Give him one more chance?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
Give him one more chance?
My 23 year old shot oxy's for 6 years. His life became totally out of control and he went through $35,000 of his college fund on drugs and drug related problems (lawyers, bail bonds, etc). He has been to jail 4 previous times and either I or my ex bailed him out. I have thrown him out of my house 3 times and he has not lived with me for the past 2-1/2 years.
He is currently in jail and has been since January. I should have never bailed him out the first time and refuse to again. The judge has ordered him to an inhouse rehab/counseling program while in jail. She will review his case in September. He will either get out in September, December or next February, depending on how he is doing. She is allowing him to participate in a work release program and he will start soon.
He has been writing me letters and in his last letter stated that he was done with drugs. He admitted that the drugs have caused him to ruin every aspect of his life and if he continues to use, he will die. He is tired of living the way he was and misses his family. He has appologized for everything he has done and seems very remorseful. He maintains that he has become very humble and wants to start over again desperately. Is this jail house remorse or does he truly mean it?
He was in his third year of college when he finally dropped out because of the grades. Suprising enough, his grades did not start to drop until the last semester he attended. How he was able to maintain the decent grades until them is beyond me.
He wants to return to school and work.
My question is, do I give him one more chance and allow him to live with me until he can get on his feet again? He lost his drivers license, has no vehicle, no money and is in debt because of his student loans. He said he is planning on working 2 jobs when he gets out.
He is currently in jail and has been since January. I should have never bailed him out the first time and refuse to again. The judge has ordered him to an inhouse rehab/counseling program while in jail. She will review his case in September. He will either get out in September, December or next February, depending on how he is doing. She is allowing him to participate in a work release program and he will start soon.
He has been writing me letters and in his last letter stated that he was done with drugs. He admitted that the drugs have caused him to ruin every aspect of his life and if he continues to use, he will die. He is tired of living the way he was and misses his family. He has appologized for everything he has done and seems very remorseful. He maintains that he has become very humble and wants to start over again desperately. Is this jail house remorse or does he truly mean it?
He was in his third year of college when he finally dropped out because of the grades. Suprising enough, his grades did not start to drop until the last semester he attended. How he was able to maintain the decent grades until them is beyond me.
He wants to return to school and work.
My question is, do I give him one more chance and allow him to live with me until he can get on his feet again? He lost his drivers license, has no vehicle, no money and is in debt because of his student loans. He said he is planning on working 2 jobs when he gets out.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
In a word, NO! Yes, trust your gut, this is jailhouse remorse stuff. This is addict speak. This is his Addiction trying to survive.
If you want to have a loving response to him, tell him to go the AA meetings there in jail and/or talk to the chaplains who are allowed access to the prisoners. They can help him find pathways to recovery better than you can. You are not his savior here. If you were able to be his savior it would have happened a long time ago. This you know.
If you want to have a loving response to him, tell him to go the AA meetings there in jail and/or talk to the chaplains who are allowed access to the prisoners. They can help him find pathways to recovery better than you can. You are not his savior here. If you were able to be his savior it would have happened a long time ago. This you know.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
It's jailhouse remorse but he may truly mean it. It's easy to mean it when they are in jail and not around the people and situations that are condusive to using. It's easy to say what they will and won't do, but until they are actually out in the world, it doesn't mean a thing. My advice is NOT to take him back into your home. Let him go to a halfway house and learn to live in the real world without drugs. He will have responsibilities there and will have to work outside the home, too. It's a good place for people to segue to after treatment. He must face the consequences of his bad decisions and that doesn't just mean jail. It means realizing that he has forfeited the welcome mat at home until he has proven that he is serious for the long term.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The choice is yours to make, of course, but why not let him continue doing what he needs to do without you having a front row seat?
Family support does not mean they have to live at home. We are not their only option, and most times we are not even a good option.
If he is going to do well with his ongoing recovery, he will do well wherever he lives. If he is not going to do well, do you really want to go through all that chaos again?
Whatever you choose, now might be a good time to kick your own recovery up a notch, it's times like this when we need to have all our recovery tools close at hand.
Hope it all works out well and that he truly is turning over a new leaf. Time and his actions will tell you then whether his words were sincere.
Hugs
Family support does not mean they have to live at home. We are not their only option, and most times we are not even a good option.
If he is going to do well with his ongoing recovery, he will do well wherever he lives. If he is not going to do well, do you really want to go through all that chaos again?
