Did I set a boundary or cross a line?
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 33
Did I set a boundary or cross a line?
Stopped by to "catch up" a bit and read up on some posts, and felt the need to post myself (imagine that
)
I found myself wondering today if I was being unreasonable or controlling in the following situation......and wanted to get some honest input.
They guy I have been seeing, who is in the process of divorce (or so I am being told) after 1 year of seperation........his wife calls him on the phone yesterday and all basically because their 23 year old, expecting daughter in law handed out baby shower invites to both men and women and included BYOB on the invites! And the wife thinks that they should both go and talk to their son about it, etc.
I told him my feelings, which basically are........he is 24, married, lives away from home, you do not want to alienate him and her right now, over this choice, which yes is tacky-but is THEIR choice, as you may alienate yourself from your grandson. Choose your battles carefully, as you don't want to be seen as the in laws who are always nit picking everything they do.
I explained to him that the choice is not his or hers, as it's not my choice that she call him on the phone to cry on his shoulder over things such as this, and that basically their conversations should be limited to important things to do with their children/grandchild and their divorce, and that is was unacceptable to me that she be calling him for basically a shoulder to cry on.
I didn't repeat my feelings more than once, nor did I give ultimatums. I simply stored it away and remembered my "deadline" that I have set in my mind. (He assured me last night that he would be speaking to her this weekend about consolidating finances and then filing the paperwork but those are words and not actions)
I feel like I've set a boundary with all of this, but can't explain why I feel like I've done something wrong? This whole boundary setting is new to me and hard......and I almost feel guilty for standing up for myself, so that leaves me thinking that maybe I HAVE done something wrong........
I'm just a bit torn and thought maybe I could gain some insight from the wise folks here
Thanks for listening...
)I found myself wondering today if I was being unreasonable or controlling in the following situation......and wanted to get some honest input.
They guy I have been seeing, who is in the process of divorce (or so I am being told) after 1 year of seperation........his wife calls him on the phone yesterday and all basically because their 23 year old, expecting daughter in law handed out baby shower invites to both men and women and included BYOB on the invites! And the wife thinks that they should both go and talk to their son about it, etc.
I told him my feelings, which basically are........he is 24, married, lives away from home, you do not want to alienate him and her right now, over this choice, which yes is tacky-but is THEIR choice, as you may alienate yourself from your grandson. Choose your battles carefully, as you don't want to be seen as the in laws who are always nit picking everything they do.
I explained to him that the choice is not his or hers, as it's not my choice that she call him on the phone to cry on his shoulder over things such as this, and that basically their conversations should be limited to important things to do with their children/grandchild and their divorce, and that is was unacceptable to me that she be calling him for basically a shoulder to cry on.
I didn't repeat my feelings more than once, nor did I give ultimatums. I simply stored it away and remembered my "deadline" that I have set in my mind. (He assured me last night that he would be speaking to her this weekend about consolidating finances and then filing the paperwork but those are words and not actions)
I feel like I've set a boundary with all of this, but can't explain why I feel like I've done something wrong? This whole boundary setting is new to me and hard......and I almost feel guilty for standing up for myself, so that leaves me thinking that maybe I HAVE done something wrong........
I'm just a bit torn and thought maybe I could gain some insight from the wise folks here
Thanks for listening...
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You can't take back what you have already said.
If I understand your post, you are concerned about telling him that his wife should not call him to gripe about their son?
His wife.
His son.
That's how I see it.
If I understand your post, you are concerned about telling him that his wife should not call him to gripe about their son?
His wife.
His son.
That's how I see it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Sounds like you need to remember that you are in a relationship with a married man... period. His wife and his son are still his business.
Just my opinion.
Why does her talking to him bother you so much?
Note: I had a relationship with a man for 8 months, after knowing him for over ten years, who had convinced me he was already separated and getting a divorce. I found out he was still in marriage counciling with his wife the whole time he was with me, no papers, no nothing. I have trouble believing anyone who hasn't signed the papers yet. You can learn alot by watching what the wife does and how she acts, as well as how he reacts to her.
Just my opinion.
Why does her talking to him bother you so much?
