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Boyfriend claims he didn't drink when he blew a 1.0... need advice.



Boyfriend claims he didn't drink when he blew a 1.0... need advice.

Old 05-06-2010, 04:56 PM
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Unhappy Boyfriend claims he didn't drink when he blew a 1.0... need advice.

I bought a breathalyzer. I used it myself the first few times and consistently blew a 0.0... when my boyfriend came back from picking up a few grocery items from across the street (taking about 45 min when it only should have taken about 15-20) I made him take the test before coming into the apartment. He did not know that the breathalyzer had arrived today, and he blew a 1.0...

Sticking to his guns, he claimed that he had not had anything to drink, leaving the only remaining option to be that the breathalyzer is defective or misreading him.

So I tested him again twenty minutes later, and he blew a .08

And then again about twenty minutes later, and he blew a .07

I continued to test him until fifteen minutes ago when he blew a .05

I am puzzled.

Other than his eyes seeming a little glazed when he came in, I did not notice anything too unusual. He did seem a little pushier, a little whinier than usual but nothing too strange; however, this is coming from the same guy who has bragged to me about how functional he is even when he has had a lot to drink.

All I want from him is an honest answer...and he is flat-out denying it.

What are the chances of the breathalyzer giving an inaccurate reading, and the chances that the same reading has continued to decline at a fairly consistent rate?

This is going to be a big problem!
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Old 05-06-2010, 05:08 PM
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It looks like the alcoholic is being an alcoholic.
Lies, denial, blame-shifting, lies of omission, twisting of facts, etc.....

Have you gone to an Alanon meeting yet? or counseling?

Have you done any reading on codependecy yet?

I recommend Melody Beattie's book: Codependent No More
I also recommend reading: Under the Influence

Can I ask why you bought the breatherlyzer? What were you hoping to accomplish?
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Old 05-06-2010, 05:09 PM
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What are you puzzled about?

It sounds like he's got you second guessing what he knows is a lie...and you want to believe him so badly you're going to look for possibilities that the breathalyzer is defective.
You know it's a lie. What more do you need to know.

Just curious as to why you are policing him with a breathalyzer machine anyway? If this is something you feel you need to do with a boyfriend, a significant other is keep them under lock and key....you need to reconsider this relationship.
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Old 05-06-2010, 05:17 PM
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Starcrossed, one of the effects of alcoholism in the early stages is related to tolerance for alcohol. To quote a section from Under the Influence that stuck with me: "Alcoholics typically experience a dramatic climb in tolerance in the first stage of alcoholism and can often drink huge amounts of alcohol without showing obvious impairment of their ability to walk, talk, think, and react. Anyone who observes the early- and middle-stage alcoholic's drinking behavior is familiar with the fact that the typical alcoholic can drink as much as a liter of wine, a dozen beers, or even a bottle of whiskey without acting drunk."

It was astoundingly true with my AH. As was the fact that my AH would consistently lie about whether he'd had anything to drink or how much he had to drink.

Trust yourself. I'd personally trust a breathalyzer before I'd trust my AH to tell the truth about drinking.
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Old 05-06-2010, 05:19 PM
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I have suspected him drinking in the past, but had no proof. I ordered the breathalyzer as a way to see for myself (I have not been around a lot of drinking/drunk people) if he was really telling lies, as I cannot trust him.
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Old 05-06-2010, 05:24 PM
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starcrossed,

Been there done that. I bought a cheap breathalizer off of eBay and did the same thing you are doing. I blew in it and it showed no alcohol. He blew in it and it showed that he had been drinking. He SWORE that he hadn't. I spent nearly a thousand bucks on an expensive one like the state troopers used. It showed the same thing. That was when I realized that I had been lied to over and over again. All of a sudden things that had happened made sense. I felt like a fool but at least I did finally know the truth.

I hate to say it but you're being lied to. You said this man is your boyfriend. Don't make the mistake that I did and marry him. It won't get any better it will just get worse.

After I had finally had enough lies and insanity I filed for divorce.

Good luck to you.
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Old 05-06-2010, 05:28 PM
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one more thing...this board and AlAnon have been a great source of support and information for me. Keep posting and if you've never been to an AlAnon meeting then give it a try.
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Old 05-06-2010, 05:40 PM
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He did not blow a 1.0. Death typically occurs at .45 to .50 There has never been a case of a 1.0 Bac that I have heard of. .10 is what I believe you meant to post.