Whatever you choose, now might be a good time to kick your own recovery up a notch, it's times like this when we need to have all our recovery tools close at hand.
Hope it all works out well and that he truly is turning over a new leaf. Time and his actions will tell you then whether his words were sincere.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
As a recovering IV drug user myself, and as the mother of a 32 year old addict daughter, I can tell you there are much better resources out there than 'home with mom' if he's serious about recovery.
There are sober living facilities. They give the recovering alcoholic/addict a structured environment, while allowing him/her to work and integrate back into society.
When I got out of inpatient rehab, I was 28 years old and had to leave my abusive EXAH. That left me as the single parent of an 8 year old daughter (the one who's an addict now).
There was no going back home to Mom and Dad. I had no transportation as they had taken the car while I was in rehab.
I walked every day, looking for jobs.
I landed a full-time job as a CNA the first week I was out of rehab.
I walked to/from work every day for a month before I got the car back.
I appreciate everything I have had to work hard for.
I am just now completing two college degrees. I dropped out of college after only 2 months when I was 18 because it interfered with my drinking/drugging lifestyle. I gave up an academic scholarship.
My sponsor told me a long time ago that I would feel the consequences of my addictions for many years after I got into recovery, and that has been true.
I ended up raising 2 daughters by myself for the most part, and working some pretty tough, low-paying, and physically strenuous jobs to make ends meet because I didn't have that college education.
So, at age 51 I finally enrolled full-time in college after getting classes in here and there over the years.
It's been wonderful. I've been motivated.
Allow your son the dignity to experience the consequences of his addiction, and perhaps he too will come to value and appreciate recovery and life itself.
There are sober living facilities. They give the recovering alcoholic/addict a structured environment, while allowing him/her to work and integrate back into society.
When I got out of inpatient rehab, I was 28 years old and had to leave my abusive EXAH. That left me as the single parent of an 8 year old daughter (the one who's an addict now).
There was no going back home to Mom and Dad. I had no transportation as they had taken the car while I was in rehab.
I walked every day, looking for jobs.
I landed a full-time job as a CNA the first week I was out of rehab.
I walked to/from work every day for a month before I got the car back.
I appreciate everything I have had to work hard for.
I am just now completing two college degrees. I dropped out of college after only 2 months when I was 18 because it interfered with my drinking/drugging lifestyle. I gave up an academic scholarship.
My sponsor told me a long time ago that I would feel the consequences of my addictions for many years after I got into recovery, and that has been true.
I ended up raising 2 daughters by myself for the most part, and working some pretty tough, low-paying, and physically strenuous jobs to make ends meet because I didn't have that college education.
So, at age 51 I finally enrolled full-time in college after getting classes in here and there over the years.
It's been wonderful. I've been motivated.
Allow your son the dignity to experience the consequences of his addiction, and perhaps he too will come to value and appreciate recovery and life itself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 118
Fortunately you have time. I know September seems so close, but it's still so far away. As is December and January.
I don't think black and white works with addicts. Somewhere in the grey you're going to find your boundries. You'll give him another chance, but with what limitations on your participation? Clearly bail money is out. What other limitations will you impose? Housing? Cash? Tuition? Books? Driving school, insurance?
I think you can participate in a way that encourages sobriety without enabling.
Fortunately you have time to work through some of these issues.
Good luck to you mom.
cb
I don't think black and white works with addicts. Somewhere in the grey you're going to find your boundries. You'll give him another chance, but with what limitations on your participation? Clearly bail money is out. What other limitations will you impose? Housing? Cash? Tuition? Books? Driving school, insurance?
I think you can participate in a way that encourages sobriety without enabling.
Fortunately you have time to work through some of these issues.
Good luck to you mom.
cb
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
If, and that is a big 'IF' he is serious about what he has written he will continue to work on his recovery while in there and with the help of his counselor/minister there will find a 'sober living house' to go to upon his release.
A sober living situation will give him more structure and continuing help in recovery, much better than your home could do.
You have time, his release is not tomorrow, lol so if he brings it up again in another letter, and you feel comfortable doing so, you can reply with a simple "I believe a 'sober living house' would be your best option" and then change the subject.
You have received great advice above, and I too feel this would be a GREAT time to 'amp' up your own recovery work on yourself.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
A sober living situation will give him more structure and continuing help in recovery, much better than your home could do.
