rdy4change

So, STBEX has been asking repeatedly if I'll come back to him if he goes to treatment. Now, remember...two weeks ago he went in for a whopping 30 hours and came home. Now that DD and I have moved out, he's sorry he left and wants to go back.

He called last Saturday and asked where our relationship was going. Really?? I know that if he goes and I would go back, after a short time, or long time...he would think...'oh she's back and i can start drinking again'. I KNOW him...I know how he works. Anyway...on my last post, you guys suggested being honest so even though I wanted to skirt the question so he would go, I was honest. I told him that I don't want to be married to him anymore. He was speachless (seriously...that was a surprise?).

I asked him, why he would want to be married to me anyway. His response was 'why do you think'? I asked him if he loves me so much and wants to make it work, why didn't he go to treatment last June when we did the intervention? Why didn't he go when he was in the ER for the first time and I said...I'll divorce you if I you don't go. Why didn't he go at the 2nd ER visit when I told him I just came from my attorney's office. Why didn't he go the day he got served with divorce papers (Feb)? I told him I don't believe he will go. He said flat out....I won't go if there's no chance you'll come back.

That was last Saturday. Monday he brought it up again. Then again yesterday. I'm standing strong....I WILL NOT go back. I know that the future will not be better with this man. I feel sad and angry...he wasn't always this way and we had many happy years together.

Anyone have experience with this? Will he 'stalk' me forever or finally move on? I saw this post on Hazelden's website today...couldn't be more appropriate as I, or any of us move on.

God, help me pay attention to my behaviors during the process of initiating relationships. Help me take responsibility for myself and learn what I need to learn. I will trust that the people I want and need will come into my life. I understand that if a relationship is not good for me, I have the right and ability to refuse to enter into it - even though the other person thinks it may be good for him or her. I will be open to the lessons I need to learn about me in relationships, so I am prepared for the best possible relationships with people.

suki44883

He's trying to guilt you. He says he won't go if there is no chance for the two of you. That is an attempt to blame YOU for his drinking. Then he can say to everyone that he drinks because you left him and took his child away. It's a bunch of BS.

No, you do not have to put up with that behavior. Tell him you don't care if he drinks or not because you are done. Let the divorce go through. Minimal contact with him regarding your mutual child only. If he starts in on the other stuff, just hang up. Be consistent. Eventually, he'll get the message.

Thumper

Yes, I had a very very similar experience. My husband also said "....I won't go if there's no chance you'll come back." He is putting his recovery squarely on your shoulders. Of course we both know that is not right, not how it works etc. I can relate to him being surprised that the relationship is over.

I just know what I know. He still does not admit/accept/understand or see things from my perspectivce. He never will and I have had to accept that. He still says that if only I'd go back to how it was, he'd find recovery. That is such a crock. Quack Quack Quack.

The first few months were hard. Before he moved out it was relentless. He still sends emails once in awhile but I rarely hear from him now so it does end, or at least it did in my case. I filed and he went into treatment in August. Sept, October, and November were hellish. He moved out the beginning of December, I moved 30 miles away at Christmas, our divorce was final in January, we sold the house in March. With each of those steps the contact was less and less.

Insulated

IF he was serious about the commitment to sobriety, that alone will trump any relationship issue.

Thumper

Suki is right. Don't even talk to him about it anymore. Have a few one line reponses in your pocket for those time when you will need to be in contact with him (this is what my counselor recommended) and the rest of the time just refuse to engage. It will make it so much easier on you.

Duped

Mine got the message after awhile and I never, ever mention her drinking anymore. Now she just sticks pins in her ****** doll of me all day.

nodaybut2day

It'll take a while, but eventually, he'll move onto someone else. In the meantime, just go and do not pay him any attention.

IamSaved

I left in February, and my A never contacted me. He didn't follow the 'typical' pattern of begging, pleading and promising to go to rehab if I returned. The lack of contact was a blessing! Praying for you that you stay strong, and keep the faith!

Pelican

My ex asked me if I would stay if he got sober. I was honest (after years of begging) and told him "NO". I told him in the past I thought sober was what I wanted. The truth is I wanted more. I want honest, open, forth-right and to be treated with respect as an equal partner in life.

Anytime he brought up second chances or promises to change after that conversation: I said it is non-negotiable and hung up.

When we recommend no contact and limiting conversations to business decisions concerning your children, we are not recommending this to get back at or punish the alcoholic. We are recommending this for your sanity and serenity.

I recommend this wisdom:
Say what you mean,
Mean what you say, but
Don't say it mean.

Don't let your alcoholic keep talking you in circles. Get the respect you deserve and cut off conversations that minimize your decisions.

naive

hi rdy4chng-

mine stalked me until i went completely no contact. actually, he still stalked me for awhile until he settled into his drinking and got another woman.

if you're tempted to speak to him, just recall that day he threw all your stuff on the floor and cut off your cell phone. and if that's not enough, just recall your moving day.

or, you could just consider that he says he doesn't care for DD and you can have full custody of her.

and he's surprised you want out of the marriage?

i am so glad that you and DD are safe at your parents and away from his madness.

rdy4change

I love you guys. That's all I can say.