Why am I angry?
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Why am I angry?
This has been a strange day for me.
Felt quite bad as it's holiday over here, and time when families do things together. Took my kids and had a day out with our friends (couple with kids), didn't invite my AH or bother to ask him about his plans. Figured he's never with us anyways so why keep the charade and spend a holiday together.
But it was hard being there on my own and made me think of all the things I'm missing on in my life.
So when we returned home: surprise! he was there. Never expected him to be, Just figured he'd be out all day as usual.
And he was acting in this gracious way like I'm a b****, but he's cool about it, like I don't want him but he's accepting it bravely.
And it made me so mad.
I don't even know why I'm mad.
Few months ago he joined this PTSP support group, which was unexpected progress, as for the first time he's acctually facing at least one of his problems.
And today I found out that apparently for the past few weeks he was doing some therapy thing with them every day all day long (working on some land, planting something and doing whatever it is that needs to be done to have the planted thing grow).
While to me all that time he's acting in this hurt maner. I guess he thinks he's trying and I can't see it or whatever.
And I'm glad for him, at least he's finally doing something. But I'm also angry.
And I can't figure out why I'm angry.
Am I angry because I feel it's too late?
Am I angry because I resent him for wanting me to be grateful for his trying?
Or because he's not trying to do anything to save our marriage?
Or because he's still drinking (or at least I'm convinced he is)?
Or am I so f***ed up that I'm angry he's doing it on his own while never wanted to do it before when I encouraged him to?
As you can see
I'm also too angry to think straight.
Give me some of your wisdom, please.
Felt quite bad as it's holiday over here, and time when families do things together. Took my kids and had a day out with our friends (couple with kids), didn't invite my AH or bother to ask him about his plans. Figured he's never with us anyways so why keep the charade and spend a holiday together.
But it was hard being there on my own and made me think of all the things I'm missing on in my life.
So when we returned home: surprise! he was there. Never expected him to be, Just figured he'd be out all day as usual.
And he was acting in this gracious way like I'm a b****, but he's cool about it, like I don't want him but he's accepting it bravely.
And it made me so mad.
I don't even know why I'm mad.
Few months ago he joined this PTSP support group, which was unexpected progress, as for the first time he's acctually facing at least one of his problems.
And today I found out that apparently for the past few weeks he was doing some therapy thing with them every day all day long (working on some land, planting something and doing whatever it is that needs to be done to have the planted thing grow).
While to me all that time he's acting in this hurt maner. I guess he thinks he's trying and I can't see it or whatever.
And I'm glad for him, at least he's finally doing something. But I'm also angry.
And I can't figure out why I'm angry.
Am I angry because I feel it's too late?
Am I angry because I resent him for wanting me to be grateful for his trying?
Or because he's not trying to do anything to save our marriage?
Or because he's still drinking (or at least I'm convinced he is)?
Or am I so f***ed up that I'm angry he's doing it on his own while never wanted to do it before when I encouraged him to?
As you can see
I'm also too angry to think straight.Give me some of your wisdom, please.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Hi Leise,
I've no idea if this is a new tactic or what. I kind of don't even care. I'm too tired of it all.
And I do know it has nothing to do with me, honestly I do. I'm not having any of the guilt or blame, I know better.
And that's why I can figure out why I'm angry.
I would just like to figure out what exactly in all this is triggering my anger so I can process it and get over with it.
I've no idea if this is a new tactic or what. I kind of don't even care. I'm too tired of it all.
And I do know it has nothing to do with me, honestly I do. I'm not having any of the guilt or blame, I know better.
And that's why I can figure out why I'm angry.
I would just like to figure out what exactly in all this is triggering my anger so I can process it and get over with it.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I can tell you I was angry because it hurt to find out just how low I was on Ms list of priorities. Thinking I signed up for one half of a life partnership only to be left holding the bag for most of the families responsibilities. Oh and not to mention another broken heart.. thanks for that.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Sesh, maybe you're angry because you're at that stage--from your recent posts, it sounds like you've been through the denial (it isn't impacting my family), and the bargaining (I should compromise on how I deal with the marriage for the sake of the kids), and now that you've made some decisions and recognized some truths, it leaves the door open from the past where you can at this point see it for what it was, and now you're just experiencing some latent anger! Maybe I'm jumping to a lot of assumptions here, but I'm trying to put myself in your place.
