Cleaning up the mess
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Cleaning up the mess
I have spent today cleaning up the room my son lived in until recently. It is a filthy, disgusting mess. I stayed out of it for the last 6 months (it is outside) and it was a shock to see just what was going on there. Cigarette butts everywhere, used needles, invoice for his order of magic mushrooms, lawyer's letters for a huge amount he owes his Internet service provider. The floor has not been cleaned ever. One could hardly walk on the floor he had so much rubbish. CDs everywhere on the floor, papers, beer bottles and just more stuff. Old containers with rotten food.
I am:
disgusted because I cannot believe anyone could live like that.
mad, mad because he left the mess for me to clean in spite of his promises that he would do it.
so sad I want to sit in a corner and cry because this is what is left of my son's life.
so hopeless because I just don't see how he will ever get himself out of this deep hole he dug.
Right now I feel as if I hate him for the path he chose and the effect it had on himself and our life. I am consumed with anger, but the anger feels like a front to hide a sadness that is so deep it feels as if I will never get away from it again.
I know I have to let him go. But how do I do this? I have had very little direct contact with since he moved out, but have been sending him all kind of emails almost every day. Extracts from people's posts over in the addiction forum, just to show him other people have been there and got out of it. I don't even know if he reads them but it just makes me feel as if I am not just sitting watching the demise of my own child. Just to show him hope does exist.
I thought I was coping well with this but I am not feeling like that today.
I am:
disgusted because I cannot believe anyone could live like that.
mad, mad because he left the mess for me to clean in spite of his promises that he would do it.
so sad I want to sit in a corner and cry because this is what is left of my son's life.
so hopeless because I just don't see how he will ever get himself out of this deep hole he dug.
Right now I feel as if I hate him for the path he chose and the effect it had on himself and our life. I am consumed with anger, but the anger feels like a front to hide a sadness that is so deep it feels as if I will never get away from it again.
I know I have to let him go. But how do I do this? I have had very little direct contact with since he moved out, but have been sending him all kind of emails almost every day. Extracts from people's posts over in the addiction forum, just to show him other people have been there and got out of it. I don't even know if he reads them but it just makes me feel as if I am not just sitting watching the demise of my own child. Just to show him hope does exist.
I thought I was coping well with this but I am not feeling like that today.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Shawnee, Ok
Posts: 9
Hope
I feel your pain, as the mother of two addict sons. At one point I had to evict them both to save my sanity and for my physical safety. It is so hard to know what to do, but I have learned that enabling is the worse thing you can do. Tough love is toughest on the parent/Mom, but it is in their best interest. As long as they are alive there is hope, pray for his safety and ask God for guidance.
My youngest(21) was court ordered to a two year facility, he will have one year May 26, he is changed, he is the son I once knew, a loving compassionate man. My oldest(24) chose not to go, excepted a felony, continued down the path, and is now in jail facing more charges, plus violation of probation, he has been there over a month. My hope and prayer is that he will be allowed to go to a rehab, versus prison. It hurts that he is where he is, but I know where he is, and he is alive, so there is hope.
So, my advice to you is pray often, and ask God to comfort you. You are not alone.
My youngest(21) was court ordered to a two year facility, he will have one year May 26, he is changed, he is the son I once knew, a loving compassionate man. My oldest(24) chose not to go, excepted a felony, continued down the path, and is now in jail facing more charges, plus violation of probation, he has been there over a month. My hope and prayer is that he will be allowed to go to a rehab, versus prison. It hurts that he is where he is, but I know where he is, and he is alive, so there is hope.
So, my advice to you is pray often, and ask God to comfort you. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
WDIT,
Have you checked out NarAnon or AlAnon in your area??? Face to face meetings can be a GREAT help - you're not alone.
I know, even tho my son appears clean, that his residence (1/2 a room at a Sober House) is probably a mess - he seems to have some compulsive behaviors. He has a hard time actually throwing garbage away, he collects pen, pencils, markers - has to have just the right one & keeps acquiring them while he searches, he's the same way with blank tablets, journals, spiral notebooks - he'll write on a page or draw on a page and the rest of the paper is blank.
I have wanted to send him/give him quotes or stories from SR, but have only gone so far as printing them out but end up keeping myself or throwing them away. What triggers me in my recovery is not apparently what triggers him. In the past I have said EVERYTHING many times over that I think will give him a desire to seek a "better" way to live, want a "better" life, want to get/stay clean. But after all is said and done it is only him that can do that for himself.
Hang in there, you are doing the right thing - now seek some peace and serenity for yourself - find your life.
Have you checked out NarAnon or AlAnon in your area??? Face to face meetings can be a GREAT help - you're not alone.
I know, even tho my son appears clean, that his residence (1/2 a room at a Sober House) is probably a mess - he seems to have some compulsive behaviors. He has a hard time actually throwing garbage away, he collects pen, pencils, markers - has to have just the right one & keeps acquiring them while he searches, he's the same way with blank tablets, journals, spiral notebooks - he'll write on a page or draw on a page and the rest of the paper is blank.
I have wanted to send him/give him quotes or stories from SR, but have only gone so far as printing them out but end up keeping myself or throwing them away. What triggers me in my recovery is not apparently what triggers him. In the past I have said EVERYTHING many times over that I think will give him a desire to seek a "better" way to live, want a "better" life, want to get/stay clean. But after all is said and done it is only him that can do that for himself.
Hang in there, you are doing the right thing - now seek some peace and serenity for yourself - find your life.
