Also letting go of 22 year old daughter

Old 05-04-2010, 06:54 PM
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Also letting go of 22 year old daughter

I've been reading a number of posts today about parents letting their child go and decided to add my own. Our daughter, a heroin addict, has been told she has until June 1st to leave home. I have no idea where she will go and I fear what evils may be awaiting her out there.

I know I did not cause her to use, to lie, and to steal but, right now, I feel I have failed.

I believe God is loving, watchful and powerful to save but, right now, I feel He's turned away.

I understand how it is often through suffering that we become stronger but, right now, I cannot see one step in front of me.

For those of you who've been through this, how do you best love your child once they are gone? Or do you stop focusing on that, and begin to love yourself again....
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Old 05-04-2010, 07:40 PM
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I know what you mean by " feel like He's turned away"
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Old 05-04-2010, 07:47 PM
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My mother had me legally estranged and out on my arse at fifteen.

I didn’t go out and realise the first night or even the first year ‘Hell, I need to sort myself out.’ I won’t lie. I experienced horrors and tragedies I’m still can’t face, and I started out a drug user and drunk and became a heroin addict...but we all have to reach our own rock bottom.

Now twenty-two years old, I’ve my own place, pay my bills, am a post graduate student, clean, sober and working my arse off to keep it that way.

And my relationship with my mother? She came to visit last year and we’re, for the first time, working on our relationship. It means more to me than I know how to articulate; I love her...and I respect her, despite her vices, for giving me a chance to stand on my own two feet....for being a force that taught me, addict or otherwise, my life is my responsibility.

She still won’t do the same for my brother. He’s thirty and still living with her. She says he ain’t as strong as me. Maybe, but he’ll never get the chance to prove her wrong or get tough as long as she keeps bailing him out. Ok, he’ll never fail, but he’ll never get the opportunity to see if he can succeed either.

I won’t have him living with me –or even visiting- because I wont enable him. I have too much faith in him, even if he doesn’t. Like my mum did with me, I practice tough love to one day be able to face my big bro and say ‘I told you so’. The alternative is a funeral...in two years or ten, he ain’t living and he ain’t happy. I support him, but I’ll never enable him...I’d rather my brother died trying than lived failing, because I love him.

I know how simple that sounds and how hard that is...

I’m not a mother (I won’t pretend I know what it is to be a mother), but I know what it is to be an addict and to lose the people you love most.... I know what it’s like to practice tough love.

It is a huge risk. I won’t lie, but what chance did they have of making anything of themselves without at least being given that opportunity?

I live with that choice everyday...and with the grief of those I love who didn’t succeed.

All the best, Hope. Keep faith and –whatever you decide- stand by it. You ain't alone.
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Old 05-04-2010, 11:20 PM
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My parents didn't throw me out
in order to make me grow up

they died.

So I was irreversibly put out on my own
at twenty
with two sons.

When my own sons became unmanageable
i cut them loose as well.

it was without saying hands down no argument
the hardest thing I've ever done.

I had no personal support
and lost all interest in everything...
until *I* finally drank
like the alcoholic I was born to be.

If you are TRULY going to cut your daughter free
fre to fly or free to fall

I advise you to be secure in your own sustem of support.
Because you're ARE going to hurt.

But if you've prayed about this decision
like I did
and you are sure you are doing the right thing...
sure it is the ONLY thing you know to do ....

then do it and do NOT look back.

There can be no room for regret.

Fifteen years later

BOTH my sons
clearly stated
that they'd never known me to do ANYTHING that I didn't completely
believe was the Right. Thing. To Do.

The greatest compliment I've ever received from them.
And never ONCE in all that time
did I doubt Id done the right thing.

Today they are both
responsible, mature men...
no criminal activity
no drugs or alcohol abuse ...

and they BOTH credit that to me.

But sister -

There can not be a harder road to walk alone.
Spare yourSELF that .. by finding a strong resource circle
and stucking with it.
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Old 05-05-2010, 01:57 AM
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In better days my son said he knew we loved him even in his worst times. That meant a lot to me and still does.

Letting go doesn't mean we stop loving them, it means we love them enough to let them find their own way and maybe save their own lives.

Living with us never worked, we tried many times, but it just made using easier for him, using and stealing and lieing and acting out causing chaos in our safe place, our home.