You have time, his release is not tomorrow, lol so if he brings it up again in another letter, and you feel comfortable doing so, you can reply with a simple "I believe a 'sober living house' would be your best option" and then change the subject.
You have received great advice above, and I too feel this would be a GREAT time to 'amp' up your own recovery work on yourself.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
He has never asked to come home and I think he would be suprised if he even knew that I was contemplating it. I just finished reading an article published in our local paper. There is a gentleman named Brad Lamm, who is known as the Dr. Oz of intervention. He maintaines that the power of love and forgivness is the kinder, gentler approach works better. He says that "compassion and loving concern are more successful to getting addicts into treatment than dire consequences and the outcome is better when the family is involved".
The "do's and don'ts" are so confusing.
The "do's and don'ts" are so confusing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
His release is a long way off.
This is the time to focus on you - your recovery from his addiction. Your disapointment in his bad choices. Your personal boundaries and the consequences for violating them. Your life as the mother of an adult son who needs to grow up.
He is going to do what he is going to do. And am I to understand he hasn't asked to move home? I understand the urge to help is strong, but I also know that it is important for us to sit on our hands and let them help themselves.
You can be compassionate and loving - without being interfering or enabling. Just because he doesn't live with you doesn't mean you can't be involved in his life.
If he wants recovery, he's going to get it no matter where he lives. But if he's not done with drugs there is nothing you can do to stop him from using them - including allowing him to live under your roof. Sometimes our parents can make life too easy for us - especially if we are prone to taking the easy way out.
Whatever you do, boundaries are key. You don't want to be taken advantage of or invite the chaos of addiction back into your home. It's never fun to have a front row seat to someone elses bad choices when it comes to drugs and crime.
This is the time to focus on you - your recovery from his addiction. Your disapointment in his bad choices. Your personal boundaries and the consequences for violating them. Your life as the mother of an adult son who needs to grow up.
He is going to do what he is going to do. And am I to understand he hasn't asked to move home? I understand the urge to help is strong, but I also know that it is important for us to sit on our hands and let them help themselves.
You can be compassionate and loving - without being interfering or enabling. Just because he doesn't live with you doesn't mean you can't be involved in his life.
If he wants recovery, he's going to get it no matter where he lives. But if he's not done with drugs there is nothing you can do to stop him from using them - including allowing him to live under your roof. Sometimes our parents can make life too easy for us - especially if we are prone to taking the easy way out.
Whatever you do, boundaries are key. You don't want to be taken advantage of or invite the chaos of addiction back into your home. It's never fun to have a front row seat to someone elses bad choices when it comes to drugs and crime.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Wonderful replies thus far from wise souls who have been there on both sides of the (if hypothetical only) jail cell bars.
I did expect that he would write asking for a place to stay once he's out and maybe there's hope in the fact that he hasn't done that.
This process of 'playing the tape forward' and questioning what you might say should he do that (still a possibility) is healthy and a good sign you are avoiding getting sucked into his remorse real or not.
Best wishes.
Alice
I did expect that he would write asking for a place to stay once he's out and maybe there's hope in the fact that he hasn't done that.
This process of 'playing the tape forward' and questioning what you might say should he do that (still a possibility) is healthy and a good sign you are avoiding getting sucked into his remorse real or not.
Best wishes.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 118
Oh THAT Brad Lamm! kidding.
It's impossible to know what the right thing to do is.
I understand that staging an intevention requires a serious "intervention" professional and should not be attempted by amatures or professionals in other areas of expertise.
There are so many avenues to sobriety. I just have to learn all I can about all of them, in case my AD picks one. I just want to be ready when she is.
cb
It's impossible to know what the right thing to do is.
I understand that staging an intevention requires a serious "intervention" professional and should not be attempted by amatures or professionals in other areas of expertise.
There are so many avenues to sobriety. I just have to learn all I can about all of them, in case my AD picks one. I just want to be ready when she is.
cb
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
We want & hope our kids can get back into the game of life w/o drugs and pick up where they left off.
Your son probably is sincere from the vantage point of jail.
Have faith + hope he can follow-through as you watch him prove it.
Where ever he lives, IMO, let him work at a job and work at sobriety for a long while before you help w/ $$$ tuition $$$
If he doesn't demonstrate that he is actively working recovery he most likely will end up back where he was bef. jail. or in jail again.
