iwantcontrol

Things kind of came to a head for me this morning. I dont like the way I reacted to a situation, and I had a bit of a mini breakdown I suppose you could say. I got so upset and just spent ages walking. I told him through the tears that I can't do this anymore. Once I'd calmed down a bit I suggested we have a break from us for a while and he said if thats what I need then we can. We are still a couple, but we are going to have a break from seeing each other and being so involved. It hurts. A lot. I feel so upset and alone. I don't even know if I can do it. But I'm going to try.

I'm already worrying about him. I dont think he's going to go back to the psych today and it scares me. How am I supposed to just forget about him now? He's been constantly on my mind for so long I don't know how to stop thinking about him.

coffeedrinker

this is similar to my relationship journey. first i told him i needed him to not live here anymore - he needed to work on his recovery, on his own. then i detached A LOT, but we were still seeing each other regularly. it felt good to go home, be in it without him because i was better able to live MY life without him intruding (in my head, not physically) into it all the time. then, i told him if i was going to be with an addict, that addict needed to be functioning on a higher level. that he could work his program however he saw fit, but for me, i had to be around someone who was working the steps, going to meetings, because i would see it in his actions, in his demeanor. i was sad. he wasn't the man he used to be, nor the man that i wanted for myself.

we still have contact, but it is winding down. i don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today, i am more at peace (with some relapses!) and feel free to live my life the way i am envisioning.

it's the hardest thing i've ever done.

for me, baby steps have worked better than cold turkey.

it's scary.

i think that if you have no contact for a few days, it will do wonders for you. the trick is to have NO contact, because even the text messages keep you hooked.

peace....

iwantcontrol

something thats worrying me is that he is the winner in this situation again. While i'm sitting here crying and worrying, he is getting the space he's asked for, the space to carry on drinking without the nagging or having to worry about me or what I think. Seems like i'm doing something for myself at last but it benefits him more than me anyway. Think I need another walk. We aren't going no contact exactly. I dont know what we're doing really. It's just a break from each other. I need to think about what I need that to mean. Whether its just that we dont speak so much or see each other at all. I didnt really think it through before I said it, so now I'm stuck in a sort of limbo of my own making. I think its the right thing to do - to take a break from the situation, but I cant help wondering if its only him that is going to benefit.

barb dwyer

Hardly.
This is the time to go within
with or without help...
and learn about your SELF.
Why does someone else's needs come before your own?
Who is this guy anyway?

that kind of thing.

This is when you surround yourself with others who have been there, done that -
and who have learned HOW to let the people they love

learn their own lessons.
carry their own weight.
take responsibility for their OWN recovery.

It's just loving them at a distance for a while.

But you've got to be doing YOUR best as well.

We're here.
you're not really alone in this, hon.

sesh

I don't think you're supposed to forget about him, but for both of your sakes maybe you're supposed to try understand you can not help him. Only he can do it.
Sorry I'm blunt here. I was were you are for the logest time ever, but at some point I've realized he was only a part of the problem, the rest of it was me. Me, who coulnd't get it into my thick head he's a separate person, he can do with his life whatever he pleases regardless of how poor his choices might be.
Once I started working on myself, trying to figure out why I'm the way I am, why am I so desperately in need of someone make me feel complete, things started to get better for me.
So I realized I've spent too much time crying why am I banging my head against the wall, only to realize there are other options there, maybe I don't like them, but they are there: I could keep my head banging and cry in vain or I can more away from the wall, as one thing is for sure: The wall is not moving because I'm banging on it.
I know it's hard. You're not supposed to stop caring for him, but sure as hell you're supposed to start caring for youself.
Sorry if this sounds harsh. I wish you best.

iwantcontrol

thanks, i think when I get back from my walk i will try to write some thoughts down - I might try writing about how he has made me feel in the past (good and bad) to give me the strength to get through some time alone. you're right - why should i keep putting him first when he never puts me first?
in my previous relationship i had someone who pretty much always put me first and truly cared about me. He would never treat me like this guy has, and in the 8 years we were together I cant remember him ever calling me a nasty name or swearing at me. I deserve to be treated like that again. I need to get my head round the facts - that my ABF has not treated me well and is not showing he cares about me. If I can hold onto the anger I stand a better chance of making it successfully through some time apart.

posiesperson

I made a list as well. It was INVALUABLE because every time I wanted to contact my exA I made a promise TO MYSELF that I would read through the list first, and then I could contact if I really wanted to. After I read through the list the desire to contact vanished since I was looking at the "reality" of being in relationship with this crazy-making A (is that redundant?). I didn't want to journey into that pain again for the sake of a 20 minute emotional "fix" for myself--it just wasn't worth the pain for hours and days afterward.

Today makes 4 weeks since I broke it off with my exA. I can't believe how much better I feel. There are no words, really...I'm living for myself for the first time in my life.

