Krys

So I have been trying really hard to ignore all of those intrusive thoughts that come with being codependent. Ya know...what is he up to, is he using, asking him how his day was 100 times looking for info...that awful urge to go through his phone. I have been doing ok, but today was hard. I think it hit me when I decided I won't take this forever. I told him that as long as he is focused on recovery I will stand by him and support him, but that if he is not moving forward I will not stay. Anyway ever since I let him know this the thoughts have been creeping on in. I have not acted on it. Any advice on what to do when this happens? I've been trying to take some time to do things for myself, but there is not enough time in the day!

outonalimb

I've done this.

Man, have I done it.

Put my life, my dreams, my future on hold...holding my breath..waiting to see what HE was going to do with his.

We give up our power when we do this. We let THEIR actions determine our future.

And then I feel resentful and angry and powerless. And feeling powerless cause me to want to snoop...to investigate...to look for some sign so I know where I'm headed.

Isn't it crazy?

Isn't it crazy to live our life by default...based on the actions of the addict? No matter how much we love them. What about us?

What about you Krys? What do you want? Where do you want to be in your life right now? You can do it no matter what he does. You know this right? I know your head knows it but your heart has to know it too.

Hugs from someone who's been there...:ghug3

Chino

What kind of recovery are you working?

Fight4Me

Funny - your question is exactly why I'm on this website. I was looking for some (any) kind of advice on what to do last weekend and I've been lurking ever since. I never dreamed I could be considered co-dependant...and now I've found a magical word that I never knew existed - DETACHMENT.

The only thing that is keeping me from doing all of the exact things that you mention above, is by thinking "what will it help?" If I look through his phone and find something, what will I do that will be any different than the last 900 times I've done the same thing, said the same thing, reacted the same way?

If I ask him questions about his day, what answer could he possibly give me that will make me trust a single word that comes out of his mouth?

It is what it is and until I'm ready to truly deal with it, I'm finding comfort in focusing on myself and spending the time that I would normally obsess and worry about what is wrong with him to focus on what I need.

I'm new to this concept, but - I will tell you what made me get over the hump I've been in for years...I read the 'letter from an addict' sticky post on this site.
It's so true, so black and white and sadly, every thing I think I'm 'helping' every day was answered. It made me ANGRY - and I needed that. I've since printed it and read it at least 10 times a day.

Though this last week has been hard, it has been REFRESHING. I never realized how physically draining it is to stress about a situation that is soooo far out of my control.

Having said all of this - THANKS to all of the wonderful people on this board. Wow, I hope you guys realize how much you are helping people.

Krys

Thanks guys! It's nice to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. It's hard to change! Chino, I am seeing a therapist and coming in here but that's about it. I would like to check out a meeting at some point, but right now they aren't holding any on days I am available. My ABF is seeing a therapist as well, and although he has not turned to the pills that I know of in a month, he is not using the tools the therapist gave him...he still thinks smoking weed is good enough to deter him from pills for now. This is why I told him I will not be staying if he cannot move forward. I mean it....now it's just getting the money ready if it comes to that. I did not know that letting go would be this hard. Last night I had a nightmare, he told me he had lied, he never had any intention of getting clean and he did not love me. I woke up sobbing! It's going to be hard, maybe the hardest thing I have ever done. I had 5 years with this man...they were great years until 2 months ago. We were looking at a video we took last xmas and he said "Look how much you loved me. You don't love me like that anymore, I ruined it." I was looking at it more like...look how innocent and unsuspecting I was. Things were easier then, I wish I could go back and warn that poor girl! Thanks for the support guys any little bit helps. I love that you are all supportive while not allowing each other to live in denial...I think a good friend will listen and tell you everything will be ok, but a great friend is going to tell you to how it really is and to RUN!!! lol

Jenny1232

The only thing that is keeping me from doing all of the exact things that you mention above, is by thinking "what will it help?" If I look through his phone and find something, what will I do that will be any different than the last 900 times I've done the same thing, said the same thing, reacted the same way?

I couldn't agree with this more... When I find myself wanting to ask questions.. I say, "Why does it matter" "Are you going to leave him if you don't like the answer"... The answer is NO, I probably won't leave him. I'll just be hurt and upset, and then later, it will pass. It seems useless to me.. and that is how I fight the urge to snoop and interrogate...

Sometimes, I'd just rather NOT know the truth. What matters is I trust him. I know he wouldn't cheat on me.. so, the other stuff is pretty minimal to me.

Last night I had a nightmare, he told me he had lied, he never had any intention of getting clean and he did not love me. I woke up sobbing!

I completely relate to this too. Since we are living apart now, I've had nightmares every night. LAst night, I dreamt that he was leaving me. That I meant nothing to him, and I had wasted all my efforts trying. he was so cold in my dream, and didn't care about me at all...

It's just our subconscious mind working through our fears, that's it. You're scared honey. These are just your thoughts.. it's not anything close to reality.

"Look how much you loved me. You don't love me like that anymore, I ruined it." I was looking at it more like...look how innocent and unsuspecting I was.

GOD! This is so true too. It's sad when you have to view it that way.. to think of how naive you were.. and you were so wrapped up in them, you were so blind. I think this is a good thing. If you didn't love him, you wouldn't be standing by him now.

Krys

Thanks Jenny! My dreams have always been my lifeline, mostly because they are usually so obvious! lol. My dream was similar to yours, he was very cold. I hate those dreams! I get what you are saying about the cheating thing too. He likes to say things like "I would never hurt you, I don't cheat on you, I treat you really well." It's like he thinks I should be grateful he is a drug addict and not a womanizer. Sometimes I feel lucky he is not cheating, but I still always say "I know you didn't do it to hurt me, but you DID hurt me." Pain is pain.

Jenny1232

That is beyond the truth! I hear the, "I would never hurt you" all the time.. well then, why am I left crying and you're ignoring or yelling at me? When they say that.. I think they really believe it. Like, maybe they hurt us, but not as BAD as we COULD be hurt...

In a weird way.. we're almost being cheated on, just by an addiction. He said to me, "I never strayed" - well you did. You left me, to fulfill your void with a substance. His drug, is his woman.

Krys

I agree with you completely Jenny. I've been cheated on before (not by my ABF) and the feeling I got then is the same one I have now. I know there is probably some sort of codependent logic to that in there somewhere. I think knowing he did not do it to hurt me helps...but it still certainly feels like betrayal.

Mikie7911

hey krys and jenny,

the phrase about cheating......i think that is exactly how i feel and have for some time now, he is cheating on me but with pills. sometimes i think it would be easier to deal with him having an affair with another woman than with these crazy pills!