After treatment?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Seattle
Posts: 13
After treatment?
Hi all, my husband went into inpatient treatment (second time in less than a year) on Thursday. He was very verbally abusive and nasty to me beforehand, letting me know that he feels I've not been supportive of him because I "kicked him out" when I found out he was drinking again. His attitude is that I should have stuck by him ESPECIALLY now, since he's "not well" and it is a hard time for him, but my view is that I AM there for him, I'm just sticking to my boundaries and taking care of me and the kids as well as not enabling him. Suddenly, his mother is a saint because she took him in and has been making him three meals a day and babying him and giving him sympathy. Two months ago he hated her. Whatever. Anyway, I am worried because I know that he (and his mother/family) are going to expect me to "allow" him to move back in after his mere three weeks at the treatment center. I, however, need to see a lot more before I will be convinced that he is truly committed to getting better.(He went into treatment after his Mom threatened kicking him out and he walked out on his job. I see it as a way of escaping the mess he's created, but maybe I'm just a skeptic)My question is do you all think its unreasonable for me to NOT feel right about having him move back in right away? Actually, I have big issues with his family (as I've mentioned previously) and have a hard time figuring out who's being rational and who's not. I try to go with my gut, I'm working on learning to trust myself more, but I am definitely a long way from truly doing that. Also,I am nervous that going back to his moms where the family gathers to drink is an unsafe place for him, but there I go trying to control things again.....Anyway,blah blah blah!! Just needed to get it out and hopefully get a little feedback. Thanks!!!!
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
There are many places he can go besides you or his mom...heck he could work and get a place of his own.
Don't feel bullied into doing something you are not comfortable with. Follow your instincts on this...inpatient treatment does not a husband create. It is merely the first step on a long road.
Hugs,
JT
Don't feel bullied into doing something you are not comfortable with. Follow your instincts on this...inpatient treatment does not a husband create. It is merely the first step on a long road.
Hugs,
JT
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2
After treatment
I just registered for this message board today hoping I can get support from people like you. It's suppose to help knowing there are others like me out there, but somehow it doesn't.
My boyfriend is dealing with the same issues you explained about your husband. He is living with his parents (who I believe are the biggest enablers in his life). He wants me to find a place that is bigger and closer to him so we can live together. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and we now have a daughter together. He has finally admitted that he is an alcoholic and he says that he realizes the serious health and emotional risks alcohol presents in his life. But still, he drinks. He says he wouldn't wish this disease on anyone. When he's sober, he's wonderful. I feel the very same apprehension you do. Words, promises and apologies mean nothing to me anymore. He can apologize and make what seem to be very sincere promises to work hard to quit. Every time he fails, he admits more and more. I think he's really beginning to realize the truth and stop denying his problem. I keep thinking he's finally getting there. He was unemployed for the past year and just started a new job. He's been doing well at his job, but the chemical dependency is starting to really affect him. He can't stop throwing up unless he drinks at least a shot. On three different occasions we've spent the weekend fighting the urge so he can get his body through the detox stage and stop throwing up. As soon as he gets there and says he feels better, he drinks and has to start all over again.
I told him this weekend that I'm not going to help him anymore. I was really in it to help him out, playing the cheerleader, the first three times. But three strikes and you're out. He claims he's getting the shakes now. I'm not sure if he's really feeling that bad or if he's just saying "anything it takes" to play on my sympathy and convince me to stay. I believe the latter.
I told him that I've read that he could have a seizure and he needs to get to a doctor. He says doesn't think the doctors can do anything for him and it's just something he can do on his own. I know it's because he's ashamed to see a doctor and admit his weakness to them.
His mother is his biggest enabler. When she heard he's getting the shakes, she started to worry so much she had to take a valium to settle her stomach. He's also a type 1 diabetic and when he drinks, he doesn't eat. So after taking his insulin, and he begins to pass out, you're not sure if it's the sugar or the booze making him act that way. His mother runs to his aid with orange juice, candy and peanut butter sandwiches to make sure he's okay. If he falls out of bed, she makes his dad come help get him back in. I've told her many times to just let him sleep on the floor and not to clean up the mess he's made after he vomits or has an accident in his bed.
