Iwanttoheal

Hello again everyone,

You may remember me from my posts last year on SR. I haven't posted in a long while but I have lurked intermittently to see how you are all getting on. You all helped me so much that I thought I'd post to give you an update.

For those of you that don't know me, last May my son was diagnosed with Autism. This sent my alcoholic family of origin into free-fall with my alcoholic brother ending up in hospital after being severely beaten up and codependent mother falling apart in hysterics leaving me to cope with the aftermath. This was the final straw for me and I cut contact with my mother and brother.

It is funny looking back, my son's diagnosis was the perfect excuse to perpetuate the alcoholic chaos that exists in my birth family (father was alcoholic, now dead).

First the positives:

Dh, dd, ds and I have now adjusted to our new circumstances going from two full-time working adults to one working and one at-home carer. I have become a master of economising reducing our 18 year mortgage term down to 5 years.

I have maintained no contact with my brother apart from the fact that I send my nieces and nephews birthday / Xmas cards with money in. I am so at ease with this set-up and am so glad he is out my life – no more being used as an emotional dustbin and source of emotional / practical support. I sometimes wonder if he feels a victim, that I have abandoned him or if he feels the same relief that I do at not being in contact. I'm not that interested that I want to find out though.

I have made major steps forward in fully accepting that the physical, verbal, psychological / emotional abuse and neglect in my childhood happened to me and the verbal and psychological / emotional abuse continued to happen to me as an adult. I have accepted the fact that I was a victim – all my power was taken from me as a child and up until the age of 46 I was repeating the pattern of giving my power to others to keep me safe, to try to get them to love me and care for me. I gave my power unknowingly to any authority figure - my mother, my brother, my boss. In one of my old posts I couldn't get my head around why their voices were so “loud” and why I hung on and believed every word they said. I understand now, I was functioning from the position of abused child and victim.

No more though – I have started to take my power back and am learning to voice my opinions, my disapproval, my disappointment, my frustration. I find it hard work but it is getting easier and more empowering the more I do it.

I have learnt about unresolved grief and have learnt that I can be in two different emotional states at the same time eg I am angry that I was an abused child but I am proud that my own children live in an abuse-free home; I am sad for the young me who had such a horrible childhood but I am happy for the adult me who has a happy day-to-day life. I seem to have found the “middle” ground, I am neither one nor the other but both at the same time if that makes sense.

I can spot a toxic person a mile off and have taken steps to reduce contact with some old friends / acquaintances who are no good for me.

I have stopped running and trying to numb my life, I exist more in the day-to-day with all its cr*p and good points. I am still a control freak who plans for the worst possible scenario but I have loosened my death grip on my dh, ds and dd's lives.

So lots of good stuff here mostly thanks to SR and all the reading I have undertaken over the past year.

Thanks for reading,
IWTH (still working hard on it)

KatieKerry

Hi IWTH,

I just found a site with some really helpful and encouraging info on getting over your past. It's SearchWarp Writers' Community for Do It Yourself and Current Events Commentary, once your in search for getting over your past.

I found some of the tips helpful anyway....