I think he finally understands.
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
I think he finally understands.
I had 17 voice mails this morning. All left in a 45 minute time frame from last night.
Between 7:30 and 8:15 this morning he called me 20 times. Left only one voice mail. The last time he called I finally answered. I said "you're only making this harder than it needs to be. Please don't call me anymore!" He said he didn't want to argue and he's begging me to listen to him. I said I'm begging you to stop calling me.
Again, he started babbling on about how I am his god and he needs me for this and that reason.
And then he flat out told me he will NEVER drink again, that he's given up that life. He doesn't want it anymore. I nearly wrecked my car!!!! In two years he has said many, many things that had me believing he meant he'd never drink again. But in reality that's not what he meant at all (probably a manipulation tactic--he knew what I wanted to hear so he was going to say it without actually saying it. Then I couldn't use it against him as a broken promise in the future?). Anyway. He flat out said he was done drinking, it's not a life he wants. I was shocked. Blown away. I wanted to get ecstatic, excited, thrilled. But I didn't. I calmly wished him luck. He asked me if he could come over tonight so we could talk. I said there was nothing left to talk about. He said he just wanted one more try. I said no. He said he'd see me tonight. I firmly said do NOT come over to my house. He asked me to call him later. I said no. He said I love you. I said good bye.
My phone was silent ALL day. It was quite a relief, rather relaxing.
THEN at 6:30 tonight I got 8 text messages from his A sister. And that really ticked me off again. I'm not one to actually hate a person but I cannot stand that woman. She just urkes me the wrong way. I don't like her. No matter how hard I've tried I just do not want anything to do with her. I cringe at the sound of her name. And now she's texting me!!?!?!?! Anyway. Her text messages.....
This is (A sis) and I want you to know my brother borrowed a bike and rode it all the way to try and see you. He doesn't choose us over you nor would I ask him to. I really understand you more than you know. Me and him have talked. He has cried for 3 days I know of. He made a button with your picture on it. I'm not making excuses for him but my brother loves you and I know he has messed up so many times but you and the kids are everything to him. He wants to change and sell everything to be with yall. He's scared he's too late though. Don't tell him I text you but please if you love him I know you do please call him or text me back. You all are worth one more try.
I fought off the urge but ended up texting her back. I said "If he's on his way here then try to stop him. I will call the cops and have him arrested. I don't want anything to do with him right now. I can't do it anymore!"
She text back.......He's not. I'll take him and the bike back. He was just trying to make an effort to make things right. I may have been wrong since it's so easy for you to lock him up. I'll help him try to move on.
That was four hours ago. My phone has been silent. I am putting a deposit down on a house Friday. Hope to move in by the middle of May. Soon as I move in, I'm changing my number (again).
The madness is going to stop.
peace
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi kv-
well, mine did similar and when i took him back, his good behavior lasted about one month and then he slowly started slipping back into the old behaviors.
it is very easy to say things like "i love you. i'll never drink again" but has he taken steps to, say, go to AA? to actually be sober for a few weeks? to respect your request of no contact?
if i was you, i would change my phone number NOW. that will help communicate that you mean what you are saying.
you know, kv, if he wants to get sober, he doesn't require to be in contact with you to do so. he can go ahead and get help without you.
as much as we want them to get better, we all understand now that they have to want it for themselves and not as a bargaining tool to get us back. if he really is done with the drink, then he will get sober. it doesn't have anything to do with you really.
naive
well, mine did similar and when i took him back, his good behavior lasted about one month and then he slowly started slipping back into the old behaviors.
it is very easy to say things like "i love you. i'll never drink again" but has he taken steps to, say, go to AA? to actually be sober for a few weeks? to respect your request of no contact?
if i was you, i would change my phone number NOW. that will help communicate that you mean what you are saying.
you know, kv, if he wants to get sober, he doesn't require to be in contact with you to do so. he can go ahead and get help without you.
as much as we want them to get better, we all understand now that they have to want it for themselves and not as a bargaining tool to get us back. if he really is done with the drink, then he will get sober. it doesn't have anything to do with you really.
naive
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
If I'm doing such the right thing, then why does it feel so wrong? I just feel like I'm being an awful person. We didn't have a relationship, we rode a roller coaster. And it's that I can't do anymore. It's the "go to hell" tonight and "I love you baby" tomorrow. It's his bad mouthing, screaming at, putting me down over the phone.....hanging up on ME and then calling me two days later "why haven't you called me yet?" It's the box full of promises that have either not been met or have been broken.
Staying strong is really hard when "staying" is the hardest thing in the world--and that's staying gone or staying with him. Both choices are a fight.
I just feel so cold. But, I'm hoping, this too shall pass.
Staying strong is really hard when "staying" is the hardest thing in the world--and that's staying gone or staying with him. Both choices are a fight.