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Thank you both. There is a meeting about two blocks away and I have all the intention of going every time but I haven't yet. I find this all so difficult. I am always the strong one in our family and people know they can rely on me. Very codie, I suspect. To go to a meeting with strangers and open up will be very hard. I am also worried that once I open the floodgates of 9 years hidden heartache, it won't stop.
I know I have to do something. I have a 14-year old boy and I cannot sit around moping all the time. I try to put up a happy front but he mostly sees through it and it is not fair towards him.
I know I have to do something. I have a 14-year old boy and I cannot sit around moping all the time. I try to put up a happy front but he mostly sees through it and it is not fair towards him.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
ALL OVER the house
Cleaning up a mess in more ways than one. Have family member with problems/issues who has been living with us part-time and yet not only are their room and storage areas full/a big mess but they like to live ALL OVER the house with PERSONAL possessions in EVERY single room. They only like to use surface areas never putting stuff away. And get mad when they can't or don't find something in the exact place they left it months ago.
They never clean but frequently complain 'how dirty the house is' because one of their HUNDREDS of things/objects has a little dust on it. They are currently using a hall way as a locker room because there's more space there than in the roomS they have access to. There are even prescription med bottles all over. It's embarrassing to have people over. It's not like one those hoarder houses but it's in the preliminary stages. It's like they want you to see and experience THEIR life.
Cry for help or just ignorance I just don't know.
They never clean but frequently complain 'how dirty the house is' because one of their HUNDREDS of things/objects has a little dust on it. They are currently using a hall way as a locker room because there's more space there than in the roomS they have access to. There are even prescription med bottles all over. It's embarrassing to have people over. It's not like one those hoarder houses but it's in the preliminary stages. It's like they want you to see and experience THEIR life.
Cry for help or just ignorance I just don't know.
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
I am glad to know I am not the only one in this situation. I want to turn the room into a library. Paint it a sunny yellow with some comfortable chairs. I hope that as I get rid of the physical rubbish, the mental rubbish will get lighter too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
our spare room, my AH tv/lounge/smoking room was a pigpen ! after he left
I got the energy to gut it, threw away so much stuff,bagged his clothes and dropped them off where he lives..(there were empty pill bottles or course) and painted it,hung new curtains and took his brand new flat screen tv and put it in MY bedroom
..its now an office for me, by doing this it gave me peace and closure of living with his addiction. Now Im in the process of re decorating the rest of the house
I got the energy to gut it, threw away so much stuff,bagged his clothes and dropped them off where he lives..(there were empty pill bottles or course) and painted it,hung new curtains and took his brand new flat screen tv and put it in MY bedroom
..its now an office for me, by doing this it gave me peace and closure of living with his addiction. Now Im in the process of re decorating the rest of the house Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I LOVE the idea of turning that space into something beautiful FOR YOU.
I am in the process of redecorating my bedroom. Painted the walls a lovely (and very feminine) lilac color. Splurged and actually bought myself a new bedroom set. I NEVER buy NEW furniture. I find most of my furniture scouting resale shops...but my bedroom is starting to look so pretty. This weekend I'm going to sew some curtains and put fresh flowers on the nightstand.
I'm reclaiming my space since evicting my exah. And I love retreating to my pretty, lilac sanctuary at the end of a long day.
Hugs to you...
I am in the process of redecorating my bedroom. Painted the walls a lovely (and very feminine) lilac color. Splurged and actually bought myself a new bedroom set. I NEVER buy NEW furniture. I find most of my furniture scouting resale shops...but my bedroom is starting to look so pretty. This weekend I'm going to sew some curtains and put fresh flowers on the nightstand.
I'm reclaiming my space since evicting my exah. And I love retreating to my pretty, lilac sanctuary at the end of a long day.
Hugs to you...
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
It is certainly not easy while one is doing it. I have this urge to throw everything away, even stuff I should probably keep.
Tam, I hope there will be some closure for me at the end. Having an office in stead of an addicts mess sounds great. Outonalimb, your lilac room sounds positively gorgeous.
Tam, I hope there will be some closure for me at the end. Having an office in stead of an addicts mess sounds great. Outonalimb, your lilac room sounds positively gorgeous.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Do go to the mtg. and then keep going back.
Do open up, do get into your own recovery program.
At least 6 mos. from now, you will have learned, grown and made progress.
Do it 4 yourself and your youngest son.
There is a silver lining in addiction...but you have to seek it.
Do open up, do get into your own recovery program.
At least 6 mos. from now, you will have learned, grown and made progress.
Do it 4 yourself and your youngest son.
There is a silver lining in addiction...but you have to seek it.
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
I feel so good! Yesterday all the stuff was thrown out and today we started scrubbing every thing down. The windows and window sills are clean, the floor in the one room is clean. The doors and frames have been washed down and some of the walls have been scrubbed.
It feels as if with each piece of dirt that gets removed, the affect of the addiction is lifting. It will take a while still but it is starting to look good!
SS, I do plan to go to the meeting this coming week. It is Wednesday night and I am going to just go.
It feels as if with each piece of dirt that gets removed, the affect of the addiction is lifting. It will take a while still but it is starting to look good!
SS, I do plan to go to the meeting this coming week. It is Wednesday night and I am going to just go.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
everytime I find a new mess (and there have been plenty!) of his it reinforces my decision to never have contact with him again. i'm sure he won't leave mommy's house that way. (lack of respect for me i take it as) but little did he know HE would actually help me get over him by his little things "here and there". 
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