To live or die?? (day 1 here)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: ca
Posts: 3
To live or die?? (day 1 here)
Well, today is day one. Like many of you I have had many day ones. I am really tired and depressed and can not drink anymore. I am a horrible when I drink, so horrible at times that I prefer to just ignore my drunken deeds. I can ignore my problem no longer. I have been in bar fights, punched my dad, pushed my girlfriend, pointed a gun at my girlfriend and driven very drunk. Those are the major stupid things, the other things are pretty standard for drunks including falling and hurting myself, drunken e-mails and phone calls etc…
I know that I can not go on like this. It is odd because I know better, yet I continued to do it. Here is a typical week for me over the last year:
Monday: Drink to oblivion>>>>> buy meth and “sober up”>>>>>>>no sleep
Tuesday: Drink all day from 9am to midnight to comedown, pop sleeping pills
Wednesday: No drink, but depressed, anxious, hopeless and filled with suicidal ideation
Thursday: Drink to oblivion>>>>possible drugs>>>>>I also started injecting amphetamines
Friday: Drink away hangover and waste whole day drunk. I smoke cigs every time I drink too
Saturday: have a 6 pack of 16 ouncers in morning to cure hangover, stop drinking until Monday.
I don’t know when it happened, but I crossed a line somewhere. I used to be happy and hopeful. Now I am angry, depressed and only find joy with a 4 beer buzz, which now takes me 6 pints to achieve. Also, the happiness of the buzz is short-lived because I binge and end up going to the dark side within 2-3 hours. I have complete blackouts almost every time I drink. I have become self-destructive. I want my life back. So here is to today, tomorrow and forever. If I don’t stop I will die or end up in jail. Time to own up and grow up.
Thanks for listening.
Mr
I know that I can not go on like this. It is odd because I know better, yet I continued to do it. Here is a typical week for me over the last year:
Monday: Drink to oblivion>>>>> buy meth and “sober up”>>>>>>>no sleep
Tuesday: Drink all day from 9am to midnight to comedown, pop sleeping pills
Wednesday: No drink, but depressed, anxious, hopeless and filled with suicidal ideation
Thursday: Drink to oblivion>>>>possible drugs>>>>>I also started injecting amphetamines
Friday: Drink away hangover and waste whole day drunk. I smoke cigs every time I drink too
Saturday: have a 6 pack of 16 ouncers in morning to cure hangover, stop drinking until Monday.
I don’t know when it happened, but I crossed a line somewhere. I used to be happy and hopeful. Now I am angry, depressed and only find joy with a 4 beer buzz, which now takes me 6 pints to achieve. Also, the happiness of the buzz is short-lived because I binge and end up going to the dark side within 2-3 hours. I have complete blackouts almost every time I drink. I have become self-destructive. I want my life back. So here is to today, tomorrow and forever. If I don’t stop I will die or end up in jail. Time to own up and grow up.
Thanks for listening.
Mr
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Welcome to SR MrB 
A lot of us can relate to when it stopped being fun...and the fear when we just couldn't stop anyway...
Sounds like you're making a wise move to stop now before something dreadful happens.
Are you using any recovery programmes or just us so far?
D
A lot of us can relate to when it stopped being fun...and the fear when we just couldn't stop anyway...
Sounds like you're making a wise move to stop now before something dreadful happens.
Are you using any recovery programmes or just us so far?
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I hope you read around some other posts...you'll find out you are, most definitely, not alone. I would like to recommend you see a dr., only because alcohol withdrawal can be really harsh and dangerous on a body (including fatal). I used to be an RN (before my addiction took that away) and the majority of doctors have seen it all and simply want to make sure you're okay.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I hope you read around some other posts...you'll find out you are, most definitely, not alone. I would like to recommend you see a dr., only because alcohol withdrawal can be really harsh and dangerous on a body (including fatal). I used to be an RN (before my addiction took that away) and the majority of doctors have seen it all and simply want to make sure you're okay.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Hi mrbrowstone, welcome to SR! Wow, I can hear the desperation and despair right through the computer screen. I second Amy on her suggestion of seeing a doctor, you are not alone and as your post title suggests, yes, this is a real disease and it can and will kill you.
I do hope that you'll continue to post and keep reading. You will get TONS of support here. My heart goes out to you and I'll be pulling for you.
I do hope that you'll continue to post and keep reading. You will get TONS of support here. My heart goes out to you and I'll be pulling for you.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome MrB - It seems we're willing to endure weeks, months and years of suffering chasing after a feeling that most of us couldn't achieve at the end of our drinking. It sounds like you're there, too. I know that for the past year, up until just a week ago, I was often drinking just to feel normal and avoid withdrawals. It's a miserable way to live, I know. I'm sending out a prayer and hoping you will get all the help you deserve. It's OK to ask for help. Thanks for your post and keep reading!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Welcome to SR and I too, hope you stick around. I also hope you consult with a doctor. Your pattern of drinking would indicate that you might experience some serious withdrawals. Be safe. Will be waiting to hear how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 32
Welcome! Within your first post, I could hear someone underneath all that chemical abuse calling out for help. I know you are in pain, but I want you to know that you don't have to live like that anymore if you are willing to get help.
I would strongly encourage you to see your doctor and be completely honest with him or her and tell them everything about your substance abuse problem. You have a disease and there is no shame in that. It would really be ideal for you to be medically detoxed so that you are kept safe and made comfortable. It is completely confidential and definitely the best way to start your recovery if you do choose to come out of the darkness.
My prayers are with you tonight that Life will speak louder to you than your "demons". Keep posting here. You will find lots of support.
Hugs to you for your courage and honesty.
I would strongly encourage you to see your doctor and be completely honest with him or her and tell them everything about your substance abuse problem. You have a disease and there is no shame in that. It would really be ideal for you to be medically detoxed so that you are kept safe and made comfortable. It is completely confidential and definitely the best way to start your recovery if you do choose to come out of the darkness.
My prayers are with you tonight that Life will speak louder to you than your "demons". Keep posting here. You will find lots of support.
Hugs to you for your courage and honesty.
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