dopedout

I'm well into that "codependency no more" book. I've been feeling really "out of place" because I don't know where I fit into the terminology of these things, so I'm trying to put this experience into a story-line that fits those terms so I can try to break into this recovery plan...

My addict (my wife, Z) just sought treatment on her own. She has been in constant anguish for a long time and she did what she needed to do to try to get well.

The way she did that was very hurtful. In doing so, she ripped things out of my life that I depend on. As a response, I became upset and focused on those things that she had taken, and was offended that she had chosen to get treatment in a way that I saw as irrationally affecting me. I was justified in being upset -- but not justified in taking my anger out on her or even in trying to plead with her in a reasonable way to see even one thing from my point of view.

That fight made things worse, but only temporarily. It wasn't unlike many fights we've had recently, where a relatively small misunderstanding causes so much confusion and pain that, literally within seconds of trying to deal with the conflict, it becomes so convoluted and so far away from the actual problem that it's not just exaggerated and toxic but completely counter-productive to solving the actual problem, whatever it was.

I've had a really hard time with this because when I read about issues like codependency and detachment, I really did believe that that wasn't me -- yes, I care too much...yes, I want to help people...but, no -- I don't let other people drag me down...I don't let her drag me down... I don't define my happiness on her mood swings or bad behavior. When I was reading some of that book, actually, the thing that jumped up at me was that Z herself seems to fit much of these codependency traits.

But then I thought harder. And what I think is that the reason I don't see myself that way now is that I had already detached. Yes, I am still enmeshed in the existence of her -- she occupies my thoughts -- but as far as her addiction goes, I think it's possible that the reason she sought treatment for herself was precisely because I had stopped letting her addiction run our lives.

When I say she seems like the co-dependent one, I'm thinking specifically of the way that I've detached recently...this has been a really hard year at grad school, and I've been insanely busy. I also spent the winter break writing my novel, which I'm shopping to agents now. We are both unemployed but I spend my time either working, doing household chores, errands, etc. and taking care of the boys. While she has spent her time sleeping very late (yes, because of her addiction but also because of her thyroid condition that saps her energy, etc), panicking about chores after midnight and trying to make me feel bad that she's vacuuming or doing half the laundry while I'm going to bed (the other half -- the folding, the last few dryer loads, the putting the clothes away, the matching the socks, etc -- I will do all that in the morning because she will leave it unfinished), enjoying time with the kids when it's convenient for her, bailing out of running an errand at the last minute, etc. These are just a few examples.

And I have noticed a lot of resentment on her part when I am enmeshed in my school work or my writing. (I have a paid internship lined up for the fall, so my coursework is leading directly to re-employment) She doesn't look for work -- she is registered at a temp agency and has done some work for one place in the past few months, but nothing more than that. She complains that there are no jobs but she doesn't spend the time necessary to find one even if one popped up. But when I was working, she would stew -- the longer I worked at a stretch, the more likely she was to tell me that she was feeling unbearably depressed that evening. Or that she couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't being attentive to her, but I think the real problem was that I wasn't being attentive to her need to control her environment on the terms of her addiction.

That said -- I also see many things I need to fix on myself. I realized this morning that I have not been attentive at all to my larger needs -- I am feeling a great deal of pressure to provide for my family. I am feeling very insecure about my work and my writing, and although I'm doing well in school, I'm racking up thousands and thousands of dollars in student loans, I'm having a hard time managing my own business responsibilities -- getting paperwork in on time, filling out financial aid forms, keeping track of due dates, etc. I have also neglected my mental health needs -- while Z is still taking all the meds she "needs" -- some more than others, I have CHOSEN to stop taking my seizure meds, my anti-anxiety meds, my digestive meds and my sleep meds, out of worry about money. She hasn't stopped doing any of that -- and she still has to shell out $70/month just to see her suboxone doctor for a refill. She complains to me that her father is hyper-stressed about the fact that his credit card that he lent her for emergencies was maxed out -- her suggestion was that I wasn't providing enough to get by -- but the truth is, she spends probably $500-600 a month on medication, most of which she's addicted to, AND I KNOW THAT, and so whenever she complained about that, I just listened but did not engage in that argument. She also managed to make me feel guilty about my mental health meds needs by attaching them to her addiction -- one big point of contention is the adderal I'm prescribed. Of course she knew at the time that it was a controlled substance, but I didn't know. All I knew is that it was prescribed to me by my p-doc several months after I had landed myself in the psych ward for almost a week from my PTSD, and that it worked.