Note: I had a relationship with a man for 8 months, after knowing him for over ten years, who had convinced me he was already separated and getting a divorce. I found out he was still in marriage counciling with his wife the whole time he was with me, no papers, no nothing. I have trouble believing anyone who hasn't signed the papers yet. You can learn alot by watching what the wife does and how she acts, as well as how he reacts to her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Hmmm, this is an interesting one.
I guess that having been involved with a couple of men over the years who need to "juggle" women to make themselves feel bigger - I would definitely be paying attention and asking for clarification.
My take is that if I'm in an exclusive relationship with someone, I have the right to ask them to clarify their relationship to another woman so I can make a decision that sits well with me. Divorce done and dusted and both partners cordial (or even friends) having moved on to new partners is fine by me. Everyone has a past and I have no problem with a romantic partner being friends with an ex as long as their business is finished.
What I do have a problem with is someone misrepresenting their relationship with an ex to me - or wanting to have one foot in two relationships. If he still feels like she's his wife in most of the important ways and the divorce isn't moving forward - where do you fit in that picture?
Do you have a right to dictate what his relationship with his ex, or anyone, is? Nope. Do you have a right to know whether he's emotionally "done" with his marriage to the extent that he's emotionally available to you? Yup. But I think it's probably more of an honest conversation about where your relationship is heading (so you can keep good boundaries - both of you) than an issuing of ultimatums on how/when he can see or talk to her (that's more like a crossing of the line).
Make sense? You also have to take his word for it and trust that -he- even knows his own feelings on how the relationship is now. He might not and being the human guinea pig in that kind of situation (the in-person experiment on whether he's ready to move on) is a really painful experience.
SL.
I guess that having been involved with a couple of men over the years who need to "juggle" women to make themselves feel bigger - I would definitely be paying attention and asking for clarification.
My take is that if I'm in an exclusive relationship with someone, I have the right to ask them to clarify their relationship to another woman so I can make a decision that sits well with me. Divorce done and dusted and both partners cordial (or even friends) having moved on to new partners is fine by me. Everyone has a past and I have no problem with a romantic partner being friends with an ex as long as their business is finished.
What I do have a problem with is someone misrepresenting their relationship with an ex to me - or wanting to have one foot in two relationships. If he still feels like she's his wife in most of the important ways and the divorce isn't moving forward - where do you fit in that picture?
Do you have a right to dictate what his relationship with his ex, or anyone, is? Nope. Do you have a right to know whether he's emotionally "done" with his marriage to the extent that he's emotionally available to you? Yup. But I think it's probably more of an honest conversation about where your relationship is heading (so you can keep good boundaries - both of you) than an issuing of ultimatums on how/when he can see or talk to her (that's more like a crossing of the line).
Make sense? You also have to take his word for it and trust that -he- even knows his own feelings on how the relationship is now. He might not and being the human guinea pig in that kind of situation (the in-person experiment on whether he's ready to move on) is a really painful experience.
SL.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
what wonderful replies.
i think the distinction that needs to be made, on your expressing your viewpoints, is whether or not he asked you for them.
we all have friends who unload on us, or ask us our opinions from time to time. i happen to agree with what you expressed, but he did not seem to have asked you what you think.
i think there are larger issues here, than the shower or his relationship to his adult child.
there is a reason that dr. joy browne (i'm a fan of her!) says to wait one year AFTER the divorce is final, to start seeing other people. he's not finished. he may not be in love with her, but he is not finished.
i think the distinction that needs to be made, on your expressing your viewpoints, is whether or not he asked you for them.
we all have friends who unload on us, or ask us our opinions from time to time. i happen to agree with what you expressed, but he did not seem to have asked you what you think.
i think there are larger issues here, than the shower or his relationship to his adult child.
there is a reason that dr. joy browne (i'm a fan of her!) says to wait one year AFTER the divorce is final, to start seeing other people. he's not finished. he may not be in love with her, but he is not finished.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 33
Thank you all for the honest replies. You've given me a lot to think about and journal out. Anvil you are right.......maybe this isn't the guy for me. I understand they have children together-but their children are grown and his wife calling him over every little thing only happens when SHE is not dating someone else.
