Codependent No More: LAST CHAPTER - Chap. 20 - Learning to Live and Love Again
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Codependent No More: LAST CHAPTER - Chap. 20 - Learning to Live and Love Again
Last Chapter <whew> 
Link to Previous Chapters: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ices-bits.html
New and used copies of this book can be found at Amazon.
Link to Previous Chapters: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ices-bits.html
Codependent No More:
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
By Melodie Beattie
Book Study
CHAPTER 20 - Learning to Live and Love Again
CHAPTER 20 - Learning to Live and Love Again
New and used copies of this book can be found at Amazon.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Relatively short chapter -
Synopsis
"At least I don't run around actively seeking my own demise anymore". - Anonymous Alanon Member
Melodie says it appears the two deepest desires people have is "To love and be loved, and to believe they are worthwhile and know someone else believes that also". Also, she states "To be happy we need someone to love, something to do and something to look forward to". Most of us on one level or another have always been trying to meet these needs. Many of us have tried to stop these needs. We can't repress them and be happy. As codependents, we need to learn how to fulfill these needs in a healthy way.
Love does not have to hurt or destroy us. We don't have to stay in relationships that are slowly killing us. We can leave destructive relationships and get good ones. We are capable of learning good behaviors to have our relationships work for us and others. Not against us. We need to learn to have balance, we need to learn how to measure responsibilities to ourselves and others. We need to let go of unhealthy expectations.
Getting started:
In a nutshell, she uses the HOW method:
H - Honesty
O - Openness
W - Willingness
We need to learn to really see ourselves and our motives. Melodie says to pick one behavior to work on at a time. Work on one, then get busy on another. Chapter four can help with this. Time to light a fire under ourselves.
Growing forward:
This should come naturally as we are working on our dependency issues. Some of us are facing really hard decisions. "Should I stay or go"? She says "If a relationship is dead, bury it". By continually working on ourselves the answer will come when the time is right.
Still some of us are trying to mend damaged relationships. This will also take time and can't be rushed. Love and trust do not automatically regenerate. Sometimes they heal, sometimes they won't.
Some of us may be without anyone special to love. This is more than okay for now. Love ourselves and know we are worthy people. Use this time alone as a breather. Have fun and trust God (or your higher power).
Whatever our situation, we can ,ove slowly. We may still go around kissing some frogs. This is okay - We should not beat ourselves up. The point is to keep working hard on ourselves. If we do this, the frogs will get harder to find. "I hope we will find people we enjoy loving - people who enjoy loving us and challenging us to grow. I hope we find enjoyable work that challenges us to grow". Even if we lose our balance from time to time. We just need to ride it out and not be ashamed. We should not hide.
This is the final paragraph:
"Getting our balance and keeping it once we have found it is what recovery is all about. If that sounds like a big order, don't worry. We can do it. We can learn to love again. We can even learn to have fun at the same time".
Okay, as for me - I'm going back to read chapter 1 :-)
Synopsis
"At least I don't run around actively seeking my own demise anymore". - Anonymous Alanon Member
Melodie says it appears the two deepest desires people have is "To love and be loved, and to believe they are worthwhile and know someone else believes that also". Also, she states "To be happy we need someone to love, something to do and something to look forward to". Most of us on one level or another have always been trying to meet these needs. Many of us have tried to stop these needs. We can't repress them and be happy. As codependents, we need to learn how to fulfill these needs in a healthy way.
Love does not have to hurt or destroy us. We don't have to stay in relationships that are slowly killing us. We can leave destructive relationships and get good ones. We are capable of learning good behaviors to have our relationships work for us and others. Not against us. We need to learn to have balance, we need to learn how to measure responsibilities to ourselves and others. We need to let go of unhealthy expectations.
Getting started:
In a nutshell, she uses the HOW method:
H - Honesty
O - Openness
W - Willingness
We need to learn to really see ourselves and our motives. Melodie says to pick one behavior to work on at a time. Work on one, then get busy on another. Chapter four can help with this. Time to light a fire under ourselves.
Growing forward:
This should come naturally as we are working on our dependency issues. Some of us are facing really hard decisions. "Should I stay or go"? She says "If a relationship is dead, bury it". By continually working on ourselves the answer will come when the time is right.
Still some of us are trying to mend damaged relationships. This will also take time and can't be rushed. Love and trust do not automatically regenerate. Sometimes they heal, sometimes they won't.