But she always sneered at the fact that I was taking it, and she liked to remind me that the klonopin i used on occasion was highly addictive and that I was probably addicted to both. Of course, I didn't use it much, but I usually had to refill it frequently because she would steal what I wasn't using.

So to prove to her that I wasn't addicted, I quit my anti-anxiety meds, my sleep meds, and I also stopped smoking pot for a while. It wasn't until we lost health insurance that I started buying weed again, to help with the digestive and sleep problems. I've even stopped smoking now -- but this time it's because I have no interest in feeling better. I know that makes no sense, but I'm working on it.

It was Z who taught me, after my bad experiences with my first wife, that we are responsible for our own happiness. She's the one who gave me the knowledge and strength to detach from her addiction and not let it ruin my life. And, in doing so, her addiction became untenable. It stopped working for her because I had stopped letting it disrupt my life. I stopped counting my pills. Sometimes she stole my adderal but I let it go, and didn't get upset. I stopped forcing her to participate in things. I stopped trying to drag her out of bed in the morning (which she would ask me to do, and then would scream at me when I tried). I stopped responding to her manic episodes at night -- as in, I would say, "OK, I'm off to bed," and she would say, "I WISH I could go to bed like you but the kitchen/living room/bathroom/bunnycage/fish tank is a mess and somebody has to clean it."

Yes, I am codependent. And she is, too -- she's probably addicted to my own neuroses, of which there are many, and I will work on them -- but I've decided to think, at least for the next few hours, that I had already at least in some small part figured out how to deal with her addiction productively. My problem was that I NO IDEA what I was driving her to, and I was unprepared for the consequences of it. But this helps me understand my role in this better, and how I can improve myself and our relationship.

So, yay.

ThatLittleGirl

I am feeling very insecure about my work and my writing, and although I'm doing well in school, I'm racking up thousands and thousands of dollars in student loans, I'm having a hard time managing my own business responsibilities -- getting paperwork in on time, filling out financial aid forms, keeping track of due dates, etc. - Are you as detached from her addiction as you think? Do you think, perhaps, on some level her addiction is directing some of your daily behaviors (insecurity, inability to get things completed timely)?

I have also neglected my mental health needs -- while Z is still taking all the meds she "needs" -- some more than others, I have CHOSEN to stop taking my seizure meds, my anti-anxiety meds, my digestive meds and my sleep meds, out of worry about money. - Perhaps you're playing the role of a martyr/savior, self-sacrificing for the family because the addict won't???

You've done an excellent job of self-analysis...major kudos!!! You're much further along in the process than I. I just started Co-Dependent No More, and I am really enjoying the read. However, I purchased it on Kindle. I am regretting the choice as I like underlining and making notes which is not really an option on the Kindle. I've decided to buy it in hard copy format as well so I can make notes for myself...as part of my own self-analysis...

Great Job!

dopedout

I don't know -- I'd like to think that my behavior was an unwanted response to her addiction, and something that can be addressed productively now that I know about it. I don't know if I can tell how attached I am to her addiction yet. One problem is that I'm still reeling from the last several days and I've yet to find my bearings again.

In some ways I think I depended on her too much -- not on her addiction, but on her to just do normal partner stuff, and when she started slipping more and more into her own world and neglected the rest of it, I found myself overwhelmed with things, and unable to keep track of them -- and then that's what fed my depressed/anxious feelings, causing a lack of motivation, hard time getting up in the morning, distracted during school and homework, etc.