My son is 2 yrs. sober and he is still Getting stable and learning how to live life sober. This has 2 be the priority and a prerequisite before I will put money into his educ. again. We are just now talking about educ. ( he dropped out of college too ) Now that he has figured out how to maintain sobriety and work at recovery I will require that he successfully complete comm. college classes to demonstrate his ability to be a student again, before I make an investment in his educ.
I have a friend who requires his ex-addict son to pay for his own classes and for ea. class he completes successfully, his parents then reinburse
him.
I believe my addicted son deserved compassion from me when he was an active addict just as I do now that he is a recovering one.
That being said, just as you have, I learned not to enable and how to detach while being compassionate.
Your son probably is sincere from the vantage point of jail.
Have faith + hope he can follow-through as you watch him prove it.
Where ever he lives, IMO, let him work at a job and work at sobriety for a long while before you help w/ $$$ tuition $$$
If he doesn't demonstrate that he is actively working recovery he most likely will end up back where he was bef. jail. or in jail again.
My son is 2 yrs. sober and he is still Getting stable and learning how to live life sober. This has 2 be the priority and a prerequisite before I will put money into his educ. again. We are just now talking about educ. ( he dropped out of college too ) Now that he has figured out how to maintain sobriety and work at recovery I will require that he successfully complete comm. college classes to demonstrate his ability to be a student again, before I make an investment in his educ.
I have a friend who requires his ex-addict son to pay for his own classes and for ea. class he completes successfully, his parents then reinburse
him.
I believe my addicted son deserved compassion from me when he was an active addict just as I do now that he is a recovering one.
That being said, just as you have, I learned not to enable and how to detach while being compassionate.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
He's 23. He's old enough to take care of himself if that's what he wants. He can live in a sober living house. He can get jobs, he can take one class at a time while he works so that he can finish his degree. He has so many options. However, he has to do it on his own. If he really wants it, he will make the sacrifices to reach his goals. That way he can feel good about his own accomplishments and know that he can take care of himself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by helpformyson 
....the power of love and forgivness is the kinder, gentler approach works better. He says that "compassion and loving concern are more successful to getting addicts into treatment than dire consequences and the outcome is better when the family is involved".
i think suki's post is right on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
IF I decide to offer this to him, other than provide him a roof over his head, I have committed to myself that I would not give him a red cent. He would have to work and give me money towards groceries and/or utilities. The rest of what ever money he makes would go towards paying off his debts and school.
I would have a list of rules that he would have to abide by and if not, there is the door.
I know that as an addict, he can relapse at any second. However, he just seems more dedicated to staying sober than he ever has before. Again....jail house remorse??????
I would have a list of rules that he would have to abide by and if not, there is the door.
I know that as an addict, he can relapse at any second. However, he just seems more dedicated to staying sober than he ever has before. Again....jail house remorse??????
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
There are 'oodles' of Sober Living possibilities in West Palm Beach:
Google
Have a look for yourself.
I understand you would like him at home, HOWEVER, living in a sober living environment, will give him a lot more experience of the REAL WORLD than at home with you.
Please think very very carefully about bringing him back into your home. As a long time recovering alkie/addict I personally believe it would be much better for him to be with others in recovery 24/7.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Have a look for yourself.
I understand you would like him at home, HOWEVER, living in a sober living environment, will give him a lot more experience of the REAL WORLD than at home with you.
Please think very very carefully about bringing him back into your home. As a long time recovering alkie/addict I personally believe it would be much better for him to be with others in recovery 24/7.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
He would have to work and give me money towards groceries and/or utilities.
Excuses, excuses, excuses.
I'm just curious, how you will respond to excuses should you allow your son to move home? When we start stipulating what others should do with their lives - when we have expectations about an adults behavior based on our values - we open the door to be manipulated and to be disappointment. We also take away there self respect because we don't allow them to take responsibility for their own behavior. We are trying to control what they do.
Not saying your son would manipulate you... but past behavior is a good predictor for future behavior unless WE change our behavior and what we put up with in our life.
Boundaries are not easy to enforce. So I hope you will seriously consider all aspects of allowing your son to move home with you. Just so you will be prepared should not meet your expectations and then have a string of excuses as to why he couldn't.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
for what it's worth, i think i have learned that love and compassion doesn't mean that we overly help. i think this statement is true, but you can have compassion, and show love, by allowing your son to bear the burden of his mistakes, and rebuild his life, so that he will never want to return to his former ways again.
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