Also, very astute of you to recognize that you might be angry because he's doing this without and in spite of your past help and support. The double whammy might be that now he's the "good guy" in a way, while you were just slapped in the face with your daughter's comment.
Living with alcoholism just is a constant reminder that life isn't fair. But I'm happiest when I'm not weighing both side of the scale and seeing that I'm on the light end. Really, happiness and inner peace is the best revenge, and only you can get that for yourself.
Also, very astute of you to recognize that you might be angry because he's doing this without and in spite of your past help and support. The double whammy might be that now he's the "good guy" in a way, while you were just slapped in the face with your daughter's comment.
Living with alcoholism just is a constant reminder that life isn't fair. But I'm happiest when I'm not weighing both side of the scale and seeing that I'm on the light end. Really, happiness and inner peace is the best revenge, and only you can get that for yourself.
Last edited by SoloMio; 05-01-2010 at 02:35 PM. Reason: typo
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by sesh 
And I'm glad for him, at least he's finally doing something. But I'm also angry.
And I can't figure out why I'm angry.
Am I angry because I feel it's too late?
Am I angry because I resent him for wanting me to be grateful for his trying?
Or because he's not trying to do anything to save our marriage?
Or because he's still drinking (or at least I'm convinced he is)?
Or am I so f***ed up that I'm angry he's doing it on his own while never wanted to do it before when I encouraged him to?
And I can't figure out why I'm angry.
Am I angry because I feel it's too late?
Am I angry because I resent him for wanting me to be grateful for his trying?
Or because he's not trying to do anything to save our marriage?
Or because he's still drinking (or at least I'm convinced he is)?
Or am I so f***ed up that I'm angry he's doing it on his own while never wanted to do it before when I encouraged him to?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 69
Hi Sesh,
((hugs)) - I am SO angry too.
I think part of your anger stems from all of those things, like bookwyrm said. You are allowed to be angry. We are allowed to be angry. Nothing I say anymore about XABF is nice. If I speak to him, I can't not be a b*tch. And it is because they take a lot from us. They suck the life out of us and we are only human. The pain, the suffering, the lies, the deceit, us having to fix everything, cover up for them, lie for them... it all creates anger.
Or am I so f***ed up that I'm angry he's doing it on his own while never wanted to do it before when I encouraged him to?
I left my first xabf of 7 years and 3 years ago I went to work and had a voicemail on my birthday from his sister. She wished me a happy birthday, a merry Christmas and said that her, her family and her mother wanted to thank me for everything I did (I had not heard from them in 2 years when I left for good) and that they know I was an angel sent to them because he was a year and a half sober. She said his number was still the same and so was her's and they would love to hear from me to see how my life was going and to thank me in person.
I was currently with THIS xabf.
Anyhow, I called her. We talked, long story short - I went to the restroom at work, punched the concrete wall and sobbed uncontrollably. I was SO MAD. I hated him for being sober. I hated him for doing it after all the hell. I have never felt so much anger in my life after all the times I begged and tried to help.
I understand how that could make you so angry.
Hang in there. I think you have every right to be angry.
((hugs)) - I am SO angry too.
I think part of your anger stems from all of those things, like bookwyrm said. You are allowed to be angry. We are allowed to be angry. Nothing I say anymore about XABF is nice. If I speak to him, I can't not be a b*tch. And it is because they take a lot from us. They suck the life out of us and we are only human. The pain, the suffering, the lies, the deceit, us having to fix everything, cover up for them, lie for them... it all creates anger.
Or am I so f***ed up that I'm angry he's doing it on his own while never wanted to do it before when I encouraged him to?