...ah -- am I a martyr -- yes, I think in some ways I am, or that I certainly appear to be. Part of it is my nature -- I know I seek approval (one reason I've become a sort of misanthrope is to avoid being disappointed by people), and I know I'm insecure -- I always have been. When I do something kind I am more likely to avoid bringing it up (the reason I posted this post was because I'm trying to disrupt that habit) -- and this is intentional -- Buddhism teaches that acts of charity are infinitely more valuable when they are undertaken not as acts of charity but rather simply motivated by an awareness that the charity is needed. To acknowledge that I'm doing something charitable would be to change it from charity to something else.

I'm really struggling with this. I am. ... I don't know how to separate being detachedly compassionate and charitable with taking care of myself -- the way I've tried to approach it is that if one or the other (doing nice things vs taking care of myself first) becomes unsettling for me, then I have to rebalance something. I need to find that balance -- I don't want to have to take sleep meds -- so giving them up was a goal for me, and I considered it a success -- the reason I gave up my other meds was honestly because I saw Z's situation as worse -- not a LOT worse -- but, just, I looked at it, thought about it, and decided that she needed them more than me...

The book I borrowed from the nar-anon group is filled with marks and notes -- the first thing I thought when I saw them all was, "Gah! How can people do that? Isn't it embarrassing to make notes about personal problems in a public book?" THATS my level of natural insecurity -- the insecurity I've had since I was a kid -- I would be too embarrassed to mark up a book if other people could see what I marked, even if there would be no way for them to know what notes were mine.

If I can fix that part of me, I'll give myself a Nobel prize or something.

ThatLittleGirl

So your depression/anxiety was directly correlated to her active addiction? As her addiction escalated...your life became more unmanageable, and therefore, your ability to get things accomplished greatly diminished...thus escalating your depression and anxiety?

more valuable when they are undertaken not as acts of charity but rather simply motivated by an awareness that the charity is needed - Hmmm...I'm missing the nuance here...when one gives to charity, it is usually driven by the recognition there is a need...an awareness...so it is acted upon by whomever feels they have the tools/resources to meet that need. Are you saying the emotions/feelings behind the giving...such as sympathy, pity, or whatever emotion drives a person to feel he/she needs to fill this need? Those emotions which drive 'acts of charity' versus just a conscience awareness of need and filling the voids where they exist outside of emotion? Sorry, I'm very unfamiliar with Buddhism...

I understand about making personal notes in a public book; although for me, it is more a function of ownership to the book and notes. For me, this is a life changing process...which will continue to evolve throughout my life. So, I want this book as a continued resource where I can make notes each time I read it...and track my progress %/or re-read notes and recall fundamental ideas I want to keep in the forefront of my mind. So, I'd want to keep the book as more a personal diary than anything else...

ElegantlyWasted

Some times constructive growth hurts a little (or a lot) in the short term, but we have the ability to learn from it and get to a much better place (took me a while to figure out as I was very pain averse). Good for you, the best kind of reward (positive reinforcement is ultimately what you give yourself; not what others give to you (took me awhile to figure out that one too. The only thing I might add is thAt I've come to the point where I realize that everyone has quirks, idiosyncracues etc. To me neurosis is a term applied to the aforementioned terms when they deminish our quality of life and/or prevent us from dealing with obsticles in a constructive way. Best of luck to you and your wife. A constructive relationship with another involves give and take as well as effective communication; co-dependency is the breakdown of effective/respectful teamwork that results in irrational and controlling behavior IMHO (took me a while to sort that one ou too).

dopedout

It's hard to describe...it's part of the Diamond Sutra, which is ridiculously difficult to grasp -- I've read it at least a hundred times and I still sense that nuance that you're talking about, that it's a really fine distinction that is hard to really understand, much less try to explain... I might interpret it as just the difference between doing something good because it's necessary (which is immensely valuable) and doing something good because you want to do something good (which is less valuable -- but still very valuable!).

