My spirit is not free
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 118
My spirit is not free
I'm pretty miserable today.
I don't get to plan a life. I don't get to dream and set goals to achieve or not achieve. My daughter was asked to leave her group home on Sunday and has not surfaced yet. She will soon, but I am not free, pysically or in spirit to explore a life of my own because I have to be here for my daughter.
No one ever said parenting would be easy and it is a lot of heartache. I'm just having a whole lot of heartache today and needed to share. Today the choice between parenting and living my own life is leaving me feeling so sad. For me there is no choice - parenting is the way I have to go.
My spirit and dreams are just not on the same track. Whatever dreams I have seem to just be momentary diversions from reality with no chance of ever coming to be. It feels really horrible. My dreams keep falling to the wayside as her immediate needs take center stage.
Am I supposed to only dream of sobriety in my world so that we can end this drug madness and go on with our lives? I cannot focus 100% on this girl and keep my sanity. It may never end weather I give 100% or not.
She'll show up and my spirit will be renewed. Soon I'll begin to dream again, but today they all went bye bye, as they will the next time she goes out.
Thanks for the venue,
cb
I don't get to plan a life. I don't get to dream and set goals to achieve or not achieve. My daughter was asked to leave her group home on Sunday and has not surfaced yet. She will soon, but I am not free, pysically or in spirit to explore a life of my own because I have to be here for my daughter.
No one ever said parenting would be easy and it is a lot of heartache. I'm just having a whole lot of heartache today and needed to share. Today the choice between parenting and living my own life is leaving me feeling so sad. For me there is no choice - parenting is the way I have to go.
My spirit and dreams are just not on the same track. Whatever dreams I have seem to just be momentary diversions from reality with no chance of ever coming to be. It feels really horrible. My dreams keep falling to the wayside as her immediate needs take center stage.
Am I supposed to only dream of sobriety in my world so that we can end this drug madness and go on with our lives? I cannot focus 100% on this girl and keep my sanity. It may never end weather I give 100% or not.
She'll show up and my spirit will be renewed. Soon I'll begin to dream again, but today they all went bye bye, as they will the next time she goes out.
Thanks for the venue,
cb
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Thanks for sharing your journey. Hard to know where your life ends and her life begins. Hopefully she resurfaces soon. Just because your daughter relapses doesn't mean you have to so I hope you will do one good thing for your spirit today. You can be of no help to anyone if you don't stay healthy and whole.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 118
You're right guys,
I didn't have to make this choice and I should deal with it in a more positive fashion.
I just miss my life before drugs sometimes. I'm looking forward to a life after drugs too.
Thank you,
cb
I didn't have to make this choice and I should deal with it in a more positive fashion.
I just miss my life before drugs sometimes. I'm looking forward to a life after drugs too.
Thank you,
cb
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Read all the al-anon literature you can abt. detachment.
MOST likely if you actively work the steps and program w/ a sponsor she'd be able to help you w/ this.
Al-anon and a therapist helped me learn how to keep my equilibrium no matter what situation my son got himself into. Having al-anon friends to talk me "off the ledge"
is also useful.
Finding ways to manage your stressful grief and increase your joy is key.
It can be done. Her addiction is costing you alot.
We didn't plan on addicted kids. A whole new parent handbook has to be created.
May you and your child find your way to more serene living.
MOST likely if you actively work the steps and program w/ a sponsor she'd be able to help you w/ this.
Al-anon and a therapist helped me learn how to keep my equilibrium no matter what situation my son got himself into. Having al-anon friends to talk me "off the ledge"
is also useful.
Finding ways to manage your stressful grief and increase your joy is key.
It can be done. Her addiction is costing you alot.
We didn't plan on addicted kids. A whole new parent handbook has to be created.
May you and your child find your way to more serene living.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by 86753091 
Today the choice between parenting and living my own life is leaving me feeling so sad. For me there is no choice - parenting is the way I have to go.
i'm so very sorry, cb. it tears our hearts out, doesn't it? i hope you will regain your balance soon.
christine
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 76
I understand the day you're having. I've had many of them. And I'm sorry life is giving you lemons. I am married to an addict, & I approached my situation the way you are--- "I love my husband. I don't believe in divorce. We will make it through this together. I have to take care of him. And so on............." Bless people like us who love our addicts so much. But eventually we hit rock bottom. We become exhausted trying to meet their needs. And we find ourselves lost, tired, heart broken, & right back where we started. I applaud your heart. I really do. But I have learned in order to be a good wife, I have to take care of myself. And for you to be a mom, you must take care of yourself. Eventually, you will reach your breaking point. And how will you help her then? Sometimes the best thing we can do for our addict is focus on ourselves. WE ARE POWERLESS. I recommend you read the first step every day. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
oh cb!
:grouphug
you do get to dream and live, and choose. this is not your doing. and you can't cure it. and while i do not have children i can imagine that the driving feeling is a need to cure it.
in the last few days when ive felt a "need" to ultimately ignore self care and put something in front of it, i've tried to remember step 1.
really sitting with the powerlessness has been helpful. perhaps that will help you too, and thanks so much for sharing.
:grouphug
you do get to dream and live, and choose. this is not your doing. and you can't cure it. and while i do not have children i can imagine that the driving feeling is a need to cure it.
in the last few days when ive felt a "need" to ultimately ignore self care and put something in front of it, i've tried to remember step 1.
really sitting with the powerlessness has been helpful. perhaps that will help you too, and thanks so much for sharing.
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