Saphie

1 months, 6 months, 15 months, this time 7 months.
I have been drinking since Easter again. Controlling, not touching the hard stuff. I needed to relax, really relax, forget the problems, get rid of the stresses and I did it the only way I knew best. Oh boy, it was just waiting for that weak moment. I did tell my few friends on here, but I wasn't going to make an announcement, calling myself names etc. That kind of thread always triggered something in me and I didn't want to do that to others.
Why did I change my mind? Well I'm sitting here with eyes redder than my hair, heart racing, even with slight shakes and my kidneys hurt. I have a taste in my mouth as though the cat did some business in there. One glass turned into one "controlled" litre every night real quick and the fact that I didn't touch the hard stuff made no difference whatsoever.
I give up. I really had enough. I can't physically go to meeting for very private reasons I won't go into. I don't even have enough spare time to check SR. Yes I know, I had the time to get drunk. I know all that.
I will stop again, for however long I can whiteknuckle it this time. Then I will drink again and so on. This is my destiny, because not only am I powerless over my drinking I am also powerless over my not drinking. That I have accepted. Good luck to all of us - we need it.
I am not suicidal, I am just so tired, tired of fighting.
So here it was after all, the announcement.

Robin66

Hi Saphie, I'm new here but I wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy. I know how you feel. I've tried to quit many many times. I'm now on Day 18.
Don't give up........ I really hope you start feeling better. But I realize how depressing this all is. Just wanted to say Hi and let you know I'm thinking of you. Robin

Cornczech

For what it's worth....I COMPLETELY understand.....

Dee74

I would have sworn it was my destiny too Saphie.
But it wasn't.

I had to make changes tho - I fought it - I wanted to live my life and just not drink. Living my old alcoholics life always took me back to drinking because I never learned new ways to cope withe *stuff* and boy did I have *stuff*...

There's no way to build a new life in the confines of the old alcoholic one.

And whiteknuckling is just torture. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondring how long you'll make it this time. Nothing gets solved...it's the same life...just no drinking.

I think you deserve better Saphie.

D

yeahgr8

I got to that stage as well about a year before i did something about it and begged for help...just accepted that this is it, one pointless dry spell after another, each one making me more insane than the last...hopeless situation...really terrible place to be!

I knew that it was quite futile in keep trying to do something about it myself as i had 20 years history of trying to control it and had failed on numerous occasions...on the flip side i also knew that i had to get external help if i was to stay sober so all my rationalising by this point had been beaten away and i guess it was just a matter of time before i reached out...luckily before anything i couldn't come back from happened...

Like you said you found time for drinking so you can find time to get some help, i don't know if anyone has any advice on how to get help if you cant leave the house? Maybe someone would come to see you from AA if you rang their local number?

Hevyn

Saphie, I am familiar with all the feelings you mentioned. I have reached that same point many times in my life. In my heart I knew I would eventually quit and stay quit, but it took time to get there & I had to be ready. It was so hard to admit the very thing I was using to comfort myself was the thing that was sucking the life out of me. I know you aren't going to be satisfied living your life this way.

Proud of you for posting about this - that's what this community is for, and you did the right thing by sharing these thoughts that I know you wanted to keep private. You may not realize it, but that's a huge accomplishment - letting your fear and regret see the light of day. It isn't as scary after that. You're never alone!

Kmber2010

Saphie....what you said was all too familiar in the been there and done that. I so agree with Heyvn that it took much strength and courage to post this. I don't think I had an ounce of what you have when I was hitting the booze hard. I had much given up and accepted my life for what it was.

What we also share is the ability to look at this pull we have towards drinking and still know that it isn't right. We accept but we don't embrace, enjoy or love it. We just give in.

Whether you feel it or not.......you have the fire inside to put this beast to rest for good. Your post alone shows that you have it to stop and I believe in my heart that you can stop it for good with the proper support and recovery.

I had tried endlessly to quit and then gave in to it. It was when I hit that most darkest of places where I something inside me said - no more. I would be lying if I knew for sure what it was - higher power, innate instinct to survive, love for others.....have at this point no clue. I know that I stopped. Staying stopped now is on me and to seek all of the support out there to find my true self and to continue to see my life for what it is with a positive angle.

I may not be awe inspiring in my writing but I speak from the heart. I don't know you but man I sure do know of that place you are in.

Take it one day at a time and know that whiteknuckling it will get you sober and swim as fast and as hard as you can to reach that surface of sobriety each day.

All the best.

Mark75

Welcome back.

least

I do not believe for a minute that it's your "destiny" to be a practicing alcoholic. Our destiny can change, as our lives change. Don't know what to tell you other than "don't give up!" Your destiny is what you make it.

artsoul

Hi Saphie - I could have written your post just a week ago. How I got up the nerve to join SR, I really don't know, but it's been my saving grace for the past 3 days. It's open 24/7 and people know exactly what I'm going through. I don't have to sit alone, feeling anxious, sick or bored. Don't even have to get dressed or do my hair. I really hope you'll stick around.

Just like you, I had kind of accepted my fate. Sure, others could/did get sober, but not me. Oh no. I was the hopeless case, been to treatment twice, have depression with a little OCD mixed in, tend to isolate, can't even quit smoking, didn't even want to quit drinking. The only thing I could do was pray to "want to want to quit." And, though it didn't happen overnight, that intention somehow started to grow inside me. Of course, the realization that dying of alcohol was going to get much, much more painful, was also a bit of motivation. I got so **** tired of fighting that I really think I was starting to surrender or at least give up my idea that I could control it anymore.

I hope you'll still around SR. Hang in there minute by minute if you have to and let us know how you're doing.

You ARE worth it, and you CAN do it!

bananagrrrl

Saphie, have you thought of seeing a therapist and a shrink? It sounds like you have depression/anxiety and you are self medicating.

Don't give up on yourself. We are here for you.

Anna

Saphie,

I hope that you don't give up, because this disease will kill you.

Never give up!