Little update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 112
Little update
Hello Dear SR friends,
Its been awhile since I've updated my status. AH will be gone 4 months on the 9th. I grieve for the man I feel in love with.
Its something that I know in time will heal. But the healing progress is going to take years I think. I've made some progress with
the therapist and group, but the journey seems like it will never end. I'm lonely as can be. For that matter I was lonely when we
were still together, but this is just so hard
All of his side of the family have not reached out to my daughter. I could care less if I never see or talk to them ever again.
But to do that to her is hurting me intensely. She feels just awful. My MIL called two weeks ago asking me when I'm going
to pick up his stuff (he was living with his parents). She told me I needed to call first before coming over. For what? To be
ambushed by the whole family since they think its all my fault he took his life. I don't know why I have had such high expectations
of them.
My daughter and I are doing better with each day. I am finally starting to learn how to treat and take care of myself. With that said I'm
passing that on to her while she is still young so she knows now instead of years into her life. Just a short hello and hope all of you
are doing good. These boards have helped me in so many ways.
Deb
Its been awhile since I've updated my status. AH will be gone 4 months on the 9th. I grieve for the man I feel in love with.
Its something that I know in time will heal. But the healing progress is going to take years I think. I've made some progress with
the therapist and group, but the journey seems like it will never end. I'm lonely as can be. For that matter I was lonely when we
were still together, but this is just so hard
All of his side of the family have not reached out to my daughter. I could care less if I never see or talk to them ever again.
But to do that to her is hurting me intensely. She feels just awful. My MIL called two weeks ago asking me when I'm going
to pick up his stuff (he was living with his parents). She told me I needed to call first before coming over. For what? To be
ambushed by the whole family since they think its all my fault he took his life. I don't know why I have had such high expectations
of them.
My daughter and I are doing better with each day. I am finally starting to learn how to treat and take care of myself. With that said I'm
passing that on to her while she is still young so she knows now instead of years into her life. Just a short hello and hope all of you
are doing good. These boards have helped me in so many ways.
Deb
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
thanks for the update, deb.
regarding his family, it's really difficult to understand the particular madness we experience living a life with our alcoholics. they must be hurting to and i'm afraid that most humans prefer to blame others rather than face themselves. i'm sorry that they are not there to assist you and DD during this difficult time.
regarding his things, i'm wondering why go get them at all? you could always choose to not go and get them and if MIL calls again, you could suggest that she give the things to charity or keep them herself.
in my experience, sometimes it's best to just start afresh and leave the stuff behind. i know i always feel lighter and freer when i do so.
naive
regarding his family, it's really difficult to understand the particular madness we experience living a life with our alcoholics. they must be hurting to and i'm afraid that most humans prefer to blame others rather than face themselves. i'm sorry that they are not there to assist you and DD during this difficult time.
regarding his things, i'm wondering why go get them at all? you could always choose to not go and get them and if MIL calls again, you could suggest that she give the things to charity or keep them herself.
in my experience, sometimes it's best to just start afresh and leave the stuff behind. i know i always feel lighter and freer when i do so.
naive
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Deb, I have followed your story on these boards, and I first want to say that I so admire your strength. You are living through what for many of us is our greatest fear, and you seem to be doing so with remarkable courage. My therapist told me today that he many times counsels mothers and fathers of addicts, and tells them, when they bring up the fear that "putting him out of the house may result in his death by suicide" that if that is the only factor keeping them from kicking the addict out, they should be aware that anyone who would do that, who has gotten to that dark place mentally, was already there. That that one action would never be the one determining factor in such a heavy decision as to whether or not to take his/her own life, and that furthermore, using that as a threat was just about the most manipulative act someone could do. I'm sure you know this already, and that your own therapist has talked to you about this, but I just wanted to reiterate to you that you didn't cause this, that your XAH was already troubled beyond which any action could save him. I am so, so sorry for you and your DD that your ex's family can't see how much hurt they are unfairly inflicting on you and her, but I do pray that you know and fully understand that you are fully in the right here. I also pray that you will know peace and joy again going forward, and I sympathize so much with your struggle.
And I may be overstepping my bounds here, but one other thing my therapist (a Christian counselor) told me, was that I was free to feel that if my XAH ever chose that route, that in some ways it may make my burden easier, and that it was OK to feel that way too.
And I may be overstepping my bounds here, but one other thing my therapist (a Christian counselor) told me, was that I was free to feel that if my XAH ever chose that route, that in some ways it may make my burden easier, and that it was OK to feel that way too.
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