Hadassah

I am so upset right now. My AH, since he left late march has been texting my dd's. I asked them not to text him, to just delete whatever text they get from him, but they didn't do that. Now he is asking my 16yr dd if she thinks if its too late for marriage counseling. Like it's her marriage?! He won't talk to me, he just texts the girls and wants to know how they feel, wants them to email him with all their feelings. I tell them he is just manipulating them, and is trying to get them on his side. I think now after talking to her she will stop reading his text. Now I need to talk to 14 yr dd and convince her to go no contact as well.
I applied for a Protective order, he should be getting served next week. I hope that it will put a stop to all the harrassment. Next stop the lawyers office Monday . This all just gets better and better!

suki44883

I'm sorry he's doing this. It's so hard for the kids. They feel like they have to take sides. It would be so much easier if everyone would play fair.

sesh

Sorry to hear you're going through this.
I'm just a bit confused, are they his daughters too? I'm not being smart, I just didn't understand if their are your kids only, or his as well?
Because if not what right does he have contacting them at all, but if they are than as hard as that is, in my opinion they allowed to have any kind of relationship they choose. I would make me crazy too to have my Ah manipulate our kids too, but I guess I'd have to take it and try to teach kids better by example and just try to do best on my side, as I'd have to understand their relationship with thier dad is not something I should try to control regardless of the fact how angry that makes me. It'd be just another one that I'd have to let go of.
All of this is making me think how hard it really is for things to get better. Even after he has left there is so much coming your way. My heart goes out for you.
Take care.

Hadassah

Thanks all. They are his kids. I don't feel as if HE has the right to toment them in this way. I feel as if I need to protect them from his abusiveness. As I recall Sesh, you said that your AH wasn't abusive. My AH is and I am so angry that he is reaching out in this way towards the kids. This is not a relationship, it's abuse. He is just trying to manipulate them and get them to take his side. I am not asking them to take sides. If they want to talk to him, they can. But not when he is causing them pain and confusion. It's painful enough going through this as it is.
Thanks for your reply and I hope things are going well for you and your family. H

Hadassah

I forgot to say that he is drunk when all these texts are coming through. He is at his mom's and reports are that he sits around there ranting and raving about how awful I am, how its all my fault, ect.... You get it.
He also told my dd that he was "run off, and I have the proof if you want to see it."
I also wish that he would play nice.

TooMuchSunShine

Hadasseh, I agree with you he's a stupic jerk! Mess with me all you want but NEVER mess with my kids is what I say. I hope the protective order helps.

Pelican

I'm sorry that your daughter's are having to listen to his BS. I know it won't do any good to speak to him. It may even hurt the situation because he will know that he is pushing your buttons.

This may be a good time to explain to your daughter's the difference between healthy/normal and alcoholic relationships. Like these:

In a healthy relationship, the adults don't involve their children in adult affairs.
In an alcoholic relationship, the A will manipulate, guilt and blame-shift everyone to create chaos and keep the focus off of themselves.

In a healthy relationship, the children never have to choose sides when their parents seperate.
In an alcoholic relationship, the children don't have to choose sides, but the alcoholic may try to create a winner and a loser.

In a healthy/normal relationship, the children will know that they did not cause the seperation and they are loved by both parents.
In an alcoholic relationship, they will be lead to think that one parent loves them more than the other.

I know you are mad at the A for involving the children in this way. Find healthy ways to express your anger. Don't stuff it. I find the best way to express my anger (without freaking out my children) is to get in my car, turn up the stereo and scream, curse, pound the seat and yell.

Hope you are able to the the protective order.

theuncertainty

Hadassah, I'm so sorry that you and your girls are having to go through this.

Hadassah

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and advice. They are filing around Tuesaday of next week, so I am praying the judge with grant it so AH will have to go no contact with them.
I think I will go pull weeds today and image AH's face as I throwing them on the compost pile. LOL.
Have a good day, H

SoloMio

Man, I know how you feel. When AH fell off the wagon he felt that in order to retain the loyalty of the kids he had to justify his drinking by trashing me--like his drinking was my fault. He also SO inappropriately talked to his kids about relationships he had had and other women he was interested in. I didn't know about this until one of my kids spilled the beans much later.

I do believe that our role in this is to be as sane as humanly possible--be proactive and assume that AH IS going to manipulate the kids in really bizarre ways, and so talk to the kids firmly about what's acceptable, without necessarily playing the same game and talking trash about their dad. Hard to do, but necessary. Give them guidance on how to respond if their dad starts with talk that they don't feel comfortable with. Picture their dad throwing them into a current, and then picture you as the buoy that they can hang onto... which means you have to be emotionally fixed and stable and represent safety and sanity to them.

While you're being a buoy to them, find a good outlet for yourself!

Ceres

"Now he is asking my 16yr dd if she thinks if its too late for marriage counseling." :crazy

I feel so bad for your daughter. :-(

Kittyboo

What a pathetic way for him to try and come across like he is a sympathetic and caring man to want to work on the marriage....he can say "at least I tried".
Whatever...what an a**. I'm sorry for your daughter too, and as she gets older she may very well resent him for putting her in the middle. He's making his own bed.

Hadassah

I feel sorry for her too. He is making all three of the kids resentful. He is ruining any relationship they did have. He will reap what he is sowing right now.