Just need to talk and get my thoughts out, not really venting...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Chatsworth CA
Posts: 44
Just need to talk and get my thoughts out, not really venting...
Just need to talk and get my thoughts out, not really venting because I am not mad or angry today, which between you and me is a nice feeling. I am coming to terms slowly with the first step of not just realizing I am powerless to the addiction of my boyfriends drug addiction (I have always realized it) but ACCEPTING it - its meaning and how that affects me.
It stills breaks my heart more then words can express watching the man I love and care for destroy every aspect of his life ( physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc, etc,)
I watched the Hallmark Movie about Lois Wilson the co-founder of Al-Anon and there were so many parts that I could soooo relate to, it’s scary and yet cathartic to know that a woman who in the early to mid 1900’s was going through the same emotions and turmoil I am experiencing everyday.
There were two parts with in the movie that truly stick out in my mind and I keep thinking about, maybe that is why I am writing today, to just deal and get the thoughts out of mind.
When Lois's husband finally sobers up and you can see in her eyes how heartbroken and emotionally exhausted she is, like she doesn’t know weather to cry or scream – so she throws her shoe at him instead (I can totally relate ) at that point she asks why her love was not enough to get him to quit. Her husband doesn’t answer because we all know the answer. Its just a very hard pill to swallow. We all stand here as the “significant other” (girlfriend, wife, mother, sister, father, etc) struggling, sacrificing, an emotional basket case doing literally everything we can to protect, love, provide, put up with and care for the man (or woman) we love and yet it truly is something they need to find in themselves.
The other part of the movie that I am stuck on, is when her husband is drunk again and their fighting and she grabs him and scream how is doesn’t even have the decency to die. I started to cry uncontrollably at that point. A few weeks ago in an argument I had with my boyfriend on the phone, out of extreme anger and rage I told him the same thing, kind of. I told him to just go and kill himself and die. I didn’t honestly mean it. I don’t want him to die, but ultimately that is what he is doing.Ever sooo slowly killing himself with the F-ing dope, he is killing his life, killing our life. I want my boyfriend to live, I want him to be sober, I want our life back and even though I accept it will be different and never the same as it was. I just want him sober and the good, loving, great creative, hard working man I know he is. I feel terribly to this day saying what I said to him, but the rage and anger I was feeling at the moment was just tooo much.
Anyways today so far is a good day, I have been busy at work. I love my job, so it is somewhere I can come and not so much forget but just be able to focus on other things instead of the continuous worrying what is my boyfriend doing? where is he? is ok? his stoned out his mind? is he sleeping the day away? is he alive? etc, etc, etc,
Anyways thank you SR Family again for letting me write my thoughts down and share, even if I made no sense. I feel a little better. I love my boyfriend very much but I need to just continue working on my steps, working on me, focusing on my children and the life I have.
It stills breaks my heart more then words can express watching the man I love and care for destroy every aspect of his life ( physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc, etc,)
I watched the Hallmark Movie about Lois Wilson the co-founder of Al-Anon and there were so many parts that I could soooo relate to, it’s scary and yet cathartic to know that a woman who in the early to mid 1900’s was going through the same emotions and turmoil I am experiencing everyday.
There were two parts with in the movie that truly stick out in my mind and I keep thinking about, maybe that is why I am writing today, to just deal and get the thoughts out of mind.
When Lois's husband finally sobers up and you can see in her eyes how heartbroken and emotionally exhausted she is, like she doesn’t know weather to cry or scream – so she throws her shoe at him instead (I can totally relate ) at that point she asks why her love was not enough to get him to quit. Her husband doesn’t answer because we all know the answer. Its just a very hard pill to swallow. We all stand here as the “significant other” (girlfriend, wife, mother, sister, father, etc) struggling, sacrificing, an emotional basket case doing literally everything we can to protect, love, provide, put up with and care for the man (or woman) we love and yet it truly is something they need to find in themselves.
