Codependent No More Book Study: Chap. 19 - PEICES AND BITS
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Codependent No More Book Study: Chap. 19 - PEICES AND BITS
This is quite a long chapter. So, my synopsis will no doubt miss something. So, if anyone has things to add it would be appreciated. Also, this is the second to last chapter. So if anyone wants to catch up and post on the other chapters now would be an excellent time as I'm going to print out the whole thing when done and put it in a folder and inputs are Important (with a capital "I")
Link to Previous Chapters: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...p-program.html
Link to Previous Chapters: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...p-program.html
Codependent No More:
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
By Melodie Beattie
Book Study
CHAPTER 19 - PIECES AND BITS
CHAPTER 19 - PIECES AND BITS
Chapter 20 - (FINAL CHAPTER) To go up Saturday
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Synopsis:
"This chapter contains miscellaneous tidbits about codependency and self-care"
Drama Addicts: Melodie explains that many of us are drama or crisis addicts. "exciting misery" if you will. When we practice detachment, this gets minimized. It helps to foster our own interests and to practice recognizing when we begin to do it.
Expectations: She says that "it is better to relinquish expectations so we can detach" So, what do we do with them? We need to examine and talk about them. Are they realistic? Sometimes they do help, but we should not make them the BOSS.
Fear of intimacy: It's driven home that many of us feel safer alone of in relationships devoid of closeness. We avoid healthy risks. "Love and closeness challenge our deepest fears". We need to learn to not run from healthy intimacy. We need to ask ourselves, why am I running from intimacy?
Financial Responsibility: We tend to become financially dependent on other people. Sometimes it's by force, or the belief we can't do it for ourselves. Still, sometimes we end up letting others be financially dependent on us. We need to learn that taking care of money for us, and allowing others to take care of their money - is a big part of life."Being financially dependent on other people can trigger emotional dependency.
Forgiveness: Often we end up forgiving the same people over and over again. "Forgiveness turns on us and causes pain". Some of us think we've forgiven when really, we have not. Some of us can't even keep up with all our forgivings. Forgiveness should be a gift to ourselves. To clean the slate if you will. It's alos a part of the grief process. It can be vital. We need to remember that it comes at it's time. We also need to remember to forgive ourselves.
The frog syndrome: "Did you hear about the woman who kissed the frog and it didn't turn into a prince? Instead, she turned into a frog herself!" We like to kiss the frogs. Some of us become attached to them. Addicted even. If we don't continue to work on our codependence, we will surely continue kissing frogs.
Fun: "Fun does not go hand in hand with codependency" We need to learn to enjoy ourselves and play. to experience all the joys in life. This can become habitual if we work for it.
Limits/Boundaries: If we bother to have them, we tend to have issues keeping them. Boundaries are vital. They tell us and others "This is how far I will go". Here is a list of examples:
Most important issue regarding boundaries. We need to enfore them! and take the proper action when they are violated.
Physical Care: In the later stages, we can neglect our physical selves and hygiene. We need to take a good long look in the mirror. Literally too. This includes excersize, diet, sleep, dr. appointments. etc... Self caretaking is easier to do before we get sick.
Professional help: We need to seek it if:
If we get help, we have the right to switch the source of the help if it's not working.
Strokes: She doesn't mean the physical heart kind! We accept negative strokes and don't take positive strokes into consideration. Bad strokes - Lies, anger, negativity etc... Good Strokes - Hugs, compliments (received and given) affirmations, sympathy, etc... This will help us learn who and how to trust.
Sex: Sex problems are normal, but can get abnormal. impotence or lack of desire run amok. fear of vulnerability and lack of intimacy contribute. Unresolved anger and depression are killers too. "First, we stop blaming and hating ourselves" We need to get rid of the "What's wrong with me's". We get honest with ourselves and then our partner. Extramarital affairs may need some outside help. Melodie points out that steps 4 and 5 can help also. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable. A source of pleasure.
The only activity for this one is to go through the tidbits and ask ourselves important questions.
"This chapter contains miscellaneous tidbits about codependency and self-care"
Drama Addicts: Melodie explains that many of us are drama or crisis addicts. "exciting misery" if you will. When we practice detachment, this gets minimized. It helps to foster our own interests and to practice recognizing when we begin to do it.
Expectations: She says that "it is better to relinquish expectations so we can detach" So, what do we do with them? We need to examine and talk about them. Are they realistic? Sometimes they do help, but we should not make them the BOSS.
Fear of intimacy: It's driven home that many of us feel safer alone of in relationships devoid of closeness. We avoid healthy risks. "Love and closeness challenge our deepest fears". We need to learn to not run from healthy intimacy. We need to ask ourselves, why am I running from intimacy?
Financial Responsibility: We tend to become financially dependent on other people. Sometimes it's by force, or the belief we can't do it for ourselves. Still, sometimes we end up letting others be financially dependent on us. We need to learn that taking care of money for us, and allowing others to take care of their money - is a big part of life."Being financially dependent on other people can trigger emotional dependency.