I just feel so cold. But, I'm hoping, this too shall pass.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
There's a difference between "finally understanding" and panicking because he's finally going to lose his primary enabler.
If he really "finally understood," it would be AA that he's calling and texting twenty times a night, not you.
Stay the course...!
CLMI
If he really "finally understood," it would be AA that he's calling and texting twenty times a night, not you.
Stay the course...!
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by kv816 
If I'm doing such the right thing, then why does it feel so wrong?
Staying strong is really hard when "staying" is the hardest thing in the world--and that's staying gone or staying with him. Both choices are a fight.
I just feel so cold. But, I'm hoping, this too shall pass.
Staying strong is really hard when "staying" is the hardest thing in the world--and that's staying gone or staying with him. Both choices are a fight.
I just feel so cold. But, I'm hoping, this too shall pass.
Neither is an easy choice, but you have figured out that the madness has to end FOR YOU. Sounds like he may not accept your decision for a long time.
Keep fighting the urge to go back, knowing strength will come every time you re-assure yourself, "I'm doing this to get sanity back in MY life... because that's what I need."
Addiction is a disease. Those of us who've become a close part of the A's life become sick, too. They become OUR disease... waiting/hoping this time they say they're done, it really happens!
Stay strong!
HUGS,
Kim
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by kv816
If I'm doing such the right thing, then why does it feel so wrong? I just feel like I'm being an awful person. We didn't have a relationship, we rode a roller coaster. And it's that I can't do anymore. It's the "go to hell" tonight and "I love you baby" tomorrow. It's his bad mouthing, screaming at, putting me down over the phone.....hanging up on ME and then calling me two days later "why haven't you called me yet?" It's the box full of promises that have either not been met or have been broken.
CaTlovermi is absolutely correct. If he really understood he'd be calling his AA sponsor.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
kv,
feeling like you're doing the wrong thing, is just part of the lie that you believed for so long. the lie about you two belonging together, the lie that he loves you in the right way. i have loved two addicts in my life. i know everyone's different, but i was not shown overt disrespect over the years - name-calling, yelling. some people are just so rage-filled, and they have learned to take it out on their loved one. it's likely that this treatment of you is not because he is an a - it goes deeper than that.
i agree that just because he is telling you he's done -- and he probably really believes that today -- doesn't mean he is, and doesn't mean he's getting healthy. he cannot just put down the bottle and everything magically disappears.
as for the sister: i guess i can't blame her too much for trying to convince you. she loves him and sees him sufferering. she also believes the lie.
oh, i was creeped out by him calling you his god too. wow.
feeling like you're doing the wrong thing, is just part of the lie that you believed for so long. the lie about you two belonging together, the lie that he loves you in the right way. i have loved two addicts in my life. i know everyone's different, but i was not shown overt disrespect over the years - name-calling, yelling. some people are just so rage-filled, and they have learned to take it out on their loved one. it's likely that this treatment of you is not because he is an a - it goes deeper than that.
i agree that just because he is telling you he's done -- and he probably really believes that today -- doesn't mean he is, and doesn't mean he's getting healthy. he cannot just put down the bottle and everything magically disappears.
as for the sister: i guess i can't blame her too much for trying to convince you. she loves him and sees him sufferering. she also believes the lie.
oh, i was creeped out by him calling you his god too. wow.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
um, kv, can we just have a big ol' party for you, 'cause you're MY god for standing up to all that manipulative b.s, both from your ex AND his sister??!!
I know this is SUPER hard, because you're breaking some very ingrained habits, but there is a part of you, albeit a small one, that knows full well what you have to do to save yourself from this madness. Try to listen to that part and remember to congratulate yourself for not falling for his attempts (a button with your name on it?? Does he think that erases all the hurt somehow?...geeez).
Once again, let me reiterate: you rock.
I know this is SUPER hard, because you're breaking some very ingrained habits, but there is a part of you, albeit a small one, that knows full well what you have to do to save yourself from this madness. Try to listen to that part and remember to congratulate yourself for not falling for his attempts (a button with your name on it?? Does he think that erases all the hurt somehow?...geeez).
Once again, let me reiterate: you rock.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
He made a button with your picture on it.
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Thank you.
I broke down today. I tried so hard to fight it off. It's impossible trying to talk when the back of your throat is so extremely tight that it hurts. I fought it as hard as I could. But I felt a tear run down my cheek and I lost it. I was driving at the time and had to pull over to the side of the road.
For the longest time I thought I had nothing left. I had no emotions, other than anger. I've sat down a hundred times in the last year to write him a letter. But nothing ever came out. I thought it meant there just wasn't anything left in me for him. I left Al-Anon for awhile; because I was so numb I didn't think I needed it anymore. But after losing it today I realized that it wasn't that I had figured it all out. I had just gotten so cold that I built this wall around me no one and nothing could penetrate....not even emotions.