I'm not sure where I'll go with things.......He and I talk about everything and he insists that we keep the communication lines open on EVERYTHING and wants to know how I feel, but I tend to lean toward coffee drinker.......he may not be in love with her, but he's not finished in many ways. But today he calls and is telling me all the things he is getting done so he can move forward in his life.
Thanks again for all the input.......kinda makes me sad.......this is the nicest kindest man I've dated in a long time and we are in sinc with EVERYTHING and have sooooo much in common, it's just this one BIG thing that is right in the middle-as I guess it should be....
I'm not sure where I'll go with things.......He and I talk about everything and he insists that we keep the communication lines open on EVERYTHING and wants to know how I feel, but I tend to lean toward coffee drinker.......he may not be in love with her, but he's not finished in many ways. But today he calls and is telling me all the things he is getting done so he can move forward in his life.
Thanks again for all the input.......kinda makes me sad.......this is the nicest kindest man I've dated in a long time and we are in sinc with EVERYTHING and have sooooo much in common, it's just this one BIG thing that is right in the middle-as I guess it should be....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 132
I read the posts in this thread and realize that I have NO IDEA how to set a boundary. It scared me. I don't know what a boundary IS, for God's sake. I certainly don't know how to set them.
It made me feel so dumb.
It made me feel so dumb.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by BumblingAlong 
I read the posts in this thread and realize that I have NO IDEA how to set a boundary. It scared me. I don't know what a boundary IS, for God's sake. I certainly don't know how to set them.
It made me feel so dumb.
It made me feel so dumb.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
You're not dumb. I had no idea either. It was not something that was role-modeled for me as a child.
L
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
i think there are larger issues here, than the shower or his relationship to his adult child.
there is a reason that dr. joy browne (i'm a fan of her!) says to wait one year AFTER the divorce is final, to start seeing other people. he's not finished. he may not be in love with her, but he is not finished.
I'm with coffee on this one.
You have an opportunity to examine why you chose someone who is unavailable in some ways...
there is a reason that dr. joy browne (i'm a fan of her!) says to wait one year AFTER the divorce is final, to start seeing other people. he's not finished. he may not be in love with her, but he is not finished.
I'm with coffee on this one.
You have an opportunity to examine why you chose someone who is unavailable in some ways...
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi 12stepnchick,
I can understand why you feel this way about the wife calling him to complain about this thing that is really none of her business. It's not like their children are little, they're grown adults. I wonder though, did he invite her to call him about this? Or did SHE call HIM of her own accord? What control does he have over whether or not she calls him about something stupid or something important?
I understand it bothers you and that now you feel like maybe you have overstepped your bounds, but as long as you didn't call him names, cuss at him, yell at him, act like a drama queen, or otherwise overreact, I think you have a valid complaint, for which you should not feel bad about expressing. You've apparently voiced it to him; now see what he does about it. Divorce is hard so try to be understanding; everybody has to adjust to new ways of relating, even the STBXW.
As for your guilt: LOSE IT please. You have EVERY right to tell him how you feel and you said he even has expressed that he wants to know how you feel about things. Was he receptive to your feelings? Or was he defensive? Or did he blow you off?
I can understand why you feel this way about the wife calling him to complain about this thing that is really none of her business. It's not like their children are little, they're grown adults. I wonder though, did he invite her to call him about this? Or did SHE call HIM of her own accord? What control does he have over whether or not she calls him about something stupid or something important?
I understand it bothers you and that now you feel like maybe you have overstepped your bounds, but as long as you didn't call him names, cuss at him, yell at him, act like a drama queen, or otherwise overreact, I think you have a valid complaint, for which you should not feel bad about expressing. You've apparently voiced it to him; now see what he does about it. Divorce is hard so try to be understanding; everybody has to adjust to new ways of relating, even the STBXW.
As for your guilt: LOSE IT please. You have EVERY right to tell him how you feel and you said he even has expressed that he wants to know how you feel about things. Was he receptive to your feelings? Or was he defensive? Or did he blow you off?
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