It's a matter of attachment -- when we do something good, we must try not to think of it like we are "doing something good." Merely, we should simply act. I think it can be described best by just saying -- the good Buddhist, when practicing charity, responds to thanks or praise by saying -- "it's nothing" -- it's not an act of self-denial in the traditional sense. It's merely a way to acknowledge that the decision to do something good is really nothing more than an understanding of what is needed -- so that deciding to do good is sort of expected, and so, why make it seem like it's something special? It was simply the right thing to do.

Meh --- I don't know if I've explained it very well.

Yes. But I'm not sure how the dynamic worked... a lot of it had to do with the fact that she was participating less in the relationship and less in the household operation, so I became responsible for more things, which I was unable to deal with, and I knew that I couldn't ask her for help. When I think of the "addiction" behavior that affected me, I think more about the fact that I started to NOT ask for help because of the fear of her reaction ... That, to me, seems codependent -- but being depressed/overwhelmed because her addiction meant more responsibility for me seems like a more natural problem.

But as I think about it, I think I see it -- I was willing to be depressed and anxious -- more willing than i was to challenge her invented comfort zone. I was dependent on her seeming at ease -- I needed her to not be upset.

That's it -- I wanted her to not resent me, to think I could step in while she needed me -- I never accepted it as a permanent solution, but I also never understood it as temporary. I knew she needed to be doing more but I became more needy of her approval than her participation.

...

wow...

And now all I want is for her to not resent me for getting angry at her for the way she's handling her detox. So I haven't stopped being needy of her approval. She can't be a full participant in a relationship with me until I stop filling in the gaps she leaves everywhere.

Oh, man -- this is far too much for me...

and thats what you mean, right? It's easier for me to think of codependency as a relationship problem than a personal one -- it exists in what happens between two people. I'm getting there... for now i think I have to go scream into a pillow. I feel like I just swallowed a rock.

Chino

That isn't charity, that's playing doctor along with robbing her of the dignity of self determination.

I understand that wasn't your motive, but it was ultimately the action.

coffeedrinker

I know you named some of the above "codependent" and I applaud you for that. But...I have to say, I think you are minimizing.

Note the number of times in this one post, how badly you seek her approval, and much you don't wish her to be upset with you.

But you are processing, and certainly coming along. I don't want to take that away from you.

And, I had a therapist who once said that she believes that all addicts are codependent underneath the addiction - that when you take away the substance abuse, that issue then needs to be addressed.

dopedout

I know. I saw it as I wrote it...what my stunned brain was saying when I wrote "...wow" was "Wow, my whole existence depends on her approval and comfort -- I am 100% codependent on her." That was the rock I swallowed. It knocked me out.

Not everything I did was codependent in and of itself, perhaps, but it was all based on that single premise. If I hadn't been so codependent, I might still have been overwhelmed by added responsibilities and depressed about it, but that's obviously (now I see) not the whole story. I just had to write through it to see it -- my normal responses were just sitting on top of my codependency.

I do think that's true. For one thing, I think she's codependent on her family. I am done getting newly angry at Z but I am today becoming newly VERY angry at her family. Her parents and her brother and her sister, and their spouses, are out there with her, involved or aware of what she's doing, where she is, etc, and IF IT WAS ME, AND IF IT WAS MY FAMILY, they would have called her by now to tell her what was going on -- even if they thought she was 100% at fault for my problems, they would have called her or emailed her out of common courtesy. I have specific reasons for believing, too, that Z is under the impression that her family is being entirely nice to me. So, it's not like she's joined them in circling the wagons. She's been admitted in detox for more than 2 full days and I've yet to get a single bit of information from them.

Phht -- anyway -- yes -- much of what I saw in that book describing codependency seemed to describe Z. She is going to have to deal with a lot of self-image and personality stuff once she's clean. Maybe once she's out she'll see all her bad relationships in a more accurate light, but I can't worry about that. She won't be in the hospital forever and eventually I'll be back in touch with her more regularly, regardless of whether or when her family comes around.

