DBF

I am new to internet forums. I just needed some place to turn to see if I am as alone in my situation as I feel I am.

My wife of 20 years is an alcoholic. She has been an alcoholic for about 10 years. She gets home from her part time job by 3 pm and most days she is passed out drunk by 5:30 pm. She has not been fired or arrested for DUI so I guess she is a "functional alcoholic".

I get so ashamed of her being drunk, especially in front of our 14 year old son. I am too ashamed to take her out to dinner when she is drunk.

I have tried to talk to her about her drinking but she refuses to engage in a conversation. She just goes glassy-eyed and agrees to whatever I am saying to end the conversation as soon as possible. I never see any results. I have tried to tell her that there is a time and a place for getting drunk. No luck. I have asked her to cut back. No luck. I have asked her not to get drunk in front of our son. No luck. I have asked her to flat out quit drinking. No go. I have even told her that if she doesn't quit I will take our son and leave her. Still no effect.

My nights are the worst. I feel so lonely and frustrated. I made a vow to her to stand by her for better and for worse, in sickness and in health. But after years of struggling with this I am reaching the end of my patience. I keep wondering how my happiness and well being balance in the cosmic scales of right and wrong? Am I a terrible husband for feeling like I am at the end of my rope?

Recently I have been thinking that in three years my son will have graduated high school and will most likely move out on his own. At that time I can leave her and not be leaving my son under a bad influence.

So, now I have ran on with my sob story. Am I alone in this situation? Does anyone else understand what I am going through?

Thanks for listening.

DBF

Catkill23

I was the alchoholic, in a similar situation. All I can say is we don't do this to hurt you or the kids. We have a disease, we can't stop. When we do stop, the withdraw symptons are too hard to bear at the point it sounds your wife is at and what I was.
It is not like a bad hangover for us, we really don't get hungover anymore. It is crazy, and the only thing to make us feel sane is drinking.

All I can tell you is love her, and maybe have you and your son take her to dinner. Let her drink if she want's. But talk to her that night with the son, and send her to a 3 day detox. Most states have a free one she can go to. The detox is not bad, they feed you and have you stay sober. When she get's out make sure she goe's to AA.

Also, if you and your son can leave for a month do so, maybe visit and call her every other day.

This is your only hope. She will get it though. And remember she doesn't mean to hurt you.

DBF

Catkill23, thanks for the reply. I appreciate your words. I do not think she is trying to hurt my son or I with her drinking, I just feel that drinking is more important to her than her family. I would guess that she would disagree, but I do not know how else to express what I am feeling.

Just getting a kind response has helped me feel a little better. Thanks agin for your kind words.

Catkill23

alchohol is more important because otherwise it's like getting your fingernails pulled out of your hands. We need the detox, then we need others to talk about the disease.

It's hard to come to a realization that it is a disease, once she and you do it will make sense.

Right now it may seem as no will power, but that is just because of the disease we can't stop drinking. It is more of the thoughts of the alchoholic that is the disease. We think different then your average controlled drinker, and drinking made me cope with other peoples thoughts. We need coping mechanism's other then alchohol, which we get after about 6 months. If she can get this, it will be well worth it, and you will be thankful she has the diesease, as so will she.

Impurrfect

(((DBF))) - welcome to SR! You are most definitely not alone. If you read posts in this forum, you will find many, many people who are, or were are in the same situation.

I'm both an RA (recovering addict) as well as someone who has loved ones how are addicts and I spent many, many hours on the friends & family forums and it gave me great comfort to know I was not alone.

I highly recommend reading the book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie, and perhaps attending al-anon meetings - they are for loved ones of alcoholics. They don't teach you how to "fix" the alcoholic, but more how to put the focus on YOU, which is the thing you need to do.

The alcoholic/addict will not do anything about their drinking/using until they hit bottom.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

DBF

Impurrfect,

Thanks for the response to my post. I appreciate it. I have to admit that I am indeed struggling with the disease/will power thing. I am trying to keep an open mind.

Thank you also for the explanation of the acronym (RA). As I read the posts in the forums I am not always sure what they really mean.

DBF

barb dwyer

DBF - Welcome to SR!

I hope you'll read something here that will help you...
and I hope you'll seek support in 3-D as well.

many people get their start here, however -
this is a great community - welcome!

Thumper

Welcome.

You are not alone! You have found a place with so much wisdom and support, and where people truely get it, which was such a relief to me. If you go to the top of the forum there are some stickied posts up there. I found a lot of them helpful when I first found this forum.

You are NOT a terrible husband. We have all struggled, or are struggling, with similar questions and feelings. I second the book recommendation mentioned as well as al-anon. There is a group for teens called Al-ateen too.

Gold

hello and welcome. You are not alone .
You are not a terrible person for feeling like you are at the end of your rope. That is a perfectly normal reaction to this situation.


I personally dont see how leaving would damage your son. how damaging is the situation as it is now for him? Could you take him with you?

Would you consider Al Anon for some information and support?

have you read the stickies at the tiop of this page?

We are all here for the same reason having lived with an alcoholic in our lives and are here for you.

Sting

You are certainly not alone here. I am dealing with the same issues with my wife. We have two young kids and it has been very scary. She is finally getting to the point where she wants to get help. She has had to reach this place in her mind on her own.

I did not handle things well in the beginning and I would strongly encourage you to attend your local Al Anon meeting. This group has been a godsend. You see that you are not alone and that you share so many experiences with so many people. You will learn to take care of yourself which is all that you can do when faced with this disease.

