What do I say to people who have known me to be a drinker?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,006
What do I say to people who have known me to be a drinker?
Hi,
I have about 5 months in and I'm starting to get out and about in social situations.
There was one recently (a party - of sorts) where everyone was drinking and toasting. And everyone there knew that I drank in the past. I said I wasn't going to have anything, no thanks etc and no one said boo, so that was fine.
It has got me thinking though, what should I say to people who persist with asking why I won't have just one drink etc.
When I meet new people I just say I don't drink if they persist in asking why I won't have just one.
What do I say to people who know me to be a drinker? I'm not comfortable saying anything about recovery b/c that is very private.
Thoughts? Suggestions?
I have about 5 months in and I'm starting to get out and about in social situations.
There was one recently (a party - of sorts) where everyone was drinking and toasting. And everyone there knew that I drank in the past. I said I wasn't going to have anything, no thanks etc and no one said boo, so that was fine.
It has got me thinking though, what should I say to people who persist with asking why I won't have just one drink etc.
When I meet new people I just say I don't drink if they persist in asking why I won't have just one.
What do I say to people who know me to be a drinker? I'm not comfortable saying anything about recovery b/c that is very private.
Thoughts? Suggestions?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
Hey there Spryte,
It's a personal choice depending on your relationship with the person, etc. but this might help in suggesting how to handle this in many different situations...
How to Turn Down a Drink: 12 steps (with video) - wikiHow
It's a personal choice depending on your relationship with the person, etc. but this might help in suggesting how to handle this in many different situations...
How to Turn Down a Drink: 12 steps (with video) - wikiHow
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Redondo Beach, CA
Posts: 55
This is just my day one so I obviously haven't had this experience yet. But I have read the book Living Sober and I remember it having many recommendations on how to face this issue and many others. I gotta dig mine outta the sock drawer. It's where I hide my AA recovery books from myself. But over three years I haven't tossed them. Maybe that book could help.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
I have reached the stage in my recovery where if I am pressed on the issue then I'l just tell em straight that I'm a recovering alcoholic. Only if I'm pressed though obviously. I would never lie as the truth is liberating and well... The truth.
I don't drink alcohol because I'm an alcoholic. If people persist then I'l just tell them. I have nothing to fear as I'm totally comfortable in my recovery. They should be glad that I don't drink! LOL.
I don't drink alcohol because I'm an alcoholic. If people persist then I'l just tell them. I have nothing to fear as I'm totally comfortable in my recovery. They should be glad that I don't drink! LOL.
Living on a prayer
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: NC
Posts: 234
Most anyone really close to me knows I am an alcoholic that relapsed, and probably truthfully know that's why I shut myself off from them as much as possible this past year or so. None of them questioned why I started drinking again. They just kinda looked the other way when around me. I don't think they knew what to do or say. This time, I've decided to not bring up my new sobriety. I put SO much into making others proud of me last time, to what they said to me about how well I was doing, that when the new wore off and I was sober a few months I started feeling pretty lost and alone in my sobriety, I was just me again to everyone else but inside I was still having to struggle. This time, my kids and husband know, that's it. And you guys of course! My plan in any situation is to politely decline a drink, if asked again, to say I don't drink (those that know about my relapse will understand and leave it at that) and anyone that pressures me will be told I don't drink, but I'd love to have a *insert here - water, juice, soda, whatever*. If someone can't leave it at that, I really doubt I want to be around them anyway. Last thing any of us want or need is someone pushing us to knock one back.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
At 5 months sobriety, I believe I attended a wedding and left shortly after eating dinner at the reception.
If, you're not real sure of your sobriety and assholes push a drink on you, you better leave.
I found out after I quit drinking who, my friends were. My friends didn't try and push a drink on me my non friends would say, oh come on have a drink after work etc.
Being at a place where the entertainment is drinking isn't somewhere I want to be today. If these people are more then social drinkers you might have to decline the invite.
If, you're not real sure of your sobriety and assholes push a drink on you, you better leave.
I found out after I quit drinking who, my friends were. My friends didn't try and push a drink on me my non friends would say, oh come on have a drink after work etc.
Being at a place where the entertainment is drinking isn't somewhere I want to be today. If these people are more then social drinkers you might have to decline the invite.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I always made sure i left the door open when i went on one of my dry spells, for me it was important when i got sober last year that everyone from before knew why i had stopped drinking...if people who care about you dont know then they cant be blamed for tryin to twist your arms to have a few when you are in a social situation...and if people you think care about you still offer you drinks once you have told them then they dont really care about you in the first place...
New people are easy unless you get a 'smart arse' which i had a couple of weeks ago, was a great convo me and him...i said i dont drink and he asked did you ever drink and i said yes....pregnant pause...hmmm he says people that have drunk before dont usually stop without a good reason, then said oh im sorry its none of my business and i said no gowon you are onto something there and we ended up talking about alcoholism and then onto spiritual matters...good fun!
New people are easy unless you get a 'smart arse' which i had a couple of weeks ago, was a great convo me and him...i said i dont drink and he asked did you ever drink and i said yes....pregnant pause...hmmm he says people that have drunk before dont usually stop without a good reason, then said oh im sorry its none of my business and i said no gowon you are onto something there and we ended up talking about alcoholism and then onto spiritual matters...good fun!
Ch5 HOW
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 175
If I am out amongst people I dont know I just say I am the driver and no thanks.