Other than this math correction, I cannot add anything to the advice you already have.
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Old 05-06-2010, 06:05 PM
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I absolutely agree with RollTide as I've also been there done that. (All though I stuck to the cheapies on ebay/amazon). I always blew a 0. He'd blow a 0.11-0.5% but would swear with such conviction that he hadn't drunk I just didn't know what to believe. He'd also come up with the stupidest excuses that I would think just might be true. He's used mouthwash, he's vomited, his medication was messing up the tester.

I used to be at home in the evenings testing it out with different ways. I'd use mouthwash and blow a .2%, then I'd take a drink of water and blow a 0, so then I knew it could only be the mouthwash if he did the test almost immediately after brushing his teeth. If I ever went out and had a drink I'd take the test to be sure it worked. Then as soon as I knew 100% that the test was accurate it 'mysteriously' disappeared. So I'd order a new one and have to go through all the checks again before I would trust it over him.

Eventually I we had a session together with his psychologist, (an alcohol specialist who I also used to attend a family group with). She basically told me not to be driving myself mad and that I should trust my own instincts. Basically that I knew full well whenever he was drunk and didn't need to justify my suspicions to him as it only gave him new ways to make excuses while upsetting myself.

I've got to say OP, I'm sure you love him, but if you can easily extricate yourself from the relationship you should be at least considering it. If I could meet myself of 8 years ago I'd tell myself to run and run fast. I really love my husband, when he's consistently sober he's a wonderful, funny, intelligent person, who I just bloody click perfectly with. I'd never want to be with anybody other than him, he's my soulmate. But the lying, manipulative gibbering moron he becomes when he's drinking is just not worth being around and is cancelling out my love for him. He's been going through an extremely tentative recovery recently but I think he's sliding back toward his old ways. I've told him tonight that if he does we are over, and if we are my biggest regret will be the time I gave him.
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Old 05-06-2010, 06:09 PM
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My AH is also a "great" liar when it comes to whether or not he has been drinking or how much he drank. In fact, his lies used to make me doubt what I could tell was true. Someone on here said something that really made me think. It was something about by approaching him I was inviting him to lie to me....I already knew the answer - and knew he would lie. It amazed my how much my AH is able to manipulate me into not believing in my own observations and knowledge - afterall I am a bright and intelligent woman. I now take sort of a different road. I don't even approach him when he has been drinking, but for my own purposes I do send him an email letting him know that I can tell and that this continuing is going to hurt our marriage. Not sure if that is the right thing to do or not, but it is for my own documentation of the reality and scope of his drinking, and because I NEED to - for me - get it out. However, back to the lies...>TRUST YOURSELF - because he will NEVER tell you the truth about drinking.
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Old 05-06-2010, 06:11 PM
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KittyP,
I could have written that last paragraph.
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Old 05-06-2010, 06:13 PM
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Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for just a boyfriend.
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Old 05-06-2010, 08:06 PM
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If you have the need to test him, is there really a relationship there that needs to survive? Do you want a trusting relationship with someone who respects you or are you OK with someone who lies, and drives you to things like testing him? Doesn't matter what the breathalyzer says, it matters more what the act of buying one says.
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Old 05-06-2010, 10:39 PM
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I can't believe he actually blew into that thing every twenty minutes for you.
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Old 05-07-2010, 01:00 AM
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Originally Posted by kittykitty View Post
I can't believe he actually blew into that thing every twenty minutes for you.
That's exactly what I was thinking.

Someone once told me that if you're not sure if things have gotten crazy in a relationship, just say it out loud and it will become more clear. For example,

"I have so little trust for my boyfriend that I actually bought a breathalyzer and made him blow into it to see if he was lying."

"I made my alcoholic boyfriend blow into a breathalyzer and it registered that he had alcohol in his system. However, my alcoholic boyfriend told me that the breathalyzer was broken and that he hadn't been drinking, and that sounds believable to me."

"My alcoholic boyfriend told me that he had a little pig that could fly. I'm wondering if you guys think he might be telling the truth, because I think he might be."