We are not their only option, we're not even a good one. There are detox facilities, rehabs, and sober living homes where they can have support, counseling and have a safe place to live while they begin recovery. They have a choice, and these are all better ones than living at home and using.

I remember the founder of this site, a recovering addict named Jon, once telling me that I just might love my son right into his grave. That's exactly what I was doing.

I will keep your daughter in my prayers, that she finds a good path and beats her addiction as so many others have done.

Hugs
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Old 05-05-2010, 02:19 AM
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Letting go doesn't mean we stop loving them, it means we love them enough to let them find their own way and maybe save their own lives.
thank you Ann. Well said. Loved the whole post. that's EXACTLY it. Loving them to death is what shocked/scared me into making the choices I did even tho I wasn't equipped emotionally or mentally do do it without great pain - I just knew it was what HAD to be done.

You said it WAY better.
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Old 05-05-2010, 08:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Hope44 View Post
I have no idea where she will go and I fear what evils may be awaiting her out there.
My 22 year old RAD always knew where the Salvation Army and local shelters are located. She knew where the local detox facility was. When her former BF recently relapsed, I said I hope he knows how to find help if/when he wants to get clean, because all his previous relapses ended up in jail. She told me addicts always know where to go to find help.

I'll include your daughter in my prayers, that the Creator protects her from harm. You're also in my prayers, that the Creator guides you to serenity.
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Old 05-05-2010, 08:43 AM
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Just reading and re-reading over the replies this morning and want to say thank you. As others have stated before me, your support means ALOT. I am trying to be strong here... but sometimes it just feels right to let the pain rise, let the tears come, and confess I am NOT strong. I can NOT handle this. And that is okay. As a mother, it is my heart to nurture and protect my children... and yet our home has turned into place of stress, worry, fear, and danger. There is a battle raging for my daughter's soul and I don't think I will ever feel 100% sure that it is the BEST thing to kick her out but - I have 100% faith in God. This is not to say that doubts don't come... times when I will pray and ask, "Are you sure, God? Am I hearing you right?" but the confirmation always returns, again and again, "Yes, I am. And yes, you are."

So thankful for this community of support.
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Old 05-05-2010, 08:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Hope44 View Post
Just reading and re-reading over the replies this morning and want to say thank you. As others have stated before me, your support means ALOT. I am trying to be strong here... but sometimes it just feels right to let the pain rise, let the tears come, and confess I am NOT strong. I can NOT handle this. And that is okay. As a mother, it is my heart to nurture and protect my children... and yet our home has turned into place of stress, worry, fear, and danger. There is a battle raging for my daughter's soul and I don't think I will ever feel 100% sure that it is the BEST thing to kick her out but - I have 100% faith in God. This is not to say that doubts don't come... times when I will pray and ask, "Are you sure, God? Am I hearing you right?" but the confirmation always returns, again and again, "Yes, I am. And yes, you are."

So thankful for this community of support.
I totally agree with you as I too am struggling with totally detaching from my daughter. In the past 9 mons. I have her children, and I have let her remain homeless, not enabled, filed for custody of her girls, etc. All of that I was ok with, but the more I continue to do this, the worse she is getting, now not being able to remain sober at all for any period of time, including inpatient rehab. Her downward spiral I fear will end in death. And like you said, as a mother, it is in our hearts to nuture and protect them, which is what I am doing for her girls. I can't do it for her. It's an internal battle for me, and while I know I'm strong, I do cry sometimes, but crying does not mean I am not strong, it means that I am a human being, with feelings. So don't worry about your crying, you are strong, you just feel!

When my RAH left me 9 mos. ago, he was on his deathbed, he truly was. He was malnurished, I'm sure his liver was giving out (he has alcoholic liver disease and had been on his deathbed twice before), his downward spiral was so bad, worst I'd ever seen it, and funny thing is I never wanted to leave him cause I didn't want him to die alone. God was there for me in that one, my RAH left me and went to our place upstate, where he chose to drink himself to death and die alone. Instead, he got 3 dwi's in one week and is now sober 6 mos. That taught me a big lesson in faith. I put 100% trust in God, I really do. We may not understand his reasons for things, but we have to have faith that it will work out the way it is supposed to.

I'm here for you if you ever want to chat. In the meantime (((((BIG HUGS)))))
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