The people I do know that I am out with have for the most part had an amends made to them, so they all know the deal. It was obvious by my behavior to others that my drinking was out of control, so I am not ashamed to tell these people i no longer drink.
It was a much bigger deal for me when this came up in early recovery than it is at this point.
The people I do know that I am out with have for the most part had an amends made to them, so they all know the deal. It was obvious by my behavior to others that my drinking was out of control, so I am not ashamed to tell these people i no longer drink.
It was a much bigger deal for me when this came up in early recovery than it is at this point.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northen Europe and France
Posts: 1,657
It depends on the social occasion.
In France, we put our hand over the glass as a sign we donīt want wine. No one says anything, itīs quite discreet.
If Iīm asked, I say: "I donīt drink alchohol." If soneone persists, I ignore it or answer simply: "I just donīt."
When I feel relaxed and going to a dinner party and the host asks me what wine I want or what coctail, I say Iīm in AA and drink only non alchohol beverages. That is usually enough and I havenīt had any problems with it for years.
Good luck.
In France, we put our hand over the glass as a sign we donīt want wine. No one says anything, itīs quite discreet.
If Iīm asked, I say: "I donīt drink alchohol." If soneone persists, I ignore it or answer simply: "I just donīt."
When I feel relaxed and going to a dinner party and the host asks me what wine I want or what coctail, I say Iīm in AA and drink only non alchohol beverages. That is usually enough and I havenīt had any problems with it for years.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Weatherfield
Posts: 40
If you drive then this is your convienent reason! Just drive to the event / party and tell people you are not drinking cos you are driving. Here in the uk there have been a few cases where people have been done for drink driving after one drink ( the drink drive level is quite low). In my previous times on the wagon I've just said I don't even have one when I'm driving cos I'm paranoid aabout being over the limit .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Sometimes I let this topic rile me up. I like the wiki link that was suggested, because it offers a good sampling of choices to use and also provides the lingo or tone.
In earlier months, like up to 3 or so, I felt like I wanted to be really open about my alcoholism and that I was working on being recovered, it was really good news about me, etc etc.
More recently, I have a more subdued approach to the topic. I am rarely out there in contexts where there is drinking anyway (only 3 in the last 6 months, and 2 of them were very calm, "non-threatening" situations for me, like at a restaurant where I would not receive prodding by others - that kind of thing). But the reason I condone the lying approach - it is lying - is that people have to protect themselves. I do not like being a big fat liar and I also see the value in "exercising" the truth and how recovery is tied to that ability. But sometimes we have to be around people we cannot trust with information loosely. Many of us know that the people we thought were friends...actually are brats, to put it mildly. When it comes to rebuilding a healthy life with strong foundations, the ability to manage your own reputation to the extent that you are capable is still worth keeping an eye on.
If a famous person comes out with something that might change opinions about them - like coming out as gay, for example, that is something to be reckoned with, and there is a risk there. People will apply the same kind of morality compass on that as they would for things like alcoholism, which has a stigma of "moral turpitude" around it. I am not that much of an idealist to be able to speak as openly about my experience with alcohol, because, frankly, too many people would "put me on the truck" (or "under the bus"). The world is not full of Mother Theresas walking around, passing out job opportunities. If they aren't going to sleep next to me for a few years, chances are they don't need to mess with my bee's wax about the drinking vs not drinking.
I do have the feelings of an idealist though, and I like to exercise those here.
In earlier months, like up to 3 or so, I felt like I wanted to be really open about my alcoholism and that I was working on being recovered, it was really good news about me, etc etc.
More recently, I have a more subdued approach to the topic. I am rarely out there in contexts where there is drinking anyway (only 3 in the last 6 months, and 2 of them were very calm, "non-threatening" situations for me, like at a restaurant where I would not receive prodding by others - that kind of thing). But the reason I condone the lying approach - it is lying - is that people have to protect themselves. I do not like being a big fat liar and I also see the value in "exercising" the truth and how recovery is tied to that ability. But sometimes we have to be around people we cannot trust with information loosely. Many of us know that the people we thought were friends...actually are brats, to put it mildly. When it comes to rebuilding a healthy life with strong foundations, the ability to manage your own reputation to the extent that you are capable is still worth keeping an eye on.
If a famous person comes out with something that might change opinions about them - like coming out as gay, for example, that is something to be reckoned with, and there is a risk there. People will apply the same kind of morality compass on that as they would for things like alcoholism, which has a stigma of "moral turpitude" around it. I am not that much of an idealist to be able to speak as openly about my experience with alcohol, because, frankly, too many people would "put me on the truck" (or "under the bus"). The world is not full of Mother Theresas walking around, passing out job opportunities. If they aren't going to sleep next to me for a few years, chances are they don't need to mess with my bee's wax about the drinking vs not drinking.
I do have the feelings of an idealist though, and I like to exercise those here.
New Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 162
I'm very new to all this & so far I have been VERY honest. A friend just asked me if I wanted to do something Saturday night (Btw, all my friends are drinking buddies) & I told him that I quit drinking & smoking--he said "why'd u quit the game?" & I said "because I can't set limits & make reoccurring dumba** decisions that I regret. U know, just eliminating the one constant factor."
I think it's better to be upfront. I felt like saying what I said would make it a little easier for him to relate & understand instead of trying to get me back "in the game".
I think it's better to be upfront. I felt like saying what I said would make it a little easier for him to relate & understand instead of trying to get me back "in the game".
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