Conflicted yet angry

Old 04-29-2010, 07:11 AM
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Conflicted yet angry

So AH did sit down with the kids last night and talk to them about him being an alcoholic. I will tell you, it was like family day at rehab. It was very emotional. The oldest 2 (who are 9 and almost 7) took everything hard. They cried. I cried for them. AH cried. I felt nothing. He let them know that he is going to go to meetings, church, and read his books from treatment the first time. The thing that gets me is he PROMISED them he would never have a drink again. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. But that's a big promise to make and maybe break to the kids. Our oldest has hurt the worst. He is very withdrawn, won't talk to anyone, and already wants to spend as much time away from our home as possible- which I allow. He's detaching himself.

After the kids went to bed, AH was supposed to leave. I asked him to stay somewhere else and only work here. But he sat down and cried to me. Told me I am the closest thing to a saint he's ever met. I am a people pleaser and he made my heart black. He said he can't believe he's ever put me through the things he has. He says he understands if I want to leave. He is on day 6 with no alcohol. He still has had his moment of lashing out at me, name calling, etc. To him, I ignore this, but I come here to read or post.

I met with my counselor last night and I do feel better. I know I do not make to rash decisions. She gave me a name of a law office that works with low income divorces, which I would need since I am a SAHM and have been for 7 years. I am excited to know there are options out there.

I guess I am going to take it one day at a time. Try not to control anything. If he drinks, he drinks. If not, good for him. But I wonder if this is it. Does he finally see it. The thing that makes me question it is he says "if" I can do this, "if" I don't drink.
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Old 04-29-2010, 07:39 AM
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I'm enormously triggered by your post so I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing here

I think the most important thing is to remain true to yourself, hold your boundaries, focus on you and your needs, keep you and the kids in a good place.

Do not get stuck in the words because they are generally designed to manipulate through either kindness, guilt, or fear. Watch behavior. The behavior tells all.

Also, your own wise words, - take one day at a time.
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Old 04-29-2010, 07:42 AM
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ugh this is so hard sahmto4! *hugs* to you for keeping your cool and just taking things one day at a time.

I agree with Thumper...don't let the words he speaks get to you. He may well believe what he's saying at the moment he's saying them, but actions speak louder than words. 6 days without booze doesn't really mean that much, considering everything he's done for years and years.

Keep seeing the counsellor. Keep posting and reading and posting some more. Have you tried those online Al-Anon meetings?

You're doing really great!
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Old 04-29-2010, 08:05 AM
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You are so smart and a great mama. hang in there and keep doing what you're doing. the others are right - words don't mean anything - it's all in his actions.
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Old 04-29-2010, 08:08 AM
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Please keep reminding your children that they did not cause this.

Sometimes parents need time apart to learn to be better parents.
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Old 04-29-2010, 08:20 AM
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I have not tried the online meetings. I looked into going to one yesterday, but it conflicted with my counseling session. The next one is Monday. I see the online one, I could get on there tonight when the kids go to bed. I will try to get everything done so that I can get on there then. My counselor keeps suggesting Al-Anon as well, so I am guessing that is going to be a big part of my recovery.
I'm just going to keep on keepin' on.
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Old 04-29-2010, 09:13 AM
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hi mama-

i'm sorry that you and your children are going thru this. i find myself wondering, is your husband actually going to AA meetings? or is that just something he's talking about?

in my own recovery, i found it best not to rely on xABF for anything. make your plans so that they do not depend whatsoever on what he does. for example, if you decide to go to an alanon meeting, set it up so that you have a babysitter rather than rely on him.

alcoholics promise the world when they feel threatened of loosing their nest. anyone really in recovery would never promise to not drink again, as they understand that they are alcoholics and relapse is possible. they would say something like "i have not had a drink TODAY" which is really the most anyone can say.

as for your "normal drinking", mine tried to throw that back at me to. i really couldn't see how my 2 or 3 drinks compared at all to his 2 or 3 sessions a day, but in his head, i was the one with the drinking problem. it's all projection and blame shifting, something they are fantastic at.

have you met with the lawyer yet? no harm in getting your process started...you always have the option of not filing.

now is the time to ask your friends for support. it's hard to ask for help but i found that when i did, there was plenty of it available. all i needed to do was reach out.

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Old 04-29-2010, 10:41 AM
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Right now, he is not going to any AA meetings. Said he wants to go to one tonight, but said something wanting to go to closed meetings as opposed to open. I'm not clear on what that means, just know that is what he said. So will he go tonight? Who knows.

I have not yet met with a lawyer. I want to, but again, am afraid to take that next step wondering if I will regret my decisions. Always second guessing myself. I did tell AH that I would hold off on the divorce if he could give me a separation. He agreed to that. I told him I need to heal my broken self and that I can't do that if he is always around. I have to have distance from him. From us. I need to show the kids how to be strong. To take control of your own life. To live without being scared.

My family and friends have been great. The only thing I don't agree with is their pushing me to end it NOW. When I do this, it will be on my terms. Not theirs, and not AH.
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Old 04-29-2010, 10:52 AM
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Thank you. I was unsure.
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Old 04-29-2010, 10:57 AM
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Originally Posted by sahmto4 View Post
I have not yet met with a lawyer. I want to, but again, am afraid to take that next step wondering if I will regret my decisions. Always second guessing myself.
Meeting with a lawyer does not oblige you to DO anything. It simply provides you with important information, which you can then use when making decisions. The more information you have, the less second-guessing you will likely do.

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Old 04-29-2010, 11:31 AM
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I agree with LTD...a simple meeting will no doubt cost you nothing (a lot of lawyers offer a free initial consultation, or one that's very affordable), and will give you an idea on what your options are.

I too have second guessed myself a lot in my life, and the way I "trick" myself into moving forward is to take little steps that do not force me to make any decisions, such as making a call, surfing online for more information, or speaking to a lawyer. I'll agonize over the actual decision later on, but at least I'll be well armed with the right information.

Just give it a shot and see where it leads you; it might be very surprising...
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Old 04-29-2010, 05:28 PM
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one thing that helped me was this phrase that i learned here:

stop giving him a soft place to land.


i can remember many times as i laid him down in his drunken wretchedness and those words came into my head.

stop giving him a soft spot to land.

i know now that the kindest, most compassionate thing to do is to let them suffer the consequences of their drinking. as we all know, they just won't listen to reason and will continue to blame us.

it's an ugly disease and it will take the whole family down with it.

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