Fortunately he hasn't been that drunk in quite some time. He thinks I should find solace in the fact that he's not getting stoned drunk anymore. He just drinks enough to get "the buzz." But then he runs off at the mouth about things that don't make sense. He repeats the same thing several times. It's incredibly embarassing if anyone else is around because you may have moved on in a conversation and he's still chiming in about some topic you left 10 minutes ago. Or worse, he get extremely defensive when he's been drinking. And his idea of defending himself is to say anything he thinks will hurt you the way he thinks he's been hurt. And since he's paranoid, anything you say is twisted into an insult and triggers the beast. Especially if you ask or even imply that he's been drinking.
It's so hard. I haven't talked to him since midnight on Friday when I left his house in the middle of the night with our daughter because he had been drinking again. I know I'm doing the right thing, but he doesn't understand because like I said, he wasn't stoned drunk, just annoyingly buzzin. Sometimes I think that's worse. At least if he's stoned drunk, he passes out and he doesn't bother you anymore.
My boyfriend is dealing with the same issues you explained about your husband. He is living with his parents (who I believe are the biggest enablers in his life). He wants me to find a place that is bigger and closer to him so we can live together. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and we now have a daughter together. He has finally admitted that he is an alcoholic and he says that he realizes the serious health and emotional risks alcohol presents in his life. But still, he drinks. He says he wouldn't wish this disease on anyone. When he's sober, he's wonderful. I feel the very same apprehension you do. Words, promises and apologies mean nothing to me anymore. He can apologize and make what seem to be very sincere promises to work hard to quit. Every time he fails, he admits more and more. I think he's really beginning to realize the truth and stop denying his problem. I keep thinking he's finally getting there. He was unemployed for the past year and just started a new job. He's been doing well at his job, but the chemical dependency is starting to really affect him. He can't stop throwing up unless he drinks at least a shot. On three different occasions we've spent the weekend fighting the urge so he can get his body through the detox stage and stop throwing up. As soon as he gets there and says he feels better, he drinks and has to start all over again.
I told him this weekend that I'm not going to help him anymore. I was really in it to help him out, playing the cheerleader, the first three times. But three strikes and you're out. He claims he's getting the shakes now. I'm not sure if he's really feeling that bad or if he's just saying "anything it takes" to play on my sympathy and convince me to stay. I believe the latter.
I told him that I've read that he could have a seizure and he needs to get to a doctor. He says doesn't think the doctors can do anything for him and it's just something he can do on his own. I know it's because he's ashamed to see a doctor and admit his weakness to them.
His mother is his biggest enabler. When she heard he's getting the shakes, she started to worry so much she had to take a valium to settle her stomach. He's also a type 1 diabetic and when he drinks, he doesn't eat. So after taking his insulin, and he begins to pass out, you're not sure if it's the sugar or the booze making him act that way. His mother runs to his aid with orange juice, candy and peanut butter sandwiches to make sure he's okay. If he falls out of bed, she makes his dad come help get him back in. I've told her many times to just let him sleep on the floor and not to clean up the mess he's made after he vomits or has an accident in his bed.
Fortunately he hasn't been that drunk in quite some time. He thinks I should find solace in the fact that he's not getting stoned drunk anymore. He just drinks enough to get "the buzz." But then he runs off at the mouth about things that don't make sense. He repeats the same thing several times. It's incredibly embarassing if anyone else is around because you may have moved on in a conversation and he's still chiming in about some topic you left 10 minutes ago. Or worse, he get extremely defensive when he's been drinking. And his idea of defending himself is to say anything he thinks will hurt you the way he thinks he's been hurt. And since he's paranoid, anything you say is twisted into an insult and triggers the beast. Especially if you ask or even imply that he's been drinking.