I left my first xabf of 7 years and 3 years ago I went to work and had a voicemail on my birthday from his sister. She wished me a happy birthday, a merry Christmas and said that her, her family and her mother wanted to thank me for everything I did (I had not heard from them in 2 years when I left for good) and that they know I was an angel sent to them because he was a year and a half sober. She said his number was still the same and so was her's and they would love to hear from me to see how my life was going and to thank me in person.
I was currently with THIS xabf.
Anyhow, I called her. We talked, long story short - I went to the restroom at work, punched the concrete wall and sobbed uncontrollably. I was SO MAD. I hated him for being sober. I hated him for doing it after all the hell. I have never felt so much anger in my life after all the times I begged and tried to help.
I understand how that could make you so angry.
Hang in there. I think you have every right to be angry.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Lol. You're all so right.
Finding to be angry for all the reasons above mentioned and probably few more. Reading your posts I kept on thinking: yes, yes, that too. I guess I'm angry for everything in this relationship for the past 7/8 years.
So, huh that's a lot of anger. Have to find the way to vent it. I mean I did feel the anger all these years but I kept on giving it back to him, than would come the guilt and I kept on going in circles. Now I don't almost feel the need to express it to him, acctually that's not true I do, but I don't want to, so I'm breaking that circle and have to look for other ways to vent it. I want to deal with my problems on my own, I don't want him to have anything to do with it. I want to recover regardless of him.
I think spring cleaning of the house or some other manual labour is in order.
Just realized something: I usually speak in a low voice, but all of a sudden I have this urge to be very loud
Finding to be angry for all the reasons above mentioned and probably few more. Reading your posts I kept on thinking: yes, yes, that too. I guess I'm angry for everything in this relationship for the past 7/8 years.
So, huh that's a lot of anger. Have to find the way to vent it. I mean I did feel the anger all these years but I kept on giving it back to him, than would come the guilt and I kept on going in circles. Now I don't almost feel the need to express it to him, acctually that's not true I do, but I don't want to, so I'm breaking that circle and have to look for other ways to vent it. I want to deal with my problems on my own, I don't want him to have anything to do with it. I want to recover regardless of him.
I think spring cleaning of the house or some other manual labour is in order.
Just realized something: I usually speak in a low voice, but all of a sudden I have this urge to be very loud
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Posts: 624
Ok, here is another one I'm angry about. Just had lunch with kids and we were clearing the table afterwards, and my D (11yo) said: I'm leaving the tablecloth, dad is coming any minute and he'll have lunch. I said: I don't think he's coming (he's always on his way home but hardly ever acctually makes it here), you take it off the table.
She said: No, he's coming he told me he is.
and than my 6 yo son said: You're so stupid. Can't you see he lies to you, he lies all the time.
(apparently I can only include 3 of this images, I feel like I could go forever)
She said: No, he's coming he told me he is.
and than my 6 yo son said: You're so stupid. Can't you see he lies to you, he lies all the time.
(apparently I can only include 3 of this images, I feel like I could go forever)
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
I ditto Jazzman's post. I get angry because I thought we were partners in this journey. We are suppose to help each other out and be a soft place to land at the end of the day. There is enough BS to deal with at work and in the world. I need to de-stress when I get home and it seems living with an A just adds to the stress. Oh and the broken heart part, that just sucks and it makes me wonder if I will choose to be alone for fear of another broken heart and that bothers me too. I also don't like being angry. It doesn't feel good and although it is part of life, with an A, it becomes too much a part of life.
Thanks I needed this thread because I am dealing with the Anger thing lately......
Ok time for happy thoughts....
Thanks I needed this thread because I am dealing with the Anger thing lately......
Ok time for happy thoughts....
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
The lying is probably what he did that makes me the MOST angry. When someone lies to you, they rob you of the ability and opportunity to make informed decsions. It is like controlling in a very sneaky way.
I also get angry that I cared so much for someone who treated me like dirt. The anger at myself is the worst, but it is easier to direct it all at him.
