queenteree

Hi All,
I posted a few weeks ago about my AD and her drug issues, family court case, cps case, and I have temporary custody of her kids right now for a month. Like I said in previous post, I usually post over at f&f of alcoholics, as my husband is a recovering alcoholic.

I'm in a little dilemma, and any opinions you can give me would be greatly appreciated. I've had my AD's two daughters since Sept, when CPS placed them with me on what they call a "private plan". Two months ago, I petitioned for custody, and my D entered family court treatment court, was to go IOP and report to treatment court once a week. The judge put off my custody petition due to the fact that my husband is, in the judge's words, "an alcoholic" who did get 3 dwi's within one week, in Sept. I made it known to the judge that at the time my H got those DWI's, he was not living at my home, I had filed separation papers and he was living 200 miles away from us (me and my granddaughters). She did not seem to care, just wanted to "preserve the mother's rights to get her children back quickly" because I am married to an alcoholic. He has been sober 6 mos. now, attends outpatient treatment 3 x a week, goes to AA meetings, and is on 3 years probation for the dwi's. He is doing well so far. But I can understand where the judge is coming from in this one with respect to that.

In any event, my daughter has now been kicked out of 3 outpatient programs in 2 mons., plus two weeks ago, she went inpatient, and was kicked out of there last Fri cause she tested positive for drugs (they had a feeling she was high the whole time she was there). She claimed they were "medicating" her, but she was very out of it, slurring even on the phone when she'd call. She also tried to tell me that while she was inpatient, she "shared a cigarette" with an HIV positive girl who had sores on her mouth, so the inpatient center gave her something to prevent HIV. She said this is why she was also discharged. I don't know if that's true or not at all, since she is a compulsive liar. She supposedly is now at the county hospital in their detox unit, after living on the streets again for the weekend. She called me the other day and told me they want to put her on methadone cause she had taken vicodin. Now, I never heard of this before. Heroin/methadone, yes, vicodin/methadone no. But I don't know drug addicts, I can be wrong. My opinion is, she wants to be "legally" medicated for the rest of her life. Or, she can be a heroin addict also. I told her not to call me or her kids until she completes a 30 day inpatient treatment program. After that she can call us after she is 60 days clean/sober.

In any event, her drugs of choice was vicodin, xanax, and crack, mixed in with some ambien, not to sleep, but to be zoned out while awake. I know this sounds crazy!!!! At least to me anyway. But now I'm wondering, can she also be doing heroin too??? I mean, can one person do all these drugs??? Like I said, I know alcoholism, but really don't know much about drug addiction or drugs. And if this be the case, and considering she is homeless, has lost all her belongings, her family, friends, her own children, and she is still using, what is going to be her bottom? I have let go, I really have. I've let her be homeless, I've not taken her phone calls, I haven't let her speak to her kids, I've gone no contact (only sometimes, due to court and cps, I need to speak w/her, but I've since straightened that out w/cps, they will try and contact her directly). But I fear her bottom will be death, and she will leave behind 2 little girls who will be devasted (she was a good mom up until two years ago). And I usually don't even think about my daughter, I really don't at all, but in the last couple of days, I don't have a good feeling, and I was actually thinking of writing Dr. Phil or something about her, in a one last ditch effort to get her help she truly needs before she does die, which I think will only be a matter of time.

Any words of wisdom will be appreciated. I'm sure you all know how hard it is when it's your own child .... Thanks.

hello-kitty

(((hugs)))



Your daughter is right where she needs to be right now - obviously not in recovery - but she is definitely working towards achieving her bottom. Try not to awfulize it. It just is what it is. There's always hope for recovery. But that doesn't mean you have to be pulled down with her and take a front row seat to her addiction.

I am glad you are trying to get custody of the children. Please don't give up. Your daughter doesn't sound like she is fit to be a mother right now.

keep the focus on you and the little girls. They are the innocent victims in all this.

And you can post here more often if you want too. :-0 We'd love to have you.

Do you go to al-anon? The same principals that apply to dealing with alcoholics, apply to dealing with addicts.

cece1960

(((queenteree)))
There's no way around the sadness that watching our addicted children brings us. About the only thing I've found I can do is try very hard not to live in the sadness. Regardless of how I feel, it doesn't change the outcome, which is something none of us can predict.

My son has been through things that I certainly would consider my bottom, but apparently it hasn't been his. His DOC would gladly be vicodin, but the expense has caused him to retrun to heroin. My experience tells me that addicts are often not picky when it comes to a DOC. My experience also tells me that the two are equal in the ability to destroy lives.

About the only thing that I can do is trust that there is a "plan" that exists at a much higher level than I have control of, and let the plan unfold.

I can't say this doesn't cause me sadness at times, but at last that sadness is not all consuming.

Your grandchildren are very lucky to have you in their lives, and congrats to your husband for his six months.

(((Hugs)))

queenteree

(((hello-kitty))) Thank you. I do attend Alanon, have for a few years now, along w/therapy, individual and group for co-dependency, for over 1 1/2 years now also. I think I do pretty well detaching, I can let go and let God, and have been doing it for a long time now w/RAH and now w/AD. But sometimes when I watch the show "intervention" and the interventionist is like "she's gonna die", I just dont' want it on my head that I didn't try to do one last thing to help her.
But you are right, she needs to dig a hole to her bottom, whatever that can be, and all I can do is leave it in God's hands. Thanks for your words of wisdom.

queenteree

Wow Anvilhead, you always hit the nail on the head. I've always appreciated your posts. I guess I just can't understand the addict mentality, I know it's the same for alcoholics, but I just don't understand it when precious children are involved. I would think this would have been her bottom, cause I know what a good mom she was at one point. I just didn't understand "fiend mode".

Cece, You're right, I have to trust that there is a higher plan, and let it go. I did that w/my RAH while he was active, no contact, no worries...just let it go, and let HP's plan fall into place as it should. And it did. It's just hard to do it with my own child, but then again, she's not too concerned about her own children, is she?

I do trust that there is a plan in place by HP, and it is unfolding as it should. I just get concerned with all the drugs she is taking about an overdose/death. But guess it has to be in God's hands now, and my utmost priority are my granddaughters. I just don't know how to explain all this to them. They are in counseling, but the counselor doesn't even seem to explain it to them, and I know they are confused, just last month during a supervised visit, their mom told them she and their dad (who is an alcoholic and terminated his parental rights 7 years ago and never paid child support nor saw them) were getting back together and they were all going to live happily ever after by the end of May. That is why I have not allowed them contact with her anymore. They get too disappointed and confused.

Thanks everyone. Hugs to you all!