It's so hard. I haven't talked to him since midnight on Friday when I left his house in the middle of the night with our daughter because he had been drinking again. I know I'm doing the right thing, but he doesn't understand because like I said, he wasn't stoned drunk, just annoyingly buzzin. Sometimes I think that's worse. At least if he's stoned drunk, he passes out and he doesn't bother you anymore.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
veggiemom and mel;
Talk is cheap the proof is in the pudding.....IF you are having trouble living or being in a relationship now, IF they are still drinking (anything and NOT working a program ) it won't get any better....It won't go away....It will only get worse for YOU and them.
YOU both deserve so much better than this and so do your CHILDREN...if your not going to Al-Anon please consider doing so...There is NOTHING like a meeting to help me realize that my Higher Power and I are enough.....I AM A WHOLE PERSON WITH OR WITHOUT A MAN AND SO ARE YOU IF YOU CHOSE TO BE...
Love and prayers from one who cares....
Talk is cheap the proof is in the pudding.....IF you are having trouble living or being in a relationship now, IF they are still drinking (anything and NOT working a program ) it won't get any better....It won't go away....It will only get worse for YOU and them.
YOU both deserve so much better than this and so do your CHILDREN...if your not going to Al-Anon please consider doing so...There is NOTHING like a meeting to help me realize that my Higher Power and I are enough.....I AM A WHOLE PERSON WITH OR WITHOUT A MAN AND SO ARE YOU IF YOU CHOSE TO BE...
Love and prayers from one who cares....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
My husband went thru treatment this past May, his 2nd time in less than a year as well. Having reached the "point of no return" I told him he was not coming home right after treatment as I needed TIME to deal with my emotions, see if he was serious this time, etc. He went to a recovery house for 2 months. From there they can move on to what are called clean and sober houses, where they can work, pay rent for their room and board, and the only restriction is they MUST stay clean.
Just Tired is Just Right--don't let someone bully you into doing something you are not comfortable with. TRUST your instincts, they're almost always right! Feeling guilty is one of the biggest downfalls of being co-dependent. Rather than do what we know is best, we do what they want us to so we don't feel any guilt.
Big hugs to you both, I hope it all works out.
p.s. My H has 5 months clean time this time--I can't help but think that my "tough love" attitude may have helped him be a little more serious this time in the beginning--now he is doing it b/c he sincerely wants to and is so much happier--and healthier.
Just Tired is Just Right--don't let someone bully you into doing something you are not comfortable with. TRUST your instincts, they're almost always right! Feeling guilty is one of the biggest downfalls of being co-dependent. Rather than do what we know is best, we do what they want us to so we don't feel any guilt.
Big hugs to you both, I hope it all works out.
p.s. My H has 5 months clean time this time--I can't help but think that my "tough love" attitude may have helped him be a little more serious this time in the beginning--now he is doing it b/c he sincerely wants to and is so much happier--and healthier.
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hello to both of you,
Welcome to the boards also
I want to add a little on to what JT and Daffodil said, because I think they hit the nail on this one.
Talk IS cheap when an A is in the picture, because their disease makes it easy for them to use, manipulate and find ways to get what they need... often WE are left blindsided and loaded with guilt. The thing is, it is THEIR problem; but we seem to willingly take on the responsibility of coping and managing THEIR dysfunctional lives. And then we complain that we aren't happy; and that THEY aren't behaving according to our expectations. Drop the agenda, forget the expectations and get rid of the rules... this is YOUR life to live. We are only equipped with enough necessary to manage our own health and happiness.
I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know... it sounds like you have begun to really manage your life VM. I suppose I just wanted to remind you of why your boundaries are there; and why you need to stick behind them. The other enablers in your A's life will of course want you to take him back in... partly because they don't want the disease on their backs. But like JT said, you can't be bullied or guilted into it... It will only bring you misery and teach everyone else that you can STILL be walked all over.
If keeping distance from your A is working for YOUR recovery, than keep at it - and if anyone asks? Just tell them your taking care of YOU.