I also get angry that I cared so much for someone who treated me like dirt. The anger at myself is the worst, but it is easier to direct it all at him.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
I'm so tired of this anger. Every single thing in my life is rubbing me the wrong way. I can not stand anything. I feel like a horrible person for saying this: but even though I love them to bits, I can't be bothered with my kids right now either. I just want to be left alone. My 6 yo son is by my side constantly. he never stops talking for one single minute. And it's doing my head in. I just want to be left alone, but can't really arrange anything to have some time for myself. Sorry I just need to vent here. I'm the most patient mum at all times but for the past few days I'm just boiling inside. And feel guilty for it.
And I had the worse day yesterday. Exiting my car at the mall I tore my neckless and it vent under a car, so I had to go down on the floor to get it, and than as I was getting up from the floor I banged my head on my car door so hard it nearly knocked me down unconscious. Than retured home to find the winter jackets I washed the day before and left on the balkony to air dry have pigeon sh** all over it. I swear I've never seen so much pigeon sh** in my life. It was like the every single f***** pigeon in the town took a turn at decorating my jackets.
So imagine my delight when I had to scape it all off and wash them again. I know I'm rumbling here, but all of that made me insane. I was raging. Couldn't calm down. Just kept on thinking how much more sh** do I have to put up with in my life.
I'm going completly crazy here. Like from the distance I can see I'm insane and yet can not do anything about it.
I just feel like screaming to everyone and everything: Leave me the f*** alone!
I know I need to let this anger out of me, but it's overwhelming and I don't know how to do it, I don't want my kids to be affected by it, so I keep pushing it back in, which is making it worse. It's like I've taken a lid off it, to realize it's too strong, so I'm trying to put the lid back on, yet it can not be done.
God, I'm not making any sense here, I better stop ...
Sorry...
And I had the worse day yesterday. Exiting my car at the mall I tore my neckless and it vent under a car, so I had to go down on the floor to get it, and than as I was getting up from the floor I banged my head on my car door so hard it nearly knocked me down unconscious. Than retured home to find the winter jackets I washed the day before and left on the balkony to air dry have pigeon sh** all over it. I swear I've never seen so much pigeon sh** in my life. It was like the every single f***** pigeon in the town took a turn at decorating my jackets.
So imagine my delight when I had to scape it all off and wash them again. I know I'm rumbling here, but all of that made me insane. I was raging. Couldn't calm down. Just kept on thinking how much more sh** do I have to put up with in my life.
I'm going completly crazy here. Like from the distance I can see I'm insane and yet can not do anything about it.
I just feel like screaming to everyone and everything: Leave me the f*** alone!
I know I need to let this anger out of me, but it's overwhelming and I don't know how to do it, I don't want my kids to be affected by it, so I keep pushing it back in, which is making it worse. It's like I've taken a lid off it, to realize it's too strong, so I'm trying to put the lid back on, yet it can not be done.
God, I'm not making any sense here, I better stop ...
Sorry...
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Oh ******{sesh}}}}
I know exactly how you feel. I've had so many days like that. The cat would meow and I'd hate her for it. The anger and rage were so total and so close to the surface there was so much of it. I lost my patience with my children more often then they deserved and over things that didn't really matter. Then I had guilt about that to deal with and I managed to turn that into anger to I think.
I don't know that I have advice. I did not figure out how to deal with it really. I left the situation is how I finally dealt with it. I think the wise souls will be along soon and lend some advice. Hang in there.
I know exactly how you feel. I've had so many days like that. The cat would meow and I'd hate her for it. The anger and rage were so total and so close to the surface there was so much of it. I lost my patience with my children more often then they deserved and over things that didn't really matter. Then I had guilt about that to deal with and I managed to turn that into anger to I think.
I don't know that I have advice. I did not figure out how to deal with it really. I left the situation is how I finally dealt with it. I think the wise souls will be along soon and lend some advice. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by sesh
I swear I've never seen so much pigeon sh** in my life.