Is it normal for me to feel cut off like that? To expect her family to at least keep me in the loop as far as what the doctors have said or how her detox is going? Even if they don't know very much -- it's just weird for them to pretend I'm not here, right? Or -- I guess they have a lot of resentment too -- who knows what they're thinking -- but there is more than one of them, and they're all fully grown adults and married -- I can see one resentful loser sitting alone in his house making bad decisions, but this is ridiculous. Actually, knowing them, it probably hasn't even occurred to them to talk about her situation and come up with a plan -- they're all very Midwest and, to them, intimacy at any level is treated like a big hairy spider.

ThatLittleGirl

Not everything I did was codependent in and of itself, perhaps, but it was all based on that single premise. If I hadn't been so codependent, I might still have been overwhelmed by added responsibilities and depressed about it, but that's obviously (now I see) not the whole story. - Excellent processing...I truly appreciate your method for self-evaluation...writing is a powerful tool for you!

Wow...is a good way to describe the "light bulb" experience (as I call it) of realizing we are co-dependent. I actually went to AL-Anon meetings for awhile before I realized I truly belonged there. I did not want a title which I didn't fully understand...and which didn't really "fit" me...as I had everything under control...my responses were normal responses to my AH's abnormal behavior... Little did I know what a joy delving into myself could be...and there is a richness of spirit, I believe, to be gained by understanding oneself (a true understanding) and becoming centered again...

coffeedrinker

HEY!!! I'm a midwesterner!
(lol)

I don't think you can get in the heads of her fam and know what's going on. Maybe they already have the detachment thing down. Maybe they are surrounding her with support, or each other. Maybe they just have their lives and are living them. I guess I don't think that if I were one of the family members, I would be contacting you, unless you and I had a close relationship and I just wanted to connect with you, see how you're doing. I wouldn't think that typical, tho. They know you are aware of where she is, what she's doing, and there is minimal contact. Let that one go.

Chino

Yep and that's what you're dealing with right now, too, with yourself. Right now you're going through withdrawals and you're clean from your addiction/obsession/codependency with her.

Almost everything you think about with her, apply it to yourself. "Work the program you wish she would." Somewhere a few pages back or 20, I started a topic about that. It's the same thing as "Be the change you want to see in the world."

dopedout

ok ok. I get it.

I am 100% sure that for them, even the idea of thinking about considering going anywhere near something like nar-anon themselves would be shrugged off as absurd. I don't resent them -- I just don't understand them. I think I'm done being mad at them.

The only way for me to make any impression on them about this is to be especially conscious of how I deal with the problem when I'm around them or talking to them. And to make damn sure that if anything happens to Z on this end and they aren't here to know what's going on, I keep them posted as I'd like them to keep me posted.

My mom is midwest too. She has a lot in common with Z personality-wise in that regard, and she helped me understand things from Z's point of view a bit better. I don't mean to generalize of course -- it's just that my dad's east coast Irish-German-Catholic family is nothing but hugs and smiles, even (and especially) when things go bad.

Thanks for the perspective on it and pulling me out of that! I should not speculate on other people's motivations, because the root of all our motivations is to try to avoid suffering. The less confused my actions seem to other people, the more they can make their own better decisions. I have to stay out of their way.

There's just that little bug in my head saying, "They're going to think you don't care about her because you haven't called to check in on her!" It's not like they're unfamiliar with being passive aggressive. I learned that the first time I had Thanksgiving dinner at her parents' house and her mother, with lots of dramatic huffing and puffing, started vacuuming under the table while me, Z, her brother and her nephews were still eating our pie.

But, to be clear -- it's not up to me to call, right? I'm not being passive aggressive by not calling and wishing they would call, am I? Or am I?

dopedout

OK I re-read my post and what I SHOULD be thinking is that it doesn't matter if they think I don't care for her, right? -- That's the way through this? -- their feelings don't determine my relationship with her, especially not now.

I have to learn that, while I can be a better person as much as possible, it's physically impossible to prevent people from ever having any bad feelings toward me.