Take care guys
Meg
Welcome to the boards also
I want to add a little on to what JT and Daffodil said, because I think they hit the nail on this one.
Talk IS cheap when an A is in the picture, because their disease makes it easy for them to use, manipulate and find ways to get what they need... often WE are left blindsided and loaded with guilt. The thing is, it is THEIR problem; but we seem to willingly take on the responsibility of coping and managing THEIR dysfunctional lives. And then we complain that we aren't happy; and that THEY aren't behaving according to our expectations. Drop the agenda, forget the expectations and get rid of the rules... this is YOUR life to live. We are only equipped with enough necessary to manage our own health and happiness.
I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know... it sounds like you have begun to really manage your life VM
. I suppose I just wanted to remind you of why your boundaries are there; and why you need to stick behind them. The other enablers in your A's life will of course want you to take him back in... partly because they don't want the disease on their backs. But like JT said, you can't be bullied or guilted into it... It will only bring you misery and teach everyone else that you can STILL be walked all over.If keeping distance from your A is working for YOUR recovery, than keep at it - and if anyone asks? Just tell them your taking care of YOU.
Take care guys
Meg
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Seattle
Posts: 13
Thanks, you guys. Every time I come to this board (which is several times a day...lol) I hear something that didn't even occur to me but makes complete sense.
"Drop the agenda, forget the expectations and get rid of the rules... this is YOUR life to live. We are only equipped with enough necessary to manage our own health and happiness."
Meg, I have read this several times and it is so true. These are the kinds of words I need to tell myself over and over and eventually they'll stick!
JT and Rainy, I don't know why I didn't even think about the fact that he had other options on where to stay. I should probably give him more credit. It's possible he's thought of alternatives himself. I get so caught up in worrying..........I need to remind myself to let it go more.
Mel, Keep coming here, just to browse the posts as well as post your own questions and thoughts. I think the more you hear others' stories, the more you will feel better. Like Daffodil said, if you aren't already going to face to face meetings, they are a great help. It is amazing how you can get so much out of what others have experienced, even if their story isn't similar to yours. I don't know if you feel this way, but until about a year ago I was pretty resistant to the whole recovery and 12 step stuff. I knew enough to know, though, that I definitely qualified for al-anon and I forced myself to just keep going. If you just go and listen with an open mind, eventually things start to happen for you. I can't explain it, but that's what's been happening with me.(Not to say that you don't have to do your own work, but it sure has become much clearer for me to see which way to turn as I bump along day to day.
Thanks again, everyone, for all the support and hugs
"Drop the agenda, forget the expectations and get rid of the rules... this is YOUR life to live. We are only equipped with enough necessary to manage our own health and happiness."
Meg, I have read this several times and it is so true. These are the kinds of words I need to tell myself over and over and eventually they'll stick!
JT and Rainy, I don't know why I didn't even think about the fact that he had other options on where to stay. I should probably give him more credit. It's possible he's thought of alternatives himself. I get so caught up in worrying..........I need to remind myself to let it go more.
Mel, Keep coming here, just to browse the posts as well as post your own questions and thoughts. I think the more you hear others' stories, the more you will feel better. Like Daffodil said, if you aren't already going to face to face meetings, they are a great help. It is amazing how you can get so much out of what others have experienced, even if their story isn't similar to yours. I don't know if you feel this way, but until about a year ago I was pretty resistant to the whole recovery and 12 step stuff. I knew enough to know, though, that I definitely qualified for al-anon and I forced myself to just keep going. If you just go and listen with an open mind, eventually things start to happen for you. I can't explain it, but that's what's been happening with me.(Not to say that you don't have to do your own work, but it sure has become much clearer for me to see which way to turn as I bump along day to day.
Thanks again, everyone, for all the support and hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 53
VeggieMom--You have restored my faith in humanity. Thank you.
