Oddman

May 5th 2010 (Cinco de Mayo) Day 1:

I'm going to be selfish (like my drinking isn't selfish too right?) and I am starting a journal here on SR. I came back to SR (again) and read over my previous posts (been coming here for two years on and off, mostly off). I posted some, and read others and replied. It has me motivated, again. But this time I am going to keep coming back, one day at a time. I drank last night. I knew I was going to. Like a switch in my brain that knew I was going to finish those 15 beers. After 12 I was so full (I eat like crap while drinking) but I forced the other three down. I love that burp you get when you have had too much and you feel soooo much better. The burp didn't come. Not going to vomit, but definitely uncomfortable. Sleep came easily, and I was out before the Laker game was over. I have been missing a lot of the playoffs because of passing out (it's just because I'm so tired you know! *please read that facetiously*) I have been sober since 6am on May 5th 2010. I am going to go to a meeting (God how many times have I said that?) and I am turning my life over to something other than what it is right now. I don't believe in god, I find prayer difficult, as if my heart really isn't into it. My god (higher power) is currently absent, and I would like to find it. I am jealous of the people on this board and in life in general that are either sober or can drink normally. I heard on a pod-cast from an AA speaker that normal drinking was getting drunk once or twice a YEAR!! That's crazy, I do this crap every day!! My wife therefore is a normal drinker. Drinks MAYBE once a year. I need to be honest. I need to ask for help (not just type for help). I need this for me. Here is to 2 1/2 hours of sobriety. An hour at a time. I got plans tonight. Gonna clean out my bedside bookshelf, help my oldest with her homework, and read a book with my two girls, but this time patiently, not going to want to rush it to get back to the garage........I get so angry with myself sometimes.

I feel good.

I need this.

God (whatever you may be) please help me to stay clean and sober today.

Thank you

yeahgr8

Get to the meeting, at the end of the day if you are anything like i was if you handed your life and your will over to the village idiot they would do a better job of managing your life than you, i'm sure you will get a better connection to your HP soon, hopefully not the village idiot but hey see above:-)

Let us know how you get on at the meeting pls?

Oddman

Anybody would do a better job than I have, you're 110% correct! I guess I gotta find that village idiot. Thanks for the post!

least

Good for you for deciding to live sober. It takes some effort and some sacrifices, but the results are worth it.

CAPTAINZING2000

I've never underestimated the power of prayer. I sometimes wish God just snapped to it after I said a prayer though You still have to have faith and believe though!!

I was told, it took years for me to get into the shape I was in and it'll take some time to get my life back in order as well.
People come into recovery, they want a magic pill and everything all better. That's why, I believe so many people will go back out. They'd rather be numb from a bottle then, live life on life's terms.

It was worth every struggle I went through the first year or so. The best choice I've ever made was to stop drinking

Cornczech

that' the part that bothers me, " That's why, I believe so many people will go back out. They'd rather be numb from a bottle then, live life on life's terms." Life's terms blow and I DO like being numb...hurts less, right?

Good luck to you in your sobriety! d(-_-)b

HumbleBee

Hello Oddman,

I used to take sobriety 15 mins at a time - whatever it takes is what it takes.

Also found that my HP wasn't absent - *I* had walked away - my HP was still there waiting for me when I finally surrendered.

I used to look at people like they were insane when they said, I'm grateful to be an alcoholic. 'Xcuse me, what did you just say??!?

However, I've discovered that if I was never an alcoholic, I would never have learned (and continue to learn) important things like:

• How to enjoy where I'm at on the way to where I'm going.
• That real life is not what's going on around me and what I want people to see; it's what's going on within me.
• Making a decision does not automatically change my life; all decisions require positive action.
• The actions I take today will be the situations I sow tomorrow. There are consquences to my choices whether I believe that or not.
• What other people think of me is none of my business.

Is it easy? Heck, no, not always; but it was and still is, worth every single bit of the work it took to get here and continue to grow in recovery.

CAPTAINZING2000

They lock me up when, I drink given the choice of walking around on the streets or being caged up like an animal. I had to make the choice of no longer drinking.

I asked my sponsor what's the true definition of an alcoholic. His reply "the inability of guaranteeing what will happen after you start drinking"
In all honesty, I can't promise anyone what's going to happen after I start drinking. God help the poor people around me if, I start drinking and I've had a bad day!!

Anna

Hi Oddman,

I'm glad you decided to live a sober life and to keep a journal here at SR.

There is always lots of support here.

Kjell

Welcome!

Please post again tonight and let us know how you're doing on night 1. We are here to support you.

Kjell

Washburn

If your not all about the god thing. Think about it this way. You are you own Higher Power.

I went to Catholic School all my life so they kinda ruined the religion for me, but the stories/fables if interpreted for what they are (a story and no more than just a story) can teach you something or at least make you think.

You comment "God (whatever you may be) please help me to stay clean and sober today" made me think of the Footsteps Poem. Check it out...Religious or not its got a powerful message:

this link will give you 3 different version if it...
Footprints in the Sand - 3 versions, 3 authors, 1 of the most inspirational poem ever written (wowzone.com) An amazing poem in search of its author - WOW Stories & Poetry

Dee74

I'm glad you're starting this journey with us too, Oddman
D

artsoul

That's beautiful, HumbleBee. I've got to copy this and put it in my book of favorite writings.

Toronto68

Odd, I agree with the "selfish" approach, go for it and stay stopped.

Oddman

Don't fret precious I'm here, step away from the window and go back to sleep. Lay your head down child. I won't let the bogeymen come.

Counting bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums. Pay no mind to the rabble, pay no mind to the rabble. Head down, go to sleep to the rhythm of the war drums.

Pay no mind to what other voices may say, they don't care about you like I do. Safe from pain, truth, and choice, and other poison devils, see they don't give a f*** about you like I do. Just stay with me. Safe and ignorant. Go back to sleep.

I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons. I will be the one to protect you from a will to survive and a voice of reason. I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices son. One in the same, I must isolate you, isolate and save you from yourself.

Counting bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums. The bogeymen are coming. Go to sleep to the rhythm of the war drums.

Stay with me, safe and ignorant. Just stay with me. I'll be the one to protect from the other ones, the evil ones. Go back to sleep.(Maynard -a.p.c.)

Alcohol has always taken care of me. I was safe and ignorant. No more war drums! I will beat this. But not on my own......Good bye drink.....

coffeenut

Keep coming back....keep reading. You'll get there. You will.

justjo

HP, GOD ?
When I was only 9years old my mother made me go to church. I bet the Sunday School Teach dreaded me turning up. I would ask so many questions about GOD, who is he, where does he live, what does he look like and I could never get a straight answer, so guess what, I didnt believe in god.

Even though I didnt quite believe if there was a god or not, I think I am a spiritual sort of person. I have always been a thinker, my mind doesnt stop thinking. I think in my sleep haha!

Anyway,for me, now I think (here I go again) that GOD or my HP is actually my well being at peace. Does that make sense? I dont think GOD is a thing or person male or female. I think it is MY inner peace. I dont have to believe in a GOD, I have to believe in MYSELF and when I do that, boy, things just start happening. I start to notice things I normally wouldnt and I do things I normally wouldnt.

Thats the only way I can explain my HP. Oh, but I am naughty sometimes.

OH and keep doing those journals!

Oddman

Thank you so much justjo......................I think you made my day and it's only 7:30 in the morning!! My inner peace as my HP. I like it! I hope it comes to me sooner than later!