There is so much more than pain on the other side of this, IWC. I had people telling me that on here and I couldn't quite believe it but had faith that they were right. They WERE right and I am so grateful. Keep posting and being honest with yourself. You're doing great!

posie

kittykitty

The list idea is great... i've used it before as well, and it is a great deterrent in times of weakness.

I'm so happy to hear that you are finally going to try and put yourself first. Realizing and removing yourself from an unhealthy situation, even if it is a little bit at a time, is better than continuing in agony. Nothing you have done to "help" him has worked so far, and in the process has damaged you to a serious degree. I'm glad you finally recognize this.

Good luck and we are always here for you.

Thumper

She is so right about the text messages/email/etc. It is so easy to get hooked. I have to have some contact. It is so hard. No contact is truly the kindest thing you can do for yourself right now. It doesn't have to be forever. You can change your mind about anything.

No he's not. You are doing this for yourself. Anything you do for yourself makes you the winner. You might not feel like it now but when you look back, you will see it and you will feel it. Doing the right thing for yourself always makes you the winner.

I was where you are at for a very very very long time. I should have taken some 'no contact' time at that point - so I could think clearly and get some footing on what was going on with me. I did not. I stayed....and it nearly destroyed me. The love evaporated and I still stayed. I began to detest him..and I still stayed. I hated myself...and I still stayed. Years were wasted. Children were born :cry: I became mired deeper and deeper in codependency. I feel so damaged as person now, like I'll never be fit for another relationship. Like I will never even want one.

Do not let that be you. Find recovery for yourself. Find it now - you deserve it. You've taken the first step in asking for some space. Don't shy away - keep fighting for yourself. Finding recovery is not about ending or staying in a relationship. It is about becoming a healthy person so you can make a decision that you can live with, a decision that is good for you personally.

You can have what you want IWC. You can have it, you just have to look in the right place.

LS2

That was very moving for me-Thank you. You have such great words, seriously...I am sitting here in tears as that made me really think deeply.

stella27

I have some observations but they will sound like tough love.

Tel me if you want to hear them.

iwantcontrol

stella - yes please. i'd like all opinions.

iwantcontrol

right now I just want to keep hiding away in my own little bubble. I had a walk and I might do some exercise now or force myself to do some hobby things or something, even though I feel like sitting in a ball pretending to watch the TV.

Bolina

I read your other thread, iwc, and I am sorry you are going through the mill at the moment. My ex did something similar to try and get me hooked in and do something he wanted me to do but it didn't work because I was long gone by then. Needless to say, it was nonsense. I seem to remember someone else on here had the whole fake cancer thing from their ex too, so it is certainly not unusual.

What concrete plans have you got for this break? I don't just mean how you will occupy yourself, but also what will you do when he calls, texts or turns up. What does the idea of a break look like to you?

I was browsing through the stickies the other day and found these two that you might find useful.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rty-lines.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

stella27

Here is my tough-love opinion:

1. Your username is "I want control". You can have control. Of YOU and your life. It is there for the taking. All that is required is that you let go of trying to control HIM. his life, his recovery, his depression, his drinking, his doctors' appointments, his breakdowns, his other girlfriends, his joblessness, his rehab, his inpatient treatment, his friends, his time at the pub.

2. You expressed a concern that he would be WINNING if you left him to his own devices.

You have placed him in a competition with you for who gets to have what they want. You are LOSING. You have been LOSING for a long time. He is and has been winning with every single second you spend focusing on him and what he is doing.

Beyond that, what you have been engaged in is not a LOVE relationship. You haven't loved him. You have been trying to control him and fight with him. Maybe he turned you into a mud wrestler or maybe you have always enjoyed fighting. I don't know, but the fact that you have been concerned with whether he wins by getting away from you is a statement that you don't love him - you just want to smother him.

It's not nice or loving whatsoever.

iwantcontrol

stella - i only said that because i've been so angry with him lately. I want him to suffer a bit like I have been i guess. I do love him and thats another reason i think we need a break - so that he can be free to make his own decisions without me in his ear, and to give him the respect to make his own decisions.
still trying to work out what a break looks like for me - i will read through those thread, thanks bolina

stella27

1. You can decide to stop suffering. Any time you want to.

2. Love does not wish suffering on the beloved.

You don't love him. You are trying to force yourself into his life so that he will be grateful. It ain't gonna happen.

This is my interpretation based strictly on what you have said.

stella27

anvil, we think alike.

coffeedrinker

during my worst times, i isolated. i would be pleased when my daughter was away for the night, away for the weekend. i would stay home and smoke, ruminate, not do anything productive, and certainly not socialize. but, when something came up that i couldn't really not go to, i'd go and ya know what?
it felt GREAT! it made me feel my worth - that there are people that cherish me, and want me around, and for those minutes or hours, i felt like my old self again.

then,

rinse, repeat.

what a crappy cycle to be in.

just a reminder to try and get out and be with people WHO LOVE YOU, to.

kittykitty

stella and anvilhead...

thank you