Some of us may be without anyone special to love. This is more than okay for now. Love ourselves and know we are worthy people. Use this time alone as a breather. Have fun and trust God (or your higher power).
Whatever our situation, we can ,ove slowly. We may still go around kissing some frogs. This is okay - We should not beat ourselves up. The point is to keep working hard on ourselves. If we do this, the frogs will get harder to find. "I hope we will find people we enjoy loving - people who enjoy loving us and challenging us to grow. I hope we find enjoyable work that challenges us to grow". Even if we lose our balance from time to time. We just need to ride it out and not be ashamed. We should not hide.
This is the final paragraph:
"Getting our balance and keeping it once we have found it is what recovery is all about. If that sounds like a big order, don't worry. We can do it. We can learn to love again. We can even learn to have fun at the same time".
Thanks to all who struck around and read along, including guests in silence! :ghug3
Okay, as for me - I'm going back to read chapter 1 :-)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: FL
Posts: 194
"To be happy we need someone to love, something to do and something to look forward to".
So true. Before recovery, to me needing someone to love would've undoubtedly meant a significant other. Through my newly opened recovery eyes, I interpret that "someone to love" as being, first and foremost: ME. In addition, my circle of love could include: a beloved pet, a beloved group of people, a cause I am passionate about, a significant other. For me, the other two parts "something to do" and "something to look forward to" seem to be a natural progression of what happens when I'm committed to loving the self.
"I hope we will find people we enjoy loving - people who enjoy loving us and challenging us to grow. I hope we find enjoyable work that challenges us to grow".
Interesting to see this in black and white: people who enjoy loving us and challenging us to grow. Prior to recovery... I would avoid confrontation, challenges, etc. Now... I accept the challenges I run into both personally and professionally. I realize they are part of my growth process. And each hurdle I cross, with conscious awareness, gets me further ahead on the recovery path. With each step forward, I feel better and better.
"Getting our balance and keeping it once we have found it is what recovery is all about."
Amen to that: staying in balance is my number one priority. Stepping back, listening to what my body is telling me. Making sure I take care of me, trusting my feelings. If something feels off... paying attention and taking care of that. It means living mindfully at all times. Practice, practice, practice.
Thanks Alizerin for your great service with this book study. I joined the group late in the game, and have only read your posted synospsis (lost the book); it's helped me think through some things, bring them to the forefront, work through some things. I am grateful to you for your commitment to see this to the end.
:ghug3
So true. Before recovery, to me needing someone to love would've undoubtedly meant a significant other. Through my newly opened recovery eyes, I interpret that "someone to love" as being, first and foremost: ME. In addition, my circle of love could include: a beloved pet, a beloved group of people, a cause I am passionate about, a significant other. For me, the other two parts "something to do" and "something to look forward to" seem to be a natural progression of what happens when I'm committed to loving the self.
"I hope we will find people we enjoy loving - people who enjoy loving us and challenging us to grow. I hope we find enjoyable work that challenges us to grow".
Interesting to see this in black and white: people who enjoy loving us and challenging us to grow. Prior to recovery... I would avoid confrontation, challenges, etc. Now... I accept the challenges I run into both personally and professionally. I realize they are part of my growth process. And each hurdle I cross, with conscious awareness, gets me further ahead on the recovery path. With each step forward, I feel better and better.
"Getting our balance and keeping it once we have found it is what recovery is all about."
Amen to that: staying in balance is my number one priority. Stepping back, listening to what my body is telling me. Making sure I take care of me, trusting my feelings. If something feels off... paying attention and taking care of that. It means living mindfully at all times. Practice, practice, practice.
Thanks Alizerin for your great service with this book study. I joined the group late in the game, and have only read your posted synospsis (lost the book); it's helped me think through some things, bring them to the forefront, work through some things. I am grateful to you for your commitment to see this to the end.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I found a sec to drop back in for the last chapter. Thanks so much Alizerin.
The main thing for me is allowing life to ripen at it's own pace. I don't need to FIX everything NOW!
For now, I am working on taking good care of me and learning to set boundaries for myself. Reminding myself 'I matter' daily helps.
Take care,
Peace
The main thing for me is allowing life to ripen at it's own pace. I don't need to FIX everything NOW!
For now, I am working on taking good care of me and learning to set boundaries for myself. Reminding myself 'I matter' daily helps.
Take care,
Peace
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