Forgiveness: Often we end up forgiving the same people over and over again. "Forgiveness turns on us and causes pain". Some of us think we've forgiven when really, we have not. Some of us can't even keep up with all our forgivings. Forgiveness should be a gift to ourselves. To clean the slate if you will. It's alos a part of the grief process. It can be vital. We need to remember that it comes at it's time. We also need to remember to forgive ourselves.
The frog syndrome: "Did you hear about the woman who kissed the frog and it didn't turn into a prince? Instead, she turned into a frog herself!" We like to kiss the frogs. Some of us become attached to them. Addicted even. If we don't continue to work on our codependence, we will surely continue kissing frogs.
Fun: "Fun does not go hand in hand with codependency" We need to learn to enjoy ourselves and play. to experience all the joys in life. This can become habitual if we work for it.
Limits/Boundaries: If we bother to have them, we tend to have issues keeping them. Boundaries are vital. They tell us and others "This is how far I will go". Here is a list of examples:
- I will not allow physical or verbal abuse
- I will not knowingly support or believe lies
- I will not allow drug use in my home
- I will not allow criminal behavior in my home
- I will not rescue people from consequences
- I will not finance alcohol or irresponsible actions
- I will not lie to protect you or me from your alcoholism
- I will not use my home to detox alcoholics
- You can't act crazy in front of me. I will walk away
- I will not allow you to ruin my fun, my day, or my life
Most important issue regarding boundaries. We need to enfore them! and take the proper action when they are violated.
Physical Care: In the later stages, we can neglect our physical selves and hygiene. We need to take a good long look in the mirror. Literally too. This includes excersize, diet, sleep, dr. appointments. etc... Self caretaking is easier to do before we get sick.
Professional help: We need to seek it if:
- We're depressed and thinking about suicide
- We want to confront someone with an intervention
- we've been victimized physically or sexually
- We have been physically or sexually abusing someone
- We are experiencing drugs and/or alcohol
- We can't get unstuck after honest tries
- Any other reason we think it might be of benefit
If we get help, we have the right to switch the source of the help if it's not working.
Strokes: She doesn't mean the physical heart kind! We accept negative strokes and don't take positive strokes into consideration. Bad strokes - Lies, anger, negativity etc... Good Strokes - Hugs, compliments (received and given) affirmations, sympathy, etc... This will help us learn who and how to trust.
Sex: Sex problems are normal, but can get abnormal. impotence or lack of desire run amok. fear of vulnerability and lack of intimacy contribute. Unresolved anger and depression are killers too. "First, we stop blaming and hating ourselves" We need to get rid of the "What's wrong with me's". We get honest with ourselves and then our partner. Extramarital affairs may need some outside help. Melodie points out that steps 4 and 5 can help also. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable. A source of pleasure.
The only activity for this one is to go through the tidbits and ask ourselves important questions.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
The financial responsibility part is new to me, especially in terms of marriage.
Although I have been married almost 3 years, I am just now awakening to looking ahead, planning, and making responsible choices (for the long term)...which is not to say I have been irresponsible. But, I haven't planned ahead. I haven't had anything other than minimum financial stability as a priority. Meaning, I don't bounce checks. I pay all my bills. I eat. I buy clothing a few times a year (second hand). We split the bills like roommates.
Now I am thinking about the partnership aspect of money, especially since I have not been working.
What are OUR goals with money?
How important is it?
How much do we want to be making?
How are we going to get there?
What responsibility do we have to one another in regards to money?
What are our priorities as far as saving, paying off bills and money to spend? Are we sharing financial responsibility?
Is money scary - how, why and when?
Do we feel safe with money?
Do we have accomplish-able goals?
Are we on track?
It's new!
Boundaries are new, too.
What do I value?
What am I worth?
What is worth putting my foot down over (and maybe losing my marriage)?
What really matters?
These are great new questions in my life!
I love: We can trust ourselves and we can trust people to be themselves.
Simple and profound.
Although I have been married almost 3 years, I am just now awakening to looking ahead, planning, and making responsible choices (for the long term)...which is not to say I have been irresponsible. But, I haven't planned ahead. I haven't had anything other than minimum financial stability as a priority. Meaning, I don't bounce checks. I pay all my bills. I eat. I buy clothing a few times a year (second hand). We split the bills like roommates.
Now I am thinking about the partnership aspect of money, especially since I have not been working.
What are OUR goals with money?
How important is it?
How much do we want to be making?
How are we going to get there?
What responsibility do we have to one another in regards to money?
What are our priorities as far as saving, paying off bills and money to spend? Are we sharing financial responsibility?
Is money scary - how, why and when?
Do we feel safe with money?
Do we have accomplish-able goals?
Are we on track?
It's new!
Boundaries are new, too.
What do I value?
What am I worth?
What is worth putting my foot down over (and maybe losing my marriage)?
What really matters?
These are great new questions in my life!
I love: We can trust ourselves and we can trust people to be themselves.
Simple and profound.
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