Tealvertigo

My previous stepfather was an alcoholic. He drank around 6 or 7 bottles of beer daily and would be extremely nasty if he was without liquor. I believe he probably pressured my mom into unwanted intercourse more than once, but I can't prove that because I am only going by the sounds I heard during some nights. He made my sister cry alot, and I swore to never be like him.

Unfortunately, my anger grew against him after he left the family, and I became just like him a little less than a year ago when I began using stimulants and got hooked on them. Now, if I don't have my medicine, I am nasty like him, and I yell and holler.

Shortly after he left, I began stealing my mom's Oxycontin and Codeine, and my dad's Vicodin. I also abused sleep pills that I was prescribed, taking more than recommended to make the walls look all melty. I would not remember even getting high off of it at times if I did not discover videos on my laptop that I made of my high self, looking like an idiot.

But I'm not a bad person. I have a good heart, and I love everyone I know deeply.

So the point of this thread...I don't believe that my ex-stepfather was a bad man at all. I remember the days before his alcoholism, when he would take me fishing and let me drive his truck on the beach. He used to treat my mom well and make my sister feel like a princess. Then, he began drinking, and did crap like hit our dogs for dumb reasons, punch furniture, throw objects, call me a f*g, etc.

I remember looking into his eyes one time and he looked like he was about to cry, the same kind of tears wept by a prisoner.

Everyone in my extended family shuns him and calls him a monster, etc. However, something inside of me truly and deeply believes that he is a good man trapped in a prison of booze. I would not want a relationship with him right now, but I want to forgive him so I can move on with my own life. I truly do hope that he gets the help he needs and I hope he can be happy.

So, my question to all of you- what is the difference between understanding and loving when it comes to parents (who are addicts) that you have chosen to move on from? I don't feel like I love my ex-stepfather, but I do believe I understand, at this point, what he must have gone through.

SarahDoll

I don't know that there is a universal answer to your question. It is probably different for everyone. For me, loving and understanding go hand in hand, but trusting is a whole new ball game. Do I love my addicted Dad. Yes. Even though sometimes I feel like I don't. Do I understand him? Not perfectly, but pretty well. Do I trust him. No. Even when I know he's trying I don't trust him because he is still terribly inconsistent. I've found that it's the trust stuff that limits relationships more than love and understanding, but that's just me.

I also know it's possible to forgive people and never had a relationship with them again. Again, I think that goes back to trust. I forgive people for me, so I don't hold on to the negativity that goes with being hurt and angry. But when I let go of that, it doesn't mean the relationship is healed. If the other person isn't sorry and hasn't changed, there is huge potential for me to be hurt again and just because I forgave them doesn't mean I am going to put myself in a position I feel is dangerous for me.

dothi

IME there's a dangerous fine line between loving and understanding an alcoholic parent.

When we love someone, we accept them as they are. We admire their strengths, and we want to take care of them where they are weak.

When we understand someone, we accept their actions/choices because we can relate. That's where the danger part comes in.

As much as you believe you truly understand your stepfather, this may be where you can draw a healthy line. It's okay to understand your stepfather; it's not okay to stop there.

For example, you to your stepfather: "I understand you felt trapped/overwhelmed/depressed, and caused you to turn to drinking. I understand you had a hard life, feel neglected/abandoned/etc. I understand because I might have made the same choices during those hard times, if I had felt so trapped too."

Your follow-up to yourself: "However, I don't understand how you could stop at drinking if you knew you had a problem. Here's where I can't understand you anymore, because I'm a healthier person and I would choose to get help if my behavior was hurting someone."

I'm the daughter of an alcoholic father, and for 20 years I believed I was the only one who understood him. I wanted so bad to understand him, believing that if my "heathly" brain could understand, then my healthy brain could also figure out the answer and help him fix himself. I also wanted to do it because if he could get better, then my pain would have been well spent. I believed that I couldn't get better until he was better. I was that immeshed in my unhealthy alcoholic father.

Both your stepfather and my father are certainly good men trapped in their own prisons of booze. But believe me when I say this: if we were to go up to these men and tell them how much we've come to understand them, I bet $10000000000 their response will be the same, "Great! Finally! Let's have a drink."

That's because these men are addicted to alcohol, which means no matter what, they choose alcohol before choosing family, work, etc.

I can understand my dad. I can understand that he's gone through a lot of pain that's led him to his drunken prison. But I can't understand his choice to stay in that prison. And once I learned to respect that he's an adult and getting better/drunk is always going to be his choice, it became a lot easier to start forgiving because I accepted his choices had nothing to do with me.