I pulled out old journals when I got home tonight and starting reading. Each entry dated, going back two years. They are all so similar. I guess my hearts been broken a lot longer than just the last few days.
I got a new tattoo the other day. It's on my left wrist, top and bottom. Only the inside is finished, I still have to do the outside. When it's completely finished, in Chinese Kanji it has the words "serenity, courage and wisdom" with a baby hummingbird wrapped around each word. She looks like she's just floating there, taking in the nectar of each word.
Each time I fight to hold myself together, I see it. And when I fall apart, cover my face with my hands, I see it. And I lose it. Not for what could have been but I turn to the Serenity Prayer and udder "God help me" to myself.
God helped me today by letting me fall apart.
I can't say that I miss ABF, or anything that went along with our crazy relationship. But I am devastated nonetheless.
Maybe someday he'll be okay. Maybe someday he'll find and thank me. Maybe someday he'll apologize....and really mean it.
As for me, today I'M just shooting for okay.
Thanks for listening to me babble.
YouTube - Nico Stai - Maybe Maybe
I broke down today. I tried so hard to fight it off. It's impossible trying to talk when the back of your throat is so extremely tight that it hurts. I fought it as hard as I could. But I felt a tear run down my cheek and I lost it. I was driving at the time and had to pull over to the side of the road.
For the longest time I thought I had nothing left. I had no emotions, other than anger. I've sat down a hundred times in the last year to write him a letter. But nothing ever came out. I thought it meant there just wasn't anything left in me for him. I left Al-Anon for awhile; because I was so numb I didn't think I needed it anymore. But after losing it today I realized that it wasn't that I had figured it all out. I had just gotten so cold that I built this wall around me no one and nothing could penetrate....not even emotions.
I pulled out old journals when I got home tonight and starting reading. Each entry dated, going back two years. They are all so similar. I guess my hearts been broken a lot longer than just the last few days.
I got a new tattoo the other day. It's on my left wrist, top and bottom. Only the inside is finished, I still have to do the outside. When it's completely finished, in Chinese Kanji it has the words "serenity, courage and wisdom" with a baby hummingbird wrapped around each word. She looks like she's just floating there, taking in the nectar of each word.
Each time I fight to hold myself together, I see it. And when I fall apart, cover my face with my hands, I see it. And I lose it. Not for what could have been but I turn to the Serenity Prayer and udder "God help me" to myself.
God helped me today by letting me fall apart.
I can't say that I miss ABF, or anything that went along with our crazy relationship. But I am devastated nonetheless.
Maybe someday he'll be okay. Maybe someday he'll find and thank me. Maybe someday he'll apologize....and really mean it.
As for me, today I'M just shooting for okay.
Thanks for listening to me babble.
YouTube - Nico Stai - Maybe Maybe
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
As for an apology...
I got lots of apologies over the years from my ABF, now active in his recovery. The only one that I ever felt was sincere was the day he said "Goodbye" to me for his 28 day inpatient stay.
I still doubted his sincerety to his recovery till very recently but everyday he gets closer with his sponser and more honest with himself, I have a little more faith in it. (and, in turn, he has been honest with me... lots of heart to heart talks now).
I'm a tattoo lovin' woman, and I like the description of your wrist tattoo and when it comes "into your view".... what it means to you. Love it!
Thinking of you!
Kim
I still doubted his sincerety to his recovery till very recently but everyday he gets closer with his sponser and more honest with himself, I have a little more faith in it. (and, in turn, he has been honest with me... lots of heart to heart talks now).
I'm a tattoo lovin' woman, and I like the description of your wrist tattoo and when it comes "into your view".... what it means to you. Love it!
Thinking of you!
Kim
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
pulled out old journals when I got home tonight and starting reading. Each entry dated, going back two years. They are all so similar. I guess my hearts been broken a lot longer than just the last few days.
I actually used to write letters on the computer as my release ( I now keep a journal ), but at one point I had looked back at the letters I had written to my XA, and didn't even realize that I had written one just one month after I had gotten here and it expressed how lonely I was feeling, how he had just disappeared.
I didn't even realize how he wasn't even there for me that soon after I had gotten here.
All of those signs for me there and I STILL didn't want to see what was really going on.
It's just amazing how selective our memory can be.
SENDING YOU LOT'S OF STRENGTH...YOU"RE AMAZING!
I actually used to write letters on the computer as my release ( I now keep a journal ), but at one point I had looked back at the letters I had written to my XA, and didn't even realize that I had written one just one month after I had gotten here and it expressed how lonely I was feeling, how he had just disappeared.
I didn't even realize how he wasn't even there for me that soon after I had gotten here.
All of those signs for me there and I STILL didn't want to see what was really going on.
It's just amazing how selective our memory can be.
SENDING YOU LOT'S OF STRENGTH...YOU"RE AMAZING!
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