I wish you the best and come back here often!

celticghirl

Hi im just posting to say welcome and you are in the best place,we all know how you feel. I hope you get all you can out of this site. xxxx

HoopNinja

DBF--
First--welcome. Come often--it will help you sort things out and maybe you can find some peace.

I have been where you are at. I have been married to an active alcoholic and drug abuser for 12 years. We have 2 kids. I thought when we got married he would quit to keep our marriage--because he promised me he would. When we were in the middle of adopting our first child--he was dry for 6 months--then the day the hospital called and said something was wrong with his urine test--he needed to come back in he completely lost it because he had just gotten high. He seemed to straighten out and child number 2 arrived. He quit his job shortly after that and spent his days getting high and his nights getting drunk.

I could not take it anymore. He had been in outpatient treatment once-and admitted to me he was an alcoholic and drug abuser and wanted to get better but did not want to go to any of "those organized meetings because he was not one of them".

He never got better. Throughout the years I begged, I cried, I yelled, I searched for his booze and drugs and waved them in front of his face, I threatened divorce if he would not stop. It did not work.
I came here and I read Codependent No More--and then instead of working on STBXAH I started to work on me.

STBXAH also has anger problems on top of his abuse problems. I am the child of an alcoholic mother and after being on this forum for close to a year I finally made a plan to leave. When I got married I never planned on being married to an alocholic/drug addict. Many times my wedding vows were thrown in my face after I decided to finally leave. I finally realized I wanted a life and I wanted my kids to have a life--and what we had was not a life. For me it was finally when my older son asked my why dad could not just stop--that if dad really loved us he would stop--that I knew it was time to go. He made it easy to leave by getting extremely violent one day--it made the leaving easier.

It is 9 months later and he is still drinking and getting high. I moved into my own place with our 2 sons 2 weeks ago and felt a peace I had not felt in over 12 years. Am I sad that my marriage is over-no. Am I sad that the dream I thought my marriage was going to be is over-yes. But I am happy that our kids no longer have to worry about daddy being drunk. I can remember that feeling when I was a kid--not good.

Have you talked to your son about his mom? You might want to check out AlaTeen for your son. I am sure he has also been impacted by him mom's alcoholism and it might be good for him to be around other kids in the same situation as him.

dreamstones

DBF,

Welcome to the forum. NO, you are not alone and YES, we all understand! Also, this isn't a sob story, this is about a disease that kills and ruins lives.

You've started making steps you need to learn how to deal with this. A few more bits of advice. Find an Al-Anon meeting you can start attending and for your son, look into Al-A-Teen. You need to learn how you and your son can live with this and also realize the three C's, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

As painful as it is to watch our addicted loved ones basically kill themselves, we are suffering just as much and in some cases, we are consumed with how to "fix" things so much that we drive ourselves to the edge as well.

Keep posting, keeping reading, and also seek the support of meetings. You will start gaining the skills needed to live through this and until your wife wants to quit drinking by her own choice, you need to take care of yourself and your son.

nodaybut2day

Hi there...I just wanted to chime in with a to SR. This is an awesome and supportive place. I hope you keep coming back.

With regards to your son, have you considered taking him to an Al-Ateen meeting, or even broaching the topic of his mother's disease? He's old enough to know full well what's going on, and as much as you have lots to say on the topic, so does he. It may even surprise you what he's got to say...

From reading your post, I get the feeling that you want to stay with your partner to protect your son from him. As a mother to a toddler, I completely understand where you stand. Have you considered talking to a lawyer about what you could obtain with regards to custody/visitation considering the fact that your spouse has an addiction problem? At his age, your son would be old enough to express to the courts where he prefers to live (with dad or with mom), and the courts may well respect his wishes. Again, a lawyer is better equiped to inform you on these topics...

*hugs* you are definitely not alone. Keep posting!!

Jazzman

Welcome to SR DBF. You will find a lot of people here that know exactly what you are going through. I know exactly what's its like for the kids to see Mommy passed out on the couch at 5:30pm every night, "exhausted from another tough day".

Addiction to alcohol is like any other addiction where there is lots of denial and dysfunction and pain and suffering by the entire family. I like to share a post with new comers that really helped me. It's in the "best of" section of SR and I followed each step as though my sanity depended on it. Good luck and keep posting!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

mariemarie

DBF, I am about 10 years from where you are. My alcoholic husband got into AA after a number of years of being a functional drunk with his hypervigilant, embarrassed wife covering for him.

Keeping secrets and avoiding confronting the issue serve nothing except to enable her drinking.

My main concern is for your son. My daughter was his age when things got bad with the husband and I did just what you were doing, tried to keep my chin up and act as if everything was okay. Years later, I wish I'd known to tell her, "Your dad's drinking is out of control. We didn't cause this, we can't control and can't cure it. But we can take care of ourselves and hope he'll get help for his illness."

Your son knows this situation is not right. Trust me, he KNOWS.

I urge you to 1) get yourself and son into family counseling. Invite Mom to come along but don't push her. And 2) go to al-anon meetings and get your boy to Al-Ateen. Let Mom know you're going because although you love her, this illness is taking its toll on the family and you need to take care of yourself and your boy.

She might get mad and lash out but stay strong. Do it for your son, and yourself.

I will keep you in my thoughts. Having been there, I know the sense of pain, frustration and worry.

Still Waters

Welcome! You aren't alone!

FindingPeace1

Welcome!
Have you looked for Alanon in your area?

Hugs,
peace