every evening is just keeping you on hold. Nothing will improve until you start making plans to reach for a better life. When I joined SR it was comforting to find so many people who understood me like no one else in my life did. I hope you will find some answers here.
Hevyn is offline  
Old 05-10-2010, 07:23 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 3
Thank you all. I need your insight. Dean, you particularly point out some things I hadn't really considered - control issues. As I read your post I realize I am quite the control freak about my behavior....I am absolutely mortified if I say something embarassing, or something that can make anyone thing less of me. I am so careful when I drink to not talk much (lest people hear me slur) or talk too much (lest I get "mushy") and if by chance I do I suffer horrible guilt and shame on myself for at least 2 days.
I need to find something to replace this habit. I don't want my children seeing me drink every night. What role model am I? They are still young, in elementary school.
I tiried talking to my husband about it last night. He is a good man, with a good heart but he doesn't have a clue on how to talk to me or comfort me. He is very uninvolved in my life.
AA on line? I can look it up.
What makes (made) any of you finally stop drinking? Why isn't just the strong desire simply enough? WHy do I drink even when I don't want to?
Tonight I didn't drink. It was ok. I've been so upset about it and drank a bottle each night for the past 6 nights. I was fine not drinking tonight. But tomorrow, it'll be different. I'll probably start thinking about it around 5:00 pm. I might even make it home with out stopping to get wine. But there is a good chance that no sooner will I make it home then I will find an excuse to go to the grocery store - my children in tote - to buy a bottle.
I hate this.
jadebaringer is offline  
Old 05-10-2010, 07:25 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 3
1
jadebaringer is offline  
Old 05-10-2010, 08:13 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
What makes (made) any of you finally stop drinking? Why isn't just the strong desire simply enough? WHy do I drink even when I don't want to?
I stopped because it was killing me - literally.

I wanted to stop before that of course, but when push came to shove it was always easier to drink than it was not to.

What made the difference for me Jade was not willpower, or strength of desire, but acceptance - I finally accepted I could not drink like others and never would.

I accepted that drinking would always take me back to that dark, despairing frustrating place.

It took me 20 years to get to that realisation - but once I fully accepted that, I was able to start to move forward

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 05-10-2010, 09:52 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
SR Fan
 
artsoul's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Jade - I have to agree with Dee. It's about acceptance, finally coming to accept and KNOW that if I start drinking again, I'll just want to keep drinking. If I drink a bottle one night and swear to stop tomorrow, I'd still want another bottle the next night. Addiction means doing something even when you don't want to. The further away I get from the last drink, the clearer the insanity becomes.

I'm glad you're here and I'm pulling for you!!
artsoul is offline  
Old 05-10-2010, 09:59 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Scars,Souvineers we never lose
 
Dream2bClean's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 325
"I'd like to find a support group but no luck on the internet."

We'll you just found it, I used SR about 6 years ago and floundered around my life and addiction sice until it excalated to a very horrible place. I am now back and am extremely thrilled, by all of the love and support I see here in every post, all of the loving and sincere responses I get to my posts, the loving and sincere responses I see to otheras posts in their times of need.

SR is THE PLACE TO BE for addicts that want to quite, that have quite, are thinnking of quitting, just want o dream about quitting. There is so much to learn from this site which I am pretty sure you are probably reading and learning right now, or at least I hope.

Just stick around, read, and do not be scared to post, you will NOT be JUDGED here like anywhere I have ever experienced, even like at just about all time in life.

YOU ARE SAFE TO REACH OUT HERE!!!! We are here for you!!!!!
<3 Dreams (that you will join us and love it as much as I do!)
Dream2bClean is offline  
Old 05-11-2010, 04:02 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Norther's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: New Hampshire, USA
Posts: 224
Drinking doesn't mitigate problems, as we think when we drink; it either causes or exacerbates them. Drinking causes fear and anxiety. Then we drink to make them go away, which causes more fear and anxiety. The fear and anxiety makes more people stop than dui's or job loss or jail, I'd bet. If all this sounds familiar, maybe you know what to do. For me, stopping drinking broke the cycle: far less fear, far less anxiety; and I look forward to even more positive benefits as well. All this after a mere week of not drinking.
Norther is offline  
Old 05-11-2010, 04:28 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
vegibean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Hi jade!! Your life reminds me of what mine was like and then it got worse. While I was married I started going to AA meetings and I found tons of support there. I didn't stay sober however because my life was pretty much the same, bad marriage to someone who was also completely uninvolved with me as his wife, that was depressing for me, so in turn, I just kept drinking, what was the point?

I went through a horrible divorce and eventually ended up in treatment, you wouldn't believe the fight I had to get what I NEEDED for myself with zero insurance, nadda, nothing, but I did it.

Taking care of ME was the best thing I have ever done for myself, I have my life back and for me, I'm happy to not be married to a man who was always about himself.

I'm not trying to point blame, just share where we have some common ground. I lost myself, who I was in that marriage, and I drank until I was one sick woman.

You have found a wonderful site here, it does and can get better. As for support, I highly recommend hitting an AA meeting, even if you go and just sit and listen. Hit a couple, if you don't like one, try another, they can all be different. You'll be amazed at the support you'll get at a meeting when you share as well.

My best and welcome to SR!!!!
vegibean is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:46 AM.