quick update and question
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 69
quick update and question
So I 've posted here two or three times now about a friend I am romantically interested in but not involved in a relationship yet.
After a week shy of two years clean, he relapsed. Then he relapsed a week later. He told me today over lunch that he has actually been relapsing every weekend for the past month...ever since the first relapse.
1. He said he feels in a good place now because he no longer sees any benefits to using.
2. He also said that he was debating whether or not to tell me about all of his relapse instances because he didn't want me to make him regret telling me. I guess this means he didn't want me to give him a hard time.
Frankly, these two statements don't seem to go together. If 1 were true, than he wouldn't care about 2. I also think 2 is incredibly manipulative, and the only reason I didn't say so is that I need to think about how I want to confront him on it. Statement 2 indicates that he will only continue to be honest with me if I don't give him a hard time...which means he has not decided to restart his recovery program.
He did a better job of hiding the last couple of relapses from me...the first couple of times I could easily tell. He is no longer relapsing; he is entering another active addiction phase.
When he says something that I know is either manipulative or just not truthful, should I confront him on it?
Maybe he's under the delusion that I will start a relationship with an active addict. I will not. How blunt should I be in telling him this?
He is just not committed to his recovery at this point in time. He's not going to meetings; I suspect he is not talking to his sponsor. This is very sad.
After a week shy of two years clean, he relapsed. Then he relapsed a week later. He told me today over lunch that he has actually been relapsing every weekend for the past month...ever since the first relapse.
1. He said he feels in a good place now because he no longer sees any benefits to using.
2. He also said that he was debating whether or not to tell me about all of his relapse instances because he didn't want me to make him regret telling me. I guess this means he didn't want me to give him a hard time.
Frankly, these two statements don't seem to go together. If 1 were true, than he wouldn't care about 2. I also think 2 is incredibly manipulative, and the only reason I didn't say so is that I need to think about how I want to confront him on it. Statement 2 indicates that he will only continue to be honest with me if I don't give him a hard time...which means he has not decided to restart his recovery program.
He did a better job of hiding the last couple of relapses from me...the first couple of times I could easily tell. He is no longer relapsing; he is entering another active addiction phase.
When he says something that I know is either manipulative or just not truthful, should I confront him on it?
Maybe he's under the delusion that I will start a relationship with an active addict. I will not. How blunt should I be in telling him this?
He is just not committed to his recovery at this point in time. He's not going to meetings; I suspect he is not talking to his sponsor. This is very sad.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
well shoot, i'm sorry. by the way, he's not relapsing every weekend, that's called active drug use.
how about just walking away? he doesn't have much to offer, he's been deceptive, he's using drugs, anything else out of his mouth is flat out bs. How about just Thanks but No Thanks and be done?
how about just walking away? he doesn't have much to offer, he's been deceptive, he's using drugs, anything else out of his mouth is flat out bs. How about just Thanks but No Thanks and be done?
I am at a point where I care about him enough that it is hard to simply walk away. Maybe that's what I need to do anyway.
I am at least not doing the typical co-dependent things like offer to go to an AA meeting with him or to take him to his sponsor. I've been reading Codependent No More. It has been enlightening and I am using some of the lessons I am learning from the book in my dealings with my friend.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
oshkosh,
i think anvil is right on here. his addiction is alive and well, and it seems that he feels that if he owns up to it, and tells you that he's ready to be done, then all is good.
you are still struggling whether to cross the line into a full-fledged relationship. but let's think about what you know, and what you said:
you know he is not working a program
you said you will not enter into a relationship with someone who is not doing the above.
case closed?
i think anvil is right on here. his addiction is alive and well, and it seems that he feels that if he owns up to it, and tells you that he's ready to be done, then all is good.
you are still struggling whether to cross the line into a full-fledged relationship. but let's think about what you know, and what you said:
you know he is not working a program
you said you will not enter into a relationship with someone who is not doing the above.
case closed?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
oshkosh,
i think anvil is right on here. his addiction is alive and well, and it seems that he feels that if he owns up to it, and tells you that he's ready to be done, then all is good.
you are still struggling whether to cross the line into a full-fledged relationship. but let's think about what you know, and what you said:
you know he is not working a program
you said you will not enter into a relationship with someone who is not doing the above.
case closed?
i think anvil is right on here. his addiction is alive and well, and it seems that he feels that if he owns up to it, and tells you that he's ready to be done, then all is good.
you are still struggling whether to cross the line into a full-fledged relationship. but let's think about what you know, and what you said:
you know he is not working a program
you said you will not enter into a relationship with someone who is not doing the above.
case closed?
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