It's AMAZING to me how when we're in it, we can't see the forest for the trees. I've been there. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
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Old 05-07-2010, 01:11 AM
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haha, keep pedaling. that's a good strategy!

starcrossed, i am afraid that they lying goes along with the drinking. i do understand the need to get the facts so as to be able to make a decision. i kept a journal for about 6 months, monitoring drinks and money spent to figure out the extent of mine.

so, now you know he's drinking and lying about it.

please don't drive yourself crazy continuing to be "the booze police".

hands off his drinking! you either accept that he is a lying drinker or you give him the boot.

naive
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Old 05-07-2010, 05:29 AM
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"Originally Posted by kittykitty:
I can't believe he actually blew into that thing every twenty minutes for you."

Mine would do it, no problem at all. Beacause he desperatly needed me to believe him everything is ok. The more I kept on pushing the more he was willing to do to prove me wrong. And the simple truth is he didn't do it because he is a bad person, lier, but because he is an A. One does not exclude each other by default.
Starcrossed, I was like you for a very long time. I needed him to confirm it, to come clean. It used to get so crazy, one couldn't tell who was crazier there, me or him. I kept checking up on him, in every way you could think of. I'd searched the house and find empty bottles, and even finding them wasn't enough for me, I'd brought them to him, and wanted him to admit. he never did.. You wouldn't believe the excusses he'd came up every single time.
What was I really doing there? I guess I was looking for the final proof, the one that's going to make him say: YES, yes I did it, yes I'm an A, yes I will stop, I will change... and off we are, riding in a sunset.
Do I have to say it never happened?
I was delusional. What did I think? That he doesn't know he is drinking, and by waving empty bottles in front of his face or whatever other crazy thing I came up with, will make him realize?
In time I've learned that's the stupid game I'm playing, and it's not getting me anywhere. I've learned to trust my own gut, and I don't need him to confirm it.
So I have to say maybe you should ask yourself what do you think you're going to achieve by testing him with a breathalyzer?
It's not a power struggle, if you make it to be one, you are just making things much harder for yourself.
I know how hard it is to be where you are now. But believe me it only gets worse until he, himself, decides it's time for a change. In my experience, by doing what you're doing now I've pushed my AH even more into denial. As maybe if he wasn't using all that energy to fight me and prove me wrong, maybe he'd have use some of it to address his own issues. maybe he wouldn't, but one thing is for sure: I didn't help.
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Old 05-07-2010, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by sesh View Post
It's not a power struggle, if you make it to be one, you are just making things much harder for yourself.
Sadly it takes a tremendous amount of pain to get to where one can actually understand the gravity of this statement and nod in concurrence. Starcrossed I hope for your sake you avoid that pain.
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Old 05-07-2010, 10:35 AM
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One of the most frustrasting things in my small interaction with an alkie in my life, was the fact there were no huge red signs affirming my view and feelings and experiences... friends knew he drank a lot but no one said the A word or stopped drinking with him...... the fact "no one notices" or "its not so bad" for OTHERS... the fact that (at least in my country) there is a huge tabboo against 12 steps and AA ... ah the denial.

The Twilight zone and reality, are you ok then with a bf that drinks and lies to you? staying with him affirms that you are ok.

Ex alkie and surrounding shame/denial/lies/gaslighting had a HUGE hidden lesson>

No one knows how its like to walk in your shoes.
I started learning to TRUST MYSELF....


Have you read Melody beatty? I love her books.
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Old 05-07-2010, 11:04 AM
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First, Im 3.5 months sober.
My girlfriend is the number 1 reason I quit drinking. She didn't like it, and I hurt her one night by drinking too much. I would often drink on my way home and hide it with gum. Id drink more beers than she knew about, even when she was home. Id pound a beer or two while she was in the shower. If I ran some where, id have a beer. She knew I drank alot, but doesn't know truely how bad it was. I didnt do this to hurt her, It was just me wanting a fix. I would never intentionally hurt her.

Sounds like you are battling a real alcoholic. Try not getting mad at him. He has a serious problem. Try encouragement, and be proud of him if when he doesn't drink. Trust me, it helps when someone is proud of you.

He is lying to you. The breath test is working. Sad that he has to do that, he has a problem. If you think you love each other now......wait till he is sober. It gets way way better. Keep on him if you really care.
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