wishiknew

Ok, I have a question for those of you out there who know more about addicts behavior than I do. For a long time I did not believe this was a disease but the more I see, hear, and read the more I am convinced that there comes a point and time in addiction where it is no longer a choice to use. The brain gets rewired in such a way that the addict loses control. Although I don't want the chaos that it brings in my home I do want to help my loved ones who are affected,(my sister and nephew are also addicts.) this includes my AH. We may end up divorcing but I will always care for him and try to help him anyway that I can. So I get that. But if I'm willing to accept that about him as long as I dont have to live with him..... Why does he still lie about it??? He did just last week. Said he wasnt dabbling in it at all. I knew he was. Just a gut feeling and the look in his eyes. After crying, begging, and telling him I knew, he finally said "I am MOSTLY staying clean." Which tells me he's still dabbling. ALL I WANT IS HONESTY. I can accept that he's trying and it's difficult and that he still needs something to help him cope but why can't he tell me that instead of lying. Its the dishonesty that I have the most trouble with. AS I said in my earlier post. It's not what I know that I fear. I can handle that. It's what I dont know that I'm terrified of! The truth would set me free. Why cant or wont he give me that.

Callie

That's a very good question. IMHO you're asking for too much to ask for the truth from an addict. I should rephrase in saying that you're NOT asking for too much, but you're setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect it. With my XAH he grew SO accustomed to lying that he lied more than he told the truth. Don't expect honesty from an addict and you won't be let down. Lying is part of the cycle. They lie to protect, they lie because of guilt, shame, etc. Whatever the reasoning is, they do lie. Bottom line...it protects their addiction.

wishiknew

I know that they lie to protect their addiction but I thought if they were serious about recovery and were working the steps etc. Which he is doing, that he would not still have the need to protect. Does this mean he is just going through the motions to be able to come back home? IDK..... it's just so confusing to me.

dopedout

I don't think he can give you that. I think they want to quit but are afraid, so every little step ("mostly" clean) to them is a really big deal. I think they think that their dishonesty is a form of negotiation -- since they think that what we're doing is telling them what they want to hear (that we need them to do X Y and Z, or that they need to quit for their own good, etc), they think that they can get by by telling us what they think we want to hear, so it's not quite that they're "lying" -- they're just trying to satisfy your needs (by telling you what you want to hear, which is that they're trying) but without actually facing up to the reality of what it means.

What they really don't understand, I think, is that they are being duplicitous. They are being intellectually dishonest -- playing semantic games, deflecting, creating distractions, or just not answering the question.

My wife does that all the time -- half-truths -- the "I am mostly staying clean" is great for them, because it kind of gives us something without actually lying (so they can claim that at least they're being honest)...in my wife's case, she would just come up with another meaning for "I'm not dabbling at all," which would make it not a lie in her eyes -- it might mean to her, "I'm not dabbling -- I'm just using -- dabbling implies that it's recreational, and I'm not dabbling." Or whatever.

The truth that will set us free is that, at least temporarily, and until they get help, they are literally incapable of being completely honest. It's a box that doesn't open -- a light switch that isn't connected to a wire -- to be honest about ANYTHING would mean that they can no longer pretend to other people that they don't know they need help. So that first glimmer of honesty for them isn't a matter of just telling the truth, it's a matter of coming to terms with the whole big EVERYTHING of it.

dopedout

If my wife were doing that, I would say, yes. That's what she's doing. It means they're not really invested in recovery. How big the obstacle is that remains for him is an unknowable unknown, but he can only get past it (I think) if he knows that you have no intention of climbing that obstacle to meet him on the other side.

wishiknew

You are right Cynical One. I am just torturing myself trying to get him to admit it. I need that confession I guess to validate what I think I already know. I seem to be consumed with a seemingly unreachable goal that he is going to confess all his deep dark secrets. I only know the person he reveals to me which even under active addiction is a very nice guy. But I know there is a dark side. That is what scares me. Can't really put my finger on it.

ThatLittleGirl

My greatest insight into this question came from the sticky at the top of this forum titled, What Addicts Do. For me, this said everything I ever wanted or needed to know about my relationship with my addict husband. If you have not yet, I would suggest reading it...it was a "light bulb" moment for me.

teke

hi, i agree with cynical, imo, sounds like he's saying what he needs to to protect his addiction and yes, that does seem to mean that he's also trying to protect his ablity to be able to come and go as usual.

i went through what you are going through now for 23yrs. it does get worse without serious recovery. i HAD to separate from my ah to save my sanity, trying to figure out and prove his actions, only made me confused and literally crazy.

follow your gut feelings and watch his action, not his words. btw, i'm a recovering addict too, and lieing is what addicts do, its like common nature. today i'm a few yrs clean and dabbling could have never gotten me past go. you either quit or you don't, no in between.

wishiknew

Hi Teke, I remember you from when I was here before. Sharing your story and your words of encouragement were a real blessing to me.

pinkrose77

wishiknew, i am in the same situation. i told my guy over and over again that we could handle a relapse, and even him going back into rehab, but one thing i can't get over is the lies, cause the lies mean he didn't want my help, he wants to keep doing what he's doing, and he will. regardless of my feelings.

PinkPixie

When dose the lying stop?

sojourner

The lying begins to stop when serious recovery begins. I say it begins to stop because lying has become such an ingrained habit that it takes time for one to break it. And healing the damaged brain takes time.

I would not take all this lying personally. Addiction causes one to lie to everybody all the time. It is one of the ways that Addiction causes the addict to stay in denial. Remember, the addict you love has had his/her brain hijacked by Addiction which has taken control, and lying about the truth in all things is just part of the whole package.

Hope that helps....

PinkPixie

It dose, thanks

hello-kitty

what Cynical said. "I am mostly clean" is NOT the same as being in recovery. So the lying will continue... and it's up to you when you have had enough of it.

His drug problem is his problem and his responsibility.

Your problem is deciding when you have had enough of it.

For me, lying is one of my personal boundaries.

Trust is the most important thing to me in a relationship. Without trust, love is toxic.

I will no longer accept lies in my life. I will not allow myself to be knowingly deceived. If I suspect someone is lying to me, I will distance myself until their lies no longer affect my life.

In my case, I had to end the relationship. I respected myself too much to allow myself to be lied to anymore.