ihatethis

I felt it connected me to something I needed to leave behind...well I thought I had washed that man right out of my hair. But my stupidity is the eiffel tower of stupidity, you have to admire it for it's size.

He was shooting heroin and drank a "water bottle" that was actually GHB. Long story short he lived, went through detox and got back in touch. He's OD'd many times, but this time he said it was bottom. I was wary, had deleted his e-mail address, phone #, facebook etc. And I did it for a reason. But he said all the right things. Wants to be himself again, wants to get married... things were going well. (oh yeah, I've gone crazy) Talked to him on Monday... (his mother died on Friday) well, he was high on meth this time (I think on some level he doesn't want the withdrawl again... at least not heroin withdrawl) But he is using again. And he slipped before she died. He's trying to turn it into an excuse though. It would be funny if it wasn't sad. I've made a list of reasons to stay far FAR away from him. (yep, getting crazier) The catch is I love him. I'm going to try my best to forget he's alive. But I can't seem to kill the hope. But there is no reason at all to have any. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants, with no regard for anyone. Sobers up, and he's the love of my life.....

well, that's it. I'm so angry if I saw him right now I don't know what I'd do. So angry. Today I hate him as much as I love him. And I cannot help him.

Venting. Sorry.

Impurrfect

(((ihatethis))) - I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know it hurts...btdt. You're right, though..you can't help him. We just have to get to the point where enough is enough, and only WE can get there and in our own time.

It's hard, it hurts, but there is life after loving an addict.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

coffeedrinker

i'm sorry for your hurt, but glad you came back to reach out. i don't know you from before, but i'm sure this site was then, as it is now: full of caring people.

we're here for you. and will help you walk the path of leaving him behind. how long did you stay away?

ihatethis

a year.

outonalimb

I'm a repeat offender when it comes to relapses in codie behavior so I know how you feel but don't beat yourself up. Learn from this experience and use that anger to your advantage...It can be done...and you've got alot of people here at SR who understand and who will walk this path with you.

I don't think you need to kill any hope you have for him. Its okay to still love him and have hope for him in your heart. The key is you've got to love yourself more. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him live his life as he chooses. You've got a life of your own to live. You can do anything you want. All easier said than done, I know...but turn HIS problems back over to him and don't take them back.

Hang in there.....

Christen

Dear Friend,

I'm sorry about you circumstances. And I don't think you've gone crazy. It seems like you understand you can't fix him. Keep doing what you're doing, & come to SR & keep posting when you need encouragement. Maybe you need closure? Maybe you need to tell him that you love him, but you do not in any way agree with his addiction(s). And that you are moving on with your life. My husband is an addict, so I totally understand where you're coming from. I love my hubby, but I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't married & had the opportunity for a "do over". You get a "do over"! So stay strong, & take care of you.

BeautifulDisatr

I admire your strength, i know you don't feel strong...but you are!! Thank you for sharing (venting)!!!

ihatethis

Thanks guys. I appreciate all the positive thoughts. I'll try my best to stick to it this time. Outonalimb, I appreciate your words (I appreciate all of you) about not giving up hope on the person. He will get better or he will die. So how can I hope for anything other than recovery. I just can't pause my life. And I won't. The longer I go without talking to him the stronger I get. Sadly, all it takes is a call from him for me to hope, allbeit subconsciously... that this time he'll follow through...and then I wake up one day emotionally invested again. But not taking the call feels cruel. He only calls when he's sober. he knows how I feel about talking to him while high. I don't even like that guy. I have no desire to talk to him... anyway....

....back to the point... thank you!!!

rose

Sometimes it takes us a few times to really bite the bullet. But each time we gain alittle more strengh and wisedom towards our own sanity. Don't be down on yourself, it is hard. I did the same myself with my exah, he could draw me back with one call. One day you will just get a trigger and protect yourself from being drawn back. In no way are you being cruel by not excepting his call, you are being kind...to yourself! Remember he is looking after he needs at all expenses, you have the right to look after yours.

Rose

Sunshine2

I can really sympathise with you. I left the father of my children who was very abusive and maybe an alcoholic 24 years ago. I kept on going back because I felt such a connection with him. Even after I left him for 5 years I went back again because I thought (and people told me) that he has changed. Twice. Thats right, 10 years after our divorce I had a second child with him. How stupid can one get?

The bottom line is that the only "connection" I felt with him is that he treated me as badly as my mother did and it felt so comfortable. I have been so over him for the last 12 years. I moved on and never think about him anymore. But it took years and years to get to that stage. I wish I had the support of this group then, I am sure it would have been easier to get over him.

coffeedrinker

That "connection" thing is powerful, powerful stuff.

I have been noticing/realizing an incredible, but logical common thread in the stories here: those of us that have this intense, long-lasting "connection", are connected to unhealthy people. The connection itself is therefore inherently unhealthy. Right? I am having a hard time getting my head around this, since I feel emotionally healthy on many levels.


I want to say, wheredoiturn, that intelligence has very little to do with emotional health or unhealth. Please stop beating yourself up, or calling yourself "stupid".

Sunshine2

I am not beating myself up anymore. At the time I fell pregnant with my second son I was 36. Old enough to know to use contraceptives. Everything does happen for the best as he forced me to remain sane when my brother committed suicide (11 weeks pregnant) and throughout his brother's addiction.

I also notice this common thread of connection. To me it was as if I belonged with him. I could leave him for 5 years and walk back in and it felt as if I never left. It was just so very familiar. The truth is, he was not good for me and caused me a lot of heartache for a very long time.

What I can say without a doubt is that leaving him was the best thing I ever did in my life. Once I managed to separate from him in my mind I became happy and content again. I have finished reading co-dependant no more and whilst I still have some way to go, I recognise what a codie I was when I was still with my EXAH and how far I have progressed. He became addicted to gambling in later years and also tried to commit suicide. Luckily I did not have to share in that chaos.

To anyone struggling with this, eventually one does stop missing the other person and for me leaving the fear of living with an abuser behind was worth the initial heartache.

Freedom1990

I think this is worth taking a look at, digging deep for the answer to why you get hooked in again when he calls sober, regardless of the time you've been apart.

You are by no means stupid, my dear.

After I left my abusive EXAH, it was 13 long and painful years before I was willing to address my codependency issues.

I kept making the same mistake over and over, only with different men.

Until I addressed that deeply rooted internal neediness that just wouldn't go away on its own, I was not going to get well emotionally and spiritually in my codependency.