I work in a detox unit-3-5 days, get them over withdrawal symptoms and ship them to rehab (or back home, to the streets, etc.) I've never heard of a 3 week program. I think it's nuts. He can't get his head straight enough to know how messed up he is in three weeks. I also don't trust his motivations for going--like you, I think it was situational. He went, he'll go back home (to Mom's) and the cycle will continue. Even she is at the end of her rope. If his own Mom is, why should you take him back? Stay strong. You know you're doing right. Regardless of what games he tries to play with you you have the kids to worry about.
Mel--I stopped going out on weekends with the guy I just threw out because everything had to be planned around a bar. We went grocery shopping one time and ended up stopping at TWO bars on the way home--one to redistribute the weights in the bags and one to get a six-pack. He would sometimes just get annoyed with salesclerks if he felt they were taking too long. He was always right about everything and had no problem letting others know. It was embarassing so I quit going out completely. I threw him out and it is such a difference! The dark cloud that lived here is gone. I am coming to realize that I was headed for clinical depression if it went on much longer.
Take a few minutes, close your eyes (after you read this-lol), and imagine what life would be like living with him and the kids. Would you be dreading him coming home every night, wondering how much he had to drink? Would you be constantly worried that he'll just 'blow up' at the kids or at you? Imagine an entire day. You'll have your answer.
Another thing--how sure are you that you have ever seen him sober? Is it possible that when you thought he was sober he was just drinking enough to maintain? Scary thought.
Keep reading--once in a while you come across a nugget.
I work in a detox unit-3-5 days, get them over withdrawal symptoms and ship them to rehab (or back home, to the streets, etc.) I've never heard of a 3 week program. I think it's nuts. He can't get his head straight enough to know how messed up he is in three weeks. I also don't trust his motivations for going--like you, I think it was situational. He went, he'll go back home (to Mom's) and the cycle will continue. Even she is at the end of her rope. If his own Mom is, why should you take him back? Stay strong. You know you're doing right. Regardless of what games he tries to play with you you have the kids to worry about.
Mel--I stopped going out on weekends with the guy I just threw out because everything had to be planned around a bar. We went grocery shopping one time and ended up stopping at TWO bars on the way home--one to redistribute the weights in the bags and one to get a six-pack. He would sometimes just get annoyed with salesclerks if he felt they were taking too long. He was always right about everything and had no problem letting others know. It was embarassing so I quit going out completely. I threw him out and it is such a difference! The dark cloud that lived here is gone. I am coming to realize that I was headed for clinical depression if it went on much longer.
Take a few minutes, close your eyes (after you read this-lol), and imagine what life would be like living with him and the kids. Would you be dreading him coming home every night, wondering how much he had to drink? Would you be constantly worried that he'll just 'blow up' at the kids or at you? Imagine an entire day. You'll have your answer.
Another thing--how sure are you that you have ever seen him sober? Is it possible that when you thought he was sober he was just drinking enough to maintain? Scary thought.
Keep reading--once in a while you come across a nugget.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: utah
Posts: 42
wow
veggiemom, your story is mine! I threatened to leave with my kids a year ago, my AH continued to drink so I left and he checked in to rehab. I went back and did all the family stuff, learned alot about the disease, got some hope back and decided to give him a chance. One week later, the nightmare was back with a vengeance. It continued for about two months, he went to rehab a second time and I moved out completely - halfway across the country. He got out of rehab and verbally abused me for a long time. I knew it was the alcohol/withdrawal/whatever so tried to just let it go but I know exactly what you're hearing from you husband. I stood firm in that he HAD to prove himself, gain my trust and respect back before I would enter the potential hell all over again. And boy was it hard sometimes. He'd come visit, sober and I would really miss him but I also thought of what he'd put me through and knew moving in with him was just not worth the risk to me. If you are not ready, then DON"T do it!! Don't do it because you feel bad for him. It won't do you OR him a bit of good. You can't have a healthy relationship if you're worried all the time. When my H is sober (rarely) he seems to really understand why I'm not going back to him. Hopefully your husband will get to that point to. good luck to you.
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