The other part of the movie that I am stuck on, is when her husband is drunk again and their fighting and she grabs him and scream how is doesn’t even have the decency to die. I started to cry uncontrollably at that point. A few weeks ago in an argument I had with my boyfriend on the phone, out of extreme anger and rage I told him the same thing, kind of. I told him to just go and kill himself and die. I didn’t honestly mean it. I don’t want him to die, but ultimately that is what he is doing.Ever sooo slowly killing himself with the F-ing dope, he is killing his life, killing our life. I want my boyfriend to live, I want him to be sober, I want our life back and even though I accept it will be different and never the same as it was. I just want him sober and the good, loving, great creative, hard working man I know he is. I feel terribly to this day saying what I said to him, but the rage and anger I was feeling at the moment was just tooo much.
Anyways today so far is a good day, I have been busy at work. I love my job, so it is somewhere I can come and not so much forget but just be able to focus on other things instead of the continuous worrying what is my boyfriend doing? where is he? is ok? his stoned out his mind? is he sleeping the day away? is he alive? etc, etc, etc,
Anyways thank you SR Family again for letting me write my thoughts down and share, even if I made no sense. I feel a little better. I love my boyfriend very much but I need to just continue working on my steps, working on me, focusing on my children and the life I have.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Washington
Posts: 26
I really want to watch that movie! I feel the same way about my boyfriend. I see how powerless he is to his addiction, and he is feeling so bad about himself and its an endless spiral, and its so hard for me to stop myself from jumping in to rescue him and make him feel better every time. thanks for your post.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It sounds to me like you have reached the point of "acceptance", one of the biggest hurdles to get over as we move forward in our recovery.
It is what it is. It stinks and it's hard to realize that their addiction isn't about us, but out recovery is and we can and do find a better way to live, whether we choose to stay with them or not.
The addict in my life is my son, who has been missing for over 5 years lost in his addiction somewhere. I too did everything a mother can do to try to get him to quit, but in the end I was going down with him and had to save my own life before his life destroyed me.
What helped me at the time was going to meetings and learning to work 12 little steps that literally saved my life. And coming to SR here and staying connected with a support network of wonderful people who walked with me through the dark days. Today I live my life well, I am happy and free and no longer live in fear every day. I give my son's care to God every morning in prayer, and then leave the rest between him and God.
Stick around, try some meetings if you can, Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us find sanity and serenity again.
Hugs
It is what it is. It stinks and it's hard to realize that their addiction isn't about us, but out recovery is and we can and do find a better way to live, whether we choose to stay with them or not.
The addict in my life is my son, who has been missing for over 5 years lost in his addiction somewhere. I too did everything a mother can do to try to get him to quit, but in the end I was going down with him and had to save my own life before his life destroyed me.
What helped me at the time was going to meetings and learning to work 12 little steps that literally saved my life. And coming to SR here and staying connected with a support network of wonderful people who walked with me through the dark days. Today I live my life well, I am happy and free and no longer live in fear every day. I give my son's care to God every morning in prayer, and then leave the rest between him and God.
Stick around, try some meetings if you can, Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us find sanity and serenity again.
Hugs
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
******{Ann}}}}
I went fifteen years n/c with my sons.
I relate with every cell to your statement about your own son.
I hope for you the blessing I've received with mine.
And the peace and healing that comes with it.
Beautiful Disastr -
I was born and raised in Marietta - even went to chatsworth a few times -
used to take my kids up to Fort Mountain and walk them exausted.. (c:
Thanks for the vent.
I went fifteen years n/c with my sons.
I relate with every cell to your statement about your own son.
I hope for you the blessing I've received with mine.
And the peace and healing that comes with it.
Beautiful Disastr -
I was born and raised in Marietta - even went to chatsworth a few times -
used to take my kids up to Fort Mountain and walk them exausted.. (c:
Thanks for the vent.
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