explaining to family of AH
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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explaining to family of AH
I sent a letter to my mother in law and sister in law. They both blame me for everything. This is what I sent:
I do not want any drama. I will tell you the same things I told Sam. I am done enabling Sam. I am continuing to go to counseling, I am educating myself on alcoholics/alcoholism. The best thing for me to do for Sam, myself, and our children is to let him go. He is destroying himself and we have allowed him to destroy us. My happiness, the kids' happiness, matters too. I have sat behind him, tried to stand beside him, and tried to walk in front of him hoping he would follow. He won't, can't, doesn't. It's his life, and I am not going to watch him keep self destructing taking down anyone or anything in his way.
I do feel that you, Bob, Stacy, and Josh are also enablers. He puts us down, controls us, yet we come back for more. Why because we love him? He gets angry at you on the phone and hangs up on you. He controls the situation. And most of the time it is over something ridiculous. When he is angry on the phone with you I shake my head at the crazy things he is upset with but then when he hangs up on you, he makes me believe you were the problem. I have begun to think the worst in everyone b/c he always has something evil to say about them....then follows it up eventually with how much they mean to him. It is very conflicting.
I loved him, I worried about him, I spent countless hours alone wondering when he would be home, or if he was even coming home. I was neglected, the kids were neglected. I tried to talk to him, help him, reason with him, and I even tried to control his alcohol consumption. I cried, I begged, I threatened, I yelled, and I have drove myself completely insane. I put faith in his words, believed ALL of his promises, and always thought "THIS TIME" was it. He would see the pain, hurt, and choose me, our family, over the alcohol. I have forgotten who I am. For years, I was just the wife of an alcoholic husband. I believed this was normal. It is far from the norm. In the end I am a bitter bitch. I have accepted many things that now seem crazy to me.
Sam needs to get well. He needs to beat his demons, love himself, before he can completely love me, you, the kids, anyone. He sees himself as the best of the best at everything he does, and while that's not always a bad trait, he also need to realize that he doesn't need to be. Failing is a part of life. When he fails, we are blamed. If he's late for work, it's b/c I didn't wake him up, if he's hungry, it's because I didn't give him enough food. I am done being blamed for what a grown man should be able to do himself.
I am seeing Kahden and Kamron go down the same path. It starts with name calling each other, then me and Sam. Kahden has told me that he hates his dad. That is painful. I hated my dad. Can't say that I still hate him, as I do not know him. But the boys are very disrespectful to me, and I sure as hell do not want my kids to talk to me the same way I have heard Sam talk to you. Sure, I get upset with my mom. I will talk to my sister or Sam about how I feel. But I would NEVER call her names to her face or over the phone, tell her she's crazy, yell at her, or hang up on her. She raised me. She deserves and has earned my respect. I will give her that. And I deserve and feel I have earned the respect of my children but they are learning by seeing. I must break the cycle. I will put me first. My happiness matters just as much as the next persons. I have been granted one life, and now, starting now, will put my happiness above his wants and needs.
I need to be freed from this illusion of a life that never will be. Of course nothing is perfect, but I believe there is something out there better. That will make me love, trust, believe again. I have been building walls as to not let him hurt me anymore, and during this time I have told him that I do not love him anymore. After searching myself, I realize this is not completely true. I do love him. I am not in love with him anymore. All I've ever known is the alcoholic. I'm done with the lies, the patronizing, the manipulating. Just done.
I know this is long, for that I do apologize. I just need you to know where I am coming from. I hope that you see that he does have a problem. What you do for him is your choice. I am doing what I know I need to do. What I should have done long ago. I am doing what is best for me and the kids.
And before you ask, I have talked to the kids about alcoholism. I will continue to educate myself and them. To let them know when he chooses alcohol over them, it's not their fault. I will let them know that they can hurt, they can be angry, they can feel hate. But they have to let it go. I am also planning to go to Al-Anon and if the kids wish, they can check out books or look into Alateen. I will not hide his secrets anymore. I will not protect him. I will not put him down. I will respect that he chose the alcohol over me. That's his choice. He can live with that.
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change; (him)
The courage to change the things that I can; (me)
And the wisdom to know the difference. ( by educating myself and the kids.)
and his sister sent me this:
how dare you bring my name into your drama! i have lived here for 9 years so pray tell how am i enabling somebody's actions from 1,000 miles away?!?!? You are a self center person hard up for attention! YOU chose to stay in your current situation.....YOU and no one else! do not blame me or anyone else for YOUR life choices!and another thing.....going to some 2nd rate shrink does not make you the right to label anybody as an enabler. why don't you come talk to me about what i am and am not when you have more than a high school education!
I bit and wrote back.
I never once blamed you. Your brother is an alcoholic Stacy. Whether you want to believe it or not. Just ask him. He will admit it. He sees the problem now. I am not hard up for any sort of attention. I have had a ton of negative attention. I don't need anymore. You can take it or leave it, but you have been used for money, etc by him, it is a fact that he is an alcoholic. I didn't cause that, I can't change that, and I can not cure him. You try to be married to a man who can physically, mentally, and emotionally abuse you. And why did/do I stay? Because he's my husband. I love him. I want to see him get better.