Chino

I think you're right, I think you're getting it

Me personally, I'd have to ask myself what's my motive for calling? Motivation is everything.

dopedout

I'm having a hard time articulating that to myself...but...I want to know how she's doing -- what kind of detox she's doing, if she was assessed to be in for 3 days or 3 months -- I have no idea. I'm just accustomed to communicating -- Since I haven't heard anything from anyone other than Z (and only a few texts with no info, nor do I WANT her to even have to think about giving me any -- it's not her job right now, at all, in any way), I don't know what their threshold is before they decide to call me -- I think that's it -- maybe not -- I just feel like a spouse should be in the loop at least a little bit. I have a hard time just coming to terms with the fact that, in the face of a major crisis with Z, her family isn't interested in talking to the person that's been living with her all this time. If it was my daughter, I'd be on the phone with me. Whether they choose to believe me or value my point of view is really immaterial to me -- I'm just baffled that there hasn't been some contact to get some idea about what's been going on. I guess that's where I'm coming from. It's a matter of due diligence and what I consider to be the normal way people express concern -- wouldn't any set of questions, either when she got there, or upon admission/assessment, or just in the normal course of conversation about a daughter in crisis like this include, "What does her husband think/say?" Again, it's not that I should be considered a great source of objective information necessarily -- I just don't see how they can be truly interested in her welfare without even a cursory check on what an actual witness to the events has to say, just for the sake of asking, almost -- they don't know what I know until they ask. It seems almost reckless -- and, now, I know this is all messed up and I don't necessarily believe what I'm saying -- don't hold me to any of this! -- I'm just trying to talk through it -- but it almost seems like it's in their best interest, if they aren't really interested in her true recovery (ie, codependent), to deliberately avoid finding out another side of the story in order to protect their safe presumptions and routines, or just someone to fill in the gaps -- has she been suicidal? Has she been doing anything that she might not be telling us? Did she seem ok yesterday? Is she eating? Sleeping? Etc.

I say these things knowing full well that I'm wrong, but that I just can't figure it out yet. But what's causing my anxiety is simple, I think, which is that I'd prefer that she spend her recovery time with people who are trying to be a little more involved in understanding what she needs. I feel that I am doing my part by staying out of it -- but their codependency is not my concern -- my role as it relates to this is to help her, not them. And that means giving her her space for as long as she needs, indefinitely, etc., and it also means giving myself space to recovery -- and they need space to recover, too -- but, also -- I know how they deal with these things -- her two nieces have eating disorders. Her sister in law is an alcoholic. To me, their lack of concerned/worried contact with the only person she lives indicates that either they already knew exactly how not to be codependent and that they knew exactly what she needed and exactly how to give it to her, or they aren't prepared to really deal with this. My concern isn't that I need need need information right now and I'm going insane without it and I blame her family for shutting me out -- my concern right now is just a worry that her family is exhibiting behavior that makes me doubt their ability to be what she needs them to be, whether it's helping or staying out the way, whichever.

Thanks for listening. I know I'm probably talking in circles -- I believe everyone who says that their not contacting me is ok -- I do believe you! -- that's why I'm trying to sort it out, because I'm presuming that I'm not right on this.

coffeedrinker

dopedout,

why haven't you called one of her family members?

dopedout

I called her sister on Sunday night after I hadn't heard from Z in 2 days except for a single "can't talk now" text on Saturday morning after I sent her a text asking for a call when she got a chance to go over some business things. Some forms for her unemployment came in the mail on Friday, after she had left, plus I discovered that she had taken our file box with her, that had our checks and bills in it.

I also sent her one text message after she said she couldn't talk asking her if there was anything else she brought with her that I needed to deal with or replace.

My original hesitation in calling her family directly was because part of her defensive reaction to me when we first spoke, when she was on the way there, was "don't call and harass my family." She elevates threats very quickly, to the point where for the past several months you literally can't tell when she's crying wolf or not, because it seems like she's always crying wolf. When she wants a response from me when I'm doing work late at night and I'm neglecting her, she'll walk through the room and say "I've never been more depressed in my entire life than I am right now." etc.

