katie53

ad has been back in jail almost 2 months now and will be going to a 4 month treatment at a womens prison. The jail talk has begun. My question, should I write her and let her know how I fell about all that she has done to her family or should I say nothing. For 2 years i have kept my feelings to myself and almost bit my one tongue off a few times!!!. Even when I know she was lying, I said nothing because "what"s the point?" Now she's back on how she loves us and is trully going to work on herself this time. How she's so grateful for me taking care of her girls for 6 yrs, now. She has stood up these girls so many times in the last year and now she wants to see them. I fell like "why should I drop what I need or want to do to please her now?" She has been so self-centered for so long, but it's always different when she's behind bars

BBD

Are you saying that your daughter wants you to being those children to a jail? My thoughts on this would be absolutely not.......I had told my son when he was doing drugs that if he ever got arrested I wouldn't help or go to see him at all....and that is one thing I meant. So, it would break my heart to have to subject children to that......hugs mom and your a super lady for taking care of the children.

katie53

Thanks BBD, I feel the same way about jail visits, but the 15 yr ol gd wants to see her and if I say you're not going, she doesn't get mad but she does get sad. It is no where near what it used to be a few years back, but she still loves her mom. She wrote mom a letter and finally told her all her feelings about addiction. She went onto tell mom "I'm used to you being in jail for drugs, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to" She has a close friend who's mom also was a crack user so they confide in each other alot. I feel that's helped her deal with it as she knows he can relate more of what its's like for her. I do have the 3 yr. old also, I don't want her going to jail but I'm concerned about the older one's feeling about that. I just hate to add more drama to her as it took her along time to get where she is .

outonalimb

Thats a tough situation Katie. Thank God for you. Thank God those children have you.

You've just got to follow your heart on this one (as far as letting 15 yr old daughter visit her mom in jail). What good could come of it? What bad?

As for telling your daughter how you feel...I don't know. I've tried telling my exah how I feel but he just doesn't get it. Somehow it gets filtered thru the addiction and he just doesn't get it. I've stopped trying to communicate my feelings to him. He's the father of my son so he'll always be part of my life but I don't have to let him into my heart anymore. I know its different when its your daughter. I guess the same questions apply...what good could come of it? What bad?

Hugs to you and those precious kids of hers...

ladyhawk69

Tough one. Keep in mind what you do now will affect the kids in the future. Is it better they don't see mom? Will they resent you in the end for not letting them? Should they see her because keep in mind she is still their mother. I would talk to a counselor personally and then make your own decision. (Maybe the school counselor regarding the 15 yr old) Good luck to you!

Beantowngirl

Your question about whether to write your daughter and tell her your feelings, I would say don't do it. What would it change? At best it would make you feel better having gotten it off your chest, but in my experience I never feel as good as I think I will after that. If her 'jail talk' (intentions) actually turns into an eventual solid recovery (actions) then that would be the time to sit down and have a mutual conversation about the ways her addiction has affected the family. You don't have to bite your tongue off about it though; you can talk to a therapist, go to an alanon/naranon meeting, talk to a good friend, or journal about it.

Depending on the maturity level of the 15 year old, it might be a decision you could allow her to make. But either way it's an opportunity to talk to her about the situation, to give her all the information she needs to make the decision to the best of her ability. Even if it doesn't go the way she wants it to, it would help her learn how to make the kind of thoughtful decisions (instead of reacting impulsively) that will serve her well as she grows older. Think of it this way; as she grows older and throughout the rest of her life, she's going to have to make the decision over and over again whether or not to allow her addict mother in her life. Maybe now is the time to start practicing those skills, while she still has a little more time of being in your care.

mooselips

Hi Katie,
My oldest son is in prison serving 2 years.
He has asked repeatedly for me to bring his 14 month old son for a visit. I have said no, I will not.

My son also sounds quite sane and sober right now, as he always does when he is drug free for any length of time. My attitude is, time will tell.

Actions speak louder than words.

I have never told my son all the hurt and anger I have felt through the years of his using and lying, (which goes hand in hand with the using )
I'm sure he knows, when he's sober.

MY responsiblity, as is yours, is making sure these grandkids have a sane, loving world to grow up in. As for the addict, the responsibility to move on in their lives is their own.

Hugs, and kudos to you for being a great grandmom.......

katie53

Thanks everyone. It always feels better to come on here. You are all so special and knowing that each and everyone understands what this feels like. Thank you for genuine concern and care. Luv ya!!

Spiritual Seeker

Wait 'till she's sober and " in recovery " for some time to tell her what her addiction has
" cost " you.
At that time, I would do it face 2 face. Only then will she hear and know and be ready to make amends.
Even w/ a little sober time, I am sure she greatly feels the "shame" of it all,
May this be her time to get to, work at and stay in recovery.

Ann

I once wrote my son and told him every single hurt and bad feeling I had...and then instead of mailing it, I burned it and let the bad feelings go with it.

They know how we feel and they even feel bad about how this has affected us, we don't need to point it all out to them, what we need to do is to let go of the pain through forgiveness and move forward.

As for taking the child for jail visits? I only ever went once and it bothered me so much I never went again...and I was in my early fifties at the time. It's your choice but if it is only to please your daughter in jail who never made the effort to visit when she was out...I think I'd tell her absolutely not.

Big hugs because this all sounds so hard.

outtolunch

Back when, I lived in NJ I frequented a farmers market, just down the road from a prison. The Bloomfield Ave. buses would unload 100's of moms and their children for their weekly visit. The memory of watching what was "normal" for them, continues to haunt me.