froglegs

So, I have this horrible pattern that I always do when a relationship I am in comes to an end.

I have NEVER been without a partner. From age 15 to present the total down time I have had away from someone (not in a relationship) has been about 2 weeks. I left my first husband on a Monday and met current STBAXH on a Thursday. I work pretty fast. I have never had "one date" I either end up dating them for years or marry them.

Anyway, I have recently found myself going back to my old pattern and I am trying to figure out why. Here is what I do... I Google or now Facebook I guess anyone that I cared about from my past. I look for the ones that I broke up with, that I know would love to hear from me and I email them. I don't ever say I am divorced or ask them out or anything like that, but I email them in hopes to get a response, and when I do I feel better.

So far I have done this 2 times in the last week. Once with a childhood friend, we ended up talking for about 3 hours, nothing came of it but it made me feel desired maybe? Then, again with a guy I dated in college, same thing really happy to hear from me, we talked and then I let it go.

Whenever I go through a break up I go backward and try to connect with people from my past. I am not looking for a relationship or anything like that, so it's not clear why I do this....attention from the opposite sex maybe? Are the people from my past "safe" to me?

I want to break this pattern and really work on building my self esteem and meeting "new" people eventually, not keep resorting back to the people I already know because they are safe....

Any suggestions on why I might be doing this, and how to break this pattern?

Thanks

Hadassah

I think the fact that you are Aware of you behavior is a big step forward. If your not aware of what your doing , you can't change anything.
I have not acted on any thoughts, but I too, feel myself being drawn back in by those old habits, to be co dependent on someone else.
The next time you feel like contacting an old love, or possible new love, take a step back and realize what you are doing.
You can make it by your self, don't let another oppertunity to work on yourself and change the old behavior to better behavior, go by. You don't need anyone in your life to make you whole, and I think you know this, but its scary to have to depend on yourself for everything.
We are all here for you, take care, H

Goodtillitsbad

I know how you feel. I don't know if you have a HP, but I had a revelation the other day. I was tempted to reach out to old friends and XBF's and maybe even go on a dating website. But I didn't. My revelation was that I need need need to work on me and my HP can be my confidant, friend, "lover" if only I let him/her. My HP can support me and my growth as a strong human being much better than anyone on earth.
Just some food for thought.
Hugs and congrats on recognizing - It's about progress not perfection.

kittykitty

I do this as well... after a break up I've gotten back together with men I dated before, only to break up with them again (usually for the same reasons I did the first time)
These poor guys, why do they put up with me? Must be cuz I'm so damn cute.... lol

But seriously, i do think it has to do with security, and making ourselves feel better. Like putting your fishing pole in the water to see if you can catch a fish, even if you're just going to throw it back. And half the time, I find myself thinking, "things will be different this time"... i forget the reasons I broke up with him in the first place. All i remember is, "well he wasn't near as bad as the so and so I just broke up with, so maybe we should try again". Doh!

In our al anon meeting last night, we talked about attitudes. Attitudes towards people, situations, ourselves, problems, etc. My attitude towards myself affects my choices in men. I have decided that my picker is busted, and it needs to be sent in for repairs before it is used again. The men that I am attracted to, and are attracted to me, all have issues, usually addicts of some sort, or very needy, whatever. Co dependants such as myself attract addicts, it's like we have a sign over our heads that says CODIE.

So until i'm further into my recovery, i don't trust any man that I find myself attracted to. At this point, there MUST be something wrong with him if I find that I'm attracted to him; my track record speaks for itself. I don't think i've ever had a relationship with someone who was a healthy functioning member of society. hhhhmmmmm, yup, alcoholics, potheads, oh and that one guy who had a wife in another state i didn't know about, and he was addicted to painkillers. Yup, a bunch of real winners. If i put on my special xray glasses I could have seen the sign above their head that said LOSER. I need to carry those around with me more, instead of leaving them on my dresser all the time.

Ceres

I don't go backwards (except for that ONE guy). Anyway, I do move forward to a fault. I'm finding out! I was actually on Facebook today, wondering if so-and-so had anyone in mind I could date. :-D

LS2

Thanks for bringing this up, I can really relate! I almosted messaged on FB my ex from 6 years ago and when I thought about it I deleted the message. I keep thinking in my mind about this person and have major PSTD when I think of the stuff he has done to hurt me! I almost think I am crazy! why would I want taht for myself or for my kids. I truely think if I didn't have my children I would be running around searching for the next most unhealthy man.

I think it's just werid that I keep having dreams about this Ex and it bothers me alot.

Then that is what makes me think I should Email him. Good lord what am I doing.

MsPINKAcres

what I learned in recovery is if

I want something different I have to be willing to do something different!

SO that is what I did.

The last 1 1/2 I was with my ex AH - I knew it wasn't going to last. I prayed daily for the sign from the God of my understanding to be to leave; I just kept getting the message "It's not time yet, wait"

So while I was waiting - I thru myself into working on ME. I did lots of step work and self-discovery. What did I want in my life? Who am I? Why am I the way I am? It was painful and yet freeing and healing. It was like going thru the divorce and healing process before I ever walked out the door.

Then when I did finally get the message it was time to go - I was ready for something different. I has asked my HP when He was ready to bring me to a new relationship - let it happen. If not I was fine with it. I had that inner peace.

My current BF is so different than anyone I have ever dated - but yet when I read my journals - he is exactly what I have always wanted in a partner.

I just had to allow so much to be healed in ME to be able to see with healthier eyes, heart and mind.

It was worth the work.

Yes, If you want something different, you have to be willing to do something different!

HUGS,
Rita

froglegs

Thanks for the replies.... Glad I am not alone in feeling this way.

When we say "work on me" what exactly does that mean?
How do you work on yourself? Journal? Read books? Take walks? Pray?

Since I have been in a CODIE relationship pretty much all my life I have absolutely no idea what taking time for me, or working on me means...

I know it is time to make a change, and what I have always done isn't working anymore. I like waiting for HP to bring someone to you, and not go out seeking someone on FB or Google...I like that concerpt...a lot!

MsPINKAcres

yes to all of the above and more

I guess for me it was like a LONG 4th step.

But it really wasn't all bad - I found out had a lot of GOOD qualities and that I make a really GOOD partner/mate. Learned how to manage my emotional outburst, take care of my needs (HALT-hungry, angry, lonely, tired) AND That I didn't have to just latch on to the first person that paid any attention to me.

I found out that I tended to ignore the RED Flags early in a relationship until I was so emotionally invested that it was hard to walk away.

So I prayed for clear eyes; the ability to see the reality of situations - whether they involved me or not. I was amazed at how I began to actually SEE the world around me.

I journaled about my "Prince Charming" bwah ha ha ha and found I wasn't really sure what I wanted in a male companion. So then I got to start thinking about what did I want in my BF/husband? A clean slate so to say.

I read about BALANCE, respect and setting boundaries - it provided great tools.

I truly don't believe I would have the wonderful relationship I have now if the God of my understanding had not walked me down that path of self-discovery and healing!

HUGS to you!
Rita