Sesh a while back I went on a vacation to Jamaica with some close friends of mine and I had THE best time. It's been a while since I could go on vacation and not worry about is (insert name here) gonna get drunk, is (insert name here) gonna get pissy, is (insert name here) gonna ruin another vacation...
Anyway you can get away with some girl friends and let your hair down and relax for a bit?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Hugs to you! The whole necklace, head hitting thing - then the pigeon crap - HOLY CRAP! You have to laugh at that stuff now or you could go nuts. I was also really really angry yesterday. Nothing in particular - Just ready to beat the hell out of someone or something! Know there are others struggling through this mess like you and I am hopeful for you and me that time will heal us. This too shall pass- there are better times ahead! Do something special for yourself!
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Hi Jazz,
I'm afraid it's not possible to do anything like that right now, but I'm planning a vacation midd June. It was supposed to be familly vacation. Every summer we go to Turkish coast and I love it there. I look forward to it all year long, start planning it in January. But this year after making some excusses like he's not sure will he be able to make it AH just said he doesn't want to go. So at first I was really dissapointed and hurt as he knows how much does it mean to me, and I didn't feel like going on a family vacation on my own with kids. But than it struck me even better. So I invited my mum and cousin to come along. And this time I more excited than ever. As this time there will be no his drinking to make me edgy and ruin everything, I'm just going to have nice, relaxing holiday.
I can't wait.
But in the meantime I have to do something about this anger, it's eating me up.
All day, apart from manically reading and posting here, I've spent the whole day chasing freaking pigeons from my balkony. I've put all my energy into it, like a proper head case, so have to admit I've worn myself down a bit, which has enabled me to see how crazy I've been and diminish some of my anger
I'm afraid it's not possible to do anything like that right now, but I'm planning a vacation midd June. It was supposed to be familly vacation. Every summer we go to Turkish coast and I love it there. I look forward to it all year long, start planning it in January. But this year after making some excusses like he's not sure will he be able to make it AH just said he doesn't want to go. So at first I was really dissapointed and hurt as he knows how much does it mean to me, and I didn't feel like going on a family vacation on my own with kids. But than it struck me even better. So I invited my mum and cousin to come along. And this time I more excited than ever. As this time there will be no his drinking to make me edgy and ruin everything, I'm just going to have nice, relaxing holiday.
I can't wait.
But in the meantime I have to do something about this anger, it's eating me up.
All day, apart from manically reading and posting here, I've spent the whole day chasing freaking pigeons from my balkony. I've put all my energy into it, like a proper head case, so have to admit I've worn myself down a bit, which has enabled me to see how crazy I've been and diminish some of my anger
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I think when we are going through the Anger thing it is normal to not want to be around anyone even the kids. It doesn't make you a bad mom, just human. You are going through alot and wanting to take time for yourself is only natural. It can be stressful raising little ones and we do not want to take our stuff out on them. When my girls were younger (they are 17 and 19 now) I would try and get a teenage neighbor or my sister to take them for a few hours. Then I would go shopping, take a long walk or get my nails done. That little bit of alone time really helped and I was much better when I returned to deal with the innocent ones in all this. Is there anyone that could help you out?
I hear you because I am getting a little stuck in the anger thing too. Hugs your way and remember this site is awesome for lifting your spirits.
I hear you because I am getting a little stuck in the anger thing too. Hugs your way and remember this site is awesome for lifting your spirits.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Maybe you're angry because your husband behaves more like a child than a man you can depend on. Pouting because you didn't notice he did something good? How old is he, really?
Exercise helps me get those angries out. But truly, the most effective way I've rid myself of that burning rage was to leave him.
Exercise helps me get those angries out. But truly, the most effective way I've rid myself of that burning rage was to leave him.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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Originally Posted by transformyself
Maybe you're angry because your husband behaves more like a child than a man you can depend on. Pouting because you didn't notice he did something good? How old is he, really?
Exercise helps me get those angries out. But truly, the most effective way I've rid myself of that burning rage was to leave him.
Exercise helps me get those angries out. But truly, the most effective way I've rid myself of that burning rage was to leave him.
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