Our last big fight, 5 days before she left, she blew up at me about not apologizing for something she didn't let on had bothered her -- we were in the car, and I said, "ok, ok, I'm sorry, let's just both take it easy" and I put my hand on her back very lightly and rubbed her back -- she squirmed away and said "that is ASSAULT and if you dont GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME i'm going to call the cops!"

I'm doing my best to not exaggerate this.

When I called her sister and said who I was, I got the "oh. Hi." thing. I apologized for calling and I told her I know it must be busy there, etc., but that I just wanted to see if Z was ok, because I hadn't heard from her. She responded "didnt you send her some text messages or something," basically turning the "is she ok" question back to my harassing Z -- I had been hoping that talking to her sister would ease my mind, but within seconds of her picking up the phone and talking it was clear that the attitude at that end was that they had to protect Z from me. I just asked, "I just want to know if she's ok." I was stumbling a bit because I didn't want to let on that I was crying. She said, "Yes, Z is fine."

Z called me a short time later -- I told her I had called her sister and apologized and explained I was just getting nervous. I find out that Z had actually been with her mom in the ER on Saturday night (her mom has a chronic illness and had suffered from small seizures) -- Z was there alone with her mom, so it's not like her brother or sister were even stepping in while Z was there to rehab and not to care for her mom. Anyway, we had a good talk, and Z asked me "but my sister was nice to you, right?" And I said she was. What I asked Z that night was what had worried me the most about our future recovery -- she had just told me that she was going to find information after detox about marriage counseling and that she wanted to work things out but that she didn't know what to do. So I asked her if she REALLY BELIEVED that my putting my hand on her was being fairly described as "assault". She said yes, but said she was aware that she didn't think she was seeing things the right way, and she thought it was very likely that she was confused, but that she really did feel that way. That was a big relief to hear (relatively speaking). She told me that she told her family that she did feel I was trying to control her, but also told them that she suspected she was confused, and that she didn't trust her feelings, and that was a big reason why she had to leave to get well.

I am very frightened of playing the role of an abusive husband calling and harassing them.

So their not calling me confirms to me (in my codependent and insecure condition) that they believe that I am not only at fault but also not deserving of being including in the "family" part of her recovery.

I did think, this morning, that it could be that Z said she'd get in touch with me after going into detox, and that they assume that she has given me more information than she has. This makes sense to me, because it would be consistent with them 1. not seeing her addiction as it is/codependent/needy of her approval, etc, and 2. feeling just fine about letting her and me deal with our issues on our own.

I have a new plan, which is that I'm going to call the hospital this morning and ask if there is anything they can tell me. It is a detox facility with lots of "we provide help for the addict and loved ones" and "we involve the whole family" and blah blah blah on its website -- so I'm going to call the hospital and just try to talk to someone.

Her family doesn't talk to each other in times of crisis -- when her nieces went into rehab for their eating disorder, we heard 3rd-hand thru Z's mom, and I watched as phone calls over weeks went back and forth, gossiping instead of clarifying and doing lots of ignoring trying to get information from the people actually there. If that's really the dynamic, I can't see how my calling them can be productive, especially if I feel they are likely to LET Z KNOW, either today, or when she gets out, or whatever, that i called them, because the call is likely to, for them, slip into the gossipy/passive aggressive dynamic, which would exasperate Z even more.

dopedout

Ok, well, now the situation has changed. Z has been texting me 2-3 messages a day since Monday. I just called the facility that she told me on Sunday she was going to, and she is not a patient there. When I called the facility on Monday morning to see what kind detox she might go through, what their program was, etc., I was told they mainly do alcohol detox, not suboxone detox (the person I spoke to tried to tell me that people don't usually get addicted to suboxone...).

So, after spending the last 5 minutes freaking out, I guess it's possible that she went somewhere else better suited for her needs -- and that she's not simply engaging in an elaborate scheme to make me think she's spending time in detox, while she is really either taking an "unhealthy" (still addicted) break from me or is simply done with me.

Should I call her family now? Or is it an even worse reason to call them? HELP!

Chino

How about asking her, not her family, where she is and what are her plans?