If it makes you feel better to belittle me, go ahead, but I DO NOT NEED TO TAKE ABUSE FROM YOU TOO.
I do not want any drama. I will tell you the same things I told Sam. I am done enabling Sam. I am continuing to go to counseling, I am educating myself on alcoholics/alcoholism. The best thing for me to do for Sam, myself, and our children is to let him go. He is destroying himself and we have allowed him to destroy us. My happiness, the kids' happiness, matters too. I have sat behind him, tried to stand beside him, and tried to walk in front of him hoping he would follow. He won't, can't, doesn't. It's his life, and I am not going to watch him keep self destructing taking down anyone or anything in his way.
I do feel that you, Bob, Stacy, and Josh are also enablers. He puts us down, controls us, yet we come back for more. Why because we love him? He gets angry at you on the phone and hangs up on you. He controls the situation. And most of the time it is over something ridiculous. When he is angry on the phone with you I shake my head at the crazy things he is upset with but then when he hangs up on you, he makes me believe you were the problem. I have begun to think the worst in everyone b/c he always has something evil to say about them....then follows it up eventually with how much they mean to him. It is very conflicting.
I loved him, I worried about him, I spent countless hours alone wondering when he would be home, or if he was even coming home. I was neglected, the kids were neglected. I tried to talk to him, help him, reason with him, and I even tried to control his alcohol consumption. I cried, I begged, I threatened, I yelled, and I have drove myself completely insane. I put faith in his words, believed ALL of his promises, and always thought "THIS TIME" was it. He would see the pain, hurt, and choose me, our family, over the alcohol. I have forgotten who I am. For years, I was just the wife of an alcoholic husband. I believed this was normal. It is far from the norm. In the end I am a bitter bitch. I have accepted many things that now seem crazy to me.
Sam needs to get well. He needs to beat his demons, love himself, before he can completely love me, you, the kids, anyone. He sees himself as the best of the best at everything he does, and while that's not always a bad trait, he also need to realize that he doesn't need to be. Failing is a part of life. When he fails, we are blamed. If he's late for work, it's b/c I didn't wake him up, if he's hungry, it's because I didn't give him enough food. I am done being blamed for what a grown man should be able to do himself.
I am seeing Kahden and Kamron go down the same path. It starts with name calling each other, then me and Sam. Kahden has told me that he hates his dad. That is painful. I hated my dad. Can't say that I still hate him, as I do not know him. But the boys are very disrespectful to me, and I sure as hell do not want my kids to talk to me the same way I have heard Sam talk to you. Sure, I get upset with my mom. I will talk to my sister or Sam about how I feel. But I would NEVER call her names to her face or over the phone, tell her she's crazy, yell at her, or hang up on her. She raised me. She deserves and has earned my respect. I will give her that. And I deserve and feel I have earned the respect of my children but they are learning by seeing. I must break the cycle. I will put me first. My happiness matters just as much as the next persons. I have been granted one life, and now, starting now, will put my happiness above his wants and needs.
I need to be freed from this illusion of a life that never will be. Of course nothing is perfect, but I believe there is something out there better. That will make me love, trust, believe again. I have been building walls as to not let him hurt me anymore, and during this time I have told him that I do not love him anymore. After searching myself, I realize this is not completely true. I do love him. I am not in love with him anymore. All I've ever known is the alcoholic. I'm done with the lies, the patronizing, the manipulating. Just done.
I know this is long, for that I do apologize. I just need you to know where I am coming from. I hope that you see that he does have a problem. What you do for him is your choice. I am doing what I know I need to do. What I should have done long ago. I am doing what is best for me and the kids.
And before you ask, I have talked to the kids about alcoholism. I will continue to educate myself and them. To let them know when he chooses alcohol over them, it's not their fault. I will let them know that they can hurt, they can be angry, they can feel hate. But they have to let it go. I am also planning to go to Al-Anon and if the kids wish, they can check out books or look into Alateen. I will not hide his secrets anymore. I will not protect him. I will not put him down. I will respect that he chose the alcohol over me. That's his choice. He can live with that.
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change; (him)
The courage to change the things that I can; (me)
And the wisdom to know the difference. ( by educating myself and the kids.)
and his sister sent me this:
how dare you bring my name into your drama! i have lived here for 9 years so pray tell how am i enabling somebody's actions from 1,000 miles away?!?!? You are a self center person hard up for attention! YOU chose to stay in your current situation.....YOU and no one else! do not blame me or anyone else for YOUR life choices!and another thing.....going to some 2nd rate shrink does not make you the right to label anybody as an enabler. why don't you come talk to me about what i am and am not when you have more than a high school education!
I bit and wrote back.
I never once blamed you. Your brother is an alcoholic Stacy. Whether you want to believe it or not. Just ask him. He will admit it. He sees the problem now. I am not hard up for any sort of attention. I have had a ton of negative attention. I don't need anymore. You can take it or leave it, but you have been used for money, etc by him, it is a fact that he is an alcoholic. I didn't cause that, I can't change that, and I can not cure him. You try to be married to a man who can physically, mentally, and emotionally abuse you. And why did/do I stay? Because he's my husband. I love him. I want to see him get better.
If it makes you feel better to belittle me, go ahead, but I DO NOT NEED TO TAKE ABUSE FROM YOU TOO.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
sahmto4...now that the letter has been written and that the words are out of your head, how do you feel?
Do you feel you've accomplished what you set out to, by writing this?
I'm just asking this because from the response you got, it seems that his family is obviously going to reject whatever you say.
One of the toughest things I had to accept, when leaving AH, was the fact that someone would blame me for being the bad guy. I wouldn't be popular in some circles. Thankfully, his family turned out to be very much aware of his problems and once we broke up, they flooded me with support, but there were others who thought I was a horrid b**** for leaving "such a great guy".
It was tough on my ego. I wanted so much to please everyone. Eventually though...it didn't matter what anyone thought. I loved myself more and wanted to save myself more than I wanted to be popular. So I doned the B**** Mantle and wore it proudly. And I also accepted that no matter what I said, I'd never convince anyone that I was right. I still struggle with that whole concept, because I always want people to SEE that what I'm saying is true, but I do my best to remind myself about the fact that I cannot change others.
Do you feel you've accomplished what you set out to, by writing this?
I'm just asking this because from the response you got, it seems that his family is obviously going to reject whatever you say.
One of the toughest things I had to accept, when leaving AH, was the fact that someone would blame me for being the bad guy. I wouldn't be popular in some circles. Thankfully, his family turned out to be very much aware of his problems and once we broke up, they flooded me with support, but there were others who thought I was a horrid b**** for leaving "such a great guy".
It was tough on my ego. I wanted so much to please everyone. Eventually though...it didn't matter what anyone thought. I loved myself more and wanted to save myself more than I wanted to be popular. So I doned the B**** Mantle and wore it proudly. And I also accepted that no matter what I said, I'd never convince anyone that I was right. I still struggle with that whole concept, because I always want people to SEE that what I'm saying is true, but I do my best to remind myself about the fact that I cannot change others.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
I understand why you sent the letter, but you really don't owe anyone any explanations about anything, especially people who tend to blame you for the situation. Since you've already sent it and can't take it back, I'd just back away from any further communication with them. From the one response you got, they did not take the letter well and more abuse will probably be forthcoming. They will also probably tell your husband about the letter so you can expect him to be pistoff, too. I hope you are able to get some peace and serenity in your life soon. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I can so understand where you are at with this. My separation from my husband was not amicable in any way. It was not well thought out by me, and I did not work out my plans in advance. It all just blew up one day. It all came out of anger, not rational thought leading to rational action.
Looking back, there are things I might have done differently that may have made it less painful.
Knowing what I know now, I would sincerely urge you to take some time and space for yourself before jumping into action. Meeting with an attorney is in order. Seeing a counselor is in order. But, getting family and friends involved in the details, right now, may be jumping the gun a little.
There is no need to explain everything to everybody, RIGHT NOW. If you take some time to work through your anger before you act, I promise you will not regret it.
L
Looking back, there are things I might have done differently that may have made it less painful.
Knowing what I know now, I would sincerely urge you to take some time and space for yourself before jumping into action. Meeting with an attorney is in order. Seeing a counselor is in order. But, getting family and friends involved in the details, right now, may be jumping the gun a little.
There is no need to explain everything to everybody, RIGHT NOW. If you take some time to work through your anger before you act, I promise you will not regret it.
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
You might want to come up with some standard responses for the next time someone asks.
Something along the lines of:
"We are having some problems right now and have decided it would be better to separate. I really don't care to discuss it any further at this time."
You don't have to hide things and lie, but you also don't have to tell everyone all the gory details, either. Especially if it will lead to even more drama, which you clearly don't need right now.
L
Something along the lines of:
"We are having some problems right now and have decided it would be better to separate. I really don't care to discuss it any further at this time."
You don't have to hide things and lie, but you also don't have to tell everyone all the gory details, either. Especially if it will lead to even more drama, which you clearly don't need right now.
L
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 48
I am to the point of telling anyone who asks about how she is doing. Why should I hide her alcoholism. I have nothing to be ashamed. It will probably make it harder on RAW if she returns (big if there) but that is a consequence. I will not hide anymore like it is my disease.
sahmto4, I feel for you. They are obvious enablers if they are trying to blame you. They seem set on helping him beat you down. Don't let them. Also the words are out. There is no reason to engage them anymore. You should delete any emails immediately. It is now your time and you don't need to be wasting your time with that family, any of them.
sahmto4, I feel for you. They are obvious enablers if they are trying to blame you. They seem set on helping him beat you down. Don't let them. Also the words are out. There is no reason to engage them anymore. You should delete any emails immediately. It is now your time and you don't need to be wasting your time with that family, any of them.
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