living alone is so sad and pointless

Old 05-05-2010, 08:39 PM
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tangerine dream
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Thumbs down living alone is so sad and pointless

some of you may remember me from months ago.
i don't really have the energy to go over my entire story but lets just say i have finally come to understand the stupid reasoning in my brain that allowed me to let him come home so many times.

and this time he disappeared on friday and i haven't heard one word from him. some of his horrible friends are being awful and mean to me and im so sad because he ditched me with our two huge dogs who i now have to leave alone in our apartment for 12 hours a day because i work 40 hours a week and there's a 2 hour commute each way.

so now not only am i living alone, accepting that our relationship was a bunch of crap and i let the sense of relief that i felt everytime he came home take the place of an actual resolution to the problem for 3 f-ing years, so in essence i wasted a lot of time, but now i feel so guilty because i'm so exhausted and these dogs loved him SO MUCH and he spent so much time with them..... every waking minute is either spent driving, at work, or trying very unsuccessfully to give these poor sweet loving dogs the exercise they need. i havent done laundry in a month. i haven't gone grocery shopping in a month. i'm going to have to give them both up to a better home so they can have a yard and owners who give them enough attention. and then i'm gonna be living alone. again.

i'm not entirely certain that this is better than it was while he was here. actually, it isn't. life was so much easier and so much less exhausting, and i actually had a reason to get up in the morning and to buy good groceries and to come home and to do laundry and take showers and be a human.

it feels so purposeless. i hate it.
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Old 05-06-2010, 04:12 AM
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Right now living alone seems hard, but once you get used to it, get a system down pat, get a system either with the dogs or if you need to place them for adoption, either way, you will realize it's not hard, it's not purposeless, it's DIFFERENT. I haven't gotten a chance to read all your previous posts, but I've been where you are now (except w/grandchildren instead of dogs), my RAH left me 9 mos. ago, I had just gotten my two young grandchildren placed with me by cps due to my daughters addictions a few days before, two months worth of unpaid bills, no money, no groceries (cause before that I never brought groceries cause he never ate), my house had not been cleaned in about 2 weeks, laundry hadn't been done, cause I'd been avoiding being at the house when he was there, so there's was plenty of catching up to do. At the beginning, it seemed hard, real hard. There were also all the emotions attached to it, like grieving the end of my marriage. But I had to pull myself together, get off my pity pot. I took a vacation day, got all the cleaning and laundry done, went food shopping, and the chaos started to lift! It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am now back with my RAH, who is sober now 6 mos., but looking back, I would not trade that time in my life for anything in the world. Hang in there, it will get better, trust me, and in 6 mos. you will be looking back at this post and say "what was I thinking when I wrote that post?" Your life will be so much better!
(((Hugs)))
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Old 05-06-2010, 07:09 AM
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Codependency is loud and noisy when we're alone. Do you attend any 12 step meetings or see a therapist?
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Old 05-06-2010, 07:30 AM
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Tangerine,

I'm looking at it from the other side. I'd like to be able to live on my own for awhile, doing what I want when I want, not worrying about hurting someones feelings, or wondering where they are or what they're doing.

I moved from my parents home to military barracks to marriage to kids to divorce but still with kids and have been struggling with grown kids. My son, 29 yrs old, doesn't live w/me, but struggles with drug addiction. My daughter, 26 yrs old, lives w/me and is an emotional hand full. When is it my turn to be me???

There are two sides to every story, huh? Good luck - queentree and Chino had some great thoughts.
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Old 05-06-2010, 08:06 AM
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tam
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I was going to post the same thing. last few days I too have been feeling lonely and exhausted. been 5 months since my AH left. we are married 26 years.I work fulltime and take care of 4 dogs and 2 family house,I had to shovel snow, now mow the lawn and food shop and do all the chores. there are days I feel sad and overwhelmed. BUT, I then think about our relationship which truly wasnt a relationship as much as I thought it was when he lived there and how I felt then..and it reminds me that its really best to not be involved with addiction. I didnt take care about myself back then as much as I thought I did. my therapist did say that in a way we will go through mourning and I think that is pretty true. I do have many good days (more now than I used to) and now take more care of myself as well. it takes time.
I now cook,run,exercise, but that was after healing. I also allow myself to cry its okay and I am able to talk about the ordeal now (not as intense as in the beginning as I can finally do/talk about other things) which I couldnt for a long time before/after he left. Please continue getting support on here, meetings or a therapist, it really really helps. wish you the best you can do it
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Old 05-06-2010, 10:14 AM
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Originally Posted by JMFburns View Post
Tangerine,

I'm looking at it from the other side. I'd like to be able to live on my own for awhile, doing what I want when I want, not worrying about hurting someones feelings, or wondering where they are or what they're doing.
Your post reminded me of something that happened a little over a month ago. My son was house hunting and invited husband and I to look at a couple of properties. I fell in love with a cozy little bungalow that was not his style at all, and said out loud "I want to live here." I didn't imagine living there with anyone else, not even my husband, just me.

Somewhere on this journey of codie recovery, I went from needing other people to fulfill my needs to doing that myself. I realized I've always lived with others all my life, whether family or roommates. I've always depended on others for income or companionship, something.

It's taken actively working a recovery program to get to this place. Now my challenge is to not swing too far the other direction. To establish and maintain the time I need for myself and not ever let it go.
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Old 05-06-2010, 12:57 PM
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Living alone is a guilty pleasure of mine. No company is better than bad company.

I think you're doing the right thing for the dogs and yourself. There are other pets available that are less labor intensive.

Once you've simplified your life somewhat, maybe you'll begin again to live it.

Have dinner at Madeo's with a girfriend or a sister. I know you drive a lot during the week, but I'm always up for a road trip. Maybe just down to Huntington Beach for the day to check out the surfers and renew your spirit with the ocean breeze. Or heaven forbid you take off one weekend for Montery - just to go to the aquarium. There's an almost equally nice aquarium in Long Beach. You are in road trip heaven - you're in a postion to spend a weekend in Palm Springs, recuperating from your broken heart. Find the dogs a home and get out into the world.

When you come home, there will be the serenity everyone is chasing. Your own little sanctuary away from the traffic and the world. Filled with your favorite things. Decadent little pleasures you give yourself. Candles, chocolates, wines, big fuzzy kangaroo slippers? Whatever you like!

Yep, living alone is my favorite guilty pleasure. No company is better than bad company.

CB

Become the Red Hat Lady that your heart wants you to be:

WHEN I AM AN OLD WOMAN I SHALL WEAR PURPLE
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Taken from the book
When I Am An Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple
Editd by Sandra Martz
Papier Mache Press--Watsonville, California 1987
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Old 05-07-2010, 11:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post
Codependency is loud and noisy when we're alone. Do you attend any 12 step meetings or see a therapist?
no. it seems pathetic and creepy to go to al anon when he isn't even going to be in my life anymore. like, obsessive almost.

i have a therapist but i don't see him very often - he's really expensive and i don't have a lot of extra time/money on my hands you know?
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Old 05-07-2010, 11:08 PM
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Originally Posted by JMFburns View Post
Tangerine,

I'm looking at it from the other side. I'd like to be able to live on my own for awhile, doing what I want when I want, not worrying about hurting someones feelings, or wondering where they are or what they're doing.

I moved from my parents home to military barracks to marriage to kids to divorce but still with kids and have been struggling with grown kids. My son, 29 yrs old, doesn't live w/me, but struggles with drug addiction. My daughter, 26 yrs old, lives w/me and is an emotional hand full. When is it my turn to be me???

There are two sides to every story, huh? Good luck - queentree and Chino had some great thoughts.
the grass is always greener huh?
only thing is that i never really wanted to be without him and it hurts me to the core that he decided not to come back and went to rehab the next day. that i "got what i wanted" i guess, but he left me before he did it. like a slap in the face.

i hate being alone. coming home, watching tv, everything - it's just bleak. but i do see your point.
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Old 05-07-2010, 11:15 PM
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Originally Posted by tam View Post
my therapist did say that in a way we will go through mourning and I think that is pretty true.
you know, my dad killed himself when i was about 17, and i remember feeling really, really bad, but i'm going to be brutally honest here - every serious break up i've been through has felt a thousand times worse. this is going to sound really messed up, but when someone is dead they aren't out doing things without you. there isn't anything to wonder about, read too far into, speculate, over-analyze. my imagination is way too over-active and it's the not knowing part that just kills me.

Originally Posted by tam View Post
I do have many good days (more now than I used to) and now take more care of myself as well. it takes time.
I now cook,run,exercise, but that was after healing. I also allow myself to cry its okay and I am able to talk about the ordeal now (not as intense as in the beginning as I can finally do/talk about other things) which I couldnt for a long time before/after he left. Please continue getting support on here, meetings or a therapist, it really really helps. wish you the best you can do it
how do you "heal"? i've been avoiding going through the dirty laundry cause i don't want to see his clothes, and i can't look at the pictures on my phone cause they'll break me to pieces. i cry the whole way to work, put eyemakeup on after i park, and walk in and pretend everything is peachy all day.

tomorrow is saturday.
it's going to be really, really bad. he may have been an addict and we may have done some messed up things to each other, or accepted some messed up things from each other, but he...

he was my best friend. we went out one night cause we each thought the other wanted to, and when we got home to our doggies and our bed and our popsicles and our HOME, we both confessed that we'd've rather done that but thought the other really wanted to go out.

he was my best friend, man. this sucks.
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Old 05-08-2010, 05:32 AM
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i agree with cynical. i also empathize with feeling that although you guys are messed up together, your relationship has it's fair share of dysfunction, those times together, the having that person in the home, in your presence, sharing quite companionship, feels really good.

and this statement, i completely indentify with:
i let the sense of relief that i felt everytime he came home take the place of an actual resolution to the problem for 3 f-ing years,

but if there is no real resolution, it's like banging your head against a wall and wondering why you have such a headache. or not wondering at all, but still being in pain.

so...maybe you're not ready to live a healthier life, inside of a more fulfilling relationship, or outside of one, alone and at peace with yourself. it takes time, practice, and a new mindset.

thanks for